Disclaimer - I do not own Fullmetal Alchemist. Honest
'Pile up your clothes according to colour!' I shout at the soldiers dumping their uniforms in the bags without care. None of them seem to listen to me – nursing a hangover, they stumble out towards the barracks. How dare they? I, after all, have the rank of Major!
I should introduce myself. I am a state alchemist, one of the country's elite alchemists. I however, never seen a battlefield. I consider myself to have an equally important duty to those who dodge bullets and conjure up weapons to fight. I instead deal with the physiological aspects of a military – the one I personally consider most important, the uniform. A uniform keeps the men as a single body of men, yet elevates officers as both part of it yet beyond the rabble of privates. It makes every man a cog in the great military machine. It is I who is responsible for making and maintaining the uniforms of the city of Central – me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!
However, I must say that this does not mean I relish laundry day.
The stench of sweat on the clothes is overwhelming. It needs to be dealt with. 'Men, let's get this sorted!' The privates assigned to me this week begin dragging the clothes out the great piles. They'll learn discipline here. As on the drill square, soldiers must do their laundry with precision, efficiency and teamwork. Without those qualities, who knows what ruin could befall us in our grave task?
The method I have devised for this task is, if I might be bold, is ingenious. The clothes are placed in a wet tank within an alchemical circle, which removes the dirt to the bottom, while the clean clothes are then pulled out by the privates. Another alchemical circle adds the lost dye back in the clothes, and a final alchemical circle which removes the water, allowing them to be dried and ready for the soldiers to pick up.
However, before this, it is necessary to inspect the clothing to make sure it is all sorted properly. If we do not do this, then we descend into chaos. The clothes are spread out by the privates, then those incorrectly sorted are brought to me for investigation. Those which are not placed correctly must do service with me for a week, to install discipline. Well, I must confess that it is not true for all soldiers. For those of who are of greater rank than myself do not – I respect rank. Of those of equal rank, I will simply give them a warning before asking their superior should they do it a second time. None should be without discipline.
Private Fury brought over the small piles of misplaced clothes, then saluted. 'Thank you, private.' I said, taking them. I shall investigate these latter, placing them in my office.
After dealing with clothes, setting out them out to remove the creases in them, I returned to my office for my investigations. As head of this little department (of one), I am responsible for this small but crucial task. Years of experience have made me quite skilled at detective work.
The first two incorrectly placed clothes were those of new recruits – the rank and name had been left on them, and I did not recognise them. However, this thought was cut short by my next terrifying discovery. For the next piece of clothing was not a uniform at all! It was a long coat, emblazoned with an alchemical symbol. And it was red!
Someone had placed a red coat with the white shirts!
The monster!
And then it was I realised what i must do. Nothing else could come first. I must track down this individual, and then show them the errors of their ways. I swear it on my honour, as Egbert Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist!
My first task was to begin my analysis of the coat. For many hours, I studied my alchemical texts to discern the details of the coat. Scraps were cut off, and broken down in furious analysis. I stayed up all night, but it was worth it. By the morning, I was ready. Official report in hand, I brought myself to the desk. 'I need a list of soldiers assigned to Central from the South Area. And I need a list of their chest and height measurements.'
Corporal Brightsilver looked at me over her spectacles. 'Sir, there are thousands of soldiers in Central at any one time. It might be a little impractical to search all of them.' Corporal Brightsilver is no fool – she has often assisted me in my investigations.
'Then limit the list to those from Dublith and the surrounding area, at first.' The dye used comes from a flower that is rarely used outside of that area. 'Also limit the list to those who are recently assigned to Central.' If this individual had been in Central earlier, I would be well aware of their treasons. 'Finally, I advise prioritising those individuals whom are alchemists, or have disciplinary notifications against them previously.' With this information, and the small estimated height of my quarry, I should be able to find them without delay. Then justice would be served!
'That coats Fullmetal's,' a voice from behind me said. I turned around to see Colonel Mustang, the Flame Alchemist passing behind me. I saluted. 'Sir! Thank you, sir!'
'No problem, Major.' Colonel Mustang looked quite amused. 'Go get him, Laundry Alchemist.' That is a little nickname I'm sometimes known by. All in jest, of course. None would doubt my importance to the army.
'Yes sir!' I turned back to Corporal Brightsilver. 'Could I please have a file on the Fullmetal Alchemist?'
'Yes sir.' She went to go get it, and a few minutes later brought it back.
'Thank you.' I opened the file and inspected it. Edward Elric – a very young state alchemist, only 15. Not integrated into the military, but currently assigned to Colonel Mustang in between a private research project. Height 149 cm, automail arm and leg, and does not wear a uniform! The rage built in me! He has no right to ask me to clean his clothes!
There was a short schedule present inside the file. It went up till the end of the week. That gave me barely a day. I copied it down, then handed the file back. It was time for me to prepare to catch this rapscallion, and deal with him once and for all!
It seemed this Edward Elric mostly did missions for Colonel Mustang, catching dangerous and violent criminals. The next night, he would be watching over warehouse on the east district of the city. He was, with several other officers, looking for a criminal gang called the Steam-Pipe Runners. It would be a perfect time to catch him!
I prepared myself for this grave task. When I am required to perform a more active military duty, my weapon of choice is a cloth whip, rolled up like a sheet of linen. With my cloak on my back, it allows me to adapt myself for battles.
My gloves I wear bare a transmutation circle for clothes and fibres. As the sun set, with a crack of my whip and a light of a transmutation, I leaped onto the roof tops.
It waited for a long time on that rooftop, beneath my cloak, waiting for him to arrive. Eventually, not only he arrived, but another did – a giant, in a suit of armour. This large fellow seemed to be helping the Edward boy. 'Are you ok, brother?' he asked, dragging him onto the roof. A brother? I hadn't noticed that in the file. That must have been a mistake on my part. Oh, what a fool I feel!
'Yeah, I'm fine Al.' The Fullmetal Alchemist pulled himself up, dusting off his metal arm. 'Why are we out here anyway? Mustang says we can do research, but he keeps giving us these detours!'
'He says this will be the last one for a while.' The brother replied.
'Yeah, like the last one was? I swear if he- hey, who are you? This is military business!' I had risen up from behind my cloak as he spoke.
'You are Edward Elric, the Fullmetal Alchemist?' I asked. I had to be certain. 'Height 149 cm, shoe size 5, uniform size extra small-'
'Who are you calling small!?' Edward shouted, charging forward, a fist held high. How dare he? Attack me, after the wrongs he has inflicted on me?
It was clear that the time to act was now. I leaped up, off the roof as I transmutated my cloak, spreading it out to slow my fall. I then swung my whip, catching a weathervane with a weighted end. I swung myself along it, coming back to the roof.
'Look out, Al!' Edward shouted. For as I swung, I aimed at the larger brother. With a kick perfected by years of surviving the dangerous world of tailoring, I hit Al Elric's legs, knocking him to his knees. Not a second to waste! I transmutated the whip in my hands, snaking it forward and tying up the brother.
'Edward Elric, I have dispatched your older brother.' I shouted to him.
'Actually-' the metal wearing man said, but this was interrupted by the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'Why does everyone think that? I'm older! You hear me! Older!'
'I advise you surrender and face the charges for the crime you have committed.'
'I'm no law breaker!' Edward Elric replied. 'And I doubt that he's tied up. Get him, Al!' And at that moment, I was grabbed by an outstretched metal arm. Curses! I underestimated the strength of this man!
'Got him brother!' he replied. The Fullmetal Alchemist grinned, clapping his arms together, then placing them down, causing a hand to rise out of the roof. But I was gone – I hit the Al brother in the head, knocking him away and out of his grip. I saw something for a minute that was shocking – the Al brother had no body! He was an empty suit of armour, helmet knocked away. This cannot be allowed! Suits can't walk around on their own! They must be worn and used! Anything else insults the very nature of clothing!
I transmutated the whip again, instead wrapping inside of the armour. I then leaped off the roof, hanging onto my whip. The Al brother was pulled with me. Edward came to cut the whip, but I it gave me enough time to transmutate my cloak again, pushing me up like a great pair of wings.
I landed onto the top of the building, as the Edward brother charged, knocking me onto the side. The metal suit was still tied up, so I had a chance, but the Fullmetal Alchemist was a skilled combatant. I managed to avoid his attacks, getting away. Edward clapped his hands together, making a blade out of his metal arm. 'It's time to own up! What do you want from us?'
I pulled out his coat. 'Is this yours?' I asked.
Edward look confused. Did he not remember his crime? 'Yeah, that's mine? So what?'
'Then you have not only placed it for cleaning when only specifically granted uniforms may be given for cleaning, you placed it within the white clothes while it is in fact coloured!' I shouted.
'You attacked us for that?' Al asked.
'You attacked me.' I pointed out.
'Oh yeah.' Edward responded. He looked embarrassed.
'As such, you should report to me, Major Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, within the next week, to arrange for three hours punishment duty.'
'Come on, it was just a mistake! Couldn't you just give me a warning or something?'
'I might have, had you not attacked a fellow officer.' How dare he try to wheedle out of his punishment? 'If you don't not see me personally, i will take it up with Colonel Mustang!'
'Alright, fine, I will!' Edward said, finally accepting his rightful punishment. 'Now, can I get my brother up?'
'Certainly.' I transmutated the whip, ravelling it up. That done, I leaped off the roof using my cloak, and headed on my merry way, stopping only to buy a paper. It revealed that it would rain Wednesday.
'I've never done this kind of alchemy before!' the Fullmetal Alchemist. 'It'll take a while!'
'Your own incompetency is not an excuse!' I replied. 'Now, if these's flags are not complete within three hours then you will stay till they are complete! And you are not skimp! These banners show the honour of our nation! To not give your all is nothing short of treachery!'
'Yeah yeah.' He was not a disciplined one, this one, but that is why they are brought to me for punishment! He would learn a thing or two hear!
My work was complete. The people of Central could sleep soundly, knowing a calamity had been averted, and made so it could it could never occur again. But we must be always vigilant! So soon will it will necessary for me, Egbart Longwood, the Cloth Alchemist, to do his duty again!
Well, that was interesting. I'll probably do these irregularly, each its own pointless, pointless story. Please let me know what you think of them.