My Dearest Lily
Letters of Correspondence from R.J. Lupin
To Lily Evans,
And Events Shortly Thereafter
By Over40Potterfan
xxxxx
My Dearest Lily,
It is with a heavy heart that I am writing to you now. My soul is torn with the decision I am forced to make. My love for you is so complete, so deep, fundamentally existing. I cannot let things go on as they are. Especially now, with our child soon to be born. With each year I live, my affliction grows more severe. I am uneasy at the thought of endangering you, or our child. Please understand that I love you more than anything, more than my own life. I wish things were different. God, how I wish they were.
I will be going away for a while. Owls can reach me, but no one will know my whereabouts. Please take this package as a token of my undying love, and promise me you will look after...things. The potion I made for you should keep you from showing until you can get things settled down. You know, James isn't such a bad man after all, and I want you to have a decent life.
Please, my love, keep me in your thoughts, but do not cease to live. Take care of James, and take care of our little one.
All my Love,
Remus
xxxxx
Remus My Love,
How can I hide something I have wanted for so long? How can you expect me to do so? I no longer have you to hold, and I am crying constantly. Your condition is a concern, my love, but as long as Sirius makes the potions, you will be all right. Right? Please come home. It is almost too late for me to take the potion. Life is growing inside me faster than I expected. I am feeling flutters inside me, like a butterfly behind my navel. It feels so wonderful,
Remus, I don't want to go through this alone. I don't want to stall the process of life. Please, my love, come home to me.
As far as James Potter is concerned... He is such a git!
Awaiting your response,
Lily
xxxxx
Lily My Darling,
You MUST take the potion. Human gestation is complicated enough without bringing werewolf blood into the equation. I care only for your safety, and the safety of our baby. Forestalling the birth will give your body time to adjust, and give the baby's brain time to develop normally. There is a chance, albeit small, "Junior" will be born almost normal, if not totally human in appearance. Trust me Lily; I have done exhaustive research on this.
Please, until you can be with James, take the potion. That way, when the baby is born, he/she will have a legitimate father, one that won't endanger their safety by turning into a savage monster every full moon. Yes, Sirius's potion helps, but only just. I still transform, but sleep it off. What happens if I am unable to get the potion? What would happen if I should accidentally harm you, or our child? The thought remains an unbearable one. I would rather die than have that happen.
Lily, James has always liked you. He may even Love you. He was always a bit gone on you, and was a might jealous of me. Do not let him see you pregnant. I implore you, take the potion.
All my love
Remus
xxxxx
Remus,
I am scared. The baby is showing in spite of the potion I reluctantly took. I appear to be four months gestation, when I know I am only two months along. Help me please. The baby kicks constantly, and I swear, it knows when I try to rest, and kicks more violently, keeping me awake nights. I can't remember when I have slept normally.
My sister has been giving me strange looks, as if she knows something is awry. I never thought I would say this, but that bloated toad she's engaged to seems to distract her. I am oddly grateful to Vernon… (And no, I am not 'losing it!')
I miss you my love and I cannot stand the thought of being with James Potter. Please quit insisting I do. I would rather date Snape than him. (Did I say that?) It seems my hormones are making me daft. Alas, James and I have a date on Saturday night. I must go; I can barely keep my eyes open. I will continue to wait for your response, and take the potion as you requested. I hope it halts the progress. I need rest. I had a dream of our child last night. It was frightening. The birth was so painful I spiraled into madness. I hope the birth isn't like that.
I love you and miss you so much. The thought of not holding you makes me insane. Imagine me in your arms right now.
Nodding off,
Your Lily
xxxxx
Dear Sweet Lily,
Tears are flowing from my eyes. You need rest. I am sending you another potion that will induce sleep. Not to fear, it won't harm the baby, the baby will likely calm down. Take it two hours before bedtime, and one hour before you take the forestalling draught. I am also sending you a concealing blouse. This will give you the appearance of normality, but mind you, it only works for seven hours at a time, so use it wisely. I am surprised you felt the quickening so soon. I find this most intriguing. Please don't worry about the dreams, women in your delicate condition often have disturbing dreams. The hormones are to blame.
How did the date go Saturday night? Do let me know the details. I am wracked with jealousy, yet I know if anyone was to raise my son or daughter, I would want that person to be James. Why not Sirius? Sirius is too much of an adventurer and would grow restless with time. Not good husband material. It is because I love you that I am suggesting this. The baby needs respect and a father that won't rip it to shreds at the first full moon.
I love you and miss you,
Remus
xxxxx
Remus,
With the sleeping potion, the forestalling draught seems to have worked. I don't even have to use the blouse, because I have been eating ravenously and can blame my roundness on the food. Thank you, my love, for your concern.
The date with James was… um… almost what I expected. He spent most of the time talking nonstop about quidditch, and messing up his hair. We went into the Three Broomsticks (not my first choice, but he was paying!) I had barely opened the top on my butterbeer when he became distracted by a rather loud game of wizards chess happening two tables left of us. I barely got a word in the rest of the night, as he shouted suggestions at the players for three hours. I still think James is a git, but he does have certain... rakish charm.
Remus, he could never replace you in my heart. No one ever will. No matter what happens, you will be my unforgotten love. And our love will live in this wonderful life that I carry inside.
The baby seems quieter now, as if it's saving up for something. I still feel movements, but they are slow, deliberate, almost… I hate to use this word, planned. I've also been feeling little jabs of pain. I consulted the Wizard's Pregnancy Book and they said this was rather common from "cross breeding". It sounds so harsh, so dirty somehow. I had to remind myself this book was written centuries ago, when prejudice against werewolves ran rampant.
It doesn't matter anyway. This little life inside me, whether wolfish or human, will be my heart, my life, my child. I will love our baby no matter the outcome.
Forever yours,
Lily
xxxxx
My Sweet, Sweet Lily,
For the first time since my untimely departure, I am truly smiling. Your description of James as "rakish" made me chuckle. Oh Lily, how I wish I could hold you, lay my hand on your stomach, and feel the life inside you. I would give anything if I could. Well, I WAS smiling.
I am glad the draught worked, but please keep the concealing blouse close in case of an emergency. There are those who can see into your mind and would be able to tell. They might already know. Severus is particularly gifted at reading minds. Avoid eye contact with him.
It is possible that Dumbledore might already know, but if he does, he hasn't said anything to me. The important thing is not to let James know.
I love you with all my heart and anxiously await your next letter.
All my love,
Remus
xxxxx
Sweet Remus,
I am sorry it took me so long to write back. Things have been really busy around here. The most difficult thing to deal with is my sister. I SWEAR she must be a witch and is just concealing it. I am sure she knows I'm pregnant. Her icy stare greets me each time I walk by her.
As Severus goes, I rarely see him since I graduated Hogwarts. James and I ran into him at the Three Broomsticks last week, and he raised his greasy eyebrow as he passed. I am sure it is nothing!
As per your request, I have been getting closer to James. We get together often. He is quite the conversationalist! Since he dropped that over-confident act, we have been getting along swimmingly. He has such a good sense of humor. Now I can see why you were such good friends. He shares a lot of your qualities. But he could never be you.
The baby is moving more again, it kicked me so hard during my last date with James that I almost passed out. No kidding. My butterbeer slipped from my hand and shattered on the floor. James was so worried; he cleaned up the mess, swept me up in his arms and carried me to my parents' house. It was really rather sweet.
I must be going, love you dearly,
Lily
xxxxx
My Beautiful Lily,
Words fail me. What I wanted so much, what I needed to happen, seems to be happening. Why do I feel so hollow inside? It seems you are quite taken with James, as you mentioned him four times in your last letter. I feel I am losing you, yet am powerless to stop it. I don't want you to forget me, yet I need you to live a near normal life. A life I could never feasibly give you. No potion, nothing I could do could stop these events in motion. I feel trapped Lily. I love you so much. I have to go, my vision is obscured somehow.
Forever yours,
Remus
xxxxx
Remus My Love,
I don't know what to say. Despite my hardest efforts, I do find myself drawn to James, perhaps as a moth to a candle. He seems to be taken with me, visits my floo constantly, and is always sending embarrassing letters. My sister intercepted one yesterday, and you should have seen the look on her face. It was priceless! I'm sorry love; this isn't making you feel any better, is it? This is what you wanted, right? Am I making a mistake? The baby is still moving, but I haven't shown any more, I just look like I have had one too many servings of bread pudding. Ha! One weird thing though, I found myself craving calves liver. I bought some at the local market and began frying it up. Before I realized it, I had eaten half the package raw. Isn't that a bit strange? Perhaps I should consult the wizard pregnancy book again, although it might raise some questions if I am caught reading it.
Remus please don't worry. I trust your judgment that James would be the right person to look after me and the baby. I may have feelings for him, I don't know. It's been seven months since I have seen you, and I miss you more each day. I am so confused. I wish this had never happened, then you would still be here. At least there would only be one life at risk.
Tearfully,
Lily
xxxxx
My Darling Lily,
I am sorry this letter comes a bit late. As you know, last weekend was the full moon, and my transformation was more painful than it has ever been. I lay in a stupor for three days afterward. I now have two large lacerations on either side of my jaw line that are only beginning to scab over, though Madam Pomphrey says the scarring should be minimum. Thanks to Dumbledore, I can still receive her wonderful care, even though I've graduated. Sirius said the potion would become less effective as I became more mature. Not to worry, he is working on a revision of the formula. He may have to consult Severus for advice, though this thought makes me cringe.
How are things with our little one? Is the baby showing any more? Do you need more forestalling potion? I miss you so much Lily, I want to see you before the baby is born. While I am still nervous about your closeness to James, I know it is what I advised, and what I feel is the best thing for you.
All my heart
Remus
xxxxx
My Love,
Things are moving quickly here. A little too quickly. James in all his infinite tact made a comment about my weight gain. He patted my stomach and said, "A little too much butterbeer, dear?" I punched his arm, perhaps a little too hard. It was a close call though. The baby chose that precise moment to kick out, and I swear it was directed at James's hand. He withdrew his hand and gave me a strange look. Thinking quickly, I pretended to have an attack of hiccups, and said, amidst fake hitches, "Yeah, a little too much butterbeer!" We had a good laugh, and the moment passed without incident. Thank goodness he is a bit thick in the skull.
Remus, the baby is growing again. I have been pregnant for almost a year, and I think nature is finally "taking its course" as the old saying goes. It seems the forestalling potion is not as effective as it once was. My fingernails seem to be growing faster, and I have developed a thick coating of fine brown hair on my shoulder blades. How ladylike! Good thing it isn't swimsuit season! I have avoided wearing sleeveless blouses thus far, as hair removal spells aren't effective. The hair just grows back ten seconds later. I even tried the muggle remedy of "shaving." Not only was it painful, but I broke three shaving blades in the process. I may be hallucinating, but I swear my canine teeth have increased in length. I am sure it is my imagination. Isn't it? Ha ha!
On a more somber note, James proposed to me last night. I haven't said yes yet, my heart won't let me. How can I marry someone that I don't love? You are my heart, my being, my very life. This baby inside me is yours, not his. I want you to be the man I marry, the father to our child. It is becoming harder to hide the growing life. I miss you so much Remus.
Tearfully,
Lily
xxxxx
My Dear Lily,
I want to see you. I can't wait another day. Your closeness to James, however warranted, makes me uneasy. I want to be with you one last time, before the baby is born. I need to hold you, look into your deep green eyes, feel your silky hair on my hands, and taste the saltiness of your kiss. I need you Lily. Meet me by the Whomping Willow Saturday night, as dusk approaches. Trust me, things will work out.
I love you so much!
Anxiously awaiting our meeting,
Remus
xxxxx
My love, I cannot wait!
Lily