Moonlights and Sunrises
EPOV Outtake
The Violent Hour
"You're bleeding," I said, reaching for the blood on her face. I felt the need to fix her. I had seen her hurt too much already. I wanted to stop it.
"So are you," she said, her voice was flat as she reached for my arm. I tried to shake her off. I wasn't hurt. Not like she was. But when I looked down, I saw it. My shirt sleeve was soaked in blood. At first, you don't notice it. Being shot. Sure it was just a flesh wound but I honestly didn't notice it was there until she said something. And even then it didn't matter. They could have taken me apart limb by limb and I don't think I would have noticed. The pain I was feeling was far from physical.
I watched Maria die. They forced me to hit Bella. I watched as she was beaten and raped and hurt over and over again. I was forced to watch as Nemo forced a gun into her hand and pull the trigger ending the life of one of her friends. I thought I witnessed her murder. And I'm pretty sure I did witness my brother's murder. Even if we did get out of this alive I don't think we we would be in one piece. We would be broken. We are broken.
I didn't fight as they shoved me into the closet with her. There was nothing I could do to help anyone. I wasn't strong. I wasn't brave. I had no medical training beyond what I picked up from watching my dad all these years. But I didn't retain enough I didn't want to be a doctor like him, I wanted to chose my own path. I didn't want to fix things. I wanted to create things. But all I was creating here was a mess. And we didn't have someone who knew how to fix it.
We paused a moment, both of us trying to fix the other. But there was nothing to help us know. Nemo's anger was flaring and he was ready to take it out on us. "Enough with the fucking pleasantries!" he shouted at us. "I didn't bring you in here to fucking chit chat! You need to be punished." He pulled Bella away from me and pushed her into the wall. "And this time, I promise you, I will break you. I am not going to let you keep getting away with shit, Princess." I jumped forward ready to keep him from doing anymore harm to her. She had been though enough. But he turned to me, gun pointed at Bella and glared at me. "You move so much as an inch and it will only make me hurt her worse before I kill her. You know I can do it and I will. Be a good boy and just watch."
He kept Bella pinned against the wall, his body pressed up against hers as he reached between them to unfasten his belt. His lips fell on the soft curves of her neck, the same place where I had kissed her earlier. Where if you kissed in just the right spot her eyes closed and her hands grabbed at the closest thing to hold on to. His right hand kept the gun trained onto her as his left hand snacked around her body and began to wander and explore her body. He was drawing it out. Making it worse for both her and I. My knees grew weak and I collapsed to the ground. I couldn't watch this happen again.
"Don't do this!" I shouted, knowing it wouldn't stop him. But I had to try.
But to my surprise he did stop. His lips left her neck and he smiled. He fucking smiled like a madman and released her. "You know what, you're right. I don't want to do this. I have no interest in this bothersome piece of trash." He moved away from her and righted his clothing. Bella tried to do the same. "I'd much rather you do it."
"Do what?" I asked quietly, in awe that Bella was safe for the moment. I had spared her more hurt and harm. Nemo's smile grew wider and he laughed louder.
He didn't say anything but continued to laugh like mad when Bella stepped forward. "Me," she said in a voice so quiet I could barely hear her.
I met her blank gaze and furrowed my brow. "What?" I asked, still unclear on what I was supposed to do that Nemo found so humorous. I began to understand when Bella took a slow, careful step towards me and her eyes fell to the ground, unable to look at me anymore. "No," I said, looking Nemo right in the eye. There was no way I could do that.
Nemo raised his gun from the floor but didn't take perfect aim and Bella or myself. It was just his way of making me understand that one way or another we were going to get hurt. "If you would like to live, no is not an option."
I was frozen. Time stood still and I couldn't have moved or responded even if I wanted too. Bella's eye met mine again, and she nodded subtly. She was trying to make me think that it was okay. Nothing about this situation was okay. "It's okay," she whispered softly as she continued to tip toe over to me, giving us both a chance to adjust to what was about to happen. Her eyes never left mine. I don't know if that helped or made it worse. "It's okay," she whispered the reassurance again. No matter how many times she said it, I couldn't believe it. That wasn't how our first time was supposed to be. Two people are supposed to met and fall in love slowly. We were forced into this situation and somehow grew to love each other quickly. But that didn't make this right. We were supposed to get out of here, get our lives back on track. Maybe go on a date or two before we finally gathered enough courage to even begin to think about being intimate with each other. We needed to go slow. We needed to heal before our relationship could get to this point. If we did this now, like this. Where would that leave us? Would there be an us? There couldn't be. She would never forgive me. We could never forget.
Bella's hands went up to her chest and she slowly unzipped the sweatshirt she was wearing and let it fall to the floor. She stood there unashamed of her nakedness. I wish I could take the moment to enjoy her body the way it should be. She had a beautiful body that was now hidden underneath layers of assault. But I couldn't find it in myself to see beyond that. I could only see the hurt and pain and I knew I could not add to that. She took another slow step to me and put her hands on the hem of my shirt. "Stop, Bella!" I tried to shout but it only came out as a painful whisper. "I can't do this."
Her eyes fell in shame. Nemo cocked the gun, a warning for us. For me. "You'd rather die than have sex with me?" her voice was so small and broken. How can she not see that wasn't what this was about? If we weren't here, like this I would love nothing more than to be with her. But there was no way I could do this. "No," I protested. "I just don't think I can do it like this." I can't hurt her, I wanted to explain. "Literally, I don't think it will work." There was no chance at me getting hard right now. I couldn't do it with an audience. And even if I could get around that. I couldn't do it with out her permission,. I couldn't hurt her in the ways I had seen her hurt already. My body was shut down and closed for business on that front.
Nemo's laughter filled the room again. "Performance anxiety, little faggot? And I thought you actually liked her. I guess she was just your little fag hag. You better get it up or she dies." He closed the distance between us and put the gun up to her head.
My eyes rolled up and I stared at the ceiling, trying to block up the rest of the room. "Not helping," I sighed, trying to force my body alive.
I was taken aback when I felt Bella's cold hand on my cheeks. I met her eyes and calmed just the tiniest bit. "Close your eyes," she whispered and I complied. "Clear your mind. Forget about him. It's just you and me." Her voice was soft and even, very calm and soothing. Slowly her words helped to transport me to another place. We weren't locked in a broom closet we were home. My home. Our home. We were alone in the bedroom, three dates under our belt and two glasses of wine into the night, just the way it should be. Her hands slipped from my face and unbuckled my belt, her small hand slipping into my pants. I brought my head forward and pressed my lips to hers, it was the gentlest ghost of a kiss. I don't know if you could even consider it a kiss. But the next one was better. I didn't go fast. I wanted to ease us into this gently as I could, not that it would make it any better. But slowly as she gently stroked me as if there weren't a care in the world, I came to life in her hand.
And just as soon as I was beginning to forget what this moment really was, Bella's lips left mine in a rush and I could hear a small gasp escape her. I opened my eyes to find Nemo holding Bella close to him and my heart began to break again. "This isn't meant to be fun for you. You're not going to be making love," he spat viciously. "You're going to fuck. Fast and hard." I tried to keep myself calm as he began to bark orders at us. "Get undressed." I worked as quickly as possible before my body betrayed me again. "Push her. Throw her to the ground." Before I could even think about complying Bella lie down on the cold floor. "You next." I dropped to my knees and Bella nodded at me again. She could do that all she wanted but it wasn't going to change what was going to happen. I was going to rape her.
"I"m sorry," I whispered my voice cracking as I slowly lowered myself to her. My heart was racing and I tried not to break down. I tried to be strong to not make this any harder on either one of us, but I don't know if it was working. Bella frowned as my body came in contact with hers. My heart stopped in that moment. I hadn't even started and she was already repulsed by my touch.
"What are you waiting for? Fuck her like your life depends on it. Because it does." He laughed for a moment before he composed himself again. Those words should motivate me. They should erase any hesitation I had but I still had a moment to pause. "Now!" He shouted growing impatient when I remained still. It was now or never. And never also meant death. Her death. Surely death was worse than what I was about to do to her. Right? I brought my body as close as I could get to hers, my forehead burring itself into her shoulder. "I'm so sorry," I whispered, my voice cracking as I forced myself into her. Her body went ridged and the quietest whimper escaped from her. I stilled instantly. "I'm so sorry," I kept repeating myself trying to ease both of our pain. "I said no making love. I want to see fucking," Nemo continued to shout out his commands.
"I'm sorry," I repeated again, this time it was more of a growl through clenched teeth as my movements picked up pace. I refused to pick my head up. I would keep it burred in shame so no one would have to see the monster I had become.
Nemo laughed and made more demands. "Harder!" he shouted. "Faster," he demanded. And with each of his commands a little bit of my humanity was stripped away as I gave in and became the monster he wanted me to be. Bella's body began to shake under me and though I'm sure she tried to fight it, I could hear her cry out. How anyone could enjoy doing this to another human being is beyond me. I felt like I would never recover from the regret and remorse I would carry from this act. If stopping would mean my death instead of hers, I would welcome death. I felt like I was dying inside anyway. Life would never be the same again. Nemo continued to shout at me. Harder! Faster! I tried my best to comply and to block him out all at the same time. "Don't tell me you aren't enjoying this?" I could hear his knees crack as he bent down to my level. His breath warm on my ear. "I want you to get off on the power you have over her," he growled in my ear. "On the pain you are causing her."
It sunk in then. I didn't know how to do it. How was I supposed to do that? How was I supposed to get off like this? His shouting. Her cries. My guilt eating away at me. How could I possibly find any pleasure in that? I'm not a sadist like them.
Instinct, I tried to convince myself. Turn off my brain and let instinct take control. So I locked myself up and allowed natural caveman instinct to take over. It didn't help much but it was all I had. It still seemed to take forever for my body to respond but finally it did. The normal euphoria of orgasm was replaced with pain and regret. I let out a cry and a heavy breath and quickly slipped from her body trying to spare her any more pain from my doing. But I couldn't make myself look at her. I could never meet her eyes again. Not after what I just did to her. Forced or not. "I'm so sorry," I sobbed into her shoulder. I continued to apologize as she pushed me away and got away from me as fast as she could. Through my tears I could see her quickly throw on the only article of clothing she had, my sweatshirt, and run out of the room.
I sat there almost unable to move the guilt was so heavy on me. "Congratulations," Nemo said, throwing my clothes back at me. "How does it feel to finally be a man?"
I wanted to threaten him. I wanted to kill him. But most of all I wanted to get to Bella. To start to make up for this. I redressed and ran from the room straight to the bathroom I knew she would be seeking solace in. The lights were off but I knew she was there. I could hear her sobs and I wanted to give in and cry with her. But I'm sure she needed someone to lean on and I was going to try to be strong for her. I tiptoed to her, leaving the light off, giving her as much privacy as I could knowing she would need it. I slowly approached her and wrapped my arms around her. I should have known better. She started to lash out and fight me.
"It's just me," I whispered softly, trying to sooth her. But she didn't calm she continued to fight me as I tried to hold her again. "I'm so sorry," I said and I kept repeating my apologies hoping that she would eventually see how much I regretted what I had done to her.
"Don't!" she screamed at me, backing herself into the corner. "Don't touch me!" My heart broke as she said it. Almost like she expected me to hurt her again. Once was hard enough. "Please," her voice was pleading. She screamed until her voice gave out, then she cried.
I allowed her some space and I backed away silently crying with her. I ran out of tears before she did. And when she finally quieted I flipped on the light. She recoiled from the harsh brightness off it. I slowly crawled towards her, still allowing her a lot of space from me. She drew her knees up to her chest and hugged them in tightly. I copied her motions and rested my head on my knees. "Did I hurt you?" I whispered even if it was just the two of us. I wanted to remain quiet and calm, I didn't want to startle or scare her more than I already had.
What she did next almost made me break down. She laughed. Hysterically. "Of course you hurt me," she said when her laughter subsided. I closed my eyes and drew in a sharp breath. Despite my best efforts to hold them back the tears fell and Bella cried with me. It didn't take long for us to settle down this time. "I know it's not your fault," she said, her voice horse. "Don't blame yourself."
"How can I not?" I asked her my voice cracking in pain.
Our eyes met for the first time and I almost broke again, seeing all the pain she was hiding in there. "It's easy," she whispered. "It never happened." She said it with no emotion. She didn't shed a tear. It was as if she had already forced it from her memory. I would never be able to do that. Every time I look at her now, all I will see is all the pain I have caused her.
"Bella, I-I..." I stammered, trying to find the right words to say. But were there ever going to be the right words. I would never be able to speak enough apologies to make thighs right between us. All I could do is try. "I will never be able to forget about that. I will feel guilty about it for the rest of my life. No amount of anything I ever do for you will ever make up for it."
"Please. Don't," she pleaded. "I don't blame you. You... doing that, it kept us alive. And I know I am not the only one that is going to have nightmare over it but please allow me to be selfish right now. It was bad enough..." I barely held it together as she spoke, there was only one stray tear that slipped from my eye. "It was hard enough to live through let alone to continue to think about. So please, can we just pretend it never happened?" I couldn't respond. I couldn't find my voice. I knew if I opened my mouth all I would do is cry. And I didn't want to cry for her anymore. I had to hide my pain. She was right. It was her moment to be selfish. "Please, Edward. I can't. I can't think about it anymore. I can't talk about it. I can't relieve it. I need to let it go. And so do you. Or I will never be able to..." her voice was quivering and I could tell she was barely holding it together as she spoke. She was about to unravel again all because of my doing.
"If it never happened," I said quickly, saving her the pain of speaking again. I got to my feet and slowly approached her. "Then we need to clean up every trace of it off of you." I kept my voice even and flat, trying to keep the emotion out of it so we wouldn't break down again. If she wanted to move past it. I would try for her sake. I would never forget. I would never forgive myself. But for her I can try. I can pretend. "Let me help you." I held out my hands and she stood rooted in place a moment before she accepted my hands and I helped her up.
I led her to the sinks and turned on the water, making sure to get it nice and warm. It wasn't going to be a luxurious bath but it would have to do. I washed her hair as best I could with hand soap in the sink. It left her hair clean but in a tangled mess. I did my best to run my fingers though it and get it looking as best I could without hurting her. It wasn't much but it was clean.
I took a handful of paper towels and wet them in the sink. I carefully ran them over her face, cleaning it as delicately as I could. I didn't want to cause her any more pain. From her face I slowly moved down her body to her neck. I wanted to do more but didn't know if I would be crossing any lines with her. I rested my hand on her shoulder and carefully slid the material of the sweatshirt off her shoulder, exposing her collar bone. It was completely innocent but my heart was racing, fearing she would misinterpret my motives. My eyes met hers and she gave a quick nod and I moved on. I slowly unzipped the sweatshirt giving it a little push off her shoulders and it fell to the ground. I tried to keep my face neutral as I took in the sight of her body. My eyes grew wide, I was bordering on hyperventilating and my heart was beating so fast I was sure it was bound to leap of my chest. I tried to keep it locked in but I couldn't. "Oh, God, Bella! Look what I did to you." My knees gave out and I collapsed into her. I wrapped my arms around her, a silent apology, a promise to protect her always from this point forward. I buried my face into her neck in shame, unable to meet her eyes any longs. "I'm sorry. I am so fucking sorry. I will spend the rest of my life making sure no one every hurts you again. I know I can never make it up to you but I am going to try like hell until the day that I die."
She tensed in my arms and I pulled away from her. "Please don't do this. We promised," she begged me in a whisper so quiet I could barely hear her. She grabbed my face between her hands and forced me to meet her eyes. ""You didn't do this. You didn't hurt me. Because nothing happened between us. They've been hurting me the whole time. This is them. Not you. You would never hurt me." She tried to convince me. "Now please help me get cleaned up. I can only imagine from your face how awful the rest of me looks."
I nodded in response and grabbed more towels and continued to gently clean the rest of her body. I traced every line of her arms. I was careful with her back, her wounds reopened and slowly bleeding. I went over the swell of her breast and the curve of her hips. There was nothing sexual about it. I was a doctor treating his patient. I only hesitated once as I reached the delicate area where her thighs met. "Bella, I..." There was so much I wanted to say but I bit my tongue for her sake. She didn't say anything. She stood frozen in place but she didn't cringe or refuse my touch as I approached her. "I'm sorry if this hurts you," I whispered as I carefully cleaned off my seed tainted with her blood.
When I was done I helped her redress. She met my eyes and placed a small kiss on my cheek. "Thank you," she whispered. "You've been a great friend thought this all."
I wanted to refuse her thanks after all I had done to hurt her. But she seemed to be hell bent on forgetting all about it. All I could do was nod and follow her back out to hell hoping that it would all end soon.