People always leave. A character on my favorite television show always says that. People always leave. I don't mean to repeat myself, but I'm trying to make a point. People always leave...but sometimes they come back.
I never expected to see him again, he came into my life so unexpectedly. It was a whirlwind of emotions: happy, sad, joy, fear, excitement, anger. I had never felt so alive before in my life. I never even knew my body was capable of feeling such emotions.
It was my first day of school after my mom and I have just moved from New York to California. I felt lost in this small town called Glenoak, I lived right smack in the middle of Manhattan back in New York. Glenoak compared to Manhattan was like...well it's like eating filet mignon your whole life then on the lunch line one day the lunch lady slaps some brown, slimy looking...thing and tells you it's steak.
Well I guess you can tell I hated it. I was miserable, I felt so out of place and I had never before been so aware of my New "Yawk" accent. But on that first day of school my mom shooed me out of the house in record time. I even managed to catch the bus to school. I had managed to find the guidance office and get my class schedule and my locker and home room assignments. Everything was going well until I had to find my locker. I had number 568! When I looked at the row of lockers outside the guidance office and saw they were in the single digits I got this sinking feeling that things were going to go so smoothly.
I don't believe in fate, but some of you will call it that. I was walking up and down every hallway in search for my non-existent locker when I met him. Well I actually ran into him and nearly knocked him over, but nevertheless I met him. He stood at nearly six feet tall and was this beautiful, Greek-god looking Californian boy. His skin was perfectly tanned and he had these pool blue eyes that shined. His hair was cut short and he spiked it up. He wore a pair of khaki cargo shorts and a blue shirt that matched the color of his eyes perfectly.
"Are you okay" He had asked me, in his husky voice that nearly made me melt. I barely managed an audible answer in reply. He then introduced himself as Simon, at this point I had managed to regain control of myself and managed to tell him my name.
"Amanda" He had said "Nice to meet you." My name rolled off his tongue like raindrops sliding off a rose petal. It was pure magic, I was in heaven, I was in love.
Simon had helped me find my locker and every class I had that day. I don't know how he did it but he always managed to be waiting right outside the door for me the second the bell rang. Not that I'm complaining, believe me, I loved every second of it.
For all of my first month at school Simon was there to walk me to class, eat lunch with me, he introduced me to his friends, he really made a difference I was starting to really like it in this small town. Then one day he invited me over for dinner, my mom was out of town for the weekend on business and I was elated by the invitation. We were becoming good friends fast, but meeting his family? That's a big step! Simon had told me he had a pretty big family, but I never expected what I saw there.
I should tell you now that part of the reason my mom and I moved was because she was tired of living on her own. My father left when I was barely a month old and my two older brothers moved out the second they turned eighteen. Besides my mother and I no one had a good relationship, anyway, Mom had heard that one of my brothers might be living by my Uncle Jim in Anaheim. So when my mom got the job offer in California she jumped at the opportunity. It was pretty sad, she would spend her weekends hunched over the white pages and online searching for his name. I don't' even know if she would have called, I think she just wanted to know he was close by. My other brother Michael moved to Florida, settled down and got married, from what I hear he's happy.
So like I said Simon invited me over for dinner to meet his family, he picked me up from my apartment that afternoon and brought me back to his house. It was beautiful! It was a split level ranch and everything inside of it looked like it was right out of a magazine. Every single item was in place, it didn't even look like anyone lived there.
I can't describe my surprise when I walked into their kitchen and saw my brother helping set the table. I was dumbfounded, this rush of emotions came over me like a tidal wave. He skipped out of our family for them? I wanted to run, I wanted to get the hell out of there, run home and hide under my covers. I wanted to wake up from this nightmare I was having. My poor mother, I can't even imagine the pain that this would cause her.
Before I could make a move to the door Simon was calling Johnny's name. Our eyes met and I tried my best to give him the dirtiest look possible. I must have not done too good of a job because he dropped everything in his hands and ran over to me and embraced me. After he let go, Johnny explained to Simon that he was by brother. Over the course of the night I had learned that Johnny had gotten into some trouble with drugs and money and Simon's family let him live with them until he got his life back on track.
It was real nice and all, but I couldn't help but to wonder why he hadn't called mom. Johnny's answer? He had been too ashamed. Maybe that's the case, but I still wasn't too eager to forgive him. My mom was a different story, that Sunday afternoon when she returned home, she sobbed like a baby and rocked him in her arms for hours. They cried together and laughed and swapped stories. I stood in the door disgusted by the whole scene, it made me want to vomit.
No one else shared in my pain or discomfort about this whole thing. In fact my mom was so overjoyed about finding Johnny she insisted he move in with us. Simon and I continued our friendship and eventually started dating. For the while Simon and I dated I was able to ignore my life at home, I could escape to his house and pretend my life was there. I only came home to sleep, I ate, did my homework, watched television all at Simon's house and his family always welcomed me.
It was on the day of our first fight that my life collapsed around me. It shattered like a mack truck running over a piece of crystal. I had been cranky all day, I woke up in a sour mood and my day got worse from there. I forgot to do my homework in one class, another we had a pop quiz and if that weren't enough my shirt got caught on a nail by the cafeteria and ripped. I had to change into my gym clothes and wear them for the rest of the day. Simon had sensed my tension but instead of letting me cool off he tried to get me to talk about it.
I'm not really the type to talk when I'm angry, I blow up, I hear I can thank my father for that trait. So we got into a fight, nothing too major but I had decided I needed to spend the night alone and I opted to eat dinner at home that night. I knew something was wrong the moment I walked in the door, Johnny and my mom were sitting at the table talking quietly. My mom had a tissue in her hand that she was ripping to shreds. Both of their heads snapped up when I walked in, I think I had tried to make some sort of joke but neither of them laughed. Instead my mom simply asked me to sit down. Warily I took my seat opposite Johnny and looked between the two of them expectantly.
"I have cancer" My mom had barely finished those three words before I was on my feet. I ran from the table and threw myself down on my bed. This couldn't be happening!
Only it was happening, she did have cancer and she didn't have much time left. I began to put together the pieces of the puzzle. Why mom had wanted to find Johnny so badly, why she had been so receptive to him and welcomed him back without any hesitations. She wanted to make sure I had family when she was gone.
It was at that point I began to hate Simon's family. It was also about the same time Simon and I began to drift apart. He had his perfect mother who stayed home and cooked and cleaned and took care of her family but still managed to find time to be active in the community. His father was a stock broker in a nearby city that loved doing things with his children, he valued family and his time with them. I even hated his sister even though she treated me like gold. His older brother got annoying with how much he cared all the time. Suddenly I was yearning for my own screwed up family. For my mother who burned T.V. dinners and my non-existent father or my own brothers that didn't care about me or bothered with me.
About the same time my mom stopped working I stopped living. I would hole myself up into my room for hours. Only coming out to go to school or the bathroom. I had no desire to do anything, my grades suffered, I lost weight, I had no appetite. I took the one solid piece of family I had left and took her for granted. I had yearned to be a part of Simon's family so badly I had forsaken my own mother...and now she was dying.
Flash forward a couple of months and I'm in the beginning of my senior year, Simon and I don't talk anymore. In fact he hardly looks at me in the hallways. He told me the last time we spoke I was cruel and unforgiving and he could no longer be in a relationship with me, not even a friendship. Johnny and I talk less and less as mom gets into her final days, the apartment is cold and lonely. Her bed hasn't been slept in for months now. Johnny sleeps on the sofa bed, I stay in my room, but I don't sleep. I stay up all night, every night thinking, trying to make sense of it all. In the end I always come up with the same answer...people always leave.