Greatest Regrets…
of Todd Tolansky
Just a short note- this is a new style for me. I've seen a lot of collections like this, with multiple thoughts or incidents tied by a single theme. I love the idea and couldn't get rid of this idea. I don't think the format belongs to anyone in particular (I've seen it in a lot of different places without a note about a source, and it's a pretty vague format). So, here's an attempt.
Comments, criticism, and random information are quite welcome.
I.
My birth.
After all, wasn't I the reason my father left my mom? He didn't even have to see me, yo- nope! He left when he heard my mom say, "I'm pregnant," and continued with, "I'm keeping it." Wonder if that's her greatest regret… She never said it, but I've just gotta think that. She always looks sad when she talks about that bum, even if she'd never admit it.
II.
My first expulsion.
Some jock- a Duncan wannabe- smashed me through a window when I didn't jump out of his way fast enough, and the principle decides that the varsity athlete can't be upset, much less punished. So, I get blamed for the window, some damage to a locker room I'd never been in, and a trashed bathroom. Can't pay for the any of it. Get expelled.
My mom waited until she thought I was asleep before she cried.
III.
My second to last expulsion.
That one wasn't a shock to anyone. Not to the school, not my classmates, and certainly not me. Not my mom, either, because she never knew. She'd been dead a week, and I got kicked out for skipping every day since she'd gotten real bad sick- a month by that point.
So, that expulsion didn't really bother me, except that the social worker that stopped by slammed me in Bayville High, an easy target for jocks, thieves, school authorities, and Mystique.
IV.
Joining the Brotherhood.
Don't get me wrong! The guys have their good sides- I'm just not normally on them. They're not too bad, anyway. Freddy's great when he's paying attention, and Pietro's fine as long as he's not. Lance is kind of a mix of the two.
It's Mystique. I just cracked when she threatened me that first time, and, even though I looked back so much, I never got the nerve to back out. Mystique scares me too much. I'm never getting out of this mess, and I think it's gonna get someone killed.
V.
The last time I saw Rogue when she was still the Brotherhood sister.
It wasn't anything special. I was finding something to eat in the kitchen when she walked through. We didn't say anything. I don't think she noticed me- too distracted going to meet Cyclops for a project, or something. I didn't think a thing about it until it finally sunk in that she'd never be back.
But, sometimes… Sometimes I wonder if she would've left if she knew that she really could've had friends there. Even if it was just me, would've it have mattered at all? Who am I kidding, yo? She's a lot happier with the X-Men than she'd ever be in this trash heap with a bunch of hoods.
VI.
The day Tabby left.
She'd told me months before that I could go with her when she did leave. She didn't make me answer then- she was always nice like that, even if she was pushy when things weren't real serious. She was gonna let me choose later on, closer to the day she really did leave.
That day arrived. I knew what was gonna happen when Mystique walked back in. I saw Tabby come downstairs. I heard them argue. I saw Tabby walking through the door and give a 'wave goodbye.' And I didn't move, didn't speak, don't think I even breathed.
I just watched her go, listened to Mystique simmer, and knew I'd never get that chance again.
VII.
The day I fell in love with Wanda.
That was the day I first saw her. She was beautiful, strong, and fearless… And, when I heard what had happened to her, she reminded me so much of the girl I always dreamed about, the one more broken than me, the one I could actually help… She reminded me so much of that dream that I forgot I wasn't dreaming for a minute. I opened my froggy mouth and out popped some pet name that had never crossed my mind before.
I never stood a chance.
It's kind of sad that everyone thinks I don't know.
VIII.
The day mutants made the news.
I know I'd helped with trying to get us known before with the whole 'stadium-incident. 'I know I helped milk the situation with the 'heroes-incident.' But, now people hate me for being a mutant, on top of being ugly, smelly, dirty, stupid, and whatever else they think of. It was bad enough being trash without being a second class citizen on top of it, yo!
It's one thing to be hated, but ignored. It's another to be hated and pursued. I never wanted to be prey.
There are days I wish I was human.
IX.
The day I gave up.
I'm not suicidal, nothin' like that! No, I just gave up fightin' this whole thing- Mystique, Magneto, the Brotherhood, Wanda, the jocks, the world… It's not worth it. It's not worth the humiliation on top of the disappointment every time something doesn't work out...
I guess I'm just in for the ride now. Wonder how long it'll take anyone to notice that I'm faking every bit of energy now…
But I already know… Never. They'll never bother to guess.