This is based on a prompt from a friend on Tumblr. TW: Attempted suicide and depressing thoughts. The writing in italics are flashbacks. Enjoy (if that's the right word)!
Slowly, I look into the distance into nothingness as I stir my coffee, hearing only echoes of the spoon hitting the side of the mug. My mind is elsewhere, as usual. The noises of the ED outside the staff room are long gone, only the gently humming of machinery and droning of voices seeping through the walls. The door swings open and I'm joined by several colleagues, all chatting and opening their lockers, on their breaks. I don't even hear when they call my name in greeting.
The waves crash underneath my feet, the air enveloping me in a tight embrace as I stand on the edge. Tiny bites of cold attack my skin, but I don't notice, my eyes transfixed on the sea, picturing what I'm about to do. My feet are hanging off the edge of the pier, but I don't register the movement, yet again. It's dangerous, it's terrifying, I know that a large gust of wind could knock me off my feet, but it doesn't make me move backwards. It's such a long way down off the edge of the old pier, but it doesn't bother me, not really. I hate heights, but in this moment, all I want to do is jump, forgetting my fear. It seems more scary to move away from the edge than jump.
"Ethan?" I turn to see my brother peering into my eyes. He looks blurry for some reason, and then I realize I must have taken my glasses off. I slide them back onto my face and glance back at him, a 'what?' look on my face.
"You were miles away," Caleb comments. I nod.
"Sorry. Too many late nights." I say, for once telling the truth about why I'm so distant. I haven't slept properly in weeks, ranging from four hours to six at most. I know it's bad to mess with sleep, it's important, but some nights I just lay and stare into the distance, and I feel far too tired to go to sleep, which seems stupid, but it's how I feel. I just lay and breathe, not concentrated on anything, but the nagging feeling in my stomach that reminds me of how bad I feel.
It's been worse recently.
"Hey...?" I hear again. Cal's smiling, trying to get my attention. I must have let my mind wander off again.
"Yeah...sorry," I mutter.
I can almost picture my my body falling through the air, and feel oddly comforted at the thought. Then, I laugh a little. A shallow, humorless laugh. None of this is normal, I think. What ordinary sixteen-year-old stands on the edge of the pier, just staring and imagining death? Not many. I repeat my laugh, but I'm not smiling. I suddenly realize I'm crying, and I've gotten even closer to the edge. It's scary how I've moved without knowing. It makes me wonder if this time I will jump.
I'm crying.
I can't stop. They keep coming, the tears, dripping off my face. I sit on the sofa with my head in my hands, breathing harshly and feeling the stabbing sensation in my chest.
"There, there," soothes Robyn, stroking my back and murmuring words of comfort. We're sat in the relatives room, the family we just delivered the horrible news to is gone now gone.
"I should've saved her!" I whimper, gratefully accepting another tissue, which immediately gets wet with tears. That poor little girl…
"We can't save everyone," Robyn sighs helplessly. It's the usual sentence we medics here whenever things like this happen.
I'm never the sort of person who cries in public, but today, it's hopeless to try and stop. All I can see is the little girl's bloodstained face and sobbing parents as we tell them how we failed to bring her back, and all I can feel is the pain.
"I know, but I really wanted t-to save this one…" I whispered. She nodded, stroking my shoulder.
"I know, I know."
I watch the waves crash and feel strangely comforted. They look so nice. Perfect way to die, I decide. My stomach flips as I step forward, my feet now hanging over the edge, and prepare myself to jump. No more bullies, no more Dad, no more sadness, no more emptiness. Just the air as I slip through the air, feeling light as a feather. I spread my arms and arch my back, as if I'm about to fly away. Then, I take a deep breath. Hopefully, it'll be my last.
My shift is almost over. I've dodged resus, avoided my brother's watchful eye, gave a few smiles to those who look worried about me, and stayed on my feet, only having one breakdown after losing a patient. It's taken a lot to just continue as normal after that, and Robyn hasn't looked at me the same since. Only one more hurdle; pass the reception desk. How does everyone manage to act like everything's alright? We failed! So many people died, we could've saved so many more than we did. Still, I keep up with the charade, letting my brother chuck his arm over my shoulders. It comforts me, but I still feel bad.
"How about we go to the pub for a while, and after we can get takeout? Robyn -uh- tells me you had a rough shift?" Cal says, discreetly pulling me closer. I swallow.
"It was an average shift. I'm okay, thanks, I think I might just go home." I say, and just in case my cheeks are still tear-stained, I give him a forced smile. It feels like my face is being stretched to the limit, it feels so unnatural, but it convinces Cal.
"Alright," Cal smiles back, giving me one last squeeze before rushing off to join the laughing crowd of the others. I watch them leave, and breathe in deeply before I decide to leave as well, my legs guiding me to the swinging doors and leaving the place.
I suddenly feel myself falling, no, flying, through the air. I feel weightless. I feel free. I can feel the world rushing past me. I prise open my eyes, and realize how close the sea is. I'm so close I can just taste death. I feel a flicker of indecision but it's too late even if I did want to change my mind. I don't care, all I want is death to greet me. I hit the waves and am submerged in water. I close my eyes and let myself go.
I walk across the coast, seeing the familiar sea. I can see the pier where I jumped 13 years ago. I still remember every detail, ever feeling, everything. I felt close to tears, remembering how messed up I was in those young years. I sigh, and wonder if anything's really changed.
I hear beeping. The consistent droning of machines and the close breathing. I open my eyes hesitantly, and am greeted by a bright, pristine white painted room. I'm covered in a soft blanket and propped up by a pillow, I'm attached to several drips and I can see nurses scurrying back and forth from the window by the door in my room. It doesn't take long to realize the room I'm in is infact a hospital room, and the close breathing is from my brother. I turn to see his hands covering his face, and he's shaking ever so slightly. I gently reach out, causing him to jump out of his skin. His face lights up when he sees me, and I immediately feel like I'm somebody. He has a habit of making me feel important, like I'm wanted. I suddenly can't believe why I jumped earlier. How could I have thought I could lose him?
"Hey…" I whisper, my throat tight, my voice croaky.
"Hey, little brother." Cal smiles, reaching out to stroke a piece of hair out of my face. I smile weakly back.
"Gave me quite a scare, you know. I was in the car when I suddenly got a phone call, said you'd been found...in the sea...you're so lucky that man managed to pull you out, y'know that?" Cal said, his voice beginning to break, even though he's trying to seem unaffected. I bite my lip.
"I-I'm sorry...I never wanted to hurt you," I whisper. I'm telling the truth.
"Why, then? Please, help me understand." Cal whispers back, as if the words painful to say. I slowly shake my head.
"I don't know...just wanted everything to end. I...I am sorry…" I tell him. I miss out the fact that the bullies taunt me 9 to 5 everyday, Dad's constant 'be the best' regime and his forceful way of parenting and constant bruising, I miss out the emptiness and sadness. I don't want to hurt Cal more than I already have. Cal swallows hard, and I can see the tears shine in his eyes. Then he nods, and brings his chair closer. It's bright orange, far too cheery, I think. Why would they have such a happy chair in such a sad place? Then, I feel his arms around me. Without thinking, I wrap mine around him carefully, and for some reason, I start crying.
"I'm sorry!" I sob, and he hugs me tighter. I screw my eyes closed, and concentrate on my brother's soft whispers of comfort. I feel safe in his arms. I feel like I'm home.
I don't know how long I've been here. Several people have strolled past me, and I've been shouted at my several bikers, as I'm right in the middle of the beach path. I want to stand on the edge of the pier, and I want to fly again, but instead I turn and begin walking the way back home.
Things have changed. I know they have. I'm not leaving it all behind.
I walk all the way back home, only stopping to cross roads or wait for bikers. I eventually arrive back at the flat, and slot the key into the door, opening it and being overcome by the familiar smell of the place. It smells like home cooking, clean clothes and aftershave. I close it behind me and am greeted by the worried face of Cal.
"Where the hell have you been?" He rages, quickly swiping a hand across his face. I notice the tear trails on his cheeks. He hides his obvious fear and worry with anger, and I don't blame him.
"Walking," I reply simply.
"You didn't think of calling me?" Cal says his voice squeaking with incredulity. I look him up and down guilty.
"Sorry," I mutter, and he softens. With only a second's hesitation, he asks; "Where did you go?"
"Just the beach," I tell him. His face goes blank, and then it seems like he's been hit by realization.
"It's...oh, God, Ethan, I forgot...it's thirteen years since…" Cal trails off, realizing the dates match. I nod.
"Yeah, thirteen years since that day at the pier." he gives me a sad look. We both my remember my attempt as clear as day, and it still hurts a little. The fact that he knows why I was at the beach earlier feels like rubbing salt in the wound.
"I'm...I'm sorry I forgot." Cal sighs, and rakes a hand through his hair. "I could win an award for the worst brother, I'm sure. Well, several awards, and you can throw in a trophy as well." he laughs humorlessly at his own joke. I can see the upset on his face, and I can't bear it.
"You're not a bad brother, Cal. The opposite." I say, a small, weak smile on my face. He gives me the same expression back. "You haven't failed me,"
"But-" I cut him off.
"But nothing. You're the reason... I'm actually still here." I tell him truthfully. He begins blinking a bit more, and can't meet my eye. And then, gives me a smile.
"I'm proud of you," He says, and with that, he crashes into me with a bone-crushing hug. I'm shocked by the sudden affection, but I don't pull away. He's squeezing me way too tight, but I decide I don't care. I feel safe. I feel at home.
Things have changed, yes. But some things always stay the same.