"FUCK YEAH," Deadpool yelled, "I got the bag! I got the bag!" He pranced around the roof of a San Francisco warehouse and swung a large black canvas bag with bazaar white symbols.
"Stop, thief!" An old African woman in a voodoo priestess outfit chasing him with two large thugs.
"Uh oh," Deadpool ran to the edge of the roof and jumped. "Woohoo!" Bullets rained down on him, gun smoke filled his nose. "I love being shot at in the morning!"
Then a bullet went through his knee. "Oh dammit! Now I can't be an adventurer!"
"No you fool! You can't open that bag!" The Priestess called after him.
Deadpool saw a Vespa about a block away. "Come on legs don't crap out on me now," he got on and rode off into triumphant glory.
Later Wade was in his apartment trying to open his prize.
"The hell is that?" Came the voice of his blind roommate Al making coffee in the kitchen.
"What's in this bag that is tighter than a Mormon's ass," Wade struggled to untie the rope, "My dear Al, is a rare one of a kind collector's edition Hello kitty," The bag opened and he threw his hand in. "Plush doll?"
In his hand was not a Hello kitty plush but a purple Teletubbie smiling back at him. "TINKY WINKY?!"
"What's wrong? Spill coffee on your tiny winky again?" Al laughed walking to her chair.
"It's a fucking Teletubbie!" Wade pulled out more from the bag. "Dipsy, Laa-Laa, Po? Dammit Baer! You had to give a fanfiction assignment to the cruelest writer ever! I'm going shove a raven up your Poe loving…"
"What are you on about?" Al scolded.
"Nothing! I'm going to McDonald, I want some goddamn nuggets!" Wade stormed out of the apartment.
"Little bitch." Al scoffed drinking coffee.
Hours later, Wade was in his room asleep. With tissues everywhere, a stuffed unicorn by his side, and Barbie girl playing in the background he snored peacefully.
In the living room the light of the full moon crept in through the window. The light slowly enveloped each of the plush dolls and a green light flashed. One by one the teletubbies came to life. Quietly they marched into Wade's room. They looked at the man that lay before them. Dipsy fell from the bed and rolled under. He landed on an old magazine with Ryan Reynolds on the cover. The pages were stuck together as if something sticky was spilled. As he stood he noticed a handgun. He signaled to his friends to help. They brought the gun to Wade's face and let out an ungodly sound that resembled a rooster and pterodactyl having sex in a woodchipper.
Wade was startled awake. "Wha?" BANG! The teletubbies shot him in the face.
Suddenly Wade regenerated. "The hell?"
The teletubbies screamed in fear and Wade screamed back.
"Did I just get shot in the face by Teletubbies?!"
The plush dolls jumped from the bed and ran. Laa-Laa tripped and fell in the process only to stumble up and run out the room.
"Get back here you little shits!" Wade ran from the bed with the gun. "I'm going to shove your antenna up each other's asses!"
Tinkry Winky ran behind the couch. Wade flipped over the couch and blew its head off as he squeaked. Dipsy and Laa-Laa jumped on the counter and screeched. Wade turned and said "Who you gonna call? Deadpool!" He then shot them in the stomachs. Dipsy was still twitching so the only obvious thing to was to put it in the blender. "Teletubbiritas!"
He heard a door walked cautiously through the hall. "Where are you Po? Off to write more poetry?"
At that moment he heard a squeak and splash coming from the bathroom.
He ran into the room. "I'm knocking on your chamber door, where the fuck are you?"
He heard a rustling in the in the toilet tank. Wade took off the lid and Po screeched from within. Wade grabbed her and put the gun up to her.
"Ready to die bitch?"
Po only replied with a high pitched laugh. From behind him Wade heard the same noise. He turned to see the other three in one piece closing the door.
"Really? Can we not?"
Po bit his hand and the other jumped on him. In recoil from the bite and tackle he fell in the tub. The teletubbies clawed and bit him viciously. They struggled for a few seconds and finally gathering his composer, Wade ripped the curtain from the shower rod and put the teletubbies in it as a makeshift bag.
He slammed the bag on the floor. "I. Am. Tired. Of. Your. Shit!" He slammed the bag with each word. Wade sat and breathed heavily. "Woo."
Wade ties the now screaming Teletubbies back into the black canvas bag and it goes silent. Wade gave a sigh of relief.
He put on his suit and called a taxi to the STARK air field across town. Avoiding cameras and the security systems Deadpool got in his favorite jet and took off.
Deadpool had some idea of what he was doing. The volcano Kilauea in Hawaii was a good place to dump unwanted items or bodies.
As he got closer Deadpool put the plain on autopilot and threw the bag in the cargo drop.
"Not so tough now, huh?"
The computer beeped as an indication that it was time to drop the load. With one press of a button the Teletubbies fell to their to their volcanic doom.
"Ah. Nothing gets me arroused like destroying childhoods." And with that he flew home,done with this nightmare.
Or so he thought.
In the pool of lava below the black canvas bag floated to the top. A shadow cloaked figure creeped into the chamber. It had an unholy pressure that gave the room new gravity. It swept the bag from the lava. The shadow slowly opened the bag and the sound of screening filled the air.