Note:
AS=Archie Bunker; EB=Edith Bunker; MS=Mike Stivic; GS=Gloria Stivic
[shots of the Bunkers' neighborhood as theme song plays; title appears near end]
Archie: Boy, the way Glen Miller played
Edith: Songs that made the hit parade
Archie: Guys like us, we had it made
Archie/Edith: Those were the days
Edith: And you knew who you were then
Archie: Girls were girls and men were men
Archie/Edith: Mister, we could use a man like Herbert Hoover again
Archie: Didn't need no welfare state
Edith: Everybody pulled their weight
Archie/Edith: Gee, our old LaSalle ran great, those were the days!
[fade out]
[fade in: Archie, Edith, Gloria and Mike sitting around the table in the Bunkers' dining room for dinner].
AB: Hey, Meathead, why aren't you having any pot roast? We made extra for you and Gloria. If you don't have your share, I'll be forced to eat the leftovers, and I'll get obtuse. Then Dr. Sharprio will never stop buggin' me about it and he'll get Edith all worked up.
MS (confused): …obtuse?
AB: Yanno, too big around the middle.
MS: Oh, you mean obese.
AB: Can your science talk, Meathead. Go on, have some pot roast.
MS (wary): Actually, Arch', I've decided to become a vegetarian.
AB (disgusted): What! You mean, one of dem fruits who don't eat no meat?
MS (resigned to AB's attitude): Yes, Arch.
EB : Oh, I don't think it's so bad. My cousin Thelma's best friend's sister was a vegetarian. Her name was Iris! You don't hear that name much no more [AB mimes hanging himself as she prattles on]. I remember a potluck Iris had. It was all vegetarian but nobody missed the meat except for Iris's brother. He said it wasn't natural for nobody. And—
AB: That's right. [he points a fork at MS]. Listen, Meathead, God gave us this here cow, and every other animal, to eat. Well, almost every animal. You don't want to eat dem squirrels. They taste horrible. God meant us to be cardinals.
GS (mischievously): Cardinals? Do you mean the bird or the Catholic officials?
AB: Stop the smart talk, little girl. I mean, The Man Upstairs wants us to eat meat.
EB: Oh, I think you mean 'carnivore', Archie. My Aunt Iola learned that when she went to Africa many years ago. She said the guide was talkin' about how much meat the lions eat. She saw a lion kill a zebra and—
[to AB's relief, MS interrupts EB]
MS: Sorry to interrupt, Ma, but Gloria and I want to get down to that new Japanese market before it closes. They have a lot of nice vegetarian foods there.
AB (incredulous): Why would you go runnin' to buy food from dem Japs? It's un-American! Don't you know what dem Japs did in World War II, dingbat?
MS: I know about Pearl Harbor, Arch'. It was bad. But I don't think Americans had any room to after that—we just went and obliterated Hiroshima and Nagasaki with hardly a thought for the consequences.
[AB looks livid. GS hurries MS to the front door]
GS (to MS): Let it go, Mike. You know it's impossible to change Pa's mind.
AB (off-screen, sarcastic): Have fun at the Jap market, Meathead.
[fade to commercial]
A few author's notes:
The political views expressed by the characters are for entertainment only. I'm not trying to make any statement.
I got the cover image off of Google search. I am NOT claiming it as mine or making any profits from using it for my story.