A/N: I've never written an Adam fanfic, but an idea came to me and has stuck with me since. I had to write it down, so I hope this shocks and satisfies. Adamcentric with tidbits of Eclare. This is truly a terribly dark fic with lots of triggers. M for language, content, rape, suicidal ideations etc. I don't own Degrassi

"I've always struggled with my identity ever since I was a small child. Society dictated who and what I was supposed to be; that being anything else was queer, abnormal, and just plain wrong. Even my own mother, a conservative Christian, thought I was deluded and just going through a phase. Her little tomboy would blossom into a feminine creature that men fawned over. There was no need to worry about Gracie. Drew, my brother, never seemed to notice anything different, other than I was the only girl he could really talk to on a personal level.

Gracie was stuck. She was confused and scared. Gracie tried to act like other little girls, but something deeply suppressed inside her was clawing its way out to the surface. She fought it as hard as she could, because it wasn't "natural"- it was not "normal". But then, Gracie grew tired. She submitted to the fact that indeed, she was not even Gracie at all.

I buried Gracie 2 years ago, no- I burned her and her memories. She never truly existed. Out of the flames, my true self, Adam, was born, and he is here to stay.

There are still traces of Gracie within me, of course. There are some parts of her I will never, ever be able to completely rid myself of. There will always be dangers ahead of me, as Adam. But I am a fighter, a free soul, and I will not be a prisoner of my body."

I tapped my pencil a couple of times on my head. Damn it, I was just a bit short of a whole page of essay. Dawes assigned a "tell about a personal struggle" essay, and it was due the next day.

I looked over at the clock- it read 1:33am.

"Fuck it," I sighed, and I began to type what I had on paper.

My senior year at Degrassi was just starting, and already it was absolutely killing me. I hadn't applied to any universities, already failed my first calculus exam, and not to mention, I was totally single. Becky went home for the summer, and my insecurities got the best of me. Instead of being the confident man I had built myself up to be, I had let insecure Gracie back into my life, and I ruined my chances with Becks. Gracie was such a bitch like that.

My phone buzzed twice signaling a text. It was Eli.

Clare spiked a high fever and had a seizure- really worried- can't do the Dot tomorrow, sorry man

A chill came over me. At the beginning of the summer, Clare was diagnosed with Rhabdomyosarcoma. Her prognosis was excellent- the chemo was working and it looked like everything was going to be okay. Then she got sick. Really sick. It wasn't the cancer at all; it was the chemo. It had totally destroyed her immune system, and she ended up back in the hospital after she was released just two days before. Eli was completely destroyed. She had been in and out of the woods since school started.

Jesus, okay no problem, Eli. Want me to stop over later?

Yeah- come around 4:30. I'll keep you updated.

I slammed my phone down. I was so tired of bad things happening to good people. So much had gone down in the past year, it was almost too much to handle.

I finished typing my last paragraph and flopped onto my bed. I didn't even remember to turn off the lights as I drifted off to sleep.

As soon as school let out I was racing towards the hospital. Eli had texted me again during 6th period telling me that Clare had slipped into a coma.

I didn't stop by the nurses' station to flirt, which was my normal routine. I dashed down the hall to room 114 and stopped just short of the door to compose myself. I peered around the corner where I saw Helen, Eli, and Jake sitting around Clare's bedside. Eli was clutching her hand and talking softly to Jake. Helen was staring out the window.

"How is she?" I blurted out.

Eli turned to me, his eyes bloodshot and wet. Jake stood up and greeted me.

"No change, Adam. She slipped into a coma just a couple of hours ago. She has an infection that started in her kidneys- she's in total kidney failure," Jake said solemnly.

I raked my hands through my hair. "Jesus Christ."

I glanced over at Helen whose back was still turned away from me. She finally stepped away from the window and over to her daughter. Her face was drenched, but when she looked at me she smiled. "Thanks for coming, Adam. I know that Clare would really appreciate you being here for her, as always. I'm going to step outside for a bit- does anyone want any coffee or snacks?"

We all shook our heads no. I didn't think anyone would be interested in eating.

"I'll join you- I think my dad should be calling soon anyway," Jake replied.

As soon as Helen and Jake left, Eli grabbed me in an embrace.

"Adam, what if she has brain damage from the fever? What if she dies?" He choked. I could feel his tears on my shirt, his hands clutching harder and harder around my back. My heart sank.

"Eli, you know Clare. She's a fighter. She will pull through this, you've got to believe it." I whispered.

More silent sobs racked his small body, and eventually they subsided. "I know…I just love her. She's my life."

I glanced down at Clare, really seeing her for the first time. She looked dead. Her pale, shrunken body was lost in the sea of white sheets. The skin on her arms, usually peach colored with life, was translucent and paper thin as tubes and needles stuck out at peculiar angles. She had a feeding tube jammed up her nose, not interfering with the intubation tube stuck down her throat. Her EKG monitor beeped steadily; the only reassuring element of the situation.

A nurse came by to check Clare's vitals and changed her antibiotic drip. She smiled weakly at Eli and me and went on her way to deal with the other victims of cancer.

Helen and Jake were gone about an hour before they returned with Glen. Eli had crawled into bed with Clare and had fallen asleep. I quietly kissed Clare on her forehead, said goodbye to the Martin family, and left to go home.

I never noticed that my every move from the time I had stepped out of Degrassi and into the hospital had been watched from a distance. I never knew how much my life would be ripped from me as soon as I left that hospital room.

a/n: Next chapter is triggering. FYI.