A/N: This is set in the morning a few hours before Dave's release from hospital – the day after Regionals and Kurt's visit. The stories in this 'verse are posted as complete unless they are specifically marked otherwise. Please, please, please, if you want to get Alerts for updates, use the Author Alert feature. Thank you to SolariaLunar21 for looking over this (and all my other fics). Also, Sebastian might be a bit out of character here, but I think it's understandable given the situation. Please review!
Forming A Connection
Sebastian was nervous. It was completely out of character for him, but he figured he had good enough reason. Besides, it wasn't as though anyone would be able to tell.
He shifted his stance and tightened his grip on the bag he was carrying, glancing at the only other person in the elevator. She wasn't paying attention to him, busy fiddling with a note card attached to the large bouquet of flowers that were draped across her left arm. The elevator stopped and she stepped out, leaving Sebastian alone. The doors closed and he took a deep breath, dropping his head for a moment in an attempt to psych himself up. Only two floors left.
The elevator didn't stop again until it reached his floor. When the doors began to open, he straightened his back and squared his shoulders. Presenting a lot more confidence than he actually felt, Sebastian stepped out into the hallway and made his way to the nurse's station.
A friendly but harried looking woman looked up at him when he cleared his throat.
"Can I help you, dear?"
"Yes, thank you," Sebastian replied with as much charm as he could muster, "I'm here to visit my friend, David Karofsky. I don't suppose I could trouble you for his room number?"
"I see," she replied cautiously, "are you a friend from school?"
She was worried, he assumed, that Sebastian was one of Dave's bullies. Interesting. She didn't even look Dave up on the system. "Oh, no. I attend Dalton Academy."
"Dalton Academy? Are you one of the boys helping with that fundraiser?" she asked, her demeanor brightening almost immediately.
"Yes…you know about that?" Sebastian was surprised. He hadn't realized that news of their fundraising efforts would have spread beyond the competition at Regionals and the posters around Dalton and the Lima Bean.
"Oh yes! Such a lovely gesture. He's in 207, dear, just around that corner."
Sebastian thanked her and smiled, heading in the direction she'd told him. When he reached the room marked 207, he took a moment to mentally brace himself then knocked on the closed door.
"Come in."
He slipped into the room and closed the door behind him quickly, before he had an opportunity to change his mind and head back the way he had come.
Dave looked quite well, considering the circumstances. Sebastian wasn't sure what he had been expecting, exactly, but he was happy to see the other boy didn't appear depressed or, well, suicidal.
Sebastian really hated that word.
"Sebastian? Hi!" Dave seemed surprised to see him. His voice was slightly rough, which was to be expected, but Sebastian was relieved to see that there was no obvious bruising. He called me Sebastian. Was that a bad sign? He didn't seem angry – but Dave usually called him Seb. Does that mean something?
"Hey, Dave," Sebastian moved towards the bed, about to sit before thinking better of it and gesturing first, "Can I…?"
"Yeah! Yeah, of course."
Sebastian relaxed a little. Dave hadn't thrown him out – that was definitely a good thing. He sat down and placed the bag he'd been carrying onto the floor beside the bed before turning to face the other teen.
"So…" He had absolutely no idea where to begin. Sebastian had spent all morning (not to mention a large portion of the night before) trying to work out what he would say. In fact, he'd put together what he felt to be a fairly well thought out speech. Not that he could remember any of it.
Dave watched him for a moment then grinned. "I can't believe you came to visit!" He sounded happy but Sebastian felt a twinge of guilt. Did he seem so awful and uncaring that Dave genuinely didn't think he'd visit after the footballer had tried to—had tried to do something Sebastian was unwilling to think about?
"Of course I came." His voice was soft and not nearly as indignant as he'd been trying for. The smile slipped from Dave's face, leaving an abashed look in its place.
"I didn't mean it like that. It's just…I'm being released this afternoon. And I know you were busy with Regionals and everything." Dave sounded understanding but Sebastian was stung.
"You thought that I couldn't make time around a stupid show choir competition to visit my friend in hospital after he…? After you…?" He let his words drift off for a moment. "Is that really what you think?"
Maybe this had been a bad idea. Maybe he'd already fucked things up so badly that Dave thought he was actually heartless.
"I don't…I mean…I don't really know. I…you said we weren't really friends."
Sebastian felt irrationally hurt at that. How could Dave believe they weren't friends? Except that he had said that. He thought for a moment about how to reply. Part of him wanted to tell Dave that no, they weren't friends; to leave before he was any more wounded by Dave's inadvertent barbs. Another part of him wanted to apologize, to beg the older boy to forgive him for being so thoughtless with his behavior. He couldn't bring himself to do either – in fact, he was relatively sure that both options would leave Dave feeling worse than he probably already did.
"I thought you were smart enough to ignore me when I'm feeling bitchy, Bear Cub."
He watched carefully for Dave's reaction, relieved when the other boy's face brightened and his lips tilted into a genuine smile.
"So…we are friends, then?"
"I suppose so," Sebastian spoke as though he were particularly gracious for allowing such a thing, throwing in a good natured eye roll. He ignored the way his stomach flopped when Dave's smile grew into an infectious grin. "While we're on the subject, it looks like you've made a friend on the nursing staff."
"What do you mean?"
"The woman at the nurses' station. She made sure I wasn't from Thurston before she gave me your room number. Which she knew without looking on the computer."
"Oh, that must have been Heidi," Dave replied happily. "She's awesome…she sneaks me extra dessert when no one is paying attention."
"Hospital food? Ugh."
Dave laughed at Sebastian's wrinkled nose. "Yeah, it's not great, but it's still really nice of her. I think she wanted to cheer me up during my 72 hour watch."
Sebastian felt his heart plummet momentarily at the reminder of why Dave was in hospital in the first place. How could he be so calm? But he didn't want to be the one to drag down the amicable mood they had settled into, so he segued as cleanly as he could – which, admittedly, was not as smoothly as he would have liked.
"Well, speaking of hospital food…I have something that I hope you'll like better." He reached into the bag at his feet and bought out a smaller, insulated bag. At the curious look on Dave's face, he unzipped it and pulled out a plastic container. Dave looked so excited at the sight of the smuggled food that Sebastian felt excited for him. Mission accomplished. Happy that his idea had been a good one, the slender teen also pulled out some plastic cutlery.
"It's nothing special," he said as he stood and maneuvered Dave's meal tray into place, "just beef ravioli in a cream and mushroom sauce, but it's still warm and has got to be better than what they serve here."
"Seb…this is awesome. I know I'm only here until later this afternoon but skipping whatever gross thing they're going to give me for lunch today will be great! Thank you!"
"You're welcome. You better eat it before it gets cold."
"I can't even believe it's still warm!"
"Well…I didn't know if I could reheat it here so I heated it up at home and kept it in one of those," he replied, gesturing at the zippered bag he'd taken the food out of.
"That…that was really thoughtful of you, Seb. I mean…the whole thing. The food, and that you wanted to keep it warm. Just…thank you."
Dave beamed at him as he picked up his fork and Sebastian felt exceptionally proud of himself. He'd been sure he would screw up this visit, which was why he'd put it off until after Regionals. If nothing else, he'd hoped the results of the fundraiser and the fact that the Warblers had dedicated their performance to Dave would give the other boy a reason to be happy. But so far, aside from a few minor lapses everything seemed to be going well. Dave was happier than Sebastian could have hoped he would be.
He wanted to ask about that, but the idea of ruining the mood was actually, well…petrifying to Sebastian, so he curbed his curiosity and instead sat there quietly as the other boy enjoyed his pasta. Dave glanced up occasionally and they shared small smiles. Maybe...maybe this could happen. Sebastian didn't want to get ahead of himself. He pushed his thoughts aside to show Dave the rest of the things he'd brought along while the footballer finished off the last few bites of his meal and shifted the tray until it was out of the way.
"So, anyway, I brought you some other stuff as well. I mean, this is already yours," Sebastian said as he pulled Dave's cap out of the bag, "but you, uh…you left it at my place."
Dave swallowed around a mouthful of food and his eyes lit up. "Oh! I've been looking for that. I forgot…I wore it to Scandals, didn't I? I couldn't find it anywhere," he exclaimed as he reached for the hat, "and I know it sounds silly, but it's my lucky cap."
"Well," Sebastian flirted, "it obviously worked last time you wore it."
Dave rolled his eyes but it was countered by his low chuckle as he fingered the brim of the cap. Sebastian could feel a dopey grin trying to sprout on his face, but he pushed it down and cleared his throat. "Also, here."
He reached back into the bag and pulled out an oversized envelope with "Dave" on the front in crisp penmanship. He handed it to the older boy, who took it carefully and slid the contents out. On the front of the glossy card, it simply said, "People cry, not because they are weak; but because they have been strong for too long". Inside were three sheets of paper. Sebastian watched as Dave placed them aside and looked over the card. It was filled with small messages and signatures, some Dave might recognize like Hummel's, Blaine's, Lopez's and the other members of the McKinley glee club. There was Sebastian's signature, along with all the Warblers. There were also a few phone numbers with notes like, "If you ever need a friend". Handwritten in the same script from the envelope – Sebastian's own neat lettering – were three simple sentences that clearly overwhelmed Dave when he read them. "We will be here for you. We care. Be brave."
"I…this is…this is amazing…" Dave's voice broke and Sebastian was torn between feeling awful for ruining the relaxed atmosphere and feeling relieved that the meaning of the card and the support being offered was understood and appreciated by the other boy. As long as Dave knew he wasn't alone – that someone cared – perhaps he would think twice if he ever felt so lost again.
"It's…you need to know you aren't alone. The Warblers all signed it then we took it to Regionals in case the New Directions wanted to sign it too. If you ever, ever need to talk to someone, there are people willing to listen." Sebastian leaned forward and picked up the papers that had been inside the card, holding them out to Dave. The first page was a flier for the Born This Way Foundation fundraiser that the Warblers had organized.
"We raised almost $4000," he said proudly, lifting up the flier to show Dave the paper beneath it; a print out of a 'Thank You' webpage with the details of the overall donation. "I know it doesn't really help you directly, but we thought it would help other people in similar situations."
"I hope so," Dave whispered.
Sebastian released the flier and dropped his hand over Dave's, squeezing firmly. "It will."
Their eyes locked and for a moment Sebastian was tempted to move closer, to hold Dave and kiss him and promise that everything would get better until the other boy believed him. He didn't, of course, but he also didn't – couldn't – move his hand away.
A few seconds passed and something in Dave's eyes cleared. He sniffed and looked down – clearly embarrassed by how emotional he'd gotten – to see what the last sheet of paper was. It was a copy of the program that had been placed on each seat for the Regional competition. Along the top were the words, "Mid-West Regional Show Choir Championship". Directly beneath the heading was the theme, "Inspiration", followed by the name of each school that would be performing. Beneath the name Dalton Academy Warblers was a dedication, "For David Karofsky – we hope to inspire you".
Dave's lips curved upwards as he read over the words. Paper clipped beside Dalton's name was a small leaf of paper with the Warbler's set list printed on it. "'Stand' and 'Glad You Came'?"
"Well," Sebastian replied awkwardly, "'Stand' seemed really appropriate."
"You guys changed your songs right at last minute? For me?" At that, Sebastian shrugged, unsure of what he could say. Dave twisted his hand under Sebastian's until their palms lay together and their fingers were tangled. "Thank you."
Sebastian swallowed around the thick feeling in his throat. He squeezed Dave's hand once more then let go and shifted back. "It was a group effort. The Warblers…we all agreed on the songs and we all wanted to help."
"Oh?" Dave asked as he smiled softly. Sebastian could see something spark in the other boy's eyes. "So, are you saying 'Glad You Came' was suggested by one of the other guys?"
Dave was looking at him with so much indulgent amusement that Sebastian could feel himself starting to blush. He tried to cover it up with a smirk but he wasn't sure whether he succeeded.
"Well," he drawled, "I may have suggested that one. I was definitely glad you came, Bear Cub."
The older boy chuckled at that. Sebastian had never felt more accomplished in his life.
"So, anyway, I've got one more thing for you. I know flowers and teddy bears are traditional," he continued, gesturing at the flowers, balloons and stuffed toys around the hospital room, "and I didn't want to flout tradition completely, but I figured something that would make you laugh was in order."
Sebastian leaned forward, placing the last item from the bag on Dave's lap. It was a cardboard box with the words, "Bad Taste Bears" printed on the outside. He smirked as the footballer carefully examined the box, taking in the "Seven Deadly Sins" sticker and looking uncertain.
"Do I really want to open this, Seb?" Dave joked. His expression grew even more dubious when the younger boy laughed.
"Well, some people might find it a little bit…inappropriate," Sebastian snickered, "but I think it's fitting. Besides, it's something you can look at whenever you feel a bit down. I can almost guarantee it will make you feel better."
Dave still appeared to be suspicious, but he opened the box and pulled out the contents. In his hand was a set of figurines. He was looking them over and Sebastian waited until he saw the other boy's eyes widen and a blush begin to stain his cheeks. "Seb!"
The slender teen couldn't hold in his mirth at the response, especially when Dave dropped the statuettes into his lap and buried his face in his hands, clearly embarrassed but with shoulders that were shaking with amusement, indicating to Sebastian that he'd picked just right.
"They represent Envy," he stated once he'd finally managed to stop cackling, "because anyone who gives you hell is obviously either a complete idiot or envious of you. And, well, it's pretty obvious which one is you, isn't it?"
As Dave watched through the hands that were still partially covering his face, Sebastian moved the meal tray back into place and picked up each figure, positioning it on the tray so that the mini-tableau was complete.
There were three pieces; one was a white box-like shape that was obviously intended to be a set of urinals. Standing behind each one was a small statuette of a bear. One had a scrunched up green-blushing face. He had his tiny little package pointing towards the urinal in front of him, and was glaring at the bear to his left. The other bear was clearly about to pee and trying to ignore the look he was receiving, as he held out his oversized penis.
"This is…just…" Dave seemed to be caught between laughing and trying not to look completely mortified. "I don't even know if this is awesome or if it's twisted."
Sebastian smirked. "Can't it be both?"
Dave let out another low, breathy laugh. He was shaking his head good-naturedly as Sebastian started to place the figurines back in their box, completely unapologetic.
"Like I said," he continued, "some people might think they're a bit inappropriate, but I think they work. Aside from the fact that this one," he added, holding up the little bear with the big endowment, "is clearly you, I think it sends exactly the right message. It's a reminder that you are better than them, Growly, they only try to hurt you to bring you down. And it has the added bonus of making you laugh."
"I love them," Dave admitted, "even if they are completely ridiculous and will horrify my parents. They're kinda perfect. Thank you."
The younger boy smiled happily. He'd been fairly certain that Dave would find the humor in the gift, but he'd still had a few doubts. Sebastian couldn't have been more pleased that his risky choice had paid off. He closed up the box and stood, making his way to the table covered in flowers and other gifts. "I didn't want to get you something cliché," he explained, waving at the assortment of generic hospital-type gifts, "I wanted to get you something that you could look at all the time and appreciate whenever it made you smile. But if anyone asks, I got it for you because it was funny and in poor taste."
"I'll keep that in mind."
Sebastian placed the box on the table beside an arrangement of flowers. A large looping K on the small card caught his eye, "David, I'm sorry and I care – Kurt". It was absolutely not his place to feel hurt or jealous – but he did. It was irrational, he knew; Hummel and Blaine were super-glued by their hands (frankly they were far too boring to be attached at the hip) and it wasn't even as though Dave and Sebastian were in a relationship. Is Gay-Face connected to every fucking gay teen in this stupid town?
He shouldn't jump to conclusions, really. It was silly. So what if Hummel had written "I care" as though it meant something? He didn't even know if the snarky teen and Dave had any connection beyond the fact that they had once attended the same school and both liked dick. Considering he knew that Dave had only just been thrust out of the closet, Hummel might not have even known that until the news spread about what the footballer had tried to do. Just relax.
"I didn't know you and Hummel were friends." As soon as he'd said 'Hummel', Dave looked happy and Sebastian felt miserable. There was something there, obviously.
"Yeah, we are. I mean, it's new, but we are. After everything I did to him I almost can't believe it."
There was definitely a story there. Sebastian wasn't sure he wanted to know what it was but he found himself asking anyway. "What do you mean?"
Dave looked hesitant. Whatever he'd done was clearly something he felt uncomfortable sharing. The Warbler was about to tell him it didn't matter when Dave's face crumpled with guilt and sadness. Oh God. The younger boy made his way back to the bed, completely horrified. He sat on the bed again, this time closer to Dave.
"I'm sorry…it doesn't matter…I mean…you're upset so it does matter…but…whatever it is you don't have to tell me," Sebastian finished lamely. He'd been babbling, but he didn't know what else to do. There were tears in Dave's eyes and how was he supposed to deal with that?
"No…it's okay." Dave sounded so sad; his voice was thick and rough. "I had a therapy session yesterday. It was…Kurt came to visit just before it, so then I was upset and talked about it with the therapist. He said I need to accept what I did and why. And that I shouldn't be scared to talk about it because it would help me move past it. I just…I was so awful, Seb. So awful. The way I used to treat him…"
Sebastian waited as patiently as he could. He managed to wait a whole five seconds before he couldn't resist saying something. "You don't need to tell me, if you really don't want to. But I've done some pretty bad things myself – I'm not going to judge you."
Dave was silent, contemplative. Just as Sebastian was about to change the subject, the footballer started speaking. "You said that the people who want to hurt me are just jealous. That they want to bring me down." Sebastian nodded as Dave continued. "That…that was me. A year and a half ago. I hated Kurt so much. He was everything I wanted." Well, that hurt more than Sebastian had expected. "I mean…that's not…I'm not saying this right. He was," Dave took a deep breath, "what I wanted to be. Not the clothes or the singing or anything. But…he was proud. He wasn't scared of himself and he didn't hate that he wanted boys instead of girls. He wasn't terrified that his friends and family would hate him. He…he was just himself. I hated him because I couldn't be like that. I felt like he was flaunting himself. It's stupid—"
"No," Sebastian interrupted, "it's not stupid. I mean, it's sad that you felt so insecure. But, to be honest? I can see why you would think he was flaunting. He's over the top. And yeah," he allowed when Dave opened his mouth as if to argue, "he can be like that if he wants. He can wear ridiculous outfits and look like a Paris Fashion Week reject all he likes and that's his right. But…I can see why you felt the way you did when you were so down on yourself."
"You really don't like him, do you?" Dave had a sad smile on his face, but as far as Sebastian was concerned a sad smile was better than none at all.
"Not really. He's an absolute bitch. And if he didn't have his claws in so deep, I totally could have boned Blaine." He probably shouldn't have added that last part. Idiot.
Surprisingly, Dave looked quietly amused rather than offended. "Anyway," the larger boy continued, "I tormented him. For months. I bullied him really badly. And one day in the locker room, I kissed him..." Oh, perfect – a history. Once again, Sebastian was interested in someone that Kurt fucking Hummel got to first. What the fuck was so good about him anyway? But this time was worse; he didn't just want a bit of fun with Dave – he'd tried that and it left him wanting more. "…against his will."
It took Sebastian a moment to understand what Dave had said; to realize that the kiss had been the encounter than had left the older boy so distraught earlier. He had nearly been in tears over just a kiss? Dave looked upset again. Sebastian wanted to understand, he really did, but it just didn't make sense to him. From the way the footballer had been talking he'd half expected to hear that he'd put Hummel in hospital, or killed his dog, or something else particularly terrible.
"Growly, please don't take this badly. I don't want to sound insensitive right now, but I usually do, so I'm not sure how to ask you this." When Dave nodded at him, he continued, "I don't get why you feel so guilty? Okay, so you were mean to him. But that's just what people do in school. You kissed him. So? It was just a kiss."
Dave made a frustrated sound. "You don't understand."
"No, but I'd like to, if you want to explain it to me. Because right now I just think that you're tearing yourself up for nothing. Or that Hummel has bitch-guilted you so badly that you think you are the worst person in the world."
"No…it's not…it wasn't like that. It wasn't just a kiss…fuck, Sebastian, it was sexual assault!"
Sebastian was silent for a moment. "Well, yeah, I guess technically. But, still, I don't think what you did sounds as bad as you think it was."
"It was. Just…I can't…there's more to it," Dave sighed, "but even if there wasn't…kissing him when he didn't want me to just wasn't okay. But when you add in everything else…? The shoving and the slushies were bad enough, but I totally targeted him. I was at him all the time – I might as well have stalked him. And then after I kissed him, I freaked out even more because then he knew and it got…well, it got really, really bad. Even worse than it was before and by then I think he was already terrified of me. I intimidated him as often as I could…I'd stand over him, frighten him. God, Seb…I told him that if he told anyone…"
"What did you tell him, Dave?" Sebastian asked quietly. It must have been serious – Dave looked like he was once again on the verge of tears.
"I told him…I told him I'd kill him. I wouldn't…" Dave quickly added, seeing Sebastian's eyes widen, "I would never…I mean…I didn't mean it. But I threatened it, and I guess I looked serious because he believed me. He was just…I traumatized him, Seb. I'm the reason he left McKinley and went to Dalton in the first place."
"Fuck, Bear Cub." Sebastian had no idea what he could say to that.
"I know."
Clearly, Dave was torn up over what he'd done. While Sebastian didn't really think that one unwanted kiss was a big deal, when it was all put together like that it must have been pretty upsetting for Hummel. But it seemed like he'd gotten over it. Sebastian couldn't even imagine the sharp-witted diva he'd tried to battle for Blaine to be downtrodden and terrified the way Dave described. He didn't think there was anything he could say to make the larger teen feel better about his actions, but maybe he could help him see that not everyone would judge him for them. "I nearly blinded Blaine."
Dave was gaping at him. Perhaps he should have eased into what he'd done instead of just throwing it out there.
"Wait. Was that why he had to have eye surgery? That slushie thing – that was you?"
"Yeah," Sebastian admitted. "I'm not proud of it. It was meant to be a prank. I just wanted to humiliate Hummel a bit. I didn't realize it could do so much damage – I thought it would sting a little, make him look weak when he cried over a stupid slushie. I didn't think it would last more than a minute. It was stupid, and it almost cost Blaine his eye when he jumped in front of it."
"Why? I mean…why did you want to humiliate Kurt?"
The younger boy was hesitant to answer. He didn't want Dave to think less of him but maybe sharing this would help the footballer to come to grips with his own bad choices.
"I don't have nearly as understandable a reason as you did, Bear Cub. You…you were scared and lashing out. What I did? It was just because I'm a spoiled brat, and I don't like to lose."
Sebastian could tell Dave wasn't sure what he meant by that, so he continued. "I wanted Blaine. I don't even know why I was so focused on him. It's not like I wanted anything serious with him, but I wanted him, and Kurt had him. I thought it would be easy to get between them but it wasn't. Kurt kept him without even a fight. He won, and I'm not a very good loser."
"That's…I'm not going to lie, that's pretty screwed up, Seb. But…at least you didn't actually mean to really hurt anyone. I don't have that excuse."
"Intentional or not, Blaine could have been permanently blinded because I was being a brat. It's not…there's no excuse for that. And I didn't even really apologize right away, not properly. I have now, by the way. I should have before…but I was still angry."
"Did they forgive you?"
"I think so. Maybe not deep down but enough, I think, for a truce. They cheered for us at Regionals, so that was a step forward. It was more than just Blaine's eye, though. When I thought the Warblers would lose at Regionals, I decided to try and blackmail Berry into pulling out of the competition. I uh," Sebastian looked slightly embarrassed. Dave was studying him as he spoke and he couldn't help but wonder if the other boy would be disappointed in him, "I photoshopped some pretty shameful pictures of Finn Hudson naked and threatened to post them on the internet. I gave him a super small cock and put him in red heels."
"Seb!"
"I know, okay? It was stupid and childish. And all over a show choir competition. I just…everything has always seemed like a joke to me. Like I said, I don't like to lose. And, well, while we're being honest? I sort of find it funny when people are embarrassed. But," he added firmly, "I'm not going to do things like that anymore. Sometimes I forget that not everyone is thick skinned. I wish it hadn't taken something as awful to drill it into my head, but, well…all I can really do is try to improve. That's all anyone can do, Growly."
They were silent for a while. Sebastian wasn't sure whether it was comfortable or not. "Anyway, the reason I told you is because you need to realize that people do stupid shit, without thinking about the consequences. You aren't a bad person; you just acted badly because you were in pain. It's not exactly okay, but it's understandable. What I did, not so much. On the upside, I've discovered through spending time with you that it's just as funny to embarrass someone without it being malicious or hurtful," Sebastian joked, nudging the older teen, "especially if they blush." Dave laughed a little at that, so Sebastian hoped he had managed to help. "Besides, Hummel seems to have forgiven you, right? I mean, he did come to visit, and he brought you flowers. Even if they weren't as cool as my present, he didn't bring you a bomb or anything."
"Yeah, we've talked a lot. Not just now but before he came back to McKinley, too. Santana and I stuck up for him around school when he came back. Mostly I only did it because Santana was going to out me if I didn't. She really wanted to be Prom Queen and she thought she'd get more votes if she got Kurt back. I don't…it never really made sense to me," Dave explained. "But then I got voted Prom King. And instead of Santana…the school thought it would be funny to vote Kurt Prom Queen."
Sebastian tried not to laugh – he knew Dave wouldn't appreciate it – but just because he was trying not to do hurtful things didn't mean he wouldn't still be amused at Hummel's expense. He managed to hold back, though not before a tiny snicker escaped, prompting Dave to glare at him. He tried to look ashamed but he didn't think he succeeded. "Sorry."
Dave rolled his eyes. "No, you're not."
"No, not really. Not for laughing at Hummel, anyway. I am sorry that it upsets you."
"I can't imagine how completely humiliated I would have been in his place. I mean, I was upset myself because I was supposed to dance with him. I just couldn't. I left him standing there at Prom and I transferred to Thurston the next day. I couldn't stand to go back there, and I wasn't even the target."
"I'm sorry, Dave." He actually meant it this time. "So, how did you guys become friends? I can't imagine it was because you were crowned Prom Royalty together."
"Well, we bumped into each other that time you were all at Scandals. We had a conversation, I guess it was a bit of an olive branch, but we didn't actually start to become proper friends until a few weeks ago. It was…I don't know how to explain it without sounding stupid." Dave paused for a moment. Sebastian was very curious but he waited while the other boy was visibly gathering his thoughts. "After that night that you and I, you know…"
"Had mind blowing sex?" Sebastian supplied, grinning when Dave gave him a playful shove.
"After that night, I realized you were right. I do want feelings. I uh…I decided to try and be romantic. For Valentine's Day. So, I—"
"Oh, no. Growly…please, please tell me you didn't go after Hummel? Excusing the fact that it's Hummel, he and Blaine are an old married couple. A really, really monogamous and boring old married couple. I could have told you that." Dave was blushing and Sebastian felt like he was being stabbed. He wanted to leave but he couldn't. Maybe it was masochistic of him but he needed to know. And if his voice came out sharper, more sarcastic than it had been all day, that was just something he couldn't help. "Are you…do you have feelings for him?"
"I did…I mean, I thought I did. I don't know how to explain this," Dave replied. He sounded sad. A small, vindictive part of Sebastian was glad. Why should he be the only one hurting? But another part of him wanted to stop Dave from ever feeling sad again. "I thought…I tried to think about who could be right for me. I remembered how I treated Kurt, and I thought about how we'd sort of been becoming friends. I thought maybe there was more there. I…I even told him I thought I might love him." Sebastian felt sick inside at those words but he tried not to react as Dave continued. "I feel so stupid; I don't even know why I thought that way. Thinking about it now, it's like I…I just admire him for being so brave. I guess after what happened I can see some things a bit clearer. You know, about the way I treated him and the way I actually felt about him. I am really glad that he wants to be my friend, I want that too. My therapist thinks I was 'projecting'. He said I was looking for someone safe to focus on. I don't know…the way he explained it made sense. He said I was looking for someone who I knew I couldn't be with because it would hurt less than if someone just didn't want me back. Anyway, Kurt let me down gently, which was pretty nice of him considering our past, and he offered to be friends."
By the time Dave had finished speaking Sebastian was relieved that he hadn't reacted too badly. When Dave mentioned that he'd thought he loved Kurt, Sebastian almost couldn't believe how much those words had stung. He'd been fairly close to storming out of the room and finding somewhere quiet where he could lick his wounds, but if he'd done that he wouldn't have heard the rest. It sounded to the smaller teen that maybe Dave's therapist was right. And in the particularly hopeful parts of Sebastian's mind, he wondered if he might have been the reason Dave had been projecting at all. Not just because he'd hurt the other boy's feelings (he tried not to think about that, it only led to more guilt) but maybe Dave was interested in more with him. It was probably arrogant of him, Sebastian could admit, but he knew he was hot, and Dave seemed to like him well enough. Could he have feelings for me, too?
"Do you," Sebastian cleared this throat. He wanted to ask but he wasn't entirely sure he wanted an answer, "do you think your therapist was right? About you projecting, I mean?"
"Yes. I mean…I think so. I thought about it a lot after he left yesterday. When Kurt came by, he told me to imagine my life in ten years. He told me to picture myself successful, with a husband and a kid. And I did. My husband was all blurry…like, how am I supposed to know what my imaginary husband looks like, right? But the thing is…he wasn't Kurt. And if I really did have feelings for him, well, wouldn't my dream guy be him?"
"I would think so," Sebastian replied. "So…what did this dream guy look like?"
"Oh, um…no one. I mean, I don't really remember. But he wasn't Kurt." Sebastian was wondering if he was being overly optimistic in thinking that Dave looked embarrassed. If the other boy had a crush, why would he be embarrassed about it in front of Sebastian, unless…? Don't jump to conclusions…if you're wrong it will just hurt more.
"Fair enough," he allowed, not wanting to get ahead of himself. "Is that why Hummel apologized on the note? Does he think that him turning you down was the reason you…you know?"
"What note?" Dave asked, confused.
"On the flowers. His note said he was sorry."
"Oh, did it? I haven't actually read it," Dave explained. "Actually, he felt really guilty because I tried to call him. When…well…I met him at Breadstix on Valentine's Day. That's when he offered to be my friend. One of…one of the guys from Thurston High saw us there."
"Fuck," Sebastian whispered, "is that how…?"
"Yeah. I thought…Monday came and went, and nothing happened. I thought he didn't figure it out, but I guess he was planning. On Tuesday, I headed into the locker room to change for gym, and someone had spray painted…they painted fag on my locker. It's like everyone was in on it. They treated me like normal right up until I saw it. It was…" Dave's voice broke as he started to cry again. Sebastian didn't know what else he could do, so he shifted until he was close enough and wrapped his arms around the older teen. After only a minute Dave had pulled himself together enough to speak again. "I'm sorry. I know I keep breaking down, it's just—"
"Don't apologize. Just…don't. Please. You can be just upset as you need to be. You have every right to be."
Dave smiled a little, sadly but sincerely, and Sebastian's heart leapt. "Thank you."
"Don't thank me, either." He said awkwardly as Dave chuckled. He gave the footballer a quick squeeze then pulled away.
"After everyone started on me, I just couldn't stay there. I ended up going home. But…it was all over my facebook, my twitter, everything."
"I know," Sebastian said sadly, "I saw."
"I tried to call Kurt, I don't even know how many times. I don't know what I thought he could have done…but I thought maybe he would at least know how I felt. He never answered, so he feels guilty, but…it wasn't his fault. Even if he'd answered, I don't know…the way I was feeling I don't think it would have mattered."
Sebastian was angry. He didn't know whether he was angry at the bullies, angry at Kurt – which he could admit was slightly irrational – for not answering those calls, or angry at Dave for not calling him. All of those reasons, he figured. But really, he was mostly angry at himself, for not giving Dave a reason to feel like he could call him in the first place. "You…you could have called me, you know."
"Wha—what?"
"If you needed to talk to someone. You're the one who said we were friends, Bear Cub. So, why didn't you call me?" He knew he was probably being unreasonable, but he was hurt, damn it. He had feelings for the larger teen, even if he'd done everything he could to hide them.
"Would you have answered?"
"I…I don't know." He felt absolutely awful admitting that, but considering how he'd been trying not to care about Dave at the time, he couldn't say yes for certain. "I hope that I would have. Does that even make sense?"
"I think it does. To me, anyway." Dave smiled. "It wasn't…it wasn't anything against you. I mean, I didn't think to call you because all I could think about was how awful I felt, and how awful I'd made Kurt feel. And I kept wondering how he dealt with it all. I guess…I didn't really think you would have known how that felt. You're always so confident. I can't imagine you being treated badly because, well, I can't imagine you letting anything like that get to you. And I suppose I didn't really think you would understand." Dave sounded chagrined by that, like he'd changed his mind since. That made Sebastian feel less terrible, like they were making ground, but he still felt bad that he'd ever made the footballer think he wouldn't care, even if he hadn't experienced these things himself.
"Maybe what you needed was confidence, not sympathy." He watched as Dave's brow furrowed. He clearly didn't understand what Sebastian was trying to say. "I just mean that maybe instead of commiserating with someone who would just leave you feeling worse – because let's face it, you would have ended up focusing on your Hummel-related guilt – maybe you would have been better off talking to someone who was confident and could help you feel confident, too."
"I…yeah, that makes sense," Dave admitted, "but I guess it doesn't matter now, anyway."
"Bullshit, Dave. Don't you fucking say that. It does matter now, because if you ever, ever feel that way again, you better fucking call me."
"I will. I promise. But I'm okay now, mostly. I mean, not totally. But when I woke up…I was really, really glad I was alive. Yeah, so everything sucks at the moment, but…I don't want to die, not really. I think I just felt like I couldn't escape, but I don't think I could do anything like that again."
"Good. You better not." Sebastian knew he sounded angry but more than anything else he was horrified at the idea Dave might try again. He knew as he started speaking that he was on the edge of breaking down in front of Dave but that seemed somehow inconsequential. "I…I don't even know how to tell you scared I was. I didn't even know if you were alive at first. It felt like – fuck David – it felt like my fucking heart broke. I can't…I just…" He was crying. He couldn't even pretend he wasn't. "I know what I said, about how I just want fun. About how you should look for someone who wanted more. I just…but…I don't…"
Dave folded his arms around the smaller boy, lifting him effortlessly until Sebastian was curled in his lap, head against Dave's neck. He could feel the other teen's tears. "It wasn't your fault, Seb."
"No, that's not…" Sebastian made a frustrated noise and tried to calm himself, "I'm not saying this right. Fuck. I lied to you. Yeah, okay, it was only supposed to be a bit of fun, but by the time you were leaving, I just…it felt like more and I was scared. So I pushed you away, and I'm sorry, but I just…I do have feelings for you. And I really hope that you might have feelings for me too, or at least that you think you could one day, but even if you don't…it doesn't matter. Because I care about you and I want us to be friends, even if that's all it ever is."
Sebastian couldn't look up. He was terrified. He'd never put his heart on the line like that; had never cared enough to open himself up to being hurt. He knew Dave wouldn't be nasty and crush him deliberately, but…that didn't mean it wouldn't still hurt like hell if he didn't feel the same way.
"That's…Seb, are you serious?"
"What the hell kind of a question is that?" Sebastian exclaimed, instantly furious, pulling back out of Dave's arms to glare at him. "Do you think I make a habit out of having mental breakdowns and crying all over guys? Are you fucking kidding me right now?"
Dave's eyes were wide and he looked completely stunned. Perhaps Sebastian had overreacted, but couldn't the older boy see how serious he was?
"I…I didn't mean it like that. I just, well, I didn't expect you to—"
"Have feelings? Because I'm such a heartless piece of shit, right?"
"I'm sorry, I didn't mean it the way it sounded, but don't be a bitch right now, Seb, please. Let me just…I was going to say that I didn't expect you to have feelings for me. I thought," Dave took a deep breath, "that you were serious about what you said that night. But…I felt it too, you know? When my therapist said I was projecting, well, it made sense. It hurt when you said to look for someone else, but I tried to, because I do want to have a relationship, not just sex. I guess I wanted it to be with you, but I just thought that I was being stupid because you could have anyone. Why would you want me?"
Oh. Sebastian's anger slipped away as tentative ideas of where this could lead started to form in his mind.
"I have a really inappropriate desire to make a penis joke, right now, Growly," Sebastian said with a sly grin as he dried his eyes, "but I don't want you to get the wrong idea…not after all of this crap. Don't misunderstand me, your cock is fantastic. It deserves recognition, absolutely, but this…it's more than that. It really is. When I heard about what happened all I could think was that I'd lost this amazing opportunity to have something real with someone I cared about. I felt empty. Do you remember when you wanted to hold me, after we had sex?" Dave nodded as he leaned closer again until his arms were curled loosely around the Warbler. "I wanted you to. I wanted to curl up with you and fall asleep. I wanted us to spend time together. I just wanted so much from you and it scared the hell out of me. I panicked and I'm sorry. I still want those things…but only with you. It's bizarre because I have never wanted that from anyone before. I'm petrified I'm going to fuck this up."
"You won't. I mean," Dave looked uncomfortable, like he hadn't meant to speak at all, "we won't. To be honest, I don't know if I can even do this yet. I want to. I really do. But I think I need time to not be a basket case. My therapist says I need to build confidence and I think he's probably right."
"You're not a basket case. But I understand."
Sebastian felt incredibly self-conscious as Dave examined his face for a few moments before speaking again. "No…I don't think you do. I want this, Seb. I'm not brushing you off." When, exactly, had the other boy become so observant? Sebastian was surprised Dave managed to read him so easily, but he remained quiet as the footballer finished what he was saying. "I just think we need to take this slowly. Can we just…I don't know…be friends for a little while? Can we spend some time getting to know each other without Scandals or sex? If we're both serious about this – which I am – then we can take a bit of time, right?"
"You're right," Sebastian replied. Dave was looking at him dubiously, so he persisted, "no, you are. This is…we can figure it out as we go. We'll spend time together and see where we end up. Right now, you need to focus on getting better, and I need to figure out how not to tear things to pieces when I get worried. Can I just ask for one thing, before I crawl out of your lap and try to be completely platonic? Could I kiss you?"
Dave smiled at him, and Sebastian could tell it was completely genuine. "You know," the older boy said teasingly, "I'm starting to see what you mean about how someone being embarrassed can be fun."
Sebastian rolled his eyes at the joke though he couldn't help the way his stomach twisted pleasantly at Dave's tone. He could feel his face flushing, but he pushed past his embarrassment, "I know it probably sounds silly. It's not really something I would usually do…but when I heard – before I knew you were still alive – the idea that I couldn't ever do that again was just—"
Dave's mouth was warm and dry against his. Sebastian took a moment to just feel before he made any attempt to deepen the kiss. He parted his lips, probing gently and moaning when he felt Dave respond. They spent several minutes like that; kissing gently, Sebastian held in Dave's lap. Memories of a similar nature from the night they spent together washed over him; he was starting to think that this particular action may end up being a thing for them.
"That was…" Dave whispered once they had pulled apart.
"It was." Sebastian agreed. He sighed and shifted out of Dave's lap, moving back to where he'd been sitting earlier. "So," he said brightly, as though he hadn't just been surrounded by Dave's arms and melting into his mouth, "we're agreed then? We're going to just be…well, we'll be. For a while. Then maybe we'll be…more?"
"Yes."
"Perfect," Sebastian replied happily, before becoming serious again. "You have to promise me, Dave. If you ever feel like that…or even if you think that you might be on the way to feeling like that again, you need to call me. Please."
"I promise," Dave stated sincerely.
"Thank you. I don't ever want you to feel so awful again. And to be honest, I don't think I can handle news like that again, either. Do you know I found out from Jack, of all people?"
"I'm sorry." Dave looked sad until his face twisted into confusion, "Jack? I…have no idea who that even is."
"The bartender at Scandals."
The younger teen found that it was entertaining – and somehow, cute – to see Dave looking even more confused. "The barten—wait…do you mean Luke?"
"Possibly," Sebastian replied with a nonchalant shrug.
"The guy who always tends on Saturdays?"
"Yep, that's him."
"His name is Luke," Dave stated, shaking his head in amusement.
"Yeah, you mentioned that. But I'm just going to go ahead and call him Jack."
"I...you can't just…Seb, seriously? Why?"
"Because Luke is a boring name, and Jack Daniels tastes good. But I'll tell you what, Growly, if the alcohol gods ever release a decent spirit with the name Luke on the bottle, I'll reevaluate."
At that, Dave laughed, actually laughed, strongly and loudly. There were no traces of sadness, he wasn't holding back. He was just genuinely amused and Sebastian had been the one to make him feel that way.
Maybe he wouldn't fuck everything up, after all.