Lost As They Come

Morgan Ray

"O time, thou must untangle this, not I.
It is too hard a knot for me t'untie."

-Shakespeare "Twelfth Night" -

Overtime

5:32

It's thirty-two minutes and fifteen seconds exactly after the beginning of the winter break. Surrounded by piles of books and perfectly tabbed and organized folders, Caroline hadn't realized the day had already slipped away. She stares dumbly at the clock above her desk; she shut the door earlier to avoid hearing the last minute finish-the-booze parties down the hall. She also wasn't surprised that no one had invited her to the festivities.

I'm not very festive, am I? Caroline thinks ruefully; she looks down at the page she was finishing. There are three more chapters she wants to read – and part of an article to write for the school paper – all in preparation for next semester. Cloistered in her single dorm room barely bigger than a proper closet, she finds it easier to work. Unlike the library, there are no windows here to distract her and make her daydream about running away from the desk where she usually feels confined. In her room, no one can interrupt her every couple of minutes to have a chat.

She left Mystic Falls – gone far away from it all. Up here surrounded by all the Ivy – and the infamous New England cold – she thought there would be so many distractions. And usually, there are. She dated a bit and forced herself to go out, but her heart wasn't in it. Even though there were no witches, no werewolves, and no hybrids. Her new town wasn't infested with vampires – just her. The only time she talked to a vampire was on the phone – when she called Elena, who was taking classes online until Jeremy finished school.

She can't deny that there's some kind of thrill in having a secret identity – in being two different people. A day walker and a night walker, the Southern belle and the Ivy League scholar – one and the same. But it's not the thrill that she craves, but the one last grasp at the life that was, the life that is no longer hers to have. She remembers growing up in Mystic Falls and being so proud of her mom. Even through the worst of times. Sure, adolescence changed all that, on the surface, but she still imagined her life in Mystic Falls for the long haul. She realizes now that Mystic Falls and the whole of the span of her life up until now is just a blip – a tiny, but not insignificant dot on the timeline that is to be her very long life.

Better finish working. Caroline pulls out one more book. As she begins to read, she knows it hasn't always been this way. She pushes the days where she had been the spunky life of the town – the go to cheer captain - out of her mind. No one thinks of her that way anymore. She's a serious woman now, a new person for a new town where no one knows her or her family – or her secret.

And isn't it for the best? I should have grown up a long time ago, Caroline scolds herself, highlighting a big chunk of text. She opens her lap top and types up a separate set of notes for test review later. Had she taken notes on the pervious chapter? Yes, she had, but she didn't think some of the notes were particularly in-depth. However, they were more than the one sentence she typed up for her newspaper article. She started out as the advice columnist, but she's trying to give that up.

It was funny when I first thought of being 'Dear Lucy' – the vampire lady, turned by my very own Dracula, Katherine Pierce. But I don't want to answer another question about dating or reconnecting with loved ones. I can't even do that for myself.

But her column was popular, becoming one of the hottest reads in the paper. But maybe it's better this way, Caroline reasons as she opened another 'Dear Lucy' email before skimming through it and putting it in the delete bin. I was always too eager to be in the action and get killed. Maybe this is where I'm supposed to be – away from it all.

And then, she opens the email.

Dear Lucy,

A few months ago I started seeing a kind, wonderful man who I fell hard for, quickly. We had a wonderful time together and he was very involved in planning dates, initiating physical affection, starting conversations, etc. After about a month, before we'd had sex, he told me he was not ready for a relationship (although he was the one who asked me out) because he realized he was not as recovered from his previous lover as he thought. I don't know the full details (I figured I had plenty of time to get them as we got to know each other better).

I understand and accept that explanation. I thanked him for being honest, told him I'd enjoyed our time together, and have not contacted him since. That was literally all I said. I started seeing other people; however, I haven't been able to forget him and that over-the-moon feeling I had when we spent time together. I've been in long and short relationships, a few of them fantastic, but I have never felt that way about anyone, and I can't stop thinking about him. I haven't been able to go on more than a couple dates with anyone I've met since, although they've all been interesting, interested, and treated me amazingly.

I feel like I may have made a mistake in not letting him know how I feel or letting him know that I have no intention of pressuring him into a serious relationship, I just want to spend more time with him and have fun together. I've always believed that if someone likes you, they will make it happen, but I also know that this situation is a little more complicated. At this point, I have little to no expectation that he will want to get back with me, but I've been longing to contact him just so that I can say I did try for something I badly want. My heart can't quite accept that something so promising can go away just like that, and I don't want to always regret never giving it a shot. Will I feel better if I say something, and at least have closure, or will I be embarrassing myself and destroying my pride? If not, how do I move on from the knowledge that I may have met the right one at the wrong time?

Pining

Caroline groans, but she can't delete this one. It calls to her across the vastness of the internet. The answer for 'right person, wrong time' – she wishes she had the answer. She starts to type.

Just call him already …

But you already let go, and you can't go back in time. It's a break up, it's the end of the line for you. It doesn't matter how sweet he was or how right it felt, sometimes it's not meant to be.

Just call him already…

Why can't I take my own advice? Caroline wonders. I've tried to let go, I've tried so hard, but it's like trying to stop a flood by leaning against a levy. It's always going to break. I'm always going to break.

She remembers the hot air so thick it felt like breathing under water. She sat on her porch, chin propped on her knees, watching the bumblebees orbiting the white wisteria blossoms. The magnolia flowers lay scattered on her lawn, brown and decaying. It's the jungle green view from her front porch she misses the most. Even after becoming a vampire, it was the most normal thing in her life. The plants bloomed, the trees grew, and nature never failed, even if it personally abandoned her.

And that day, Tyler walked through the fence gate with his sports bag slung over his shoulder. She smiled wide as the world until her face felt like it might split open. But her grin faltered when he didn't return it in kind. "What's wrong?" Caroline asked.

"I'm just feeling a little tired – Mystic Falls is a long way from the Canadian Yukon," Tyler said, but he sat down beside her. He plopped his bag at his feet, and she leaned close and put her head on his shoulder. She waited for him to put his arm around her, but it never happened.

After a moment, she pulled away and looked into Tyler's dark eyes. "What's wrong? Aren't you happy to see me? I finally did it – Klaus relented, you're home!"

Tyler gave her a tight smile. "Caroline, I don't have much of a home here. I gave it to Matt, remember?"

"But you can un-give it to him, right? I mean, he'd totally let you live there." She squeezed his shoulder. Oh, he was still ripped, and he even had a bit of stubble now. The mountain man look really worked for him – and it was working for her. "Come on, let's go inside."

She stroked his bicep, but Tyler pulled away. "What I mean is that I'm just back to pick up a few more things from the house – get a bit more cash. I found a few werewolves living in Canada. They're far away this mess with vampires and hybrids. It's safe there, they're still under the radar."

"That's good - what city are they near?" she asked.

Tyler laughed and shook his head. A shadow passed over his face, and he ran a hand through his longer hair. "I don't think you get it. They're still wolves, they still turn. They live next to a national forest – it's very remote. I have to drive half an hour for phone reception."

Caroline winced. "Oh, that's … that must be scenic. Did they teach you how to chop wood? Make maple syrup?" Tyler shook his head, but grinned when she stroked his stubble. "I like it – very sexy and backwoods."

"That's what I wanted to talk to you about," Tyler said. "I want to go back."

"You … you don't want to finish high school?" Caroline asked. But when she met his eyes, she knew.

"That life's over for me." Caroline propped her head on her knees and looked up at him.

What she said to Tyler was, "That's great! I want to go away, too."

He shook his head and told her, "There's nothing for you up there. It's all tundra, and a bit boring, if I'm honest. We play a lot of video games – and I running. They're teaching me how to shoot, trap, and recognize all these plant species. There's real wolves up there, and they seem to like hanging around our land."

"You really got the call of the wild," she said softly. And she leaned up and kissed him, but it was chaste – nothing like their previous kisses. But when she pressed him, she squeezed more life from her big, hunky wolf. And he pulled her close, wrapping her in his arms, which felt like twin castles keeping her safe.

She blinked back tears, feeling like she'd never seen him before – and like she'd never see him again. Well, at least one of those things was true. That was the last time she'd seen Tyler. That was also the day she sent in her acceptance letter to her choice college. She was just going to the University of Virginia – she got a scholarship, after all, and it was close to home.

But now she didn't want close to home. Mystic Falls wasn't her home any more.

Klaus wanted more for me, she recalls his eagerness to take her to Paris and Tokyo, sky-diving and mountain climbing – all the excitement and culture one woman could ever want. In the end, she rejected many of the things he offered her. She didn't want to volunteer to go anywhere or do anything special. Not with him. She wanted it on her own – to be her own neurotic control freak.

It's not for me, were the only words she had. She deletes the sentence she typed into the computer. But she glances up at her bulletin board. A one-way ticket to New Orleans is pinned beside the graduation picture of her, Elena, and Bonnie. God, those gowns look horrible, she thinks, and it distracts her from reaching up and grabbing the little slip of paper.

The day she packed the car, Klaus stopped by. She didn't want him there, saying good bye like one of her real friends. Not that she felt she had many non-vampire friends any more. They'd gone from their very own Scooby Gang to the Undead Club in just a few short years.

As she turned to leave, he told her, 'You are only as broken as you think you are.'

Caroline checks the box for the entire page of emails and deletes them. She doesn't want to deal with their preschool level problems. These people who write her – who do they think they are? But she knows that's not fair. They're only human, and human problems are all anyone should have to deal with. 'You are only as broken as you think you are,' she repeats the words to herself and sighs audibly. Well, then, I'm very broken. I can't even adjust my facial features any more. That's probably why I haven't been given any other assignments. I'm useless. I'm obsessed with problems – other people's problems because I can't deal with mine.

Later in the day, after Tyler left, she sat in the house with the letter in her lap. She fingered the seal and touched the textured paper as if feeling it might simply impart its contents into her mind. When that failed, she decided she might as well lick it shut. As she was about to close the flap, Caroline stopped herself. This was it, the final decision. She put it off, telling herself she would be happy near Mystic Falls, near her home. But the truth was, this placed only caused her problems, so she sealed the letter and walked out to her mail box.

I wanted to send that damned letter for weeks' Caroline thinks as she refocuses on her computer screen. However, the emails hold little interest for her. This is all a fraud, Caroline thinks bitterly as she flips through more textbook pages, trying to focus on her work instead. I can't even write what I really think, what I really feel. It's bad advice – I know what I should do, and I did it. But it was like cutting my heart out.

She gazes unseeingly down at the screen. She stares past all the problems – hers and Dear Lucy's. But she can't forget her last days in Mystic Falls. They haunt her, invading her sleep and her dreams. The last time she slept with Tyler – the day he came home. They took the action from her porch to her bedroom. He touched her all over, in every place that every cell feel alive. She never understood the phrase 'making love' until she had sex with Tyler. Without anything holding them together, they kindled it from pure, physical joy. They were both so strong, and they rode each other in turn.

In the end, she curled up like a kitten in his big, strong arms. The sun sunk outside the window, causing the furniture to cast early twilight shadows across her room. They'd been at it all day. "God, I missed that," Tyler murmured and kissed her ear, and she nibbled on his neck.

"So you don't have a sexy werewolf mistress?" she asked. He chuckled, and she felt his laugh ripple through her body.

"Nah. There are two chicks, but they're into each other." It was her turn to laugh. "I was hoping they'd want a little D – okay a big D – in their life, too. But the one just loves the ladies."

Caroline sighed, hiding her frown by pressing her head against Tyler's body. She was jealous, but much less so after the love making. When he said he wouldn't stay, she knew it would come to this. It would always come to this. "You could always stay," Caroline whispered.

Tyler stroked her hair. "I said my good-byes to this place. I want to go, okay?"

"I could always come with you," she said, but it was a half-hearted mumble – the plea of a little girl afraid to lose her first love, afraid of what that would mean. Tyler Lockwood was from an old family, and she was a good Southern belle, and that's what good Southern girls did – marry their good ole boy high school sweet heart. But she was a vampire, and he was a werewolf – there were no rulebooks for them.

"Car, you'd hate it there. I don't think you've been camping, let alone lived off the grid," Tyler said. "There's no parties, no malls. You couldn't get your monthly pedicure."

She snorted. "I could live without it."

But he was right. She wanted something else, but for an afternoon, she pretended she wanted him again. It was easy, when they were together, for them to feel like it was their first time together. And sleeping with an equal – someone she couldn't hurt, who didn't mind a bit of a drink during sex – that was a relief. She didn't know if she'd ever find anyone else who'd share that kind of love with her. They had the kind of spine tingling passion she craved even before she knew she wanted it. But it wasn't love – maybe love of a type. It was lust – lust disguised as love, love disguised as sex.

And I couldn't pretend it was enough. I couldn't go with him, giving all of this up. Whatever this is – success? A chance to make it as a journalist? She blinks – it's so hard for vampires to remember they should blink – and stares down at her desk.

Because I didn't want to admit to what I was feeling, Caroline thinks, but I wasn't the only one. Tyler felt it, too. We came together – we were equals, going through the same thing. But we both decided, separately, maybe at the same time, that it wasn't enough. Love, what we had, wasn't enough. He was a good guy, but we were running in separate directions. I needed this, he needed that.

Caroline shuts her laptop and looks at the clock again.

6:47

I should go, she tells herself, and she stands and puts on her thick, wool coat. The drab, gray pea coat folds over Caroline's thin shoulders like a cloud, and she tucks her bouncy, blonde ponytail into the collar. She stows her phone, wallet, and keys in her pocket after flicking off the lights. With one glance back at her one way New Orleans ticket, Caroline walks through the hallway, ignoring the posters on the wall announcing last weekend parties and the calls of her dorm mates to get wasted.

No doubt they're all go home with their families, Caroline thinks bitterly. Christmas with my mom. Her mouth tugs down into a frown as she walks towards the elevator. Caroline can't be more disgusted by going back to Mystic Falls. She doesn't want to hang out at the Grill or get drunk at Tyler's house. But she doesn't want to be home, either, for another Christmas without her dad. He didn't died that long ago, but it feels like ages to her. Even one day with her dad being dead is a day too long. And being at school – surrounded by people who went home on holidays to a supernatural free world – Caroline feels jealousy sink claws into her gut.

Do I hate my mum? Caroline asks herself again. No, that's not right, she realizes as she walks down the stairwell, painted mildew green, and out into the chill night. The cold doesn't bother her – she could run around naked and she'd be fine. But she plays the part, looking satisfyingly like a human co-ed.

I said I would go home, Caroline thinks as she looks down at her feet. She tries to conjure pictures of her mother in her mind, but none of them reassure her.

Her mom didn't want her to leave. They decided she would go close to home – her mom was so proud of her full scholarship to the University of Virginia. But the day she sent the letter, she knew it would change. She was sitting on the coach, her hands folded in her lap that day. Tyler left, went to his house – and he didn't even say good-bye. She was hurt, but she couldn't say she was really surprised. So she found her other acceptance letter, the one to her dream school, and read it again.

And then, read it again. And she cried. And then, she signed it.

When her mom came home, she'd already sent it, but her eyes were still puffy. She was just glad it wasn't gross – she didn't have to cry blood or anything. "Caroline, are you okay?" her mom asked. "Sweetie, you look like you've been crying?"

"We need to talk," she said. Her mom came over and sat on the couch beside her.

"What is it?"

Caroline cleared her throat and frantically brushed her hair behind her ears. "I sent in the letter. Not the U. Virginia one. The other one."

Her mom sighed and squeezed Caroline's shoulder. "Caroline, I don't have the money for that. We talked about this."

"We talked about Virginia," her mom said, running a hand through her short hair. "I thought we decided staying a bit closer would be better for you – allow you to see your friends."

Caroline bit her lip and shook her head. She wanted something else in her life besides the supernatural – it hadn't worked out for her too well. She wanted to be something more than vampire Barbie. "That's okay, mom, I'll take out loans, get a job – I really want to go." She licked her lips. "I need to go."

I needed to leave that place behind. I haven't been back in a semester, but I don't think Mystic Falls have changed in a century, let alone six months. Caroline shakes her head and checks her wallet, making sure she has her fake ID. She doesn't want a party, but maybe a drink would be nice. Not that she really needs the fake – she already compelled the bartender to always give her whatever drinks she asks for.

She pushes the red door open and ascends several stairs into the bar, which is permanently stained with smoke. I'm just glad I don't have asthma. I'd never go out. It's a Tuesday night, and the place is dead except for a dozen students and a few local regulars. Caroline waves down the bar tender and orders a vodka tonic.

With the alcohol came some of the relief from the tension during the day. Looking around at the empty pub, Caroline feels awkward sitting at the empty bar. I guess I'm the only sad, brave sap that's out tonight, Caroline thinks dimly as she stares down into the grimy glass before she takes another drink.

"Blizzard outside!" Caroline jumps when a familiar someone speaks beside her. She blinks at the young man that slides down onto the stool beside her. "I see you're the only one brave enough to be out, huh?" Stephan teases. "Two whiskey sours, please."

"Good choice," Caroline says as she takes the new drink. "You can never go wrong with a whiskey sour."

She sighs as the edges of the world seem smoothed out - not as jagged and harsh. She eyes up Stephan, still bundled up in a ridiculous fur coat right out of a thrift shop. She asks, "So, stranger, what brings you up North?"