Inspired by "Sine Qua Non" where we heard Lee's full name for the first time.
Apologies to Johnny Cash and Shel Silverstein, though those two might not have minded all that much. Thanks to RDM for giving me permission to poke fun at his characters. I own nothing.
Well my daddy left home when I was three and he didn't leave much to Ma and Zak and me, just this old viper and an empty bottle of booze.
Now I don't blame him 'cuz he run and hid but the meanest thing that he ever did, was before he left he went and named me Leland.
Well he must have thought that it was quite a joke and it got a lotta of laughs from a lots of folks, so it's made my life something more than bland. Some gal would giggle and I'd get red and some guy'd laugh and I'd bust his head. I'll tell ya, life ain't easy for a boy named Leland.
Well I grew up quick and I grew up mean. My fists got hard and my wits got keen, ate to excess to hide my shame. But I made me a vow to the moons and stars, I'd search the battlestars and bars and kill that man that give me that awful name.
Well it was Galactica in mid July, and I'd just hit the deck and my throat was dry; I thought I'd stop and get a drink in hand. At Joe's bar, there at a table dealing Stud, sat the dirty mangy dog that named me Leland.
Well I knew that snake was my own sweet dad from a worn out picture that my mother'd had, and I knew those scars on his cheeks and his lazy eye. He was big and bent and grey and old and I looked at him and my blood ran cold, and I said,
"My name is Leland! How do you do? Now you gonna die!"
Yeah, that's what I told him.
Well I hit hard right between the eyes, and he went down but to my surprise he come up with a knife and cut off a piece of my ear. But I busted a chair right across his teeth and we crashed through the wall and into the corridor; kicking and a gouging in the boxes and the blood and the beer.
I tell you I've fought tougher men, but I really can't remember when; he kicked like a mule and bit like a crocodile. I heard him laugh and then I heard him cuss, and he went for his gun and I pulled mine first. He stood there looking at me and I saw him smile and he said,
"Son, this world is rough and if a man's gonna make it he's gotta be tough and I know I wouldn't be there to help you along. So I give you that name and I said goodbye, I knew you'd have to get tough or die and it's that name that helped to make you strong."
Yeah.
He said, "Now you've just fought one hell of a fight, and I know you hate me and you got the right, to kill me now and I see how that's what you've planned. But you ought to think thank me before I die for the gravel in your guts and the spit in your eye, 'cuz I'm the son of a bitch that named you Leland."
Yeah, well what could I do? What could I do?
I got all choked up and I threw down my gun and I called him my pa and he called me his son, and I know now the right man is in command. And I think about him now and then every time I try and every time I win. And if I ever have a son I think I'm gonna name him, Bill or Tom, any damn thing but Leland! I still hate that name!