Still staring out that wall like it's a window
And hold your sides like your insides might let go
Restless - Tanya Donelly
Santana lay on her bed and stared at her phone. She unlocked the screen again, willing there to be a new notification but, as had been the case for the last two hours, there was nothing. Huffing in frustration she slammed the phone down onto the bed and settled her hands on her stomach. She began drumming a pattern out onto it and hummed along, not entirely sure what song she was attempting, not really caring as it was giving her mind something to do. After a few minutes she tired of that as well and sat up with a sigh.
She glanced idly around the room, taking in piles of clothes, books and magazines, briefly entertaining the idea of tidying them up before dismissing the foolish notion with a snort of derision. She hopped off the bed and padded barefoot out into the kitchen.
Once there she realised she had no idea what she had come out here for but decided to have a look through the fridge anyway. She stared at it's contents for a good few minutes before deciding she definitely wasn't hungry, and now she was cold. She was just thinking that perhaps standing in front of a fridge in just her bra and a pair of boy shorts wasn't the greatest idea when the loft door slid open.
"Santana!" Rachel shrieked in alarm. "Must you always parade around the apartment in such a state of undress? What if I had brought someone home?"
"Please, Berry, like you ever bring anyone home," She scoffed, turning to face her roommate with her hands on her hips. "And as if they wouldn't enjoy the view?"
Rachel's face coloured slightly as her gaze dropped to her chest. Admittedly her bra was a little see through, and the cold from the fridge had made her a little perky, but Santana was not expecting the girl's gaze to linger quite so long.
"Maybe they wouldn't be the only one enjoying the view, huh?" She quirked her eyebrow suggestively.
Rachel snapped her eyes back up in annoyance and stomped off to her room, her face now bright red. Santana smirked and followed her, chuckling slightly as the curtain was drawn in her face.
"Come on, Rach, don't be that way," She whined, pulling the curtain back just in time to see Rachel throw herself face down on the bed. "I'm bored. Play with me?"
"Please, Santana," Rachel moaned into her pillow. "I have had a very long and stressful day and I just want to lie down."
"Well that's okay," Santana drawled, leaning against the wall and folding her arms over her stomach. "I know lots of games we could play lying down."
"Santana!" She squeaked, sitting up with an affronted look on her face. "Must you be so…?"
"What?"
"God, nothing. Never mind." Rachel flopped down on her back with an arm over her eyes.
Frowning slightly, both at the ridiculously dramatic gesture, and with actual concern for her friend, Santana took a step further into the room.
"What's up, Tink? Something happen?"
"No. Yes." She sighed and dropped her hand to her side. "Maybe. I don't know."
"Well do you, ah, want to talk about it?"
Rachel looked up at her in surprise. "With you?"
Santana rolled her eyes and sat down on the bed. "Well, duh. Unless you got Hummel hiding under your bed, of course with me."
"Really?"
"Come on, Berry." Santana huffed, already regretting her decision. "It's not that weird."
"Well actually, it kind of is." Rachel said uncertainly. "Santana Lopez voluntarily giving me free reign to talk, at length, about my problems, and not a hint of sarcasm in sight...I would say this definitely counts as 'that weird'."
"You're right." She growled, standing up and walking towards the door. "Forget I said anything."
"No, wait, please!" The shorter girl called after her. "I'm sorry, it was lovely of you to offer and I'm sorry I made it...weird. Please come back?"
Santana stopped in the middle of the room and sighed before turning back to face her.
"But, ah," Rachel dropped her eyes down to the floor. "Please could you put some clothes on first? It's a little, um…"
"Distracting?"
"Yes. No!" Rachel's face flamed up again. "It's just you...I...I would just feel more comfortable if…"
"Alright, Berry, don't get your panties in a wet bunch, I'll throw something on." Santana smirked as she wandered back to her room to a string of admonishments. She plucked a black tank top from the pile and pulled it over her head before grabbing a pair of shorts off the bed. She went to put them on then thought better of it. There was no fun in making Rachel too comfortable, was there?
She sauntered back into the other girl's room, raising her arms above her head and doing a twirl.
"Better?" She asked, turning back to the bed just in time to spot Rachel's gaze lingering on her ass.
"Er, yes. Thank you." Rachel muttered, pulling a pillow into her lap.
"Okay then." She smirked, throwing herself onto the bed next to her and propping herself up with one arm. "Spill."
"It's stupid, really." Rachel murmured. "I just had this audition today and, well, I think that, er, well...I don't think that I was…"
"What?" Santana asked, fingers skimming idly across her stomach.
"Well, the role requires certain...things that I don't have much experience of and I'm just not sure I was...convincing enough."
"Okay." She frowned, not really sure where this was going. "Well, did they tell you no?"
"No." Rachel shook her head. "In fact they want to see me again, and I have to read with...someone else, but I…"
"Well, shit, Rach, that's good, right?" Santana reached out and rubbed the other girl's knee. "You can't have been that bad if they want to see you again?"
"Well no, but this next one is going to be more...interactive and I've never, um, well, the part is, it's, ah…" She stared at Santana's hand distractedly and tailed off.
"What?" She asked after what seemed like an hour, throwing her hand up in exasperation and plonking it back down on her stomach. "A murderer? A drug addict? A psychotic cheerleading coach? Come on, Rach, you're an amazing actor. Whatever it is, just act like it! You'll be great, I know you will."
Rachel looked up at her and smiled sweetly, her cheeks tinged pink. "You're right, thank you." She flopped back down on the bed with a relieved sigh.
"You're welcome. " Santana smiled over at her, her fingers resuming their idle pattern on her stomach. "See? Not weird at all."
"No, not weird at all." She laughed in reply.
"So what's the part?"
The laughter stopped and Santana could feel her roommate tense from a foot away.
"Oh. It's not really...it doesn't matter."
"Jesus, Rach," She chuckled. "Seriously, what's the part? Something really freaky?"
"No, not freaky."
"Well what then?"
"Lesbian."
Santana's fingers stopped in their tracks. "Oh." She shot a sly look over at her prone friend. It was a strange angle. She could sort of see up her nose. Not the best view to gauge what was going on in her head. It did look a tiny bit like she had stopped breathing.
"So," She said slowly. "Now it's a bit weird."
"A little bit weird, yes." Rachel agreed quietly.
"And, er, this interaction...you have to kiss someone, yes?"
"Yes."
"A female someone, yes?"
"Yes."
"And you've never…?"
"No."
"Oh." So. This evening had turned out less boring than she had originally thought. Santana lay there for a few moments in quiet contemplation. Should she suggest it? Was that what Rachel was hoping for? Was that what she was hoping for? She couldn't deny that she had thought about it, but Rachel was her friend. Her straight friend. Who had been checking her out all night. Wait, was that research? Santana didn't know whether to feel impressed or violated.
"Well," She said, clearing her throat. "It's not much different from kissing a guy. Well, I mean it's totally different, but the mechanics are the same. And I guess stage kissing is different anyway."
"Yes, I suppose you're right."
"Wait, you said you don't have much experience?"
"What?" Rachel lifted her head slightly to look over at her.
"Before, you said the role requires certain things you don't have much experience of. Whereas now you're saying you don't have any?"
"No, I said I never kissed a girl."
"Which is…" Santana could practically hear the penny drop in her mind. Well, holy shit. "Wait, are you saying you've had a big lesbo crush?" She sat up. "On who? Wait, let me guess. Oh my God, was it Quinn? I bet it was Quinn!"
"Santana!" Rachel cried, throwing the pillow at her.
"It was, wasn't it?" She laughed and scooted up the bed, poking the other girl in the side as she went, causing her to squeal in irritation.
"Santana Lopez!" Rachel yelled, sitting up and swatting her hand away as she attempted to tickle her again. "You are being incredibly juvenile."
"Come on, admit it! You were gay for Fabray!" Santana laughed, attempting to evade her hands as she flinched away with every strike.
"I did not have a crush on Quinn Fabray!" She growled as she succeeded in catching Santana's hands and pushing her back onto the bed.
"Then who?" She laughed again, slightly taken aback at the shorter girl's strength as she found herself pinned down.
"You, you idiot." Rachel said from above her before dropping her eyes in embarrassment and moving away.
Santana's stomach did a little flip at the words and her laugh died in her throat.
"What?"
"Stop trying to tickle me, I hate being tickled." Rachel muttered, straightening her top and shuffling further away.
"Hey," Santana said softly, sitting up and putting her hand gently on the other girl's shoulder. "Why didn't you say anything?"
"Don't be ridiculous," She scoffed, shrugging her hand off. "It was obvious you didn't like me like that, in fact it was obvious that you didn't like me at all."
"Rachel…" Santana felt shame welling up inside her.
"It doesn't matter. Just forget about it. I did." She stood up and smoothed down her skirt. "I'm hungry. Are you hungry?" She barely glanced back before heading out quickly to the kitchen.
Santana felt awful. She didn't know what to do. Rachel Berry had a crush on her in high school? How had she not known about it? She had seen Rachel Berry with a crush in high school, several times, and it was scary. It was certainly not secret. The way she had behaved around Finn, Jesse, even Mr Schue...but around her? And she had been such a bitch to her.
She sighed and followed Rachel into the kitchen. She had her head in the fridge and was rummaging around noisily.
"Rach, I'm sorry. I didn't know."
"I told you, it doesn't matter."
"Of course it matters!" Santana threw her hands up. "If I'd have known I wouldn't have…"
"What?" Rachel slammed various vegetables down on the counter with her back to her. "Slushied me? Called me awful names? Slept with the one person who actually did like me?"
"Rach…"
"Or maybe you're right," She turned to face her, angry tears starting down her face. "Maybe I should have just told you. Maybe I should have just said 'Hey, Santana. Here's an idea, please don't call me Hobbit, or Manhands, or Treasure Trail, or throw drinks in my face cos every time you do it feels like my heart is breaking.' And maybe you would have stopped. Or maybe you would have laughed in my face and told the whole damn school that Rachel Gayberry had a big lesbian crush on you. Which do you think is the most likely option, Santana? Really?"
"Rachel…" Santana took a step towards her, guilt burning her face.
"Don't." She said quietly, swiping uselessly at her face before shoving the food back in the fridge. "I'm not hungry after all. I'm going to bed."
Santana caught her hand as she walked past.
"Please don't." Rachel said softly, leaning away but not moving. "Just let me go."
Santana pulled gently on her arm and reached out to wipe the tears off her face with her other hand. She pressed a soft kiss against one eyelid, then the other, and slowly lifted Rachel's chin up so that she could kiss her lips. Rachel said nothing and kept her eyes closed, silent tears still rolling down her face, but her hand twitched slightly in Santana's and some of the tension dropped out of her shoulders, giving Santana the courage to try again. This time she kissed her a little more insistently and felt the shorter girls face tilt up to meet her own. She brought her other hand up to grip the back of her neck and was rewarded by Rachel's lips parting and her hands rising up to claim Santana's waist.
The kiss intensified quickly and all coherent thought left her mind, everything in her just rushing towards Rachel, wanting to touch and kiss and claim every part of her. She felt her emotions pool in the pit of her stomach, then melt down below and shoot back up to her brain. She moaned into Rachel's mouth as her fingers threaded through her hair. Rachel's hair. Rachel's mouth. Rachel's hands on her ass and scratching up her back, Rachel's body pressed up so tightly against hers they felt molded together.
Fuck, what was she doing? Her eyes snapped open in panic, her heart beating faster than she had ever known. She pulled away as gently as possible and rested against the shorter girl's forehead. She needed a moment to think and catch her breath. It was obvious that she had hurt Rachel more deeply in high school than she could ever have possibly imagined and she felt terrible about it, there was no way she could let that happen again. She needed to be sure.
Santana opened her eyes again to see beautiful, wide, chocolate brown ones staring up at her, tears and hurt still evident in them, but something more now. Trust? Hope? Her stomach flipped again, but her heart clenched along with it and she struggled to understand what she was feeling.
As if sensing something was wrong Rachel dropped her hands and went to walk away, setting Santana into a new panic which had her reaching out for her hand again.
"Where are you going?" She managed to croak out.
Rachel turned back with a confused look. "To bed? I told you."
"But...don't you want to talk about this?"
"I told you, it doesn't matter." She said with a sad shake of her head. She pulled her hand away and walked back into her room, leaving Santana standing in the middle of the living room in confusion.
What the fuck was going on here? How was she suddenly the one that wanted to talk about things and Rachel the one pushing it all away? Had she actually fallen asleep earlier and this was all some sort of fucked up dream? Judging by the increasingly uncomfortable wetness in her underwear, and the fact that she had just been indulging in an extremely intense make out session with Rachel Berry, it was a strong possibility but she hoped not. God, did she hope not. And now Rachel was walking away. Nuh-uh. Not going to happen. All at once her confusion cleared and she stormed over to Rachel's room.
Santana wanted this, she really did. Suddenly she realised that she had always wanted this, that her actions towards Rachel in high school had been born partly by her intense denial and frustration about who she really was, and partly because of the well buried realisation that Rachel was someone who brought it out of her. She realised now that she had always been aware that Rachel was attracted to her, and that she had been attracted right back.
"Hey!" She practically shouted as she pulled Rachel's curtain back, causing the girl to spin round with a look of annoyance on her face. "Stop saying that! Of course it matters. Did what just happened out there not matter to you?"
"What, your pity kiss?" Rachel practically spat. "Don't insult my intelligence, Santana, you said yourself you never say no."
Santana took a step back, hurting worse than if Rachel had slapped her. "Fuck you, Rachel." She swore quietly before pushing her way back through the curtains, sudden tears blurring her vision.