Disclaimer: I do not own any of these characters, DC does.

'IF'

by Songsix

Roy was comfortably kicking back in one of the many beanbags of the game room at his mansion. On one side of him was a bottle of root beer freshly popped open, and on his other end was a stack of Playboys – he of course was only looking at the pictures.

Today the boys were hanging out at his place, which was a nice change from their homes. Take for instance, Dickie's stuffy old manor with the uptight butler who admittedly makes the best damn cookies and the batcams constantly watching them. Then there was Cornfield's farmhouse of rules that prevented you from putting your elbows on the table or dropping the F bomb. However, one cannot forget being stuck underwater with a bunch of smelly fish, constantly wearing an oxygen mask, and having little to no, what he would deem edible, snacks.

Yes indeed, Roy's home in Star City was the place to hang out. With Ollie out all the time and giving him access to everything they had, they had an unlimited supply of junk food, soda, porn, comics, and videogames. Best off all, they had super gory, violet, action movies. Being a superhero still wasn't enough action for a couple of teenage boys.

He felt pretty proud of his awesome pad. Taking another refreshing and glorifying sip of his root beer, Roy sighed in content...until, he heard a snicker coming from the corner of the room. Not moving from his position, he glanced over and saw the source of the quiet laughter coming from Dick and Wally.

Too cool for whatever It is the other guys found funny, probably a whoopee cushion or something, he continued to lounge in his chair. He closed his eyes and hummed, but the snickering grew slightly louder.

"Hey Garth, get over here!"

Roy grounded down on his teeth, watching the fish boy from the corner of his eye. He was mega pissed now that they were having some 'inside joke' without him.

"See…isn't it?"

Snotheads…

"I don't know…"

Jerks-offs…

"Come on, admit it!"

Asswipes…

"Alright, you guys do make a point. This is pretty funny too…"

BASTARDS.

"Ha! We told you right?"

"That's it you fucking hyenas, what's so goddamn funny?" Roy demanded to know, throwing his soda to the ground dramatically stomping over.

"Man Roy, don't get your knickers in a knot." Dick chided, with hands over his mouth trying not to giggle.

"What the hell are you guys sniggering about anyway?" Shoving the other three boys over with one sweep of the arm, he peeked over to see what they were looking at. When he saw white laced binders and black&white photos he thought he was going to have to slap a…"What the fuck do you…what the fuck? WHAT THE FLYING F…"

"Whoa there Harper, keep it G-Rated why dontcha?" Warned Dick, wagging his finger.

"Shut the hell up Boy Blunder. What are you guys doing looking at my baby pictures? What the hell is Ollie even doing with my baby pictures?"

"Relax, Wally said he found them in your room…"

"Thanks Garth!" Said Wally, with sarcasm dripping from his voice.

Roy picked him up by the collar of his shirt, hissing into his face, "you little bitch! What were you doing in my room?"

The boy shrugged his shoulders with a sheepish expression, "I got bored, so I ran around the place a couple times. Pretty swanky Harper!"

Roy's eyebrow twitched a few times, once….twice…three times–"Bored? BORED? BORED?"

"Yeah, if we went to my place we could have been playing Apples to Apples with Barry! Coulda used my trump card, Bill Clinton on all your sorry butts!"

Before Roy could kick the boy's butt, Dick shoved the carrot top away with offense. "No way! Osama Bin Laden is totally the trump card."

"You both stand corrected, I'm pretty sure it's Helen Keller."

"Shucks, Garth is right, the HK card is always the winner."

"Tis true tis true Robbie, but why is that?"

"Because she was courageous and strong-willed despite her disabilities."

"You mean being a woman?" Roy piped up, already forgetting why he was angry in the first place, "alright guys! Why can't Helan Keller drive a car?"

"Because she's blind?"

"Nooooooo!"

"Because she's deaf?"

"Nooooooooooooo!"

"Why Roy? Why?"

"Because there's no roads in the kitchen!"

"Ooooh! I'm telling on you on Wondergirl!" Dick joked, laughing manically.

"No way she'll beat me ass! And if she beats my ass I'll beat yours!"

"Oh you wish you could touch this!"

"Shove it Dickie!"

"Once again, you wish!"

"Take that back you bastard!"

"Come and get it Roooooy!" Dick called, as Roy chased him around the room furiously.

"I ain't no Faggot, you Faggot!"

"Roy, I don't think that's very nice to –" Garth started, but Roy quickly waved him off.

"Look Gillhead, here's all I hear! Blah blah blah nice crap!"

"I'm just saying."

"And I'm just saying Roy wants to touch my scaly green bottom!"

"SHUT UP!" Roy yelled, pulling at Dick's neck to give him a noogie.

"That's no way to be speaking to your mother young man!" Wally scolded, pulling him off of the other boy.

Roy paused, confused by what he meant. "West, do you have turrets?" He asked, snorting.

"Hey! I thought we already went over this, you're his mom, and I'm his dad because I'm the leader of this team." Dick angrily jabbed, shoving Roy away to get into Wally's face completely ignoring the archer's question.

"What?" Roy tried again.

"Being leader has nothing to do with parenting!"

"Guys!" And again.

"Yeah huh! Parenting takes loads of leadership!"

"Hey asswipes!" Third time's the charm.

"Then are you implying that fathers take more roles then mothers!"

"GUYS! ARE YOU DEAF? Or just stupid?" Roy screamed pushing them both to the ground, but they still persisted to have their own argument.

"Hmmm…you make a good point, Alfred does do more work…so I guess I'd rather be the mom."

Roy finally gave up throwing his arms in the air and walking away. "Ohmygod, you guys are stupid."

"Wait a minute! Then I want to be the mom!" Wally hooted, racing off to the kitchen to grab Ollie's pink frilly apron. Oddly, it was tucked beneath his bed instead.

Roy sighed in exasperation wiping his forehead, grabbing Wally's sleeve to stop him from running off again. "Now tell me what you're both talking about!" He ordered, seething and ready to punch someone in the face.

Garth was the one to speak up, obviously amused by the whole situation. "They were saying how if they had a baby it'd probably look like you. Then maybe you're from the future and really their kid." He explained, pointing to the baby photo albums.

Roy slapped his forehead flabbergasted, and insulted, "wow…you guys are idiots. At least now I know you weren't sniggering because of my baby pictures."

Dick waved off his crude remark, picking up one of the binders and pointing to various photos, "oh come on Roy, look at these, you have red hair and blue eyes. I have blue eyes, Wally has red hair alongside the freckles. You've also seemed to have picked up my agility…"

"I picked up shit from you Boy Blunder. You guys are so stupid!"

"So then if I get to be the father does that mean I get to be with Black canary? Because she's totally hot."

"Totally!"

"I'M GOING TO HURT ALL OF YOU!"

Author's Note: Wrote it in July. Forgot about it. Posted it now. Have no idea what I was thinking at that time.