He is gone… gone forever…
She could not get that out of her head. She pushed him away when he needed her most and now he is gone. It was her fault. He had gone and done something incredibly stupid…
She had told him that she would be by his side forever, his partner always…
But she didn't… she had betrayed him when he was at his weakest. Now she is broken, tormented. Knowing that if she had only reached out her hand to stop him from going like she wanted to he wouldn't be gone.
She keeps telling others she is fine, putting up a fake smile to her friends, but they know that it is fake; the smile never reaches her eyes like it did when he was around. Everyone can see through her disguise and can see her shattered broken self, but they say nothing, there's nothing they can do to help her.
Broken… she had broken him by pushing him away. He expressed his feelings to her. She was not expecting it, and was not ready to tell him how she felt about him, for it was all so new and confusing to her. When he kissed her she pushed him away. The look in his eyes after that push was desperate; he needed to know how she felt about him… that it wasn't only him feeling these things. He needed her to love him back… but instead of telling him the truth she just stood there, unable to say anything, her voice gone… unable to say the words she secretly had wanted to say for a long time… she felt like she couldn't move, couldn't pull him close.
His eyes became more desperate as he asked her to say something, anything, but she just stood there… and watched his desperate expression go to one of pain. She even saw a tear fall from his eyes, something she had never imagined seeing. She wanted to go to him, but still couldn't move and stood like a statue, unable to handle whole the situation.
She said his name…
He turned around, a faint glimmer of hope behind the pain.
"I-I…" She stuttered, unable to tell him how she really felt.
"What? You what?" He said, his voice cracking with emotion.
"Nothing…" She said sadly, unable to muster the courage to tell him how she felt.
"Nothing!?" He whispers, his expression of pure anguish.
He turns to leave, unable to handle her answer.
She desperately wanted to go to him, reach out her hand to keep him from leaving. But part of her thought it was for the best, she didn't think that the two of them would be good together, they were good partners, but that was all they should be. At least that is what she told herself when he walked away. She thought he would come back eventually, but she was wrong…
It had been days… weeks… months… of not seeing him. He didn't even take anything from the apartment with him… She would spend most of her time in his room, just looking at his things. She would hold onto a picture she had of him. A rare picture of him truly smiling, his eyes alight with happiness. It broke her heart to look at the picture, for it brought back memories of the last time she saw him, broken and shattered. Even if looking at the picture broke her heart, she needed to look at it… look at his face…
How she missed him… his smile… his cocky attitude, his ability to make her smile even in the direst situations. How he kept her spirits up and made her feel safe…
Now she felt empty. His leaving had ripped out her heart, leaving her feeling numb. She had contemplated making herself bleed… to at least feel something… physical pain… it would be a welcome distraction. She would pick fights, fights she knew she couldn't win. At least not without her partner, her soul mate. She would be beaten senseless. Her friends would generally find her lying half dead in an alley. They would bring her back to their house and take care of her for a while. Try to get her to eat something, try to do something that would distract her, but she wouldn't even look at them. She couldn't… she couldn't stand the looks in their eyes, their sad expressions when they looked at her. She would leave their house as soon as she was able to walk out on her own.
She had tried calling him so many times… every day since he left. She would hear his voicemail, the sound of his voice made her choke on her words, the first couple of times she couldn't say anything as a message. After a week, she managed to say "Please come home…" on the phone before she hung up. She didn't even know if he had ditched the phone or not, if he was even hearing these messages, if he was dead or alive.
Sometimes she would tell him she got into a fight… that she needed him to come home… that it was lonely without him… but he still did not come.
A year had gone by… she knew what she wanted to say when she called him that day.
"I'm sorry. I love you… I don't deserve you after what I have done, and I can't live with myself anymore. In a week, I will make sure I don't survive a fight… so I don't have to cause anyone pain anymore…" She hung up. Her hands shaking. She couldn't believe that she had told him that. That is if he is still alive… She hoped he was. If not, then she would gladly join him in death in a week.
She curled up in his bed, and succumbed to slumber with the smell of her partner's room.
The next day came and went… same with the day after… and after… and after… and after… and
after…
She had been planning how she was going to die, how she was going to leave this world that held nothing for her anymore.
She had everything planned for the next day. She had guessed that he either had moved on or was dead, for she got no response from him…
She had been looking around the apartment for the last time. She had gone into her room, which she hadn't been in really in a year. She either slept on the couch or in his room. Her room seemed so strange to her, as if it was someone else's room, not her own. She recognized the things in it, but they no longer held any value for her.
She was absorbed in her thoughts that she didn't hear keys jingling outside of her door and the door unlocking. She was sitting on the floor in the hallway between their rooms, her arms encircling her legs. She was facing away from the door to their apartment, so she didn't see the man who entered.
She was startled when she heard her name. She turned her head, and couldn't believe what she saw.
Him…
It had taken him awhile to get back. He had been listening to all her messages. Some of them tore at his soul, making him want to go back, but he needed to hear how she felt about him before he would come back. He didn't just want her to want him back because she was lonely. She knew that he needed her and she probably guessed he would come back for any attention from her. But he did not want to be there unless he knew where he stood with her… what she had started to say that day a year and six days ago. Now he knew. He didn't understand why she hadn't said it then, or why it took her a year to say it, but that didn't matter anymore. She needed him and loved him, and he didn't want her to end her life.
When she turned toward him, he was shocked by the look in her eyes. He had never seen her look so defeated… so empty… her skin was so very pale, and she was a lot thinner than when he had saw her last. Her eyes bloodshot, she looked as if she was one step away from the grave.
He held his hand out to her, to help her off the floor.
She looked up, barely believing her eyes. She said his name softly.
"I am here. Everything is ok." He said with a small smile.
She leerily brought her hand to his; she thought she was just imagining him. When her fingers touched his, sparks of pleasure shot though her body.
He was real. He was here.
He helped pull her up, and softly brushed her hair out of her face. She hadn't even noticed that she had hair in her face before.
"I-I" She started to say as he pulled her into an embrace.
"Shhhhhh." He whispered. "It's okay."
He was shocked by how bad she really was. He had thought that maybe she was just saying that as a ploy to get him to come back. But once he saw her, he knew she planned on going through with it. But that wasn't going to happen anymore, he was there.
She hugged him back very tightly, as if he was going to slip away unless she held on tightly.
They stayed like that for a while. Neither saying anything, words were not needed. They both just wanted each other to stay held close in their arms.
She finally looked up into his eyes while still hugging him and found him looking back at her. Before she knew it she was leaning her face toward his, kissing him. She did it without thinking, she needed more; she needed to him to feel how much she loved him.
He was not expecting the kiss, but after the unexpectedness wore off he kissed her back passionately, needing her.
She moaned in pleasure, kissing just as passionately as she pushed him against the wall, eliminating the space between them.
He moaned, with the rippling sensations of pleasure of her lips and the space eliminated between them. He pulled his hands away from her back and brought them up to her neck. He broke off the kiss to devour her neck. Kissing all over the side of her neck, making her moan even more.
Neither of them was really thinking, just acting on instincts of the torrent of feelings the both had been experiencing the past year. They both needed each other, for they both were broken.
But now the two soul mates were together, and being together would slowly and surely heal their broken hearts. They would be partners to the end.
After their fits of passion had subsided they just stared into each other's eyes.
"I'm sorry I didn't tell you how I felt… I was scared…" She said soflty.
"Scared of what? You knew I loved you." He said, putting his forehead against hers.
"Of our relationship changing… I didn't want it to ruin our partnership if anything ever went badly."
He kissed her again, a gentle kiss this time.
"It wouldn't have been much different to start with. We would have gone as fast or slow as you wanted. I just couldn't help myself from kissing you once. I thought I would be able to figure out what you were feeling that way. I didn't mean to pressure you… I just didn't want to lose you… like in my dreams. I needed you then. I still need you and will always need you. I am not leaving you again."
"I will always be here. I won't let you go again." She said as she softly kisses him again.
He then picks her up and carries her to room, for he could tell she was exhausted and needed sleep.
"Wait… we sleep together in your room please?" She asked, not wanting to be alone.
He smiled softly as he turns and goes into his room instead, gently placing her on the bed and helping her under the covers. He joins her after she is all situated under the covers. When he lies down, she curls up and lays her head on his chest, wanting to hear his beating heart, for part of her still thought that this could just be a dream. He wrapped his arms around her.
"Don't worry; I'll still be here in the morning." He whispered as he hugged her tight for a moment.
"I love you." She said softly as she started drifting off to sleep.
"I love you too." She heard him say as she drifted off to sleep at the sound of his wonderful heartbeat.
While their minds were trying to wrap around what had all happened, their hearts were on the mend. They now were not alone and broken.
They had each other.
Now and always.