Disclaimer: I do not own the Harry Potter Franchise. But the coffee induce idea for this one shot belongs to me.
Harry Potter was heading to the room of requirement for a little recreational downtime with his two very best friends; Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger. He was carrying a rather large case of Ogden's Best Fire Whiskey, that if any one asked was donated by a mysterious donor and he was on his way to turn it over to Professor Dumbledore. In truth, Harry had just returned from Hogsmeade via the secret tunnel under Honeydukes after purchasing the case, under a glamour of course, from the Three Broomsticks.
Upon reaching a tapestry depicting Barnabas the Barmy, Harry knew he had come to his destination. He quickly walked past the tapestry, keeping a picture of the room his friends and he had come up with to relax for this night in his mind. On his third walk by, a door appeared on the opposite wall of the tapestry. Harry quickly walked through the door to be met by his friends who were already in the room waiting on him.
"About time mate," Ron called out from his seat on a long red lounging couch, "we were getting thirsty after eating all this food'. Ron gestured to the short table in front of the couch covered with all sorts of sandwiches, small appetizers, and deserts. The house elves did a very fine job making their recreational meal. With the amount of treacle tart in the pile, Harry suspected Dobby of the fine selection.
Harry rolled his eyes at his perpetually starved and impatient friend, before tossing Ron a bottle of Ogden's from the box. "Here Ron, quench your thirst."
"Before we get started," Hermione spoke up as Harry handed her a bottle, "I think we should come up with a list of conversational topics to keep us on track through the night."
"Mione, this is supposed to be a night of relaxation." Ron whined, "Why can't we just eat and drink and party?"
"Humph! Harry, what do you think we should do?" Hermione turned to gaze at Harry, who was spread out on a fainting couch in front of a blazing fire sipping form his own bottle of fire whiskey.
"I really think we should just relax, drink, and if something comes up, it comes up."
"Fine, but do not blame me when something comes up that you would rather not remember in the morning." She muttered as she grabbed a cucumber and cream cheese sandwich from the table and started to nibble.
Harry and Ron shared a commiserating look before saying in tandem, "We won't Mione."
Upon their agreement, Hermione raised her own bottle to drink and finally started to relax with the others, on her own plush red chair.
Before long, the three were well into their third bottle each, and their conversation had gotten dirtier and dirtier as the night went on.
"Mio-hic-ney...what would you get when a phoenix mixes with a ... hic ...a hic... a..." Ron fell over in a drunken slump before he could finish whatever joke he was trying so hard to get out, causing harry to let out a non-manly giggle.
"THAS IT!" Hermione screeched. "He never got laid!" She then dissolved it to a fit of giggles, while swaying from side to side on her chair.
Harry, who had stopped giggling when he fell off his seat due to Hermione's yell, wondered who in the world needed to get laid. And how in the world Mione would ever get the subject of sex. He really hoped she was not talking about him...though he didn't think it would hurt him in the least, maybe even help him. He decided then and there, he had to find out.
"Who never got laid Mione?" He had to raise his voice as by that time Ron had started snoring, loudly as was normal for him.
Hermione giggled out "Voliemore of course!" At that, she joined Ron in slumber, passed out over the arm of her chair.
Harry just stared at Hermione wide eyed. Of course! The power he knows not! Then he had an idea, a wonderful, awful idea. An idea to end the war before it even began.
"I need to go back in time and get Voldemort laid!" He shouted out in his highly inebriated state. His yell only caused Hermione to snort in her sleep, while Ron still snored in his sleep, oblivious to his surroundings.
FRUMPH. With the thought barely passed from one neuron to another, the Room of Requirement had already delivered. Before Harry now sat a rather large bottle labeled Orgy in a Bottle, an odd looking device with instructions, and a book with a bookmark.
He quickly grabbed the amber glassed bottle and noticed that there were actually two labels on it. The front he had already read, Orgy in a Bottle, the label on the back looked to be instructions; This potion is just what you need for those parties that have died before they even begun. Add five drops of potion to the drinks of your party goers and watch... or join in... as the orgy commences. There was something more at the bottom of the label, but it was in a really small print, and Harry in his current state could only pick out a couple of words; Warni... don'...with non-alco...effects...perm... He shrugged, it could not be too important if he couldn't read it.
The next item on the table was the odd looking device. It reminded Harry of Hermione's time turner from third year, but larger and oddly colored. The device had what looked to dark green sand in the bottom compartment, while the top was empty. The compartments themselves, were encircled in a dark twisted vine that not only wrapped around the device, but created a stand on bottom and the top of the device. Knowing, even after three bottles of Fire whiskey, that playing with random things without reading the instructions was folly, Harry carefully (just kind of dropped), the device back on the table. The instructions that accompanied the device were not so much instructions as directions; Use only with Cycle Renew Ritual.
"Thas stupid room! Why give me a device, but not the ritual?" Harry snarked out. "All I want to DO is get Tommy laid!" Here he dropped back on the fainting couch, dramatically throwing an arm over his eyes. "Why, why can't he be laid? If only he got laid... then I could get laid...cause... cause... then I wouldn't have to worry about Tommy!" By this point, Harry's words were being mumbled under his breath.
The Room of Requirement must have been annoyed because the book with bookmark disappeared from the table and repapered five feet above Harry's unprotected stomach before it dropped.
"Ow, Merlin, ouch!" Harry quickly curled over his sore stomach. The corner of the very heavy book had been the area of the book to come in contact...the room was really annoyed.
When the pain finally subsided, Harry sat up with the book in hand. Taking the hint...who said he could not learn...he opened the book to the page marked. Harry wacked himself in the head with the book in exasperation. At the very top of the page read, Cycle Renew Ritual.
Cycle Renew Ritual
This ritual is to be used when the cycle of magic has not gone right. When magic users come to the realization of the wronged cycle, they can use the following ritual along with the Renew device to fix the cycle. It will allow the magic user to go back in time to the critical point of the cycle to make a point correction. Once the correction has been made the magic user will be returned to their own point in time. However if the cycle... (Harry decided after reading what he had, that the ritual would be perfect for what he needed it for.)
Supplies
4 White Candles made of wax from bees fed only on thyme.
A burning bundle of Moons Wart, Solar Flower, and Lunar Weed.
Ground moonstone, enough to encircle oneself.
A Renew Device
Ritual
Take the powered moonstone and create a circle large enough to sit in with room for candles. Place a candle at each of the cardinal points. Step within the circle with the burning bundle and the Renew Device. Light the burning bundle with magic and breath in the smoke. Use the burning bundle to light the candles starting with the North candle and finish with the East candle. Place the burning bundle in front of the north candle, allowing the smoke to continue to rise. Turn the Renew Device upside down. Only when the sand has completely fallen and a flash of emerald light has shown will the ritual to take the magic user to the critical point be completed.
"Not that hard, I can do this!" Harry mumbled as he jumped up. Thankfully he was still in the Room of Requirement , as the table now had four candles, some plants tied together, and a pouch of shiny, white dust.
He pocketed the Orgy in a Bottle, and got ready to set up the ritual. Harry put out his right arm with a handful of moonstone dust, then allowed the dust to sprinkle to the ground as he slowly turned around to complete a circle.
"Now which way is North?" Harry asked himself...trying to remember the spell that pointed in the direction he wanted.
Suddenly starting from the center of the circle Harry had made, four beams of bright light shot out. Just outside the circle, on each beam a giant glowing letter appeared; a N, E, S, or W. The Room of Requirement helped him once again.
Harry, with his needed paraphernalia, sat in the circle and lit the bundle. Taking a big whiff, he started coughing as the smell was quite odious. Gagging, he started to light the candles in the correct order. He figured it went counterclockwise due to the fact he was going to go back in time. With one hand he placed the still burning, smelly bundle at the North candle, and flipped the device with the other. Harry sort of zoned out while watching the sand fall. On the last grain falling, there was a flash of emerald light.
When the light died down Harry could see that the room had changed, his friends were no longer there with him. In fact, the only thing in bare room besides Harry was a news paper, the date read October 31st, 1942. Tommy boy was sixteen...a good age to get laid, Harry thought.
After getting up, Harry carefully poked his head out the door of the Room of Requirement. Based on the dim sunlight filtering in through the windows of the hall, the Halloween feast would soon be starting. being on the seventh floor, Harry raced down to the kitchens far below where he currently was.
Upon reaching a painting of a bowel of fruit, he tickled the only pear, which quickly turned into a door handle. Stepping into the room, Harry was rushed by house elves, all asking what they could do for him.
"Well," Harry started, " the Headmaster asked me to come down and give you this potion to put in the pumpkin juice." He quickly pulled out the bottle, while subtly pulling off the labels. "The headmaster said it would add a little bit of spooky fun in this time of...uh... dread outside the castle."
"Wees can do that!" A house elf chirped, taking the bottle from Harry before dumping it the supply of pumpkin juice.
Harry thanked the elves and walked out of the kitchens towards the Great Hall. He hid behind a tapestry, watching the students and professors fill into the Hall for the feast. He watched as the food and drinks filled the table. He watched the Slytherin table as a young Tom Riddle took a long drink of his pumpkin juice. He watched as nothing happened for four minutes. On the fifth minute once everyone had taken a drink, the hall erupted into chaos. He watched as Tom grabbed the girl next to him and started making out. As the clothes started flying, Harry was engulfed once again in emerald light.
After the light had faded, Harry opened his eyes to find himself once again in the Room of Requirement. And, once again the room had changed. Harry looked around, the set up looked very similar to the room he and his friends set up. But the colors were all wrong...instead of the glorious Gryffindor red, the couches and chairs were in a cool Slytherin green.
He made his way to friends only to realize that the students laying down in a drunken slumber were not Hermione and Ron, but Pansy Parkinson and Blaise Zabini. Harry looked down at his tie to find it, like the room, was done in Slytherin colors.
Before Harry could start to freak out much, someone knocked on the door to the room, Draco Malfoy came in.
"My Lord, you started without me." Draco pouted at Harry, taking a bottle and a seat. "Did you guys get any planning done for the Ministry takeover before you guys started drinking?"
Memories started flooding Harry's mind of his years as a Slytherin, while the memories of being a Gryffindor started to fade. He, Harry Potter, was an aspiring Dark Lord, one who had not gotten laid. Harry's last thought as a Gryffindor was he hoped whoever was fated to take him down would get him laid in an orgy. That, and it was all Hermione's fault... and maybe he should have read the warnings.
The warning on the Orgy in a Bottle: Warni... don'...with non-alco...effects...perm... Don't minx with nonalcoholic drinks as the love effects will be permanent.
The warning in the ritual: However if the cycle... is meant to be, the magic user will take the place of the person the ritual was used for when they return to their own time and thus the Cycle Begins Anew.