Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters affiliated with Newsies;
they belong to Disney.
A/N: Mary-Sues are something that one can hate more than Spot doing a striptease-wait, make that Crutchy. The good ones we like and the bad ones we revile. But the reeeeally long stories with the reeeeeally bad ones are the worst. So wouldn't it be nice if we could just cut down all the clichéd fan-fics down to say, a minute? I got this idea off of the wonderful Veresna Ussep and it belongs to her but I just had to put a Newsie spin on it. Sigh. You were forewarned.
THE MINUTE MARY SUE FANFIC COLLECTION
THE GIRL NEWSIE WITH THE TRAGIC PAST
Mary Sue: "Oh my God, I'm just so sad. I have such a tragic past. Like my father was eaten by cannibals, my mother was given rabies by a mad goat, and my brother dressed up as a girl and was locked away. So I've been selling my perfect little body into prostitution. Oh, and I have long golden hair like the sun and green eyes like emeralds and I have a killer body to boot. All the guys want to get down my pants."
Jack: "Wow. I just stumbled over something in the dark. It's a girl. Wanna become a newsie and dress in our clothes just for fun?"
Mary Sue: "Yeah!"
Race: "Wow. There's a really beautiful looking girl over there. She can pick up girls and shoot a slingshot better than Spot; seduce Denton faster than Davey; looks sexier in a cowboy hat than Jack; wears shorts better than Mush; and beats me at any poker game. God I'm in love with her all ready and I now must go through the whole entire story yearning for her silently. She's my lovey-dovey baby."
Mary-Sue: "Ewh, look at that Italian over there who smokes all the time. But he is sort of cute in an odd, off beat way. He's my best friend. But he's still sorta cute-- Okay, now some murderous lunatic has come back from my tragic past to kill me!
Jack: "You have to go to Brooklyn with Spot if you want to save yourself. Even if I don't know the true answer."
Mary Sue: "Okay."
Spot: "I'm Spot. I'm an isolated, cocky bastard who goes through women like Race goes through cigarettes. I have a cane, a slingshot, and pink suspenders. You're pretty hot even though I don't know why you're here. Wanna fuck?"
Mary Sue: "Not yet! We need to have more tension between us and you can show me the sites around Brooklyn. You have to make a character change from isolated, cocky bastard to warm, fluffy Spottykins. So we're walking and I can feel myself falling for you more and more each and every day. I have conflicting issues like my feelings for Race and the fact that my brother's trying to kill me."
Race: "And I'm left alone sobbing at the lodging house because she left me."
Spot: "Oh for Christ's sake! Can we just fuck already?"
Mary-Sue: "Yeah."
:: Scenes of wild fucking ::
Mary Sue: "That was nice. But I still have a strange desire for Race--"
Spot: "I was just using you for the sex, you know. I am a cocky bastard with pink suspenders. Oh, look. Your brother's found out you're in Brooklyn and he's come to kill you to avenge some trivial vendetta that the author never mentioned. Oh, shit. He shot you. I'm just going to walk away now."
Race: "Oh, my dear sweet love! You are my sun and my moon! Please don't die on me! I love you so much that I am crying like a pansy for you! Please don't die!"
Mary-Sue: "Yeah, like I'd really die. I'm a Mary-Sue. I'm perfect. We can't die! Anyway when I was in Brooklyn I realized that I loved you."
Race: "Wow. Want to get married?"
Mary Sue: "Yeah right. Want to fuck?"
Race: "Okay. Let me just snub out my cigar."
A/N: Mary-Sues are something that one can hate more than Spot doing a striptease-wait, make that Crutchy. The good ones we like and the bad ones we revile. But the reeeeally long stories with the reeeeeally bad ones are the worst. So wouldn't it be nice if we could just cut down all the clichéd fan-fics down to say, a minute? I got this idea off of the wonderful Veresna Ussep and it belongs to her but I just had to put a Newsie spin on it. Sigh. You were forewarned.
THE MINUTE MARY SUE FANFIC COLLECTION
THE GIRL NEWSIE WITH THE TRAGIC PAST
Mary Sue: "Oh my God, I'm just so sad. I have such a tragic past. Like my father was eaten by cannibals, my mother was given rabies by a mad goat, and my brother dressed up as a girl and was locked away. So I've been selling my perfect little body into prostitution. Oh, and I have long golden hair like the sun and green eyes like emeralds and I have a killer body to boot. All the guys want to get down my pants."
Jack: "Wow. I just stumbled over something in the dark. It's a girl. Wanna become a newsie and dress in our clothes just for fun?"
Mary Sue: "Yeah!"
Race: "Wow. There's a really beautiful looking girl over there. She can pick up girls and shoot a slingshot better than Spot; seduce Denton faster than Davey; looks sexier in a cowboy hat than Jack; wears shorts better than Mush; and beats me at any poker game. God I'm in love with her all ready and I now must go through the whole entire story yearning for her silently. She's my lovey-dovey baby."
Mary-Sue: "Ewh, look at that Italian over there who smokes all the time. But he is sort of cute in an odd, off beat way. He's my best friend. But he's still sorta cute-- Okay, now some murderous lunatic has come back from my tragic past to kill me!
Jack: "You have to go to Brooklyn with Spot if you want to save yourself. Even if I don't know the true answer."
Mary Sue: "Okay."
Spot: "I'm Spot. I'm an isolated, cocky bastard who goes through women like Race goes through cigarettes. I have a cane, a slingshot, and pink suspenders. You're pretty hot even though I don't know why you're here. Wanna fuck?"
Mary Sue: "Not yet! We need to have more tension between us and you can show me the sites around Brooklyn. You have to make a character change from isolated, cocky bastard to warm, fluffy Spottykins. So we're walking and I can feel myself falling for you more and more each and every day. I have conflicting issues like my feelings for Race and the fact that my brother's trying to kill me."
Race: "And I'm left alone sobbing at the lodging house because she left me."
Spot: "Oh for Christ's sake! Can we just fuck already?"
Mary-Sue: "Yeah."
:: Scenes of wild fucking ::
Mary Sue: "That was nice. But I still have a strange desire for Race--"
Spot: "I was just using you for the sex, you know. I am a cocky bastard with pink suspenders. Oh, look. Your brother's found out you're in Brooklyn and he's come to kill you to avenge some trivial vendetta that the author never mentioned. Oh, shit. He shot you. I'm just going to walk away now."
Race: "Oh, my dear sweet love! You are my sun and my moon! Please don't die on me! I love you so much that I am crying like a pansy for you! Please don't die!"
Mary-Sue: "Yeah, like I'd really die. I'm a Mary-Sue. I'm perfect. We can't die! Anyway when I was in Brooklyn I realized that I loved you."
Race: "Wow. Want to get married?"
Mary Sue: "Yeah right. Want to fuck?"
Race: "Okay. Let me just snub out my cigar."