Author's Note: I'm sorry. This is my first one-shot. I hope you like it. :) It's M for some themes. And language.
Real
My whole world's falling apart.
See, I used to have a perfect life just five years ago...It seems like a long time, yes, but to me, it seemed like things were happening too fast until it was too late to realize that the people I loved were disappearing one by one. I had quite the white picket fence life before. Perfect grades. Perfect family. Perfect bestfriend. Everything was perfect.
Edward and I met back in kindergarten when I tripped while running to the slide to take another slide. I remember, he was the only one among all our other classmates to help me up. I remember his hand extending to pull me up. I remember him dusting off the dark soil that had stained my overalls and braided pigtails. I remember our eyes meeting, grass and earth, and our grins growing even more bigger by the second. I remember us being inseparable afterwards. And when I say afterwards, I mean years afterwards. Everybody teased us back then but he would shrug them all off and sling his arm around my neck until they just all stopped and accepted the fact that we've both found our bestfriend.
Edward grew into a man early on in his life. At twelve, he could already make girls melt into goo by entertaining them with his chivalric actions. I know he used to make me melt all the time. It took some time for me to get used to it. To my heart jumping whenever he would pull out a chair for me in the cafeteria. To my cheeks blushing whenever he'd call me pretty which was most of the time, actually. To my nerves calming whenever he'd give me a hug. Girls were into him 24/7. They never stopped throwing themselves at him at 12. Yes, it was unbelievable. But he always promised me that I was the best girl in the world and that I shouldn't be worried about all the others. He made me feel special. And like I said, everything else was perfect.
That is until my thirteenth birthday happened. Yes, I believe it started there.
It was kind of shallow. It was just that Edward ditched my birthday for a date with a girl named Kate. I felt bad because I thought he was replacing me for another girl. Obviously, Kate was a much better looking girl than I was. She had pretty blonde hair and electrifying blue eyes. I understood why Edward liked her. But I let my feelings get over me that day and I shouted at him over the phone. I didn't mean to but I couldn't explain how my insides felt so empty, hollow and painful. I knew I should've forgiven him afterwards but I was a stubborn child. We never talked afterwards. Whenever we'd see each other, our eyes would meet, the hurt and loss palpable, but that's about it. We treated each other as if we didn't know each other and I hated it.
That was when I believed that nothing in this world could be real at all.
They were arguing again. I never stopped asking myself if they'd ever stop...and when. They were always bickering and shouting at each other recently. And it would always be about everything...or just anything that would take them on a heated argument.
"I have no idea why I even put up with you!" Charlie shouted.
Over the years, I've let myself feel numb over things. Some people thought I was crazy but it was some sort of psychological defense mechanism for me. At least, I wouldn't have to feel the pain. I'm pretty good at it, you know.
"Are you saying that I'm a problem in this house?" Renee bit back.
Charlie and Renee are my parents. Well, were. They never really had the time of the day to check up on their daughter anymore because of late nights in the office or bar. Late night sex with a mystery guy for my mom's case, though.
"Yes, Renee! The fact that you've been cheating on me and lying behind my back...behind Bella's back." I curled up upon the mention of my name. Honestly, I didn't know how to react when I saw my mother in the middle of coitus with some guy in their bedroom the other night. It was like the numbness kicked in automatically. My body totally knew I was going to get hurt.
"Don't you dare bring Bella into this mess." She was crying.
"How could I not? She saw you. She's your daughter for christsakes. How could you?" His voice was breaking apart.
"This is our problem, Charlie." Her voice was strained.
"You don't fucking understand." Their heavy footsteps were growing closer.
"You don't know how much I understand." I can hear ruffling and some other noise...wood against wood?
There was a brief pause of silence between the two individuals. And then there was a last sniff from my mom and a zipper opening...or was it closing?
"So, that's it? You're just going to walk away?" Charlie asked. Footsteps followed after each other.
"It might be easier for you and Bella. Tell her I love her." She said one last time before slamming the door.
That was the first time in a long time that I actually let myself cry. I figured I like crying...it's the closest thing to letting go.
The next day came by. The first thing I noticed was that my mother's car was gone and so was she. I couldn't explain myself. It was like I was angry and sad at the same time. I went to my side table and opened the little drawer. Inside it was a family picture with Edward wherein we were all smiling. I felt something bubble up inside me causing the urge to throw it against the wall. And I did, causing the glass to break into shards and drop on the floor like tears. Like my tears last night. And then, instantly, the numbness was back.
I dressed up for the day, wearing a black shirt that said "Fork My Life". Funny how I live in Forks, Washington and my life's a mess right now. I put on my olive green hoodie, pulling up the hood, letting the shadow of it ghost my face. After, getting ready for school, I ran downstairs to get an apple from the fridge before taking my truck to school. Yeah, I didn't say goodbye. And the scattered beer bottles on the floor didn't go unnoticed, too.
Today is not the day.
I walked to my locker just as usual...well, looking a little more dead today than usual. Some people stared but I was quite used to it. They've always stared. Today, though, their eyes were filled with sympathy. I guess, when you live in a town as small as this, things spread like wildfire. They knew about last night. Everybody did. And ignoring them was the best way out of this.
Everything went on as usual. Until Biology period...the only class I had with Edward.
"Miss Swan?" Mr. Banner called out before starting the class. "Please step outside, I'd like to talk to you. And please, put down your hood."
I was doodling randomly on my notebook when he spoke. My head tilted automatically at the mention of my last name. I rolled my eyes at his request before shutting my notebook close and taking off my hood. Everybody was looking at me as I got off the chair at the very back of the class, everyone except Edward. It was hard not to notice his messy bronze hair facing me. I sighed, stepping out, following after the teacher.
"Miss Swan, I hope you are aware that you've already failed three quizzes. It's your senior year and you're about to graduate, I know that you know that you shouldn't have failing marks or else you'll have difficulty in getting into college." He explained.
College was the fucking last thing on my mind right now. The first one was dying.
"For assistance-"
"I don't need some fucking assistance." I simply stated.
"Now, watch your mouth, Miss Swan. I'll let that pass. I know you're having a hard time right now." He said.
"You have no idea." Fuck him.
"Can you please let me finish, Miss Swan?" He asked, almost angry at me. I rolled my eyes at him before he sighed then continued, "As I was saying, for assistance, I am partnering you up with a student so that he could help you with your academics. He's one of the best in class and I can assure you that his help will be useful to you. I hope you understand that I'm just trying to help you out."
I didn't say anything else. I didn't care anymore. He ushered me back into the classroom and I walked lazily back to my seat. And just right before I sat down he said, "Miss Swan, kindly move next to Edward Cullen. He'll be your partner starting today."
I felt my heart beat for a split second before I almost shouted back at him. "You've got to be kidding me!"
He responded with a straight face, "Tell me Miss Swan, do I look like I'm kidding?"
I gave him the finger and "Fuck you." before dragging my backpack to the seat next to Edward.
"Last warning, Miss Swan." Mr. Banner's stern voice echoed out as the class settled into silence.
Edward stared at me for the longest time and I looked back. He was like deciphering me as he searched my face for something. Finally getting annoyed, I spat, "What?".
He shook his face, "Nothing.". It was the first time in a long time that we talked again and it barely included two words.
I looked away towards the window as class continued. I observed the gloomy weather and the dark clouds, realizing that it perfectly matched my mood. I watched the clock every now and then, too, waiting for the end of class. When it came, I rushed to my truck, eager to get away from everything. Well, fuck my life. The truck won't start. I kicked it and sank down onto the ground, finally giving up. I pulled up my hoodie and I started to cry.
Why did all of this have to happen to me? I want to stop struggling - for once, god, please. I want to stop being numb. I want to stop pretending. I want people to stop pretending like they give a fuck about me because I know that they don't. I want people to stop pretending like they know me because I know that they don't. I want to stop pretending and I want to start feeling something real, again. I'm tired of pretending. I need something real.
The lot emptied out quite fast. It was a Friday and everybody planned on going out. I was supposed to be stuck at home with a drunk father. I rested my elbows on my knees as I watched blotches of water splat on the ground. There was some sort of rustling sound and I felt the presence of another join me. I turned my head to see who it was only to snap it back to its previous state again. I waited for him to say anything. But he didn't.
"I don't need your fucking sympathy, Cullen." I hissed.
"Bella..."
"Don't you dare. You gave up on me almost five years ago...Why now? Is it because of Renee? I can handle it. Besides, I've handled life without a social life for the past years. What's losing your family, right?" I looked at him, tears falling down my cheeks. My fist clenched tighter.
"I'm so sorry." His voice broke.
"Really, Edward? Sorry?" I scoffed at him. He couldn't be fucking serious.
"Yes. I'm very very sorry. You don't know how sorry I am." He sighed, "I miss you."
I shook my head at him. "No. No. Stop pretending as if you still care."
"I'm not pretending, Bella."
"Yes you are. Because if you weren't then you wouldn't be sitting here next to me." I argued. But he wouldn't budge. He stayed calm, still.
"I'm sitting here because I care about you. I still love you, Bella."
"No, no. You don't! Love is not real! Friendships are not real! You are not real!" By this time, I have turned my whole body to face him.
"Where do you get what you're saying? Where's the Bella that I used to know?" He turned to face me completely this time, too.
"You get that when everybody you love leaves you." I answered him back strongly.
"I didn't leave you. Never did. I was always here...just waiting." His voice was soothing, almost like velvet to my ears when he said those words.
"You left...Mom left." And as soon as those words left my lips, my tears started pouring out endlessly and my body shook. I hugged my knees to steady myself. He took my hands before pulling my body and wrapping his arms around me. My body started to relax a little but my tears were still too much. I couldn't stop them.
He settled me onto his lap so that he was cradling me. I buried my face onto his chest and I clutched his shirt as I let the tears flow. He hushed me as everything came crashing down. He kissed my hair before lifting us both up and settling me inside his silver car. I curled up, catatonic, in the passenger seat as he put all our stuff in the back.
"I'll get your truck back tomorrow." He said as he drove. "Esme misses you, too. And Carlisle, as well, I guess."
Esme and Carlisle, Edward's parents, were like my second parents. They were always there the same way that my parents used to be there for Edward.
He pulled up into the garage of their house. It didn't look any different than the last time I saw it almost five years ago. I climbed out of the car and looked at the forest then the house - I was planning on running - sort of. Because I did not expect this from Edward. But even before I was able to decide, he was already by my side, carrying both our bookbags. He wrapped an arm around my shoulder. It felt familiar, somehow, and I started asking myself if I should start believing this. If any of this is actually real.
He led me up the front porch stairs where we were greeted by Carlisle and Esme by the door.
"Bella, dear, I'm so sorry about Renee." Esme hugged me almost crying as well. "I missed you."
She smiled at me one last time before Carlisle cupped my face, "I have missed you greatly as well." He kissed my forehead and offered, "You can stay here for as long as you like, okay?" He nodded before passing me to back to Edward.
And then I realized, that I have missed them. A lot. I felt my insides warm up to their touch...most especially of Edward's.
"Come on, let's get you upstairs." Edward slightly pushed me past the threshold. The walls were still as white as I last remembered them to be. Nothing in particular has changed really. And I felt like I was 12 again as I looked around. They still have the same living room. Same house set up, despite of Esme's profession, Interior Designing.
We entered his room and it still looked the same as it did five years ago. And there was a picture of us back when we were 12 on his bedside table. I sat on his bed, reminiscing on the feeling of it. It still felt the same. A smile crept up my lips as I remembered a memory of us jumping on this very same bed years ago. He sat next to me and even more of the familiarity came as I examined his face. His bright green eyes, his angular jaw, his red lips, his pinkish cheeks, his pale skin, his stubble and his bronze hair. Somehow...they still looked the same...except for the stubble, maybe. But he still seemed familiar.
He cupped my face and brushed his thumb pads on my cheeks. I couldn't help it but melt into his touch. It was almost like reliving the past. A blush crept up my cheeks before he leaned in. He kissed my forehead first, then both my red puffy eyelids, my nose until he met my lips. They started moving against mine and I responded automatically. My hands crept up from his own hands to the hair on the back of his neck. It was like every nerve in my body was re-awakened. He pulled back for air but he was back on it just as quick as he was gone. His tongue traced my lower lip and I granted him entrance.
Our supposedly frustrated kisses turned into passionate ones and then they turned into my first ever sexual intercourse. It felt so fucking good.
"Let go." He whispered as he took for the nth time tonight. I released all the knots that have been tying me down and it felt so incredible. My vision clouded and we finally settled down after how many more rounds. "I love you, really." He kissed the spot right below my ear.
I turned to face him. "Really?"
"Of course." He gave me a quick peck on the lips.
"Well, I really want to start over again also." I looked at his eyes before continuing. "I'm sorry, too."
"Me too. I'm sorry. Let's start anew?"
"Yeah." I nodded and kissed him hard. "Don't leave me this time, please?"
"Never."
Maybe...everything was really real. Real pain. Real loss. Real friendship. Real love. Real chance. But could this new thing be real, too?...Yes. Maybe. Or else, we wouldn't be here.
I watched as his eyelids fluttered close and his breathing turned heavy. I smiled for us, for reality. "I think I love you, too." A mere whisper, a real realization.