City of Fallen Angels in Ten Minutes

by Destined To Repeat

*Beware! Below be spoilers!

Clary: (notices that Jace's hair is darker) I'm so glad that I now know Jace so well that I can notice even the smallest of changes in him!

Jace: (having a mental breakdown)

Clary: Can we make out now?

Jace: ... (angsts)

Clary: ...

Jace: ...

Clary: ...

Jace: ... 'Kay.

Clary and Jace: (make out)

Jace: Now go home.

Simon: (cheats on people)

Everybody: (chases after Simon for one reason or another)

Kyle: Hey everybody, I'm the Conveniently-Placed Plot Device for this chapter.

Millenium Lint/Spartan Lemur/Supercilious Freight Train/whatever: Hey.

Simon's mom: Honey, is there something wr-

Simon: I'm a vampire, but don't freak out.

Simon's mom: (freaks out)

Simon: (uses Jedi mind-controlling power and goes to live with Conveniently-Placed Plot Device)

Jace: (angsts)

Simon: (blows people up)

Jace: I think I'll stick around you for a while.

Simon: That's really heterosexual of you.

Jace: Magnus is wearing lederhosen.

Simon: Idon'teven

Simon: Hey, I'm really woozy. It's almost like I don't have enough blood.

Maureen: Hey, Simon, smile!

Simon: (bites her and sucks her blood)

Kyle: Right, so. Yeah.

Band promoter: Hey, I'm this chapter's Conveniently-Placed Plot Device, call me.

Isabelle: You are such a jerk, Simon!

Simon: But Isabelle-

Maia: You are suck a jerk, Simon!

Simon: But Maia-

Kyle: So, Maureen's not dead (yet)...

Maia: (tackles Kyle to the ground and tries to rip his throat out)

Simon: Right, so... Yeah.

Kyle: (is actually Jordan, and has an angsty backstory)

Readers: Angst? In the Mortal Instruments? What a shocker!

Simon: (blows more people up)

Maryse: If only the dead could talk, eh?

Clary: HOLY PLOT DEVICE, BATMAN!

Luke: Please stop doing that.

Jace: (has dreams about doing things to Clary. AND I'M GOING TO LEAVE THE INTERPRETATION OF THAT UP TO YOU.)

Clary: (has some random side-story about little Sebastian demon-babies that doesn't really have anything to do with the plot, except for the fact that it gives Alec a good reason to get a bit beat up and make Magnus worry about him-okay, I'm getting ahead of myself)

Simon: What's up with all the badly-veiled innuendo between me and Jace and Jordan?

Readers: (enjoy gay love triangles?)

Jace and Clary: (make out)

Jace: ...

Clary: ...?

Jace: (storms off)

Clary: Wha-bu-wibba-adda-

Jordan: Maureen's really dead this time.

Simon: Shoot.

Simon: I'm so empty inside. I think I'll put myself in dangerous situations and label it as The Greater Good.

Jace: Excuse me, that's MY shtick!

Magnus: (is awesome)

Alec: (is jealous (and awesome))

Maureen: Hi Simon! Please follow me to your doom.

Simon: WHY WON'T YOU DIE?

Band promoter: (is actually Lilith, Mother of Demons, Oldest Lady Ever, Even-worse-villain-than-Voldemort-I-mean-Valentine)

Readers: Huhwhat?

Simon: Wait, I blinked, what happened?

Jace and Clary: (make out)

Jace: (stabs Clary)

Clary: Um. Ow? Is this some kink of yours that I didn't know about?

Jace: Ohmygodit'slikeallmynightmarescometrue!

Clary: Uhh... right. Can we get back to kissing now? I was like so, and you were like so...

Jace: (curls up in a fetal position and rocks back and forth)

Clary: Guess not. Well, let's get rid of the voices in your head so we can go back to making out.

Sebastian: (is Snow White)

Lilith: Bring him back to life, 'kay?

Simon: I'd make a joke about kissing him to wake him from his slumber except there's already enough super-surreptitious gay innuendo in this book.

Jace: (gets the Silent Brothers to rid him of the bad dreams… kind of like Occlumency lessons, except without Snape, which makes it a million times less awesome)

The Silent Brothers: (have no beds)

Max: (comes to him in a dream) Give me your blood.

Jace: Max! What are you doing here?

Max: Oh, I'm a, uh…angel representative. I'll give you my card if I can have your blood.

Jace: Well, I guess that makes sense… (cuts self)

Max/Brain-Lilith: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I HAVE YOU NOW

Jace: Hm. Oops. (swoons delicately)

Simon: Since when have I had the power to do that?

Lilith: Oh, yanno. Since that time.

Simon: This is another plot device thought up spontaneously to make the author's job easier, isn't it?

Cassandra Clare: (twiddles her thumbs and whistles)

Simon: Are there any other random super powers that I have that I should know about?

Lilith: Oh, yanno. Stuff.

Simon: …

Lilith: Someday this will make sense. Probably.

Clary: Jace, what are you doing here?

Jace!Robot: I love you. Come with me. Bzzt.

Clary: Well, nothing out of the ordinary here. How come the ritual was so short?

Jace!Robot: Bzzt. Because I love you.

Clary: Oh. All right then. You look hot.

Jace!Robot: I know. Bzzt. Can I draw a mysterious rune on you?

Clary: Um, I don't know, Jace…

Jace!Robot: Marriage.

Clary: Well, okay… (Jace draws rune) Are you sure this rune is right…? (swoons delicately)

Jace!Robot: Pretty sure.

Clary: (angsts)

Jace!Robot: (is still a robot)

Readers: (can't see any difference)

Lilith: Eat him, eat him!

Clary: Nuuuuu, dun do eet!

Simon: (eats Sebastian)

Clary: (flashbacks conveniently)

Jace!Robot: (is STILL a robot)

Clary: (turns on the SEDUCE) Hold me, Jace.

Simon: (is poisoned) Not to interrupt you two or anything—

Jace!Robot: … 'Kay.

Clary and Jace!Robot: (hug passionately)

Simon: (coughs up blood) Um, guys?

Clary: (cuts through Jace's shirt) Oh, wow, your chest muscles are awesome—er, I mean, now your blood will disfigure Lilith's rune and you'll be free!

Jace: (is free)

It: (is so on)

Simon: (chokes and dies)

(Pathetic little fight scene ensues. Jace gets his butt kicked, then Clary gets her butt kicked, then Jace gets his butt kicked again, and tells Clary to run away, which she doesn't because Jace needs more self-hate, obviously)

Lilith: (smacks Clary)

Clary: AHHHH IT HURTS!

Jace: (depressed) I hate myself.

Simon: Do I have to do EVERYTHING around here? (uses the Hand of God to 'splode Lilith. Salt goes flying)

Readers: Suddenly we have this massive craving for pretzels.

Clary: It wasn't your fault.

Jace: WILL NO ONE LET ME ANGST IN PEACE?

Isabelle: (tells the Clave everything)

Luke: (nods) Yeah, I had the feeling that my engagement party would be interrupted by a group of psychotic cultists, a bloody battle in the Church of Talto, and Jace being possessed and kidnapping Clary to be used as blackmail for Simon to perform an unholy ritual that would bring Sebastian back to life.

Magnus and Alec: (make out)

Clary: Hey, the half-revived Sebastian couldn't have healed Jace's rune and sent a telepathic message to Jace that would force him to finish the awakening ritual and bring Sebastian back, could he?

Everybody: …

Readers: …

Everybody: NAAAAAAH!

Sebastian/Jace: ….Mwahahahahahahaha….