It sounds strange, I mean his been driving me mad for ages and here was defending him. Why do you ask? Well Sam asked that questions, I'm not really sure and not really sure I want to know the answer. Part of me thinks I'm doing it because he has always had faith in me, even when I have let him down. When Dan left, he gave me a few days off, he didn't want me to leave the job. I guess when Dan left, part of me left. His the only reason I came to Holby. Silly really but then I have never been sensible when it comes to men. When he left I w as suddenly all alone, with a new boss and colleagues who really didn't like me. I was late a few times, I will admit that but with the exception I made up my time.

Anyway why did I defend him? Why did I out my job on the line for him? Why did I put noble Sam's job on the line. Sam, the one man in Holby who I can feel totally at ease with, even though we slept together, but we both had a tough day and knew it would lead to nothing else. Then theirs Linden, it always comes back to him. As I'm speaking and digging myself a big hole I'm about to fall into, his trying to defend, he doesn't wasn't me to lose my job. I guess I was recklass and again I ask why I did it, to be honest I don't really know, it just felt like the right thing to do. Oh shes looking at me.

"Your stupid but at least you consistant" was that a trace of humour "If I decide to take this no further..." I smile a little with relief but I see the look on Linden's face when she mentions the twins moving elseware. His got so involved in their lives and as I watch him, I can't help but like him even more but wonder why he is tryng so hard with this family. There is something about their plight that draws him in. I watch him out of the corner of my eyes, he is so disappointed and part of me can't help but feel sorry for Jayn, she is put in such a difficult position, not just with this case but with the Tans. If she fails, Linden will blame her. Why does the world work like this? I often ask this question, I never expect an answer. I want to reach out and help him, he doesn't seem to care about his job anymore.

Oh no he wants a word with me. This can't be good. OK Maddy, keep calm, keep cool. Your not in trouble and technically as his suspended he can't do much as his not my boss offically, though unofficially. No Maddy don't think that way. OK he wants me to go to his office, wil it be his office for much longer I wonder.

"Look Dr. Young, I can't believe what you did. You could have lost your job and Sam's job as well as jeopardised my case. It was reckless and irresponsible"

My eyes fell to the floor, I was trying not to cry, to keep me temper in tact, something I wasn't great at.

"However your reasons were noble and I know you were trying to help. Don't do that again please Dr. Young, Jayn may not be so forgiving. You can go now"

Control my temper, control me temper, control...oh sod it

"It's not currently your ofice, you are suspended, I have more right to be in this office than you. You shouldn't even be here, you are making it ten times harder for yourself and you are so involved in the Tan's case, AAU is going down hill and I know you can't do anything at the moment. No one has the experience, we need you, we need you to stay focused on keeping your job, we need this to work. If this goes down him it's not onlt you it will fall onto but also me. Furthermore stupidly I thought she wouldn't care as long as I could prove you innocence, I thought she'd be happy. Stupid really" I walk out the office, slamming the door behind me. I remember seeing the shock on his face though I am so angry at myself...and him. Why do I bother? He doesn't want this, all. he wants to do is help the Tan's on some bizarre crusade and now I feel guilty for not being more syperthetic, AHHH. I head downstairs for a drink and break and meet Sam

"Hey, what happened?" He asked me, I looked at him

"She's overlooking it, at least this time" I saw a look of relief across his face, he smiled at me and hugged me, I didn't return the hug, I was so annoyed. Sam looks at me

"Why arn't you happy?" He ask me, and I should be I know that but this still bothers me
"I'm just not going to bother in the future helping people, they just..they always let you down in the end" Sam looks at me, concern over his features. We leave the lift, though rather than get a drink, we head out to the car park to talk, grabbing something from the vending machine on the way.

"What did he do? What did he say?" He asks me with a sigh.
"Was it stupid Sam, for me to expect a thank you, even though my evidence was dismiss able, I still proved he didn't make a mistake. I showed him were it went wrong." I must have looked a sight, as Sam slipped his arm around my shoulder

"I think his just annoyed" he tried to comfort me

"He was going to take the rap, saying he did most it and I only did as I was asked. He was trying to defend me. Why are his messages so mixed, why can't he just say...thank you or Good on you for telling the truth. Sam were am I going wrong with him, I try to be a good doctor under him but I always feel I'm doing something wrong" I plead, his arm around me tightens and I feel comforted

"He knows your a good doctor, You don't need to keep trying to prove yourself. He'll say thanks some day" Sam said confidently, I wish I had his confidence.

"He won't. Why do I act before I think"

"Well that's been to my advantage before, I can't say that's always a bad thing, and in medicine it can save or distroy a life, you have great power Maddy. He'll thank you and when he returns he'll return the favour"

"Maybe." Though I'm not convinced I'll ever get a thank you. I need a friend. I need Sam for the night. "Look when do you finish?" I ask
"I finish at 8, you" Sam asks me
"Same here" I Reply then continue "Do you want to go out, to the Italian and grab some food with me, I don't want to be alone or I will boil with rage"

"Sure sounds good, breaks over, come on we'd better go"

I let him lead me to the lift, I know Dr. Cullen will be there watching over the Tan's, he doesn't leave them now if he can help it. Hopefully tonight I'll forget him and whatever made me want to defend will disappear forever. Though I know y mind and until I solve something, my mind won't let me rest. I should be so lucky. He'll haunt me, the men in my life always do.