Springtime In The City

The city held a lot of memories – a year in the life of Craig Dean.

A life full of laughter and happiness.

Only every now and then would the feeling of regret hit Craig. Sometimes it was a fleeting feeling, other times it lingered longer and he would find himself lying in bed staring up at the ceiling, his mind drifting back to another life.

But this didn't happen often, they were rare occasions and they didn't trouble him. He accepted it as part of the way he was bound to feel. And as the weeks turned to months, and then months to almost a year, he found they were even rarer.

He had no wish to go back, no want to return. He was comfortable, secure in who he was. Happy with the life he had created for himself. It was his, a life that he had built. No help from anyone else, he felt like he had finally found his place in the world he once felt like he never belonged.

But everything changes. All it takes is small moments, when everything changes irreversibly and the moment compels you to act, sometimes even against everything that feels right and makes sense, almost like a force taking you back.

The phone call was brief and for the most part silent. The sound of his Mum's voice, shakily speaking to him through the receiver. Max was dead. Steph was devastated. And by the sounds of the small scared voice everything was falling apart around her.

Craig knew everything that had been going on, and every time another bombshell hit, immediately he wanted to be there, to try and help. But he let himself be convinced by Jack and his Mum; he let himself believe that everything was okay. He knew it was because part of him didn't want to go back there that he let himself be convinced so easily.

That time was no different. He listened to his Mum's broken words as they mumbled out reason after reason why there was no point him coming back, he had an argument for each of them, but as 

the list went on he found himself giving up and losing the fight.

Then there was nothing for months, a few phone calls here and there as time moved on the voices on the other end of the line seemed happier, working through everything that had happened. Craig almost felt a relief; he had been waiting for the next announcement – what else could possible shake his family's world more than that?

But even when you convince yourself of what you want to hear or see, the inevitably is that the truth will always out and usually in a way that hurts the most.

The phone call was strange and from how Craig had managed to convince himself it seemed out of the blue.

"I don't know how to cope. I've been saying I'm doing fine, that I've moved on. But I don't know how to move on from this. It's like there is an ache in my heart where he used to be. Mum says that's normal, that after a while the pain eases and time heals it. But it's been months, and I'm not healing. The pain is still just as strong. Kieron says grief is a personal thing, you can't relate one persons grief to another's, that its personal and the only way through it is to let yourself feel what you feel. But all I feel is pain. It's been turning into anger too. I know I shouldn't feel angry but I do. I don't understand why he was taken from me..."

Steph's words echoed through Craig's mind. She spoke for hours about it; he never once stopped to interrupt, or to ask her any questions. It was like that for three nights, she called and he listened taking in every word she spoke trying to think of something to say when the line went silent, it took him those days to realise that wasn't why she was calling. She didn't want more advice, or more talk of how time would heal everything.

"Craig. Come home"

The words had pierced through the silence and the pleading in her voice made it impossible to say no. All it took was just one moment, in that one moment when those three words were spoken and Craig's mind was already made up.

Its funny how that to look at something from the outside, you would think nothing had changed. It's 

only when you move closer and look deeper do you really see the differences. No matter how small or insignificant they may seem.

No one said much when Craig first arrived, Steph it would seem didn't put much hope in Craig actually coming back and therefore had told no one that he said he was. He arrived early in the morning with no one around and had spent the last two days locked away in the flat. Most of his time he spent with Steph, sometimes she would talk, other times it was just silence.

Craig found, he couldn't sleep in his old room. Newt, the latest resident had changed its appearance dramatically, and yet it still remained the same, all you had to do was look closer – see what really lingered underneath all the emo posters and sketches.

The couch was comfortable enough, and most of the time Steph fell asleep with her head on his shoulder, and he would wake up in the morning with her still in the same place. This morning was no different; except it was earlier than usual and instead of the gentle chatter from the kitchen he heard nothing. He expected to feel Steph in her usual place, but she wasn't there. Just a few inches from his feet, she was sat on the floor gazing down into a photo album.

"It had been such a beautiful day... until... Crazy considering how the day before I was thinking about not going through with it at all. Mum said it was a bad idea to get the pictures developed... maybe she was right. But I think that someday Tom might want to look at them, that I might be able to look at them without feeling the way I am now. I think maybe I am being punished. I've never really been a good person. I'm shallow and selfish, I didn't deserve it. I didn't deserve having him love me"

He heard the pages turn lightly as Steph looked through the photographs, he didn't go to her, and she needed the space between them. He wasn't even sure if the words she was speaking were directed at him or just things that she wanted to say. She carried on that way for a while. There were so many things he wanted to say in response. He wanted to tell her that she wasn't the same anymore – that she had grown. Just the way Tom looked at her was enough to see that. Never once did she let her lingering grief show in front of Tom, in fact she rarely showed it to anyone else than Craig.

Steph's words silenced, the pages topped turning. And she moved away from where they sat, mumbling about Tom as she walked away. Craig slid off the couch and onto the floor, pulling the photo album into his lap. The pages open at a group photo of everyone. There were faces he recognised, and others he didn't. He turned the page and what seemed to be the exact same image as before appeared before him. As he looked closer he saw it wasn't the same – the second picture had one person missing. The Priest.



He stood on the end of the row of people in the first picture, a face full of guilt and anguish. Of course he had heard everyone speaking about it all. He stood around the corner hidden from view of everyone in the living room on many occasions – hearing only snippets of the story.

"Myra kicked him out. Then Kieron left"

"He came back though"

"Can you blame Myra for her actions?"

"You'd think perspective would pay a role in this"

"Life's too short"

It would seem everyone had an opinion on the subject, Darren, Jack especially Steph she was more vocal about them than anything else.

"They love each other and they want to be together. They didn't set out to hurt anyone, all they did was fall in love, we should be happy for them, not judging them"

His Mum didn't seem to share the same view and for the first time quite possibly the last his Mum and Myra McQueen agreed on this matter.

"His not a priest anymore"

"Does it even matter? The damage is done. The hurt has already been done"

This went on for a week. One week of being trapped away by choice in the small flat above the pub. He didn't even know how long he was staying, as far as he was concerned it was as long as Steph needed him to be.

He really had no idea as to why he was keeping himself hidden away. He certainly wanted to see John Paul; there wasn't even a question of that. But after a while, you forget all the things you had planned that you would say when you see that person. Over the months Craig had thought about the moment when they met again. He knew it would at some point happen, but as the months passed him, the words left his mind, and he didn't focus on the moment so much. They were replaced with thoughts of his new life and not those of his past.


"Hi. It's me Craig. I wasn't sure if you'd pick up... I was wondering... I'm back in Hollyoaks. I got back a week ago. Steph called me. Do you want to meet up? I'm not sure when I'm leaving you see. I thought it might be nice... to see you before I go"

The phone call was nothing epic. Neither was John Paul's response. They organised every minute detail as if they were a million miles away and not just five minutes. Craig didn't feel nervous; he didn't even feel worried that he wouldn't know what to say. This was John Paul. He was sure as soon as he saw him the things he wanted to say would be there in his mind.

When he arrived outside the flat, he could hear the sound of music quietly playing in the background, he smiled to himself – something's didn't change. He knocked getting no reply, and then again. Still nothing, he turned the handle and the door opened, he looked around calling out John Paul's name. He checked his watch to make sure he wasn't early. The time matched what they had arranged.

He looked around the small flat, the first thing that caught his attention were the photographs scattered across the room. He recognised the faces immediately, John Paul smiling widely back at him, and next to him nearly in every picture was a face just as happy, the face he recognised from Steph's wedding album. Kieron.

They weren't all of just the two of them, some with Kris, even Steph. And then some with the McQueen's. But no Myra. One of the photos's stuck in his mind more than anything. One of just the two of them, sat closely together in this flat, a few people in the background blurred, but the two of them in focus. Kieron clearly half way through talking, and John Paul staring at him. The expression on John Paul's face wasn't one that Craig even recognised.

He heard a door behind him shut quietly and he turned quickly. His eyes locking with John Paul's. He looked different and yet exactly the same. He tried to figure out exactly what was different about him, but he couldn't. He looked across his face – taking in everything about him, trying to make out what the difference was. But he looked the same as he did when they last saw each other, another year older.

But then he realised it was nothing physically, it was just him. There was something in his eyes that 

hadn't been there before. A light that had been lit in his absence.

"You just going to stand there staring?"

"Sorry. Just... well... you know"

"Yeah I know. Come here then"

The smile on John Paul's face reached his eyes, and Craig felt like he was seeing John Paul smile for the first time. They moved towards each other quickly. It wasn't awkward as they met to hug; it was just as Craig knew it would be. John Paul moved away and smiled again.

"It's good to see you Craig"

"You too. You don't mind that I called, I just... I couldn't imagine going back without seeing you..."

"Why would I mind?"

"You never called. And when I tried, you never answered. I thought maybe..."

"It was just easier that way. It wasn't that I didn't want to – to start with, it was just better that way. And then you know... life happened."

"Yeah I know what you mean"

A small silence fell across the room and John Paul broke the stare, he moved into the kitchen and started talking as he made them both a drink. He rambled away about how he had only been living here a couple of weeks and was still getting used to the place. Sometimes he stopped himself, perhaps he was about to mention Kieron, maybe he wasn't sure if Craig knew the whole story. And he didn't, but Craig was fairly sure it didn't matter whether he knew the full story or not.

They sat down together on the sofa; it felt like the photographs were staring back at Craig even more now. Each one of them a sharp reminded.

"I'm sorry John Paul"



"What for?"

"Everything I guess. The things I did back then, for hurting you"

"If I remember it rightly we both hurt each other"

"Yeah, but sometimes I feel like I drove you to those moments. That my actions forced you to do the things you did"

"Nobody forced me to do anything Craig. You can't take responsibility for the things I did"

"I'm still sorry"

"So am I"

He sounded so different, so free from it all. Craig didn't need to look at him or the photograph's to know John Paul had let it go. That he had moved on. He could hear it clearly in his voice. He held no anger or resentment towards Craig. The words he spoke were filled with affection and honesty.

"I miss you John Paul. I miss my friend"

"I've missed you too Craig"

He turned to look at John Paul, and the harsh realisation hit him, the two men sitting here were not the same people they had been a year ago. Life had moved on, people had moved on, the feelings had shifted and changed, and nothing but the memories remained. Some of them beautiful memories, others that had left scars but over time had healed.

Craig knew he was the one leaving here with something missing. The thing that John Paul had wanted and been looking for, he had found. Craig had wanted it to be him; he wanted to be that person. But this wasn't his life anymore, his was miles away with new friends and people he loved and as much as he missed John Paul and was happy to see him, this wasn't his life and it wasn't his place.

Had John Paul always known this? Had he seen it at the airport that day? Did he realise that even though the love they had for each other was strong, something hadn't been right. It didn't fit, and fighting for something that was going to fail wasn't something he could go through if it meant losing 

Craig in the worst possible way, with anger and resentment, and a life left behind. Had he always seen this? Had he believed this was the right way, because even though back then the pain had been harsh and heart-breaking, was this way better? It meant they could be here now – at a place that wasn't filled with regrets or bad feeling.

John Paul held his gaze, and Craig saw that was exactly what John Paul had known all along. And Craig knew he didn't belong here, there wouldn't be a place to hang a photograph of him and John Paul, a life of laughter and love between them, they had moved on.

"How long are you staying for?"

"However long Steph needs me too."

"She doesn't believe us when we tell her she's doing amazingly well. But she is. I can't begin to imagine how she feels. She's so strong and I don't think she even realises it."

"She will one day. She doesn't believe it, but time does heal these things. You don't forget, and the feelings don't go away. They just fade"

"You should take her to Dublin, show her the city"

"That's a good idea. She'll love it there"

"Do you? Love it there?"

"I do. I feel at home. Spring times the best, walking through St Stephens – everyone thinks it's hilarious that every Sunday I go out and walk through the city, through the parks. I don't even remember when I started doing it, just something that stuck, it's always so busy everyone so caught up in the city and I love it, but it's nice to get away and go somewhere like that – she'd like it there. Maybe I'll take everyone Mum, Darren, Jack... be good for them"

"It's been a tough year for them. You should"

Craig looked into his nearly empty cup. Another silence filled the room, until John Paul's phone vibrated on the table. He smiled to himself as he read the message. Craig didn't need to guess who it was.



"You look happy John Paul. Different"

"I am happy. I mean its hard, with my Mum. I guess you know..."

"I know"

"She's talking to me now, which is something. The fact that anyone is really..."

"Perspective I guess. Something like what happens to Max, and it makes you see - makes you realise what's important"

"It really does"

Another small silence fell across them, it wasn't awkward or uncomfortable, just the two of them lost in their own thoughts.

"I hope you're happy to Craig"

"I really am"

The cup was empty, and he stood by the door. His goodbye stuck in his throat. He wondered if this would be the last time he would look at John Paul like this, if there would be another moment when they would meet months or years from now. Would everything be the same as it is now? Would their feelings be the same? Maybe everything would have changed again. He believed he would see John Paul again, he felt it a year ago as he watched him walk away, and he felt it now.

That was one thing that time couldn't change, the connection and the realisation that he and John Paul's lives were inexplicably connected, and even though now it was almost like saying goodbye to John Paul as a stranger, he knew there would be a time when they would meet again and their eyes would connect and the feelings in that one moment would return.

It would be the right moment, when they both knew without a doubt, where they were meant to be.