Redbutterfly21 here. It's been a long week for me and I'm feeling pretty bummed. To my readers of my Inuyasha fic On the Other Side don't worry. I'm still working on it and am hoping to have the next chapter up soon. This one is sort of a rant. It started off as a blog on one of my pages and I figured "why not let Bella have a say so as well since we both seem to be going through the exact same thing". After reading New Moon I figured what the hell? After all, Bella and I are kindred spirits (I'm starting to think that Stephanie Meyers follows me lol ok bad joke).

DISCLAIMER: I don't own the Twilight series. Stephanie Meyers does. I'm just borrowing her characters to get a point across.

IN BLOODY F***ING LOVE!!!!

Ever loved someone so much that you cried? Ever stare up into the clouds and you instantly see their face? Does every goddamned song you listen to no matter what the subject or the style remind you of them? Such is my pathetic case. I am what everyone calls "the late bloomer" (definitely not late on some things cause I KNEW that I liked boys before I could even crawl). Yes I was that charming little ugly kid that had the crush on all the "hotties" in school only to have my hopes crushed countless times. Oh and let's not forget that I always seemed to be the subject of many of their sick jokes. Then there were the awkward junior high days where you seem to get hormonally charged near everything the opposite sex. Ugh. I will be the first to say that I hated those days (I rarely find anyone who enjoyed junior high). But that is not my rant.

Going back to the late bloomer thing.. I didn't officially have my first boyfriend until I was 18 and even then it was a joke. Long story short, he used me to stay close to my friend because at the time she was still taken. When she broke up with her boyfriend, he decided to break up with me and immediately go out with her. Thus began my two month curse.

In an effort to cheer me up (and make herself feel better about dating my ex) my friend set me up with another guy. He was hot, and nice and all that. Too good to be true really. We ended up spending most of the summer after my graduation making out and going out on dates. I liked him a lot, but unfortunately he only had one thing on his mind: sex. Needless to say he broke up with me after two months cause I wouldn't give in. The two month curse strikes again.

Then I started college and met another guy that my friends set up so I wouldn't feel alone while they went out to play tongue hockey with their boyfriends. This time it was my own mistake. I'm not even going to go into details with this one. He didn't even last a week.

And so I was alone for my first three semesters of college and often very depressed. That is until I got bored one day and played on Zwinky where I met my best friend and twin soul, Alice. The insanity that followed ensured that we would be the greatest friends. We talked all the time and learned that we were alike in so many ways, we began to joke about being from the same pod or separated at birth. About a month later I met her brother, Edward and my current boyfriend...

And my life did a total 360.

It was rocky at first. We talked and I liked him a lot.. but I had been talking to someone else before him and though we weren't serious I didn't think it would be fair to ditch him for Edward. But that turned out to be a mistake because I was even more miserable than when I was alone. But Edward forgave me and now 16 months later and we are still together.

Which brings me to my point...

I AM IN BLOODY FUCKING LOVE!

I mean yeah that's obvious and whatever after 16 months, but it's the crazy shit I promised I would NEVER do...

Like read those bloody ridiculous romance novels and sigh dreamily at the end of every time the characters would hold hands, hold each other, and kiss.... then sit there and daydream about being with him in that exact situation.

Or lie awake at night thinking about him until my head hurt and I pass out.

And actually CRY when I miss him.

Or watch chick flicks! BLOODY FUCKING CHICK FLICKS!

All the while somewhere deep, deep, DEEP in my subconscious I'm wondering: WHAT THE FUCK?!

In the course of 16 months he has managed to transform me into a giggly, lovey dovey, girly girl! I hate and loveit at the same time!

How can something like love be capable of making you feel overwhelming happiness, yet cause unbearable debilitating pain at the same time?! It really pisses me off.

But I love him. Hence this little rant. It's 2 am and I cant sleep. Why? Because he's on my mind and I'm ready to punch the first living thing I come in contact with. Being in love has changed my temper as well. When I used to fight at the drop of a hat, being with him has calmed me down considerably, but at the same time, I want to hurt many, many things. Confusing right? Love is fucking confusing.

Then there's the music. For Christ's sake I was listening to Disturbed's Stricken and Killswitch Engage's My Curse and I THOUGHT OF HIM! I can't listen to my fucking emo music without seeing him in my head and its driving me bloody fucking insane. BECAUSE I AM stricken by cupid's unmerciful arrow and he IS my curse.. A lucky fucking curse. Like the kind of curse you don't MIND having. Like a fallen angel or something. Not to mention the little romantic songs that leak through the radio when I'm jamming out in the car. Fuck. Me.

Yet I love it.

Which makes me pretty fucking masochistic.

Joy.

It aggravates me to no end, but I can't help but think about those beautiful eyes that captivate me every time I look at them, or that smile that makes you weak in the knees. Even when he says "I love you" I'm ready to faint because he means it and those words are directed at me! ME! A frumpy little nobody yet I have this wonderfully beautiful man who puts Greek gods to shame. I always wonder "Why me? What makes me so special?" To which he responds "Because you're you."

And I scream.

Because I totally don't fucking get it.

I thought it's because I'm me that I'm a total turnoff to the male species.

Yet he seems immune to my klutziness, short temper, foul mouth, short attention span, and the rest of the long list of shortcomings.

I know what you're thinking: just shut up and count yourself a lucky bitch because you actually have someone to love you like that. Just let him LOVE YOU dammit!

Yeah I wish. My dumb ass has to sit down and analyze EVERYTHING. So of course this would be no different.

Actually… there is a slight difference.

You see my beautiful, wonderful, loving, perfect Edward has taught me something.

To think with my heart.