Disclaimer: Congratulations you have the honor of reading my first fanfiction. I hereby state that I own neither Inuyasha nor John Constantine: Hellblazer. Hellblazer belongs to Vertigo Comics and Inuyasha is owned by Rumiko Takahashi.
Hellblazer: the Feudal Shuffle
Chapter 1: Into the Setting Sun.
This story begins where all good stories begin… in a pub.
Here we find the reluctant hero… or to be more accurate anti-hero of our story. He is the owner of many names including mage, trickster, con-job, bastard, and John Constantine.
At the moment, it is roughly 4:30 in the morning, the place is a small pub in London, and John is staring at the last bit of his last round of Guiness for the night and is currently taking a long drag of his cigarette. So now you know the who, the when, the where, and the what. So the only remaining question is why, why do we find John here killing his liver and giving himself lung cancer (again…)? The answer is simple: John had a good day.
It had been a very good day by John's standards. Up and out of bed by the crack of noon, the restaurant he went to get his breakfast/lunch served decent Tea and there were no hairs in his eggie in a basket. John proceeded to wander over to the racetrack, and found a new bookie that hadn't heard of him to take his bet, (sucker).
Upon winning enough quid to take care of the rent, smokes, alcohol, and food for the next 4 months, he decided to do his daily rounds of information gathering. He checked in on all his contacts, both human and non-human alike, after wondering about for 2 and half hours, they only thing that he managed to do was break in his new shoes.
For some reason the spiritual world was silent today.
At least as silent as the spiritual world got, since the spiritual world is never silent, especially with those blokes down in hell.
There were a few ghost hauntings in Brixton, a Virgin Mary statue with bleeding eyes at a St. Paul's Cathedral, a lower class demon making the usual trouble in Westminster, all around nothing of particular interest, and nothing that involved him or his mates.
No, cults trying to bring about Armageddon, no demons possessing young children and shooting up their classmates, no serial killers out to kill his sister and niece, hell even the old bog god (a.k.a. Swamp Thing) had taken a break from fighting his sodding vegetable wars, or whatever the fuck he does all day. It seemed that john had gotten the day off.
So John got himself a whole box of silk cuts, supper, and then proceeded to spend the next six hours getting pissed drunk. Now, the question you are undoubtedly asking yourself is why that after a wonderful day such as this, one would decide to get sloshed? You see one thing John had figured out over his 50 years of existence is that he can best be described as a universal crash test dummy. This could be because he had pissed the guys upstairs and downstairs one to many times, or it could be because he was a Constantine and trouble just naturally found him. Either way, he was not buying that the powers at be were just in a civil mood today.
The only reason he could think of is that somebody was planning something, and he just knew it would be aimed square at his bollocks. But the worst part about this whole mess was that he didn't have the foggiest idea what it is; much less do a damn thing about it.
This is simply the calm before the fuckin' hurricane.' John thought, as he exhaled the smoke from his lungs, he just knew it.
So, what does one do when you're about to be nailed by the sniper known as the world? Head down to the local pub and wait for him to rear his ugly face, and if your fucked, well then you die a little happier with a few pints of alcohol in your system. Trouble was that now it is closing time and nothing has fucking happened yet!
"Bloody hell." Said John as he took his last swig of guiness and took a long drag of his ciggie.
"Oi, blonde!" John eyed the bartender who had just yelling at him. "dya hear the music!"
John looked upwards at the speakers embedded in the ceiling; the music in question was "Bugger Off" by The Dubliners.
John looked back at the bartender. "Take the songs bloody advice, pay your tab and piss- off." The bartender sneered.
John smirked, "alright squire, but I need to use your phone to call me a cab."
The bartender gave john a look of 'are you quite serious?' and said, "you tell'n me the there is actually a bastard on this planet that doesn't have a mobile phone?"
"What can I say mate, I'm one of those old pricks who don't change with the times easily. Besides, who needs one, when there is a there's nice blokes like yourself who have 'em, and are so willing to help the underprivileged." John replied.
The bartender snorted, reached behind the bar and pulled out a phone and dropped it in front of John.
"Cheers," said John, as john began dialing.
"Humph, just make sure you pay your tab or I'll beat your trench-coated ass from here to Japan," said the bartender.
John pulled some bills from this trench coat pocket, placed it on the bar, and traced something on the bills, murmuring to himself while the phone was ringing.
"'ello?" said a man on the other end of the line.
"'lo Chas, its John, need a lift," said John yawning.
"Fuck John, I'm at the end of my shift, if I'm not back by the time the misses wakes up she'll eat my head off," wined Chas.
"Shite Chas, I just need a ride home, we're not going to sodding Japan. 'Sides, were mates, you give me lifts, I save you from bitch mothers, and demon gangsters, if you recall, and don't forget the time…"
"Oh, bloody well fine then, enough, I pick you up, where you at?" interrupted Chas.
"That's a good mate, I'm at that new pub, whatiscalled, the Winchester, off Old Kent Rd." replied John.
"Right, fine, lucky for you on that road, be there in a minute," he hangs up.
John hangs up, hands the phone back to the bartender, and stands up. "right then, see ya round squire."
John turns to leave only to have his arm jerked back rather harshly. John glared at the bartender who glarded back, then looked at John's hand. Which held the money.
John smirked and held out the money. "Sorry 'bout that squire."
The bartender sneered, and wrenched the money from his hands and walk back to the cash register.
John walked to the door but before he opened it he turn and said, "Oi, one more thing squire."
The bartender looked at john. "What!"
John grinned evilly, "just wanted to comment on the excellent treatment I have received tonight."
He then gave the man the bird, "Up Yours!" and snapped the fingers on his other hand.
The money, which the bartender was still holding, instantly went up in flames.
"Shite!" The bartender quickly dropped the money. Unfortunately it landed in the cash registrars open drawer, and proceeded to ignite the other money on fire.
"FUCK! BALLS!" he screamed as the desperately tried to smother the flame.
Meanwhile, John was strolling outside with a satisfied smile on his face, as he listen to the bartender continue to scream every curse word known to man.
It was then that Chas pulled up in his cab. John hoped in the back of the cab, and smirked at his old mate.
Instantly a worried look was plastered to Chas's face, and he looked out his window and listened to the cursing that emanated from the bar.
"Bloody 'ell John what did you do now?" asked a worried Chas.
John gave Chas the most innocent look he could and said, "why nothing at all dear Chas, just teaching the new tender how to treat his patrons with some respect."
It was at this time that the doors of the bar flung open, and the bartender comes running out with rage in his eyes and a rather large looking crow bar in his hand.
"Uhh… Chas, would you mind taking care of this?" asked John.
"Me? Sod you, this is your mess you take care of it," yelled Chas.
Sadly, the fates would not be on Chas side tonight, as the bartender slams the crowbar into the side of his cab.
"Oi! Me cab!" Chas jumped out and threw the bartender away. The bartender quickly recovered and charged Chas with a mighty swing of his crowbar. Chas simply ducked down, grabbing the bartender by the armpits and used his momentum to pull him forwards and down, executing a perfect reverse German suplex into the hard concrete.
The bartender was out cold.
Chas got to his feet, glared at the bartender, and began rubbing his back. "Bugger, I'm to old for this bollocks."
'Clap, Clap, Clap.'
Chas turned to see John standing outside the door of the cab applauding him. "Capitol show as always Chas, in yer 50s and still kicking arse."
Chas grabbed John by the caller and exclaimed, "Yea well you remember that when I ask whose gonna pay for the damage to me cab!"
"Oi! Watch the shirt!" John yelled. "The insurance companies of course! It was a bleeding hit and run!"
Chas quirked an eyebrow, "how so?"
John smirked, "he hit, you hit, and now we run."
Chas did not look convinced.
"Fer Christ's sake Chas, don't worry 'bout yer bloody cab, just say some prick hit it and ran off!" John sighed. "They can't prove a thing and besides it's technically true. Cause this bloke, I guarantee, is no long here mentally."
Chas sighed and released John's caller. "Fine but if this flops I'm coming to you with the bill."
They both got back in the cab and drove off.
Inuyasha stuff…
Time: unknown (night time)
Year: 15?
Place: somewhere in Japan.
John Constantine was pissed.
"SON OF A BITCH!" John bellowed as he wailed on a tree with a rather thick downed branch.
"That little prick! He finally did it! He finally out smarted me!" the branch he was using to attack the unfortunate tree finally snapped in half and John collapsed to his knees and slammed his fist into the tree.
'This is stupid, this ranting is getting me nowhere,' thought John as he turned around and sat up against the tree.
"I need a smoke," John said to himself.
John reached into his deep trench coat pocket and pulled out a carton of cigarettes. 'Thank God for small favors,' thought John, in regards to buying a full carton of smokes earlier.
John as he pulled out a ciggie, lit it, and took a deep drag.
As he let the nicotine set in and exhaled, he went over in his mind how he arrived at the predicament he was currently in.
(Flashback)
John and Chas had driven up Old Kent Rd, across the London Bridge, and were at the intersection with Fleet Street.
The light was green so Chas continued through.
Suddenly, a bright light could be seen coming from the side of the cab, and a loud horn blared.
"Fuck'n Shit" yelled Chas as he turned the wheel and slammed on the brakes to try and avoid the on coming truck. Though it was already to late.
John closed his eyes, 'so was this it? After everything I've seen, after everything I've done: cheating lung cancer twice, orchestrating the fall of an angel, taking on the First of the Fallen (the lord of hell) and beating his sorry arse multiple times, and countless of things. I'm I going to be taken out by some fucking prat who doesn't no what a red light means?'
"Ironic is it not, Johnny boy?" a voice laughed.
John opened his eyes to find the owner of the voice, in turn discovering that the truck had not hit.
He looked to out the window to see that the truck was not moving. It was just sitting there about centimeter away from the passenger side door. The headlights where still shining in his face.
Also, upon further inspection, the cab was no longer moving either.
"Oi! Chas you alright there mate?" No response.
Chas's arm was covering his eyes, his other hand on the wheel, and his foot pressed firmly on the brake.
"Chas, s'alright nobody was hit, that prick truck driver stopped in time." John said as he reached over and shook his friend.
Chas didn't budge. He was a statue. Frozen.
It was then John noticed something else. There was not a sound to be heard.
No brakes squealing, no engine sounds, not sirens, no one running to help, not even the sound of wind. It was like some one hit the mute button on the world.
John was beginning to get concerned he looked outside to see his suspicions confirmed. People were frozen mid step, there was a dog doing its business on a fire hydrant with its piss frozen in mid air. There were a flock of pidgins in the air overhead, yet they were not flapping their wings or moving anywhere.
Fuck the mute button, someone had hit the pause button.
The world had stopped.
"Bloody hell, someone's yanken me chain again," said Constantine.
"Oh, come now John, is anyway to talk to your savoir?" John new that voice.
He looked to the seat next to him to find the owner of the voice. And just as he suspected, there was the First of the Fallen grinning there smugly at him.
The First of the Fallen. The Original Evil. The First Demon. It was said that when Lucifer fell from grace to hell, the First was already there to great him. This was the creature the in sighted fear and terror into the archangels, and all things living and dead.
In truth, he even scarred John. But would John let him know that?
Not bloody likely.
John lit up a silk cut, inhaled, and proceeded to blow smoke into the devil's face.
"Wot d'you want." John sneered.
"Defiant to the end eh, John?" smirked the First. "Very well then, straight to business. You see, currently I am the only thing keeping your sorry arse alive."
"Bollocks, you have no reason to do that, we both know how badly you want me dead, so I can be put through your little house of pain. So stop fuckin about." John replied.
"True, however, an opportunity has presented itself, that I just had to capitalize on." The First replied smugly.
"s'at so…" said John impatiently.
"Indeed, you see I believe that even the worst I can give you in hell will not make up for all trouble you have caused me during your pathetic mortal life. So, I discovered a way to have some fun with you. Im going to play a little game with you and the result is watching you effectively go through two hells." Said the First, a huge grin plastered on his face.
"However," the First frowned. "Since nothing like this has ever been done before, I sadly must resort to giving you the choice: die here and be taken to hell, or live and play my game so I have the pleasure of seeing you go through two hells.
"Shite, tough decision," John replied sarcastically. "Especially considering you're your whole scheme is a load of Bollocks," retorted John. "Who do you think you're trying to con? If I were dead I'd be have a cupa tea with Death, ya know, that optimistic Gothic chick? Not the reject conscience of God."
"Ha! Ha! Ha! Good show John, can't get anything passed you." Laughed the First.
"Har bloody har har, how bout we skip the bullshite, and you piss off so I can go home and get me beauty sleep," replied an annoyed John.
"Ah, but fortunately for me I have an alternative method for ensuring your compliance in my little venture, would you please consider Mr. Chandler behind the wheel over here." The first nodded towards Chas, still a frozen statue.
"wot about 'im?" ask john suspiciously.
"Well, while it is true that you will make it out of this little accident I rig up. The same cannot be said for your partner in crime here." Said the First, still grinning.
"How do I know that your not pull'n this out of your ass?" John sneered.
"Oh, come now John, look at the vehicle about to hit him." The First pointed to the truck. "It doesn't take a genius to figure this out. The truck is moving at roughly 100 KPH, and it is directed right at the driver's side doorway. Shame, they just don't make these cabbies like they used to, eh? That truck will rip through the front of this cab like it was tin foil." The First joyfully replied, relishing in the thought of the sheer destruction.
"His family will have to have a closed casket, because they wont be able to find all the pieces of him." The First laughed.
John had had enough.
"FUCK YOU, YOU LITTLE PRICK!" John screamed as he grabbed the First by his tux collar and pulled him towards his face. "So, I suppose that you can make this all go away so long as I cooperate, is'at right!"
"You catch on quick," smiled the First. "Do watch the shirt."
"And what sort of guarantees do I have that you will fulfill your end of the bargain, eh?"
John sneered. Still holding the First's collar.
"Why my word of honor of course. Mind the shirt." said the First.
"Ha! Your word!" snorted John, tightening his grip on the First's collar. "You'll forgive me if I don't trust the word of the being who is known as the Lord of Lies."
The First frowned. "Understand this John, by you agreeing to the terms of this little game, it is the same as a contract. You clearly proved earlier that you still know the rules, I cannot go back on my contract, else I suffer myself in my own hell. AND HANDS OF THE SODDING SHIRT!" The First yanked John's hands off his collar.
John sighed. Fuck, he cornered me. If it were anyone else I'd say fuck'im. ButChas…
Chas didn't deserve to get mixed up in this. Shit, the only reason he was still alive is because he had the sense to keep away from my little magic fixes. He's my oldest mate. As much as it goes against the bastard in me, I have to take this one for Chas, he was always there for me, guess its time I replayed him.
'Sides, Chas will owe me big time for this.
But first things first, I'm not going to walk into this blindly. I want to know exactly what he has planned.
"Fine you got yourself a deal, but first I want to know exactly what this little plan of yours consists of?" John said. "wot, you planning on killing me putting me through hell, resurrecting me and doing it again?"
The First smiled. "Oh no of course not John. After all, the only one capable of restoring the dead is the Lord of Hosts and his bastard son."
"No, what I have planned is more of… a study abroad program if you will." The first grinned. "Do not worry, you will not die anytime soon… or perhaps you will. The fact is that how long you live is precisely up to you."
John took out another cigarette. "Still waiting on this plan of yours"
"Patients John. First you need a shot history lesson," replied the First in a professor like manor. "Contrary to popular belief there was a time when demons roamed the earth freely. Then the Lord of Hosts put and end to that with the Great Flood. However, after the Lord of Hosts sent his son to earth, we thought it only fair that we should have a presence on earth as well. However, since his son stayed in a central area, our emissaries were required to do so as well. They ended up in the area that is now known as Japan."
"Hmph." John snorted. "Why'd they want to hag about with the Japs?"
"It wasn't about the people, it was about location. The Lord of Hosts' son was securing an empire in the west. So naturally we went for the east." The First continued. "In any case, it worked wonderfully, the Japanese, continually conquered the surrounding areas, and our influence was great. If you have ever read any history behind the Japanese you'd understand. They were a ruthless, warrior people, who believed in race supremacy, if their warriors lost a fight they would committee suicide themselves, homosexuality became practically the norm, hell, until the Portuguese came they had never even heard of the true God. It was not until the modernization of Japan that our forces were forced to begin moving back to our realm. They did not even completely leave until after your World War II."
"Surprised the man upstairs didn't wipe out a few of their cities like he did with Sodom and Gomorrah." Remarked John.
"But he did, haven't you ever heard of Hiroshima and Nagasaki?" replied the First. "In any event, These Demons became shall we say… domesticated… after years of living and breeding on earth. After a while, many forgot why they were there in the first place. They simply considered themselves as the top of the food chain, spreading chaos across the region."
"Heh, always figured you were a bit lax in the management area." John smirked.
"Didn't bother me, as long as my minions continue to produce results. But do try to stay on topic John; this is where you need to pay attention. The time is roughly 500 years ago; this is when domesticated demon rule was at its peak. During this time there was one particular demon that stood out from the rest. He was a particularly cruel and evil demon, and the best part was that he was once human. He spent his time searching for the fragments of a sacred Jewel that had the power to grant a wish to its keeper. This Jewel was known as the Shikon no Tama or the Jewel of the Four Souls."
"This is where you come in John, your job in all of this is too acquire this jewel. If you can, you need to merely wish your way back to the here and now and you will be released from the contract. However, should you fail and die, you will be given into my care for the rest of eternity." The First said with a particularly evil grin.
John looked at the First for a moment, and took a puff of his silk cut. "So, if I understand you correctly, your going to send me on a little history tour of the Japanese dark ages, so I can retrieve some stupid Jewel. Is'at all? Here I thought you'd be throwing me into a pit of flesh eating zombies, not giving me a bloody quest that sounds like something out of a video game. I'll be back before supper time tomorrow."
The First smirked. "Ah Constantine, leave it to you to over simplify things. I chose this little quest for you because it will be your biggest challenge. What with demons around every corner, a language barrier, the fact that the Jewel is in several pieces, and because the demon that currently possesses most of it is… well lets just say you to have a lot in common, especial when it comes to your tactics."
John simply signed and shook his head. "heh, sounds like every other Tuesday to me."
"Enough! Explanations are over, its time to get this show on the road." Announced the First, as he waved his hand and cab and everything around it disappeared.
John, who had been sitting on the cab's seat, fell ungracefully on his bum. "Oww!" He stood, but when he tried to walk he discovered he couldn't move. That's when a large pentagram appeared at John's feet with him in the center. It then glowed bright red and began to rotate counter clock-wise.
"Oh, and one last thing Constantine." John saw the First appear in front of him. "As I said the contract will void when you return, and Mr Chandler, like we discussed is part of that contract, and thus should you succeed and return…" The First smiled. "Chas, will die!"
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" John bellowed.
"Ha! Ha!" Laughed the First, the pentagram was spinning widely by now. A small tornado was forming within it. "Finally I shall be rid of my most hated advisary. Enjoy the Warring States area of Japan Constantine. Live long, fuck over many, and then be good enough to die!"
"I SWEAR, I'LL BE BACK FOR YOU, YOU LITTLE SHIT! I'LL B…" and then everything went black.
(End Flashback)
Which brings us back to the here and now.
John had just regained conciseness to find himself sprawled out on the ground, in between a tree and the bank of a streme. It was then that John felt it necessary to take his frustrations that had been building inside of him since the First arrived, out on the tree next to him. Now that he had the time to think things over, and got some nicotine into his system he felt much better.
"Right then, to business." John thought out loud. Sitting around here playing with me dick wont help matters, thought John. First things first, need to find civilization. He got up and looked around. Sodding lovely, not a town in sight. Cloudy night, so I can't even tell what directions I'm going. Not that it would do me any good since I don't have a bloody map to go by.
Well, guess its time to let synchronicity do it thing. John cleared his mind, and then he simply let his body run on automatic. And he began walking.
And as he walked, a quote from a book he recalled reading once came to mind: 'At times the world can seem an unfriendly and sinister place… And what might seem to be a series of unfortunate events, may in fact, be the first steps of a journey.'
Heh, a journey. Likely a journey down death row. Aw well, Bollocks to it…
Wagons Ho.
TO BE CONTINUED…