Surrender
Craig felt like he was going to be sick. His feet were moving quickly on the pavement as he walked away from what he had just seen. He was vaguely aware of Hannah running back into the pub; of Sarah loosening the grip she had on his arm, but neither of those two things were what was repeatedly running through his mind.
All he could see was John Paul's body pressed closely against Spike's. Spike. His hands were all over John Paul, on his face, in his hair, moving down to his back. Why, why, WHY was this bothering? He knew John Paul liked Spike, and Spike, even though Craig hated to admit it, was okay. Over confident and completely in love with himself, but okay, he guessed.
He had stood watching them, both so caught up in one another, oblivious to audience they had got. He wasn't sure how long he had stood and watched them, but it felt like an eternity of waiting, waiting for his body to turn and walk away, waiting for his mind to come up with a reason as to why it bothered him so much to see John Paul with Spike.
Perhaps it was because it was right there in front of him. Before it had only ever been talk, he knew John Paul was gay, he didn't care about that he was still John Paul, it didn't change a thing, and yet he hated the thought of it, he hated the thought of John Paul with a man. His mind started to wander; he couldn't help but think about John Paul and Spike standing there now. What were they doing now? Perhaps he should have been more concerned about where Sarah was but in that moment he really didn't care. All he cared about was John Paul and what he was doing.
He stopped suddenly. He really hadn't got very far, and he had no idea where he was heading too, that thought hadn't crossed his mind he had just been so concerned getting away from there. But now he felt a slight intrigue, he felt himself turning around and heading back in the direction he had just come from. He tried to tell himself that he just wanted to go back and see where Sarah was, make sure Hannah was okay - but he knew why he was really going back. He wanted to see if John Paul was still outside with Spike. He hoped that by some miracle Spike would have fallen in the river leaving John Paul standing alone and he might actually get some alone time with his best friend.
He turned the corner quickly, and then stopped when he saw John Paul standing alone, leaning against the railings. He stepped back slightly watching from around the corner. Now he felt nothing but confusion and slightly awkward. Why was he standing here watching John Paul? Why was he taking in every movement he made, trying to remember everything about the way John Paul's hands moved through his hair, the way he nervously fidgeted with the buttons on his jacket.
What the hell was he doing? Why on earth was the kiss he had seen sent him into this confused mess. He shook his head ignoring any of the thoughts that lingered there and stepped out from the corner, moving quickly towards John Paul, before the fear of not being able to talk to him gave in. Why did he feel so nervous? This was John Paul, his best friend. They had spent so much time talking, it was all they had done in their friendship so far. He had told John Paul things he never thought he'd be able to tell anyone. So why now would he fell so uneasy and unsure. It must just be
the kiss, he tried to convince himself, it must just be that he wasn't used to seeing that, he repeated that thought over and over in his mind.
He rested against the railings closely beside John Paul, perhaps he was too close... he shifted along slightly and then John Paul turned his head to face him. The look of surprise and yet pleasure at seeing his friend evident.
"Craig... hey..." Then John Paul seemed to change slightly, he looked worried and cautious, turning his head back into the direction of the pub. "I thought you were inside..."
"I was, we were waiting for you... but Sarah was getting bored, she wanted to go to the dog..."
"Oh. Right" Relief sounded through John Paul's voice again, but was soon replaced with more questions "Where are they now?"
"Who?"
"Sarah and Hannah?"
Craig stared blinking at John Paul, if he told the truth he would have to come up with some kind of explanation as to why he was here and not inside with his girlfriend, and seeing as he wasn't sure of that himself, he couldn't really do that. The lie seemed to fall easily enough from his lips. "I saw you standing here by yourself and they went on ahead to The Loft..."
John Paul nodded in understanding and looked ahead again over the river. Craig wanted to ask about Spike, he laughed to himself quietly and looked over the edge, a slight twinge of hope that his wish had come true.
"What you laughing about?" Craig looked up to see John Paul smiling at him - his eyes looked a darker shade of blue than usual in this light, they still held the same glint as always, but they looked different, almost inviting. Craig was sure he had opened his mouth to say something, but he couldn't seem to form a sentence as the thoughts he had just had about his best friend ran through his mind again. Why was he looking so intently at John Paul's eyes? Why did he even remember the exact shade they usually were?
What the hell had that kiss done to him? He felt like he couldn't breathe again, and he wasn't sure if it was from the panic or the feeling coursing through him as he looked at John Paul. He turned away quickly trying to remember what John Paul had asked him, but he couldn't seem to focus on anything but John Paul staring back at him. He closed his eyes but the image of John Paul's eyes still lingered in his mind.
"Earth to Craig..."
"What?" Craig raised his hand to the back of his neck and rubbed it, he heard a small laugh escape from John Paul and instantly turned to look at him again, he wanted to see his face as it changed
into that smile, he wanted to remember the sound of John Paul's laugh... and he had no idea why.
"I said what are you laughing about?"
"I erm..." He continued to rub his neck, and another laugh escaped from John Paul "I don't remember" And he actually didn't remember he was so lost in his own thoughts now he couldn't remember what he was laughing at.
"What are you laughing at?"
"You. You're doing that thing you do when you get nervous or anxious"
Craig was confused, he had no idea what John Paul was talking about, but the fact that John Paul had been paying so close attention to his actions, watching him close enough to know the things he did sent a feeling straight to Craig's stomach... like butterflies... and again, he had no idea why.
John Paul must have read the confusion in Craig's eyes and smiled again "The neck rubbing"
Craig's hand stopped abruptly and he pulled it away "Oh that. Yeah, always done that. No idea why"
"It's sweet..." John Paul's voice trailed off and in the instant their eyes locked when he said it, they had moved away again. He didn't want John Paul to stop talking, he wanted to hear John Paul say those kinds of things to him, and it suddenly hit him.
He was standing next to the one person who knew him better than anyone, the only person in his life he ever felt truly comfortable around, and for all this time he believed it was nothing more than friendship. But this feeling wasn't friendship, it went so much deeper than that. And the reasoning behind hating seeing John Paul kiss a man wasn't because he didn't like John Paul being gay, it was because he wanted to be that man.
He imagined himself now moving closer to John Paul, wresting his hand on top of his, revelling in the warmth he felt as their fingers met. Then his imagination went into overdrive, he was kissing John Paul, his hands in John Paul's hair, his hands gripping onto his back and everything seemed to fade away into oblivion, there was no pub, no river, no pavement beneath his feet just him and John Paul and the feel of their lips pressing tightly together.
His imagination froze there and he let go of the railing, and staggered backwards. John Paul turned to look at him, his face full of concern, and Craig felt like he wanted to jump in the river, anything to get himself out of this situation. He could see John Paul closing the gap between them, but that was the last thing he wanted.
Then suddenly he felt grateful for Spike's existence which was something he never thought he would feel, he could hear the DJ's voice calling from the door of The Dog. Craig turned and standing there was Spike, with Sarah and a rather depressed looking Hannah standing by her side.
"I thought you said they had gone to The Loft?"
Crap. Crap. Crap. He turned round to look at John Paul who was standing waiting for an answer, and he had nothing. "I thought they had"
"Oh" John Paul seemed to let it go, and even that was another thing he loved about John Paul, there was a slight innocence to him that made him believe things so easily, he had so much faith in the people around him, perhaps it came from having a big family, Craig was sure that's were his protectiveness came from, another thing he loved...
Crap. Crap. Crap. Seriously, what the hell was wrong with him? He was snapped out of his thoughts as he felt Sarah wrapping herself around him again. He felt claustrophobic and nauseous as Spike took hold of John Paul's hand. He felt like thumping him, in fact he was pretty sure he could have.
He ignored the conversation that followed staring at nothing but their hands entwined, the way Spike's thumb gently stroked John Paul's skin and all he wanted to do was rip their hands apart. He could feel the anger at the situation in himself rising and again he wanted to run.
He snapped his eyes away, trying to ignore the pulling from Sarah on his shirt, and he looked up at John Paul, expecting him to be staring at Spike, hanging on his every word, but that isn't what met him. His eyes were staring back at Craig, curious and kind. Without saying a word, Craig could see this was John Paul's way of asking Craig if he was okay. When had it become like this? When the two of them needed no words to communicate? He had no idea what was happening here, or how to stop the feelings that were coursing through him, or even if he wanted to stop them. But he did know that it was too late, that from the moment John Paul McQueen had entered his life a series of events had occurred and set everything in motion to this moment, to this realisation.
He could still feel the annoyance of the pulling on his shirt, he didn't want to look away from John Paul, and John Paul seemed in no rush to break the moment. But Sarah's hands were on his face now, pulling it to face her. She was angry, eyes blazing and ranting about her and Hannah going home. He didn't care. Go. Leave. Take Spike with you. Then she was going stalking off after Hannah who had walked on ahead, no doubt she expected him to follow, and part of him really thought he should, it would be hell to have to watch John Paul and Spike all over each other for the rest of the night, so as he turned to make his apologies he was shocked to find he was only faced with John Paul.
"Where did Spike go?" Craig tried to hide the happiness in his voice but he wasn't sure that he did it too well, and John Paul's expression shifted slightly, he looked a little hurt.
"He went home" And now disappointment filled his voice. Craig sighed, he wasn't too sure what to do now. He knew that he should be a good friend and ask what was wrong, let John Paul talk about whatever he needed to. But the fact was Craig knew the subject of conversation would be Spike, and he just wasn't sure if he could handle hearing John Paul talk about how much he liked him.
"You want to walk a little?" The words seemed to fall so naturally out of Craig's mouth, it was all he
could think of to break the silence, and perhaps it would give him some courage. John Paul nodded, a sad smile across his face and he walked ahead, Craig caught up quickly and stood closely by his side. Again perhaps this was too close, but he didn't care this time, it was cold and the electricity that sparked as he stood so close to John Paul sent a warmth through him like nothing he had ever experienced before.
"Did you have a good night then?" Craig tried to sound cheerful and natural, but perhaps it was a bit too much because John Paul turned to look at him with a quizzical expression.
"Yeah, I did actually... it's just..."
Great. Here it was, John Paul talking about how it bothered him that Spike had gone home, questioning if it meant he really liked him and all Craig was going to be able to do was stand there offering fake sentiments. The truth was he didn't care Spike had gone home, he was happy about it, so happy he felt like running through the streets screaming with happiness.
John Paul seemed to sense that Craig had wandered off into his own thoughts, and wasn't perhaps interested in what he was talking about.
"It doesn't matter..." The expression across John Paul's face now nearly broke Craig's heart, all he had wanted to do was talk to Craig and he had made him feel like he couldn't. This wasn't about Craig, this was about John Paul and he needed his friend.
"No come on... talk to me... is it about Spike?"
John Paul nodded slightly "His great. Funny, good looking and we have loads in common..."
Wonderful. Craig nodded, trying his best not to let the overwhelming hatred he felt for Spike rise to the surface.
"But somethings just not right."
Craig nodded again. Wait. What? Craig stopped and grabbed John Paul's arm, turning his body to face his. "What?"
"I think there must be something wrong with me Craig, because he really is everything I should want... so how come I don't?"
"But... I thought you liked him?"
"I do like him..."
"So what... I..."
Craig dropped his hand and let go of John Paul's arm. This was unexpected. He felt for sure John Paul
was about to rant on about how much he liked Spike, how he was falling for him, and instead he got this? The panic was rising again and yet he felt elated, like it was the best news anyone could have ever given him.
"It's just not the same"
Craig had been staring off into space up until John Paul spoke those words, but as soon as he heard them his head snapped to look at John Paul who was now looking down to the ground, his fingers back on his jacket fiddling with the zipper.
What did he mean not the same? Does he mean what Craig thought he meant? He wanted to ask John Paul... he just wanted to hear John Paul's voice again, say anything. Anything.
"I guess I thought, when I met someone who liked me back that would be enough... but it's not..."
"What's not the same?"
Craig's voice surprised himself, but he could feel John Paul moving away from the comment and he couldn't leave anything unsaid here, he had to know.
"What?"
"What's not the same? You said its not the same"
John Paul moved his face and their eyes locked again and Craig knew this was it, this was his chance. He could go running off down the road and back to the pub. Make up excuses in his mind as to why he was feeling this way, blame it on the alcohol he had consumed, ignore all the feelings he felt for John Paul. Or he could stand here with the one person who made him feel like he could do anything, with the person he knew believed in him more than anything, and the person who he was fairly sure he was falling in love with.
Love. Crap. Love. Is that what this was? And why wasn't John Paul speaking? Maybe this wasn't about him... he hoped it was. What else could it be? It's not the same. John Paul said he loved him once. It made sense. He still wasn't talking, just staring at him with those eyes. Those eyes. They drew in him completely. Did he have any idea what effect he had on him?
"It's not the same..." John Paul's voice was quiet, and Craig felt like the anticipation might kill him. "It's not the same as how I feel about you"
Craig felt like each word had been said so slowly, that John Paul had pronounced each word clearly so that there could be no misunderstanding as to how he felt.
What Craig did next was one, either very very stupid and had possibly ruined everything or two was the best decision he had ever made in his life.
His hands grabbed hold of John Paul's jacket and pulled his body crashing into his own. Immediately his lips found John Paul's, this should have felt wrong. So wrong. But it didn't, it felt like this was the place he belonged, like he had been waiting his whole life to do just this. Their bodies seemed to mold into one, and they fit together with a perfection that sent Craig reeling. The shock from John Paul was evident, but it didn't take him long to feel the exact same way that Craig was, and his mouth opened welcoming Craig's tongue in his mouth. And that was it, any small amount of doubt Craig had was vanished.
His daydream earlier didn't even compare, nothing would compare to this kiss, this feeling, the only thing that might would be more kisses like this from John Paul, more moments like this.
He didn't want it to end, but the need for air became too much and he pulled away, his head still so close to John Paul's, their mouths just inches apart, breathes mingling.
"I hate Spike"
"Okay, not the first words I'd imagined after our first proper kiss"
Crap. What had he said? He couldn't even remember and it had only been a few seconds ago. Something about Spike? Why the hell was he talking about Spike now?
Wait. John Paul had imagined this moment before? Craig couldn't help but wonder how he had imagined this moment, he liked the fact that John Paul had been thinking about him like that, he liked it a lot.
"You've thought about this before? You've thought about me and you?"
John Paul nodded shyly "Sometimes... it's all I think about"
Their eyes met again, and the one thing that was clear in that moment more than anything was that the two of them really really needed to stop thinking.