Murphy's Law of Snap Decisions
A/N: Before you read, this is a Sam/John fic, but not in the typical way. It's very suggestive (a very strong T) and while horribly funny (in every sense of that word) it's not exactly fluffy. So if suggestive jokes, double entendres and awkward situations isn't your thing, feel free to skip.
Otherwise, enjoy, and new chapter every few days... i think. (about 7-8 chaps total.)
Sam was in deep trouble, she'd had her share of strange village traditions while a part of SG-1, but this clearly and completely took the cake and ate it too. She'd only agreed to come to this meeting because the potential of finding unmined and easily obtainable Naquadah and Trinium as well as potential Ancient technology meant that it deserved a visit from Atlantis's Commanding Officer. AR-2 had done a great job prepping the natives for their arrival.
Now though, sitting inside the tent of Phreyas of the Binthu tribe, Sam fought her grimace upon seeing the woman who came out from underneath the table wiping her mouth. The fifty-something year old Chief named Phreyas motioned to Sam. "My apologies. I've been a terrible host, would you like someone to release your stress?"
Sam fought, and she fought hard not to burst out laughing or screaming, she didn't know which. She'd learned to try and keep her own culture to herself in situations like this, and despite being disgusted, kept silent about it. Her flushed and hot cheeks told her that it wasn't an easy battle though. "Umm, no that's okay." She hadn't even realized what was happening until a moment ago when Phreyas moaned suddenly and seemed incredibly relaxed. The knowledge of what transpired not five feet away from her was more than a little… sickening.
Phreyas gave her a look that told to his confusion. "Do you not enjoy sexual release?"
Sam felt the laughs building up inside her, but she knew if she cracked, they'd most likely chase her out of the village with spears and arrows. Despite Sheppard's team being right outside, it wasn't something she was willing to risk. "It's not that Phreyas… it's just that… to our people… Sexual relationships are something that are kept private and personal."
Phreyas shook his head, still befuddled. "For a personal relationship I can understand, but your ways are strange. In our culture sexual release is freely given, only love is held selfish. I am curious, Are you betrothed to someone that you cannot partake of our traditions?"
Phreyas had just finished telling her, before his cultural faux pas, that in order to finalize their trade agreement, the leaders of the two parties would either give each other a gift of something personal if they were the same gender. If they were opposite though, they would have sex in order to increase the genetic diversity of the different parties to help the issue of incest among the smaller tribes they traded with. Sam had no intention of following through with that kind of agreement no matter how much Naquadah they'd find, but didn't want to lose the potential technology they had just secured. However, Phreyas had just given her an out, and she had to make a tough choice. "Ummm Yes! Yes I uhh, I am… married." A lie. She didn't even have a boyfriend even though there were prospects. It just wasn't something she was worried about anymore.
Phreyas gave her an unbelieving look. "Really? To whom may I ask?"
Sam smiled nervously, and realized that without some kind of proof, Phreyas would want to fulfill his traditions. She must have some kind of tell, probably the nervous fidgeting and tightening of her BDU's belts and clasps. Sam took a breath, steeled herself and got up. "Yes! He's right outside. I uhh… yes, yes you can meet him." It was ridiculous, but she needed to stall for time. Her only hope was that whatever happened, they could at least get away if needed.
Phreyas nodded and waved to his assistant to open the flaps to the sealed tent.
Sam stepped out into the light and saw Sheppard's team sitting around the campfire chatting with the other villagers. The village was relatively large, and each couple seemed to have their own tent. There were several unused teepee style tents that held little other then a bed. She'd been curious why they were there, and now the gears were grinding. No no! don't even think about.. Gah! The wheels! The wheels were turning in her head!'
Colonel Sheppard's team stood and formed up in a line conveniently for Sam, one by one she scrutinized them. Who could she fake being married to?
Teyla was out of the question, that was a bag of worms hidden inside a rubix's cube, and besides, Sam herself wasn't exactly that intrigued with the idea. The fact that Teyla was pregnant and only here because she could ease tension with the Binthu was just another strike against her.
Rodney might be a good choice, he certainly had chemistry with her, and Sam on frequent occasions thought he was cute or a sweetheart when he actually got up and did something manly. Then again, he had made his thoughts clear from the very beginning. Maybe… no wait, It did happen in another reality! So that was a good point for Rodney… although that had ended badly. Besides, she was just faking it, it's not like they were actually going to do anything beyond a kiss or something. She could tolerate kissing Rodney especially if it meant he'd get adorably befuddled after.
That's when it hit her, Oh crap! What if he wants specific proof we're married!? Sam was willing to give Rodney the benefit of the doubt, but there was no way in hell she was going to even fake proving anything with Meredith Rodney McKay.
Next in the line was Ronon. Big, Tall, Quiet. Much like Teal'c in a way, and she'd always felt safe and at ease with Teal'c. Ronon was different though, instead of the pain of false gods, Ronon felt the pain of being prey, of giving it everything he had and only surviving by luck. Sheppard's comment of 'Luck equals Skill meets Opportunity' fit well for the large Satedan.
He didn't like her that much though, at least not right away. Sam had proven herself to Ronon but she still didn't think he saw her as more than a pencil pusher. That lack of chemistry might tip them off, especially if Ronon couldn't act that well.
Besides that, she really didn't feel anything beyond perhaps a physical attraction to him, Sam wasn't sure she could pull off a convincing marriage with the tall Satedan, although they would more likely believe her as she being a soldier herself, would probably like another warrior. So… a little better than Rodney on a superficial sense, but still not ideal.
That left Sheppard, with his cocky grin, the dark Oakley aviators he wore, and that tussled mess of hair. Sam had always felt a little more connection with him, a simple camaraderie that was more than just teamwork. Sort of like Cam in some ways.
They'd become fast friends, and as far as she could sense, that was it. Looking at him now though, she realized that Sheppard was in fact an ideal fit. The rebel within, the hidden intelligence, the dark past, he had it in spades. It would be believable, and that was the important part.
His constant flirtatious personality wasn't harmful, it was just his way of being nice to everyone, herself included. She recalled her first week in Atlantis where she'd gone to assist Ronon and accepting John's invitation to join the crew in celebrating their return. She'd found John easygoing, and relaxed around these people. Sam easily understood it was his family.
John was caring too, she could see it in the way he led his team, and took the time to make sure each was all right and ready for duty. He showed that same care for her on occasion, always dancing on the blade of within and outside regulations. His risky dance on that razor was about to pay off, God, she thought, please have Don Juan possess John Sheppard …'
Rodney watched in both awe, and rapt horror as Sam walked up to Sheppard with no hesitation whatsoever, wrapped her arms around him, and planted a deep penetrating kiss on his lips. John seemed momentarily stunned, but recovered so fast that anyone who didn't know him would swear it was an everyday thing.
Both Ronon and Teyla seemed a bit taken aback as well, but Sam obviously had a good reason for doing what she did, and even now, as she swung around with one arm hanging off John's waist, his own on hers on the small of her back, John still seemed slightly unsettled to his close friends. Phreyas walked up and scrutinized John. "You are the husband of Colonel Samantha Carter?"
John's face skewed a little, and nodded after a second of thinking. "Yes… Yes I am."
Phreyas raised an eyebrow, and lowered his voice. "Really? Tell me then, what do you love in her that makes you choose her above all others?"
John slowly turned and faced Sam who gave him a wide nervous grin. Her eyes begged him to play along, and John gave her a long stare that said every last razor witted thing he wanted to lash her with, then turned his head to Phreyas. "Just one thing? 'Cause the whole package is pretty intense."
Rodney saw Sam twitch just barely, and again, no one who didn't know her would know it. She smiled in what seemed sincere, and looked to the others. "He spoils me, right?"
Ronon and Teyla looked at each other, made nearly imperceptible shrugs, and nodded. "Uhhh yeah. He's such a softie when it comes to you." Ronon looked to John with a 'what the hell is going on?' look.
Teyla nodded. "I do admit some jealousy." She gave John the same look as Ronon, except a little more subtly.
They all looked expectantly to Rodney now, and Sam's voice in her eyes begged him to say something, anything that would help the illusion. Rodney took a few moments to think, and then finally spoke with a soft yet almost defeated voice. "You know I'm… happy for you Sam." He somehow managed to keep from giving Sheppard his worst evil eye ever, and simply stood there.
Phreyas seemed reticent, and nodded to them. "Yes… I do see a certain… bond between you two. Have you any children?"
They both shook their heads, and Sam pulled John a little closer. "No…but we're trying."
John squeezed her side, both playing the husband, and also punishing her for putting him in this situation. She snickered softly just to cover her mortification and John looked to Phreyas. "Kinda hard to get that kinda time when we're always out meeting new people."
Phreyas laughed, and seemed reassured. "I would say then that we change our agreement to a personal exchange… here." He took off one of his necklaces, adorned with what looked like bluish pebbles. "This is an heirloom of my family, the story behind it is strong and proud, of battle and honor against Wraith… much like the bond I see before me."
John accepted the necklace, and looked at it for a second. Sam whispered into his ear and he raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Huh? Oh… What?! Oh…" He turned to Sam for a moment, now understanding how ridiculous the situation was. He finally stopped staring, put the necklace on and looked to Phreyas. "Exchange huh?
John raised his right arm and after a moment, took off his leather wristband exposing a tattoo underneath. "Here we go. This is an… heirloom of mine, it uhh… symbolizes the life I had…" he looked to his team, and finally to Sam. "…Before I became part of the family I have today. You wear it like this…" He took Phreyas's arm, and put the band on in a similar way.
Phreyas seemed pleased with the addition to his wardrobe. He flexed his muscled arm and rotated his wrist. "I like this… it gives my arm an extra support. Thank you Colonel Sheppard. With that, our trade agreement is complete! Let us celebrate our new found friends and the love they share!"
The villagers around them began to hoot and chant, all stomping their spears and dancing around. Phreyas smiled back to them and calmly extended his hands "I would ask you stay the night, the Ancestral Ring is far and there are many beasts in the forest."
The group looked to each other, and realizing that he wasn't going to take no for an answer, Sam and John nodded, realizing this had just gotten even more complicated "Umm sure, we're be glad to stay for the night."
Just another day in Pegasus.