Everyone wants to feel alive.
[ATHC series. Sequel to Everything fell, but we are still here (And we are suffering)] : Wish Realm. Alexandra reacts to Pinocchio's revelation. And not in a good way. Alexandra/Pinocchio. Past Lily/Alexandra. Nova/Grumpy evoked.
Author's note : So… this story is seedy and sad and weird, and… read the warnings.
Warnings : Depression, existential crisis, unhealthy coping mechanisms, characters death evoked, mental health issues, mental breakdown, cynicism, masochism, and maybe also some smut. There is angst. Some much angst !
Mirror, mirror, on the wall
Tell me who is the saddest of them all ?
Princess Alexandra thinks she is dying.
Well, she thinks this is what she wants to happen.
We are not real.
When she had come back at her castle, her parents hadn't understood the reason why she seemed to be so… devastated.
Months had passed since Snow and Charming had died, and that Emma had disappeared, she shouldn't be still that affected by this, right ?
We are not real, we are not real, WE ARE NOT REAL.
This unique sentence was just turning again and again in her head.
After she had made sure that Pinocchio was okay (aka : after she made sure that there was someone looking after him, one of the fairies, in fact. Nova, if she was not wrong, with her husband, Grumpy, one of the seven dwarfs.), she had decided to come back home, in order to find comfort with her parents.
But it didn't help her at all.
And then, she finally understood what Pinocchio must have lived during the previous months : knowing the truth but not being able to tell it to anyone, since no one would believe it.
And it was destroying her.
We are not real, he told her.
What if he was right ?
§§§§
Now, at every nights, fear was taking possession of her.
The fear of not existing anymore.
The fear of being nothing.
The fear of dying.
It was absurd, stupid, incoherent.
And yet…
And yet, she was afraid that, one day, her world would not exist anymore, that she wouldn't exist anymore.
That none of them would be real anymore, that their world would be destroyed in the end, just as they said it would be.
They were another version of an already existing reality.
They were not the real one.
All they were, well… they were nothing but the fake one.
During the day, it was quite easy for her not to think about it, since she had too much things to do, as the princess of her kingdom.
She had tasks to do, people to see and to who she talked, so yes, she could put away from her these disagreeable thoughts.
But the night…
It rapidly turned out that the night, she just couldn't sleep.
Sometimes, it was even worst.
There were moments where she just couldn't even breath.
The more she was thinking about it, the more terrible and worst it was.
And…
We are not real, we are not real, we are not real.
The sentence was turning again and again and again in her head, even if she didn't want it to do so.
And it was killing her.
If they were not real, if Pinocchio was right, well, did anything still just matter ? Or even meant something ?
And another question was hitting her too, during these nights where it was hard for her to find sleep.
What would happen after their death ?
She had heard of another side, another world, a place where they would find back after their death the one who died, the one they loved, the one they lost.
But, if none of this was real, would there be any other side for them ?
She didn't even know if she really wanted answers to this question.
§§§§
There were nights where she stayed awake for hours, unable to sleep, being tortured by these questions which never accepted to let her in peace.
Nights where it was hard to breath, hard to stay still, stay calm, hard to think about something else than what had became her obsession, where…
We are not real, we are not real, we are not real.
And this other question was invading her mind too.
What she lived, had it been real at all ?
All her life, her memories, her childhood, her friendship with Emma, her relationship with Lily, all these things, did they even happen for real ?
Was she real at all ?
Did she just exist ?
When she came back to see Pinocchio, this one was confronted to a woman with dark rings under her eyes, and with fury in her look.
There was also anger and despair in her eyes, and Pinocchio really felt bad for her, since she was facing what he has just faced not a long time ago : this terrifying fear of not being real.
(Oh, this and also the fact that their best friend was now gone, that their godson was an orphan and that the king and the queen had been both killed by a woman who would never pay for what she did.)
She had went there, in Pinocchio's house – which used to be Geppetto's – since she had nowhere else to go, since he was the only one who could understand her.
Who knew what she was going through.
She had tried to go to talk to Lily, but unlike them, this one was just beginning to move on (after all, Emma's disappearance happened months ago, right ? Maybe it was time to accept that she was definitely gone), and she was… happy.
Well, as much as she could be.
Alexandra just didn't want to ruin it, to ruin her.
And it was what would just happen, if she told her the truth.
Because yes, now, Alexandra didn't have anymore any illusions about it, and she knew that her friend had been telling her the truth, the reality.
And this was ruining her, breaking her.
Pinocchio had told her the truth, had showed her the reality, and had made her understand what a terrible poison these two things could be.
Alexandra didn't want her friend and ex-lover to feel as broken and destroyed as she was just feeling right now.
All she wanted was to protect her, and, if, in order to do this, she had to hid it from her, to hid the truth, to lie to her when she would ask her if she was okay, well, then, she would do it willingly.
Sometimes, ignorance was clearly better than truth, or knowledge, and to know that your world was perceived by some people as being a fake one, as being just a lie, it could be devastating.
They were coming from a freaking alternate reality that some people considered as being not the real one.
And Emma had left them, abandoned them, because she believed it, and Alexandra was beginning to believe it too.
Lily didn't have to know that.
She didn't have to be broken by the terrible certitude of knowing the truth and not wanting to know it, since it could just destroy you.
We are not real, we are not real, we are not real.
Are we ?
Alexandra herself wished that she never did, never knew it.
But her and Pinocchio, they didn't have any other choice, they knew it, they knew the truth.
They couldn't forget, except if they used some magic to do so, but were they really ready to do this ?
All magic comes with a price, after all.
And Alexandra was not sure that she wanted to pay it at all…
So, they didn't have the choice.
They had to live with it.
For now, and since Pinocchio confessed to her what was really going on, they were linked together and forever by this secret – which was not really one, since Rumplestiltskin knew the truth too – and they both didn't know how to support it, or even just how to live again with the weight of truth that had been put on their shoulders.
None of them really knew if they really could do this again, be like they used to be.
They knew they never would.
Since nothing would ever be the same.
Since they would never be the same.
Oh hell, they were so fucked up…
§§§§
Alexandra had come here, not because she had nowhere to go or no one to be with – she had her parents, she still had Lily, Henry, her friends… But they wouldn't understand her sadness, her pain, the horror in which she had been put – but because Pinocchio was the only person she could be angry at.
Because, unlike her, unlike them, Pinocchio had been one of the actors of the tragedy.
(And one of the victims too, of course, but it seemed like Alexandra's spirit, with all the bad faith of the world, just wanted to momentary forget this "detail" which was not really one.)
Not the main culprit, oh no…
But, in Alexandra's point of view and in her twisted mind, which was just looking for a culprit, for someone to blame, it was all his fault.
It didn't matter for her right now that he hadn't known everything, all the pieces of the puzzle, the queen's and king's deaths, it didn't matter that the monster was the queen, that he had done nothing, because she was far away now, and she couldn't be punished for her crimes.
He was the only one who was still here.
Emma was gone, had fled, had abandoned them, had left with the queen – and Alexandra was still not believing that she was thinking this, because hell, it couldn't be true ! – and this, without even looking back, without saying goodbye – they wouldn't have let her go, had she done this. She was their family, she didn't have the right to leave them ! – without hesitating, and hell, did Alexandra hate her for this.
But she was not here anymore, and the princess couldn't even yell at her or blame her for what had happened.
It was the same thing with the Evil Queen, and because of that, the dead king and queen would never get justice.
But Pinocchio…
Pinocchio was still here, and he had helped them escape, and…
(He didn't know, he didn't know, he didn't know, he never knew.
So what ? What does it change ?
I still lost my friend, and the kingdom lost their rulers.
It happened because of him, because he made the bad choice.)
And she knew deep down that he had lost as much as she did, but it didn't stop a part of her from hating him.
And it was stupid, absurd, incoherent.
But hell, did she not care about it.
It was the only thing she had found so she wouldn't become completely crazy and mad because of the pain.
She just wanted someone to suffer as much as she did, and her friend was the only one against who she could do it.
He had told her the truth – and maybe that it was making it less worst if they were not real, then, their sufferings were less horrible. But, on the other hand, it also meant that it completely meant nothing at all. They meant nothing – because she asked him to do so, but she wouldn't forgive him for this.
She pitied him too, of course.
She hated him as much as she loved him.
Conflicted feelings were never easy.
How on hell could she want to punch Pinocchio right in the face and kiss him at the same time ?
She just wanted to feel something, even if it was just pain.
(Yeah, she was not logical at all, but it was this since the moment she learned that their world was not the real one.)
To feel alive.
She had heard a story, the one of this man, this Huntsman, whose heart had been taken from him, and who was freed from his prison after the Queen had been defeated.
The man who couldn't feel anything and who was so desperate because of that, until he got his heart back.
She was feeling like him, in a way.
She wanted Pinocchio to suffer, and at the same time, she wanted him to tell her that everything would be okay – even if it was just a lie – and in the same time she also wanted to comfort him.
She didn't even understand herself anymore.
She felt like she was becoming mad.
She didn't know what she wanted.
"What are you doing here Alexandra ? Pinocchio asked her with a tired tone."
(He was getting a little better now, since he was not alone anymore, since he was not the only one to know.
But it didn't change how wrong he was feeling.)
He looked at her, and just saw darkness.
And there was so much anger in her eyes…
He realized quickly that she was angry at him.
And he easily understood the reason why, since he was one of the causes of the situation.
She sat down.
Confusion rapidly replaced anger.
"I don't know, she admitted."
Her world was falling apart, and she was lost.
The truth was that she didn't really want to think about it.
Present was too much painful for her, for the two of them.
And she realized she had nothing to tell to Pinocchio, not right now.
And it seemed like he was not expecting her to talk.
So, she closed her eyes, and remembered a time where things were much more easy for her.
§§§§
She is just ten years old and this day, she meets a little girl named Lily.
Emma and Pinocchio are next to her, and as her, they are looking with curiosity at the new arrival.
She is Maleficent's daughter, the dragon, the woman who was a villain and isn't anymore, who stopped her former friend and student, in order to make sure her daughter would be safe.
And she is a dragon too.
(Detail.)
Snow and Charming are here too – just as Ella and Thomas, and Geppetto – and it's hard and strange to think or imagine that, once upon a time, these three people were complete enemies.
To become a mother certainly changed Maleficent's state of mind.
It was strange too, to know that these three children would become friends, then.
§§§§
Alexandra is fourteen years old and she knows that she is bisexual.
And she is in love with Lily.
And she is freaking afraid of telling this to her parents.
And to Emma.
And to Pinocchio.
And to Lily, obviously.
Which is stupid, since everything turns good.
For now, of course.
It won't last.
§§§§
Now, she is twenty years old, and she is happier than ever.
Her and Lily are together since six years, and this is not going to end, not yet.
She has no idea of what her life is going to become.
Her and Lily are in love, and it's completely enough for her.
It's an ordinary day, and Alexandra is shivering with excitement because of her girlfriend's presence.
It's a beautiful day, and the princess doesn't want it to end.
They are together, alone, lying on their bed, their fingers interlaced together, and… yes.
It's a beautiful day.
They are naked, Lily's head is on Alexandra's shoulder, and this one is listening to the other woman's breath.
It's a quiet moment that none of them wants to break.
Well…
Until it's done.
Lily turns her head in Alexandra's direction and she smiles to her.
"I think I love you, she tells her."
It's not the first time she says this, but again, Alexandra feels her breath stop and she is smiling too.
She kisses her, and she is sure that this happiness will never stop.
Until it does.
§§§§
Love doesn't last.
It never does.
They are twenty-four years old, and they break up one day, since their love is now dead, even if they stay friends.
Years pass, Neal dies, Emma disappears, the kingdom falls apart and Alexandra feels more and more lost, and without knowing how, she falls in love with Pinocchio in the process.
She has no idea of what is happening to her now.
All she wants is to feel alive.
§§§§
"I don't know what I want, she says."
And it's a lie.
Oh, bloody hell, of course it's a freaking lie !
She bloody knows what she wants.
She is lost.
Alone.
Broken.
(And maybe too much melodramatic too.)
She doesn't want to feel this anymore, to feel broken, hurt and destroyed.
She just wants to feel alive.
Nothing else.
She remembers…
§§§§
She remembers the joy, the happiness.
She remembers her friends, the smiles, the way Lily kept looking at her when they were still together, and her heart breaks.
She remembers the warmth, the love, the way she could fly on Lily's back, when this one was a dragon, the way her kisses made her fly too.
She remembers everything and it hurts.
Because now, it's completely over.
She remembers Lily's breath on her body, she remembers the way she shivered when she was next to her, she remembers hot kisses on her skin.
She remembers the way Lily was making her feel alive, as no one ever did before or after, except Pinocchio or Emma, when they were making her laugh, before the tragedy happened.
Because now, she didn't feel alive at all.
She just felt cold and dead.
She was feeling nothing.
She remembers hands exploring her body, she remembers a mouth pressed on her own and kissing her.
She remembers the kisses, so many kisses, she remembers how good they were making her feel, and…
Feel, feel, feel…
She remembers how Lily and her made love together, and she remembers thinking about how happy she was.
She remembers the pleasure, she remembers thinking nothing, except…
Feeling, feeling, feeling…
She remembers and she realizes that now, to think doesn't bring any pleasure to her.
It only brings her pain.
So much pain, toomuch pain, because she remembers what was once, and what is not and will never be real again.
She remembers and she realizes that she doesn't want to think anymore.
She knows what she wants.
And she knows how to do so.
§§§§
Alexandra is looking at him with fury in her eyes, and anger, and sadness, and madness.
The person in front of him is not his friend anymore, it's someone else.
And, for one terrific second, Pinocchio thought that she may wanted to kill him.
She is standing up again, and her nails are deeply buried into her hands, and it looks like she doesn't care anymore about physical pain.
"You did this ! She finally exclaimed with an accusative tone."
No more words needed to be exchanged between them. They both knew what she was talking about.
"You don't think it, Pinocchio immediately protested. "
Just because he knew that he had responsibilities in the tragedy which touched them didn't mean that he accepted to be accused of being the plague which destroyed everything.
The princess' hands began shaking, and the air of distress in her eyes made the former puppet want to hug her. And he would have done it, hadn't been the look of pure hatred emanating from her.
"You did this ! She repeated, screaming at him, finally releasing this anger she had kept in her since the moment he told her the truth. You helped them escape ! You made this damn wardrobe, you helped them, you helped her ! The queen, the murderer, the monster !
- I knew nothing about what happened or about what she did. And how could I know it ? Emma was here, and she needed my help ! What could I do ? Refuse to do it ?
- You should have waited ! And search for information, instead of just listening to them !
- Their world was in danger and they had to go home ! It had to be quick !
- What about our world, Pinocchio ? What about us ?
- We are not real !
- Of course we are !
- If we were, Emma would be still here, and not in another world, in her reality !"
Alexandra had an ironic smile.
Oh, yes…
Emma.
"Tell-me, Pinocchio… Didn't you ever think that you could maybe, just maybe be wrong ?
The former wooden boy frowned.
- What do you mean ?
- What if Emma was not herself ? What if she had been cursed by the queen ? Because, yes, why would she follow the Evil Queen, the one who killed her parents, and why would she abandon her own son ? What if all of this was just a great manipulation ?"
Pinocchio immediately paled.
No, he never thought about this possibility.
"She wasn't ! He affirmed.
- How do you know that ?
- Because… it would make no sense ! Why would she want to do this ? And by the way…
And at this moment, Pinocchio finally realized something he never understood before.
- Did anyone go to check the queen's cellar ? If she is still there, then, what they told me was true.
And Alexandra realized something else.
- Where is Emma ? Our Emma ? What happened to her ? Did this Emma replace her ?
- I don't know… All I know is that our world was not her world, and that she couldn't stay.
- So what ?
- Then, she made her choice. Because, for her, we are not real !
- WE ARE !"
Pinocchio realized that she was completely denying the truth, she was trembling, and there was fear in her eyes.
The same fear he had felt since the moment Emma and Regina left, and since he realized that nothing made sense anymore in his world.
And yet…
What if she was right ? What if they had been wrong ?
What if they were real ?
§§§§
The fury and the madness were still present in her eyes.
"What makes you think we are not real ? Alexandra asked him again. We are as real as they are ! Just because we are from another reality doesn't change that !We are alive ! And real ! We are human people, we breath, we live, we suffer, we have feelings, fears, hopes. WE ARE REAL !
- Oh, and by the way, what does it change exactly ? Pinocchio answered, now being angry at her too. Will it make our lives be less meaningless than they already are ? Did our lives ever have a sense, even before the other Emma and the other Regina came here ? No ! And now, all of this, you being a princess, being an heir, having responsibilities… Doesn't it seem to be just more useless and meaningless, now that you know that none of this is real ?"
A light of furor suddenly appeared in Alexandra's eyes.
"Dare telling me this is not real ! She whistled, before punching him right in the face with a great strength and a real violence."
A strange noise was then heard by them, and Alexandra rapidly realized that she must have broken his nose.
And she immediately understood something else.
She didn't regret it at all.
It had been just so… liberating to do this, to release this anger she had to keep in her for weeks.
She should have felt guilty, for she had punched her best friend in his face, for no real reason.
But she was happy.
Because she was feeling something.
Something else than this emptiness which had been invading her for so many times now.
But it just lasted for a time, she rapidly realized.
Blood began to flow from Pinocchio's nose, and Alexandra just didn't care.
She couldn't.
The thing which surprised her was that her friend hadn't screamed when she had hit him, despite the pain he must be feeling now.
In fact, he was even smiling to her.
"So, tell me, Alexandra, he asked her with a smirk, does it make you feel any better ?"
He was clearly mocking her, and Alexandra briefly asked herself when the situation had turned this way. She didn't know when they had became so desperate, her, so much full of rage and incomprehension, and him, so much of cynicism.
Emma had destroyed them by her choice, she realized.
Alexandra sent him death stares, clenching her left fist, not succeeding to hid her grimace of pain.
He knew that she was not better now, since he experienced it too, this kind of pain that not even physical pain could heal or make less worst.
Nothing could, apparently.
Was violence the only option ?
For now, yes.
And since he was the only one she could hurt without feeling too much bad…
"You bloody know it doesn't !"
She had hurt him and hurt herself at the same time, and yet, she was not feeling better than before, just as he himself did, when he harmed himself, cut himself willingly, in order to make disappear this feeling of being nothing anymore.
It clearly didn't work.
He bloody knew what she was feeling.
Anger.
Sadness.
Hatred.
She looked at the blood, fascinated.
She had got what she wanted, and at the same time, she hadn't.
She had hurt him, but yet, it didn't seem like he was suffering.
He smirked again, crossing his arms.
He was not even trying to stop the bleeding.
"What did you think exactly ? That I would scream ? You can trust me now, Alexandra, I'm used to suffer. Physically speaking, I mean. And I guess you're waiting for an answer… And a good one…"
This time, he was the one who hit her.
A devilish smile crossed Alexandra's face after that, as if it was just the answer she was waiting for.
She didn't know where this would lead them, but yet, she just wanted to let her anger go from her, and if it was by fighting him, then…
Okay.
So, he wanted to play this game ?
Alright.
Then, they would.
To be continued…
Author's note : So… I didn't intend to make this that long, and if I continue and do this in one chapter, it will be too much long, so… There will be another chapter… And with more angst and smut.