JamesxSirius again. It's a short story written to capture the emotion of Sirius losing James before they had a chance to be together.
DISCLAIMER: I don't own Harry Potter, I merely keep my head in the HP world.
UPDATED July '11.
Remus Lupin slid his arm the shaking shoulders of Sirius Black and hastily brushed his own tears away, afraid to collapse under the strain of his emotions and not be there to support him.
The bodies of James and Lily Potter were in their final resting place, two beautifully white coffins laid side by side at the head of the alter each adorned with a single white rose.
Albus Dumbledore stood on a podium beside them, his own eyes glazed over as he described the life of James and Lily, and how they were the bravest wizard and witch he had ever known.
He looked over at Sirius and Remus and smiled faintly as he began to recall some of the mischief that had occurred during their time at Hogwarts.
Sirius watched Albus speak, his mouth was moving, and his hands were gesturing but Sirius heard nothing, his gaze following Albus' hands to the coffin that held James' body.
His tear streaked face twitched irritably as Dumbledore's words penetrated and Remus' hand gripped his shoulder harder.
"…Everyone who saw James could see how much he loved Lily. Every time she knocked him back he would pick himself up and try again.
As a teacher, it was tiresome to watch, but as a person, I must admit, his determination amused me somewhat.
I was delighted when they finally became a couple, because if two people were ever made for each other, it was those two…"
"You're wrong! You're so bloody wrong!"
Sirius found himself standing after throwing off Remus' arm and bursting with anger.
Remus tried to pull him down but he moved away into the middle of the aisle, staring directly at Dumbledore, tears flowing freely down his face.
"He didn't love her, not like that! You don't know what happened! You only saw what he forced you to see! None of you knew the real James Potter…"
His eyes flicked back to the coffin and his expression softened slightly.
"James…he was…"
Sirius couldn't speak; his throat obstructed all words. He couldn't see either as he closed his eyes and pressed himself against Remus, who had wrapped his arms around his best friend and made comforting noises in his ear.
"He wouldn't want you to do this Siri… not here. Please not here."
Sirius looked at him before fleeing the church, every single person staring after him.
He threw the doors open and allowed the sunshine to stream in, running through the church grounds, wiping every tear that fell, until he reached the spot furthest away from the building as he could.
He collapsed under the branches of a tree and yelled as loud and as long as he dared.
Dead leaves fell around him from the dying tree and he looked up, struggling to stop more tears.
"Damnit James, you bastard."
Sirius drew his knees underneath his chin and rang his hands, trying to shake off the feeling that none of this was real, that everything that had happened was actually the most horrific nightmare he had encountered.
He closed his eyes and pursed his lips, letting out a great breath to calm himself.
"…I don't want this to be happening…"
Remus approached Sirius and crouched beside him. He looked at his broken friend and sighed, his own heart breaking as he saw the despair in his eyes and the hurt etched across his worn face.
"None of us do."
"I just want to wake up, back at Hogwarts, back in our dormitory and in his arms."
"Ah."
"He promised nothing would change after Hogwarts, he promised that he'd tell her everything. Instead he has to go and die for her."
He laughed bitterly.
"Fuck me and fuck off when someone better comes along. Someone who his stupid father would accept."
"Sirius…"
"It was always about his father! 'Sirius I can't, what about my father?' 'Sirius I love you but my father…' every fucking time Moony!…Every time."
Sirius picked up a stray leaf and twisted it in his fingers, letting the edges crumble at his touch.
"I loved him…so much…and he…"
"…Don't hate him Sirius."
"I don't!"
"No…?"
"I just, I wish I could have stopped this. What am I saying! I could have stopped this! This is my bloody fault. I drove him towards Lily just because I'm a guy then I killed him. I killed him Moony! "
He crushed the leaf in the palm of his hand and opened it, watching the pieces falling from his hand.
"It's my fault."
"Don't ever think like that Sirius."
"Why not? It's true. You haven't even denied it!"
He stared at the floor, watching more leaves falling between himself and Remus.
"It wasn't by my hand but it was as good as. I told Peter and Peter…Peter told Him…"
He let more sobs tear through him and pushed his knees closer to his body, attempting in vain to suppress them. His fingers digging into the flesh of his leg through his trousers as self-hatred rose in moved next to him, sensing the anger in Sirius, and manoeuvred each arm gently around the shaking body in an awkward hug.
Sirius, however, clawed at Remus' bare arms, his sobs being screams of rage as he was held back. He collapsed over Remus' arms, pressing his face into the ground as he pulled Remus down clumsily next to him.
"Let me go! Moony let me go!"
He attempted to pull his arms free, kicking his legs out at Remus but hitting the tree every time. He could feel his toes breaking and this caused him to scream out further.
Remus grunted as he felt Sirius' knee connect with his groin but he continued to hold Sirius down.
"He wouldn't want you to be doing this Sirius!"
"I wouldn't know what he wanted since I fucking killed him!"He kicked out again, his shirt ripping with the force of him pulling against Remus' fingers that gripped him tightly.
"Let me go Remus!"
His struggling became weaker and less resistant as the anger began to wane.
Remus tightened his grip until he felt Sirius relax suddenly as he began to sob again.
This time he withdrew his arms from his body and let him cry.
He thumped the floor and cried harder, Remus doing nothing but falling onto his arse and wiping his own tears away.
"He…said…he…loved…me…and…I…killed…him"
Each word was accompanied by a thump to the dirt.
The clouds that had caused such a physical darkness on the day opened up and rain began to fall heavily on them, their clothes becoming soaked within seconds.
Sirius remained with his face pressed against the ground, not moving, while Remus pushed his hair from his eyes and looked up, wincing as raindrops fell into his eyes and mixing with the tears that were still falling.
"James…" Remus started nervously, "James wouldn't have wanted you to …to be like this."
Sirius' response was muffled by the ground.
"Siri…James told Lily what was going on that day…"
He waited for a response.
"You lie about your life every fucking day, why should I believe you?"
Sirius lifted his head, the rain falling down his face, washing the mud off in streaks.
"Because I've never lied to you."
"I still don't believe you."
"Don't then.""What did she do?"
"I thought you didn't believe me?"
"Yeah well…"
Sirius wiped his face, spreading the mud over it accidentally.
Remus looked at him and smiled, the rain becoming heavier. His clothes were wetter than when James had pushed him into the Lake at Hogwarts.
He stood up and held his hand out to Sirius.
"Come and say goodbye to James?"
Sirius took his hand and pulled himself up, leaning heavily on Remus' shoulder as he felt the effects of his recently broken toes.
He gasped as he attempted to put pressure on them and fell back onto Remus, whose arms automatically supported him.
"How do you say goodbye to someone who can't hear it?"
"How can you love someone who's not there?"
Remus' retort struck deep as he recalled the way Lily had screamed at James that day, and how her heart breaking was visible in those beautifully deep eyes. Then her eyes open and lifeless haunted his vision as he led Sirius back to the chapel, both of their clothes splattered with mud, ripped, their flesh bleeding at some part of their body, and both of their hearts broken.
Please Review :) I take all reviews on board for my next story