title: if we stare into oblivion.
author: hiko mokushi.
challenge alias: theravenyard.
rating: m.
word count: 4,123.
warnings: slight language, some sensuality, character death.
disclaimer: i am not the original author or creator of this universe, canon, or characters present. i am not the original singer, songwriter or composer of the song mentioned. i make no claim to copyright, property, or profit.
summary: one minute i was blind, deaf, and definitely not dumb—and the next my sensei's tongue was down my throat. it was a memorable experience.

author notes: written for the "underneath the underneath" anonymous challenge for LiveJournal's kakasaku community.

this was absolutely a blast to write. i haven't written kakasku in nearly a year—it felt like coming home. hopefully, this isn't confusing. i wrote most of it in the early hours of the morning (when i couldn't sleep after finishing essays and lab graphs). the prompt lines were perfect for me, i dunno about anyone else. this is a lot more stylized than i normally write.. which should be obvious, as it's written completely in undercase. (: LiveJournal rubs off on me too much.

and our hearts beat on like a drum
death will inevitably come
we are all helpless to the song
marching us all to our graves
"to the grave" — the pierces.

…inhale.
"it started with a bang."

silence.

"you're kidding me, right?"

"i'm dead—well, maybe that's a bad pun at the moment—but no, really, it did. it started with a bang. one of the kind that break you into little pieces and you've got to reassemble yourself afterwards; but you never find them all, 'cause some are lost in that burning darkness. the kind that leave you blind, deaf, and definitely not dumb—'cause you're screaming, and you can't fucking stop."

"captain, i never knew you could be so theatric."

"comes with the territory. but like i was saying, it started with that bang. one minute i was blind, deaf, and definitely not dumb—and the next my sensei's tongue was down my throat. it was a memorable experience."

"wait, wait." a pause. "this is supposed to be the story of how you became a chimney. not how you and hatake got together."

"it is. it's both. they are one in the same."

"oh."

"can i continue?"

"please, by all means. not like we're going anywhere."

"excellent. so, this bang—"

…embers.
sakura came to with a violent shudder. pains like needles shot through her body as she literally arched off the ground and drew her first ragged, rattling breath. the air burned going down her throat and she broke off, coughing, teeth knocking painfully into something hard. her eyes watered, tears streaming down her cheeks, and she tried to peer above her—but it was obscured. even with the black and white spots floating in and out every time she blinked, and the way her head swam, she could tell there was something hovering over her. with a sudden fright, she pushed at the dark mass, her body visibly shaking through the coughs.

whatever it was backed off, withdrawing quickly.

she managed to lift herself enough to turn her head, retching, coughing blood like black tar.

"sakura.."

she struggled onto her side and pressed her palms to the ground, locking her arms to brace herself. her stomach was empty, but she continued to heave, gagging on air as she breathed. faintly, she was aware of the voice that called her name, of the hand that pressed a comforting warmth into the space between her shoulder blades.

something trickled down her forehead, the side of face, and onto her shoulder. she supposed it might have been blood, but the burning in her throat seemed more important. head swimming, her eyes fluttered and she wavered on her elbows, the black and gray shadows around her fluttering in and out of focus.

the pain was like fire. and it was everywhere.

"sakura, please, look at me."

after a few agonizing, silent moments, she glanced up. the face in the dark flickered, but registered vaguely within her memory. she struggled with the effort, but recalled how to move her lips and roughly managed to mutter some semblance of kakashi's name.

he laughed, breathlessly. hands seized her shoulders and he pulled her to him, kissed her full on the mouth. there was nothing romantic about it, nothing terribly moving, just a fierce press of skin to skin. but she felt sluggishly shocked nonetheless, felt something twist. inside her. he repeated her name as he pulled back, resting her forehead against hers, and clutched her tighter to his chest, arms surrounding her.

sakura wondered how she'd ended up in his lap.

kakashi pressed his lips to her forehead gently, rocking. he murmured silently, brokenly, and sakura realized that in the ebb of her shudders, he too was shuddering. her arms felt like jelly, but she lifted them weakly to press her fingertips to his cheek and they came away glistening damply.

it was all so disconcerting.

sakura lost track of the time they sat like that: kakashi on his knees, clutching her to his chest, while he cried into her hair. her hands framed his face, fingertips lightly resting against the folds of his mask as she fought the fiery burn in her chest when she breathed. something rustled before her, in the darkness, a shifting shadow. shikamaru was twitchy, playing with something between his fingers, messing with the ties of his flak jacket.

"we're still on enemy ground, kakashi." he glanced over his shoulders quite a few times before continuing, "we should leave." he paced the opposite direction, punctuating a turn with a quiet, "if you're finished."

sakura's eyes followed him silently in the gloom. she wondered if he was using some technique to blend with the darkness. or maybe it was just her vision wavering, creating the mirage of shikamaru flickering in and out, the shadows bleeding into his skin and clothes.

kakashi sighed, nodded, and her hair fluttered. "how far away are they?" he sounded hoarse, but calm.

"a few kilometers, but we should leave. now."

"can you walk, sakura?" he drew back, lightly brushing a wisp of hair from her eyes, cradling her face.

with a whisper, she answered, "i don't know. i can't feel my feet."

he nodded again. "up you go, then."

her stomach churned as he picked her up. she coughed when the pain in her chest flared like a wick, and kakashi glanced down at her sympathetically. sakura let her breathing go shallow to keep from aggravating the injury. blood rushed to her head again, and the world around her spun and wavered. kakashi said something, to her, to shikamaru-she didn't know—his mouth moving beneath the mask. but whatever it was, was lost on her, she couldn't hear. it was too distant, too echo-like.

everything went black.

…hold.
"bullshit. you stepped on a mine, and you lost your pinkie toe?"

"that wasn't the message you were supposed to get out of the story. can't you take anything seriously?"

"sorry, i've heard of people losing a foot—but not a toe. it's kind of funny."

"try walking without it, it's an odd sensation. you have to relearn everything; balance, placement, pace—losing a pinkie toe can really fuck with your perception of things. it's more difficult than you'd think. i walked with a limp for a month or so."

a breath.

pause.

an exhale.

"that's disgusting, you know, blow the smoke in the other direction. but how does it this figure with you and smoking? you get blown up, revived by your sensei—whom you then make out with—and then decide to destroy your lungs? sorry, it makes no sense."

"it would, if you'd shut the fuck up and stop interrupting me. i'm not finished."

"no need to be snappy, princess. you mean there's more?"

"i said it started with a bang, not that it was caused by one. it's a long story, you think you're up for it?"

"we're stuck in a foxhole, i think i'm alright."

"alright then."

…burn.
he opened the door on the seventh knock.

"it's sort of raining, you know. and 2am."

a heartbeat passed.

"does tsunade know you're here?"

she bit her lip, fingering a lock of wet hair. "not exactly."

kakashi sighed and stepped away from the door, beckoning her inside with his fingers.

sakura, as calmly as she could, walked purposefully into the man's house and then stood there, unsure of what she should do. when she'd planned this out, she'd never taken into consideration what she would do after. the entire scenario had ended with her knocking on his apartment door. coming here had seemed like a good idea at the time, but now looking back, she wondered if she hadn't been just a little stupid. the vantage point from a hospital looked particularly bleak—at least she understood why kakashi never lingered.

"i'm sorry," she said then, turning to glance at him over his shoulder. the light post across the street flickered in the rain, casting odd shadows on the man's half-covered face. the familiar twisted feeling she'd grown used to over the last week resurfaced. "this was a mistake. i apologize."

"you're soaked. you're not going back in the rain." kakashi shut his front door and made for the bedroom, not bothering to notice if she followed him or not. she didn't. he returned a few seconds later. he handed her tattered, long-sleeved shirt and faded drawstring pajama pants. "i'll take you back tomorrow."

words caught in her throat as she accepted the clothes, but in the end all she managed was, "you wouldn't happen to have a blow-dryer, would you?"

the man paused. "no..."

"oh. i'm not really supposed to be getting this wet."

slowly, sakura lifted her left leg and wiggled it a little, the thick wraps visible over her hospital slipper, stained and waterlogged. kakashi took a deep breath and walked out without a word. she stood in his tiny foyer quietly, listening to the steady sound of rainwater dripping from her clothes and hair to pile on his clean, champagne carpet. big mistake, biiig mistake. she'd worn out her welcome the minute she'd pulled him from his sleep.

she was drawn from her musings when kakashi waved a roll of bandages in front of her nose. "go change," he order, not unkindly. "then i'll rewrap your foot."

sakura nodded dumbly and stumbled into the bathroom, using the wall for leverage.

she still wasn't used to her new way of walking. the world felt as though it were at a slight tilt, a tiny change in axis enough to send her off kilter. if she kept from falling, she still stumbled, and still she limped even when she walked with a cane. after removing her dripping hospital ensemble (a pair of loose-fitting scrubs she'd stolen out of the laundry before she'd left—she'd be damned if she walked the streets of konoha in nothing more than slippers and an open-backed gown), she dried herself with a hand towel and slipped into kakashi's warm clothes. they were heavily creased and smelled musty. she figured they'd been collecting dust in one of his drawers. she hiked the left pant leg up before stumbling into the hall again.

"over here," kakashi called to her from the couch, and patted the spot next to him. he'd brought a blanket and a spare pillow; they sat on the ground beside his feet.

she stumbled toward him, eventually perching where he motioned. carefully, kakashi leaned down and lifted her bad leg, settling it gently upon his knee. when he started to cut away the ruined bandages, she held her breath. finally, kakashi muttered, "were you ever going to tell me what happened?"

sakura wearily shook her head. "it's not important."

"you nearly died, sakura. you would have if we hadn't been so close. seems a little important to me."

"i stepped on a mine, kakashi. that was how it happened. it's done, it's over with. let it go."

she could tell he struggled to keep from snapping back at her. she was sure he had some sort of thick-barbed retort ready. maybe it was how pathetic she looked, clad in his old hand-me-downs, broken and bruised on his sofa in his neat little apartment. maybe it was because she'd recently almost died. maybe it was because he just couldn't bring himself to be bothered. kakashi regarded her silently for a moment before sliding a finger down her bruised, now bare foot. she twitched away, but the pain was only a ghostly impression. there were twelve stitches where her fourth toe sloped down to meet the side of her foot—a spot where her pinkie used to sit. the skin was black and blue, tinged with purple. tsunade had done the surgery herself. the stitches would come out in three weeks.

"why were you there?"

kakashi hmmed and glanced up, left eyebrow rising, hidden by the silver hair that fell over his face.

"so close to me." sakura glanced away and watched the hands of the clock in the corner of the room move. "that night. no one was supposed to be around. why were you there?"

there was no hesitation in his words. "i was watching you. i do that now and again. it used to be my job. i fall in and out of practice."

"bullshit!" she was angry now. "you don't watch naruto. is this because i'm a girl? because-"

"i don't care for naruto the way i care for you," he interrupted. he tied the bandage with strong, sure motions and then patted her knee. "you were always special, sakura. don't make me regret it."

there was nothing sakura could think to say to him, nothing that didn't make her sound twelve again. she was an adult, but she felt a child, scolded for misinterpreting the class lesson. her mouth remained shut as he gathered his med-kit and prepared for bed again. when he wished her goodnight, she nodded mutely, face pressed sideways in the pillow. he'd even tucked the blanket around her, careful not to touch.

shortly before dawn, she wobbled her little nine-toed waddle into kakashi's bedroom. when she half-gasped half-sobbed his name in a whisper, he pulled back the comforter. sakura crawled between the sheets, mindful of the ghostly pain where her toe should have been. she shoved her face into the crook of his shoulder and clung to him, cried without tears into his bare chest and paid no attention to his lack of a mask. he pressed close-mouthed kisses onto her forehead and the bridge of her nose, stroking her hair away from her face gently.

the sun was rising by the time she fell asleep, but kakashi favored a dark room and the blinds were closed expertly to block out the day.

…exhale.
"...what did happen?"

"i wasn't with my usual squad. usually i got paired with either kakashi or naruto, if not both. that time, i got a rookie and trigger-happy fool. i wasn't leading. which was the first mistake. i could have made it work, but by the time we realized our team leader had led us into a minefield, there was no getting out again. i don't even remember their names. neither of them lived."

"and hatake got you out without getting hurt? that's hard to believe."

"the man's magic. he's lived through some of the worst mission scenarios and near-death experiences i've ever seen. if we could bottle his luck, we wouldn't be in this war."

" did you love him?"

"i had always loved him. he was my sensei since i was twelve. whether or not i was his student didn't matter anymore. i'd loved him like a father, like a brother, like a friend. loving him one more way didn't seem much of a change. i'd never loved anyone like that, but i knew i did. it was just a different kind of love. that forever kind."

"did he love you?"

"yes. or i assume with certainty, at least. he didn't say it much—the man isn't much for talking or grand gestures. he acted affectionate, he acted loving. the times he verbalized it were few and far between. but when he did, i never questioned it."

"how romantic."

"don't get sarcastic. you wanted the story."

"he's over a decade older than you. i know some girls go for that middle-aged thing, but didn't the elders have a fit?"

"if they said anything, it never got back to me. i'm sure they had words. kakashi always did do his own thing. not surprising."

"you gotta light another cigarette or are you going to continue, capt'n?"

"you're a dick."

a chuckle.

"guilty."

"well, shut the fuck up."

…smoke.
it didn't take long for sakura to realize that kakashi made love the way he fought. effortlessly. fiercely. wildly, at times.

'passionately determined' was what he called it.

there was no skin on her body his hands didn't touch, no space where he didn't press his lips.

fourteen years older than she, he knew every button to push and every motion to make. he'd rile her up until she was as taut as a bowstring, then pluck her like an instrument. he'd continue until he evoked the exact sound he wanted; the pitch, the vibrato, the tenor. he'd have her singing or screaming, depending on how his mood and method of temptation. he could pull whatever he wanted from her. he took her to new heights and let her crash in the waves until she felt as though she could have died. not that she remembered how that felt.

but there were moments when kakashi eased up, and the passion abated; when he simply enjoyed her.

they were the moments she loved the most—when he let her top, when he let her lead, when he moved so slowly she could feel every ripple of his muscles beneath his skin, ever tiny twitch inside of her, every bead of sweat drip along his collarbone or between her breasts.

it was one of those moments, the sweet, gentle moments—she was sure that was when the child was conceived.

she remembered the moment; it was burned into her brain. she faintly wondered if kakashi had known it was different too.

he'd cornered her late one evening at work and whispered such naughty things in her ear until she'd relented; come home early. he'd driven her crazy by settling such a lazy, slow, torturous pace she thought she'd tear her hair out. he moved so gracefully, without thought or hesitation. nothing had been better or worse than the haze of sensitivity and pleasure he'd worked her into. when she'd finally come, she'd ripped open the skin across his shoulder blades with her fingernails and screamed herself hoarse. throughout the entire thing, he'd never taken his eyes off her, never strayed from the singular idea that seemed to be 'make sakura scream.' he'd whispered that she was beautiful, that she turned him on so much and looked so gorgeous when she did that, that he'd never had anyone better than she and that she was hishishis forever. he told her he loved her more times than she could ever remember him saying it before.

if that wasn't enough to conceive a child, she didn't know what could.

sakura stared at the little pink plus on the pregnancy test in her hand and drilled her fingertips on the porcelain of the toilet thoughtfully. if only she knew how to tell him.

…ashes.
"sir, please, calm down."

between the two of them, they should have had the man already pinned and strapped to the bed. unfortunately, tonight didn't seem to be their night.

shizune walked forward, toward the disturbed shinobi, her hands held out before her in what she believed was a comforting manner. the man had been poisoned, and from what they could gather without blood tests or chakra analysis, he'd been poisoned. he was now hallucinating and everything he saw was a potential threat. he was creating a problem for the staff.

when he first came in, it had been simple things—refusing to allow one of the nurses to draw blood, or check his blood pressure. he'd punched the wall a few times and even given a doorjamb a nice crack. it wasn't until he'd taken a swing at one of the first-year nurses that she'd come running, black eye already bruising, to the two most experienced medics on the floor.

as sakura readied the sedative, shizune took her chances at getting her arms around the male without getting walloped.

the man swung at sakura instead and knocked her off her feet. lifted her into the air. threw her back. she hit the wall with a sickening thud, head cracking hard enough to send stars into her vision. she rolled onto her side and coughed up blood.

dimly, she was aware that shizune had abandoned the flailing ninja and ran to her side.

"c'mon, sakura-chan," her fellow whispered into her ear as she dragged the pink-haired medic forcibly from the room, into the hall. "you're okay. you're okay. you just hit your head. you're okay, right?" she tried to give her a quick check over as she propped her against the wall, but sakura pushed her hands away.

in slow-motion, sakura slipped her hand into purple scrub pants and rubbed at the skin of her thigh.

she choked back a single, hysterical laugh as she pulled her hand out of her bottoms and stared at the red slick coating her fingers. it morphed into a sob within seconds and shizune cradled her against her while they sat, huddled in the hallway.

…repeat.
the young ninja looks up, eyes shining. "did you ever tell him?" he asks in a quiet voice, as though even he shouldn't be asking this question.

sakura glances away.

her hair is shorter now, cropped close to her chin again, and she's got a dirt smudge across her chin that looks days old. there's no mirrors in a war zone, no need for looking pretty. she hasn't bothered attempting to clean up or even get a proper bath in weeks. when she glances back, she almost looks ashamed, but there isn't any tentativeness in her reply. "no. i couldn't ever figure out how." she gives a short, brittle chuckle and then shakes her head. "it's been nearly a year."

her subordinate has that pitying look in his eyes, but she doesn't even care anymore. "don't you think he'd want to know?"

"probably." sakura shrugged and shifts in the dirt, trying to stretch her kinked back in the depth of the foxhole they've been lounging in for the past six weeks. "i tried thinking about how i'd tell him. but all the shit with cloud started, and i could never find a good reason. i'd barely been pregnant three months—i hadn't even begun showing yet. why should i cause him pain, more pain? we'd never talked about having children. hell, we weren't even married. half the ninja community still thought he'd taken advantage of me. sometimes, i wonder if it was a blessing."

"how can you say that?"

there are tears shining in her emerald eyes as she watches a bird fly overhead. it is picked off with a well-aimed kunai and plummets to the ground before it has time to cry out. "if i had stayed pregnant, i wouldn't be here. and kakashi would still have been called away. and i would have ended up raising a child, not knowing if its father was coming home. if we were even going to win the war. i wouldn't ever want to bring a child into a situation like that. i don't know now if i'd be a good parent."

the ninja opposite her sighs. "did you want to have kids? or did you just accept it?" he plays with a shuriken, spinning it on his middle finger. "do you think you'll try again?"

"maybe, when i was little. i haven't thought about it since i was a child. i don't know if i could raise a child on my own." sakura glances into the shadows at the edge of their hole and waves the tiny creature forward. "no, i don't think i'll be trying again."

he walks with a limp, but pakkun crawls into her lap and rubs his nose into the fabric at her stomach, eyes weary as he looks at her. "in my pack—sakura, he—"

"hush, i know." her hand meets his head and he sighs into her touch, gazing at her with sad, tired eyes. "it's okay. everything will be okay." smoothing the fur between his eyes, sakura tells him to close his eyes, to get some rest—he looks like he's going to protest, but she says they'll talk when he wakes up. he's such a good dog, he deserves a respite. there is something that chokes in her voice and she bites her lip until she can taste her blood. it's a comforting pain, and she licks at the tiny cut distractedly.

"it's starting again." her subordinate points to the sky, lighting faintly with flashes of varying brightness, accompanied by the occasional boom of an explosion. "i think it's closer this time."

she sighs, one hand on the tiny pug huddled against her and the other clutching her pack.

the other ninja glances back at her as she lights one, inhaling deeply, the burning paper flaring up angrily and making her look decades older than her twenty-four years. she tosses her head back and blows smoke into the sky, where it dissipates quickly. "capt'n, do you think we're going to live through this?"

sakura flicks the tip and watches where the ashes fly, caught in the air. "let me tell you a story. it ends with a cigarette.."

finis.