No…
No…
This couldn't be happening…!
Light's eye was twitching rapidly, his hand clenching down on the edge of the cupboard door. The polished oak recoiled under his fingers, the pure, unadulterated fury radiating from him reducing the inanimate object to a quivering mess. The handcuff on his wrist was shaking violently. In front of him, mocking and unforgiving, was the pantry. The pantry that had previously held Light's last bag of potato chips.
Which were gone.
Potato chips were his life. His soul. His very existence depended on those chips.
And SOMEONE had eaten them.
Kira's wrath was going to pale in comparison to his.
L was hovering tentatively behind him, gnawing violently on his thumb. The idiot had chocolate smeared all over his face, even in his non-visible eyebrows, reminding him that his food hadn't been abducted.
"Light…kun?"
Light slammed the cupboard shut with enough force to shake the entire kitchen.
Children cried.
Dogs barked.
Couples everywhere started divorcing.
L was sprawled facedown on the floor, unconscious. Light kicked his broken body once, just for good measure. He proceeded to stomp out of the kitchen, hauling the detective unceremoniously behind him and dragging him across the floor as he seethed.
"TASK FORCE, ASSEMBLE!" he shouted to the entire room, and everyone scurried over, looking very, very afraid, even his father.
"Now," Light said, taking a deep breath and trying to contain his rage. "There appears to have been...a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad crime that has occurred right here in headquarters."
"Mogi," Mogi offered. "Mogi, Mogi-Mogi."
"No, Mogi," Light reprimanded, waving his finger at the older man and tsking. "Bad Mogi. Go back to work."
Mogi nodded dutifully and sat down. The rest of the task force gaped at him, completely immobile. Watari walked in with a sharpie and drew mustaches on their faces before cackling and skipping out of the room.
Light took another deep breath. "Someone, one of you, has...eaten my potato chips."
Matsuda peed his pants in fear.
Aizawa's afro deflated and hung limply around his face.
"Light, what's so special about a bag of chips?"
Light turned, theatrically slowly towards his father, the Jaws theme mysteriously playing in the background. He advanced towards Soichiro, whose hair was turning grayer and grayer by the second.
"Did you eat them, dad?"
"N-no, sir."
Light narrowed his eyes. "Pinky swear?"
Despite his terror, Soichiro raised an eyebrow.
"I won't believe you if you don't."
They pinky swore.
Light's gaze swept around the room.
"If you admit to it now, you may be spared," Light offered kindly.
No one moved, not even Matsuda.
This was so not going according to his keikaku.
L groaned suddenly from his place on the floor, eyelids fluttering open. Light rounded on him, the soundtrack switching to the theme from Psycho.
"L! You're smart! Who ate my chips?" Light yelled. He grabbed the detective's shoulders and began shaking him violently.
"Liiiiiiiiiiiiiiiggggggggggghhttttttt-kuunnn, you hurt me," L cried, turning into chibi-form with tears streaming down his face. Light flopped onto the floor, apologizing at the cuteness before him. Suddenly L poofed back to normal, wearing a Sherlock Holmes-esque deerstalker, smoking a pipe, and clutching a magnifying glass. The Inspector Gadget theme was emanating from somewhere.
"We shall find the culprit!" he declared, jumping to his feet. He and Light ran out of the room, the rest of the task force frozen in place save Matsuda, who scurried off to change his pants.
"Mogi," Mogi said suddenly.
Back to the Dysfunctional Detective Duo:
L was on the ground, sniffing away at the floorboards, while Light dusted every visible surface for fingerprints. They were currently in one of the spare rooms, that no one had ever entered ever.
Neither of them noticed the figure lurking in the shadows, doing the villain hand-rub-thing that no one actually does in real life. He was dressed in a trench coat and fake evil mustache. Stuffed in his pocket was...LIGHT'S BAG OF POTATO CHIPS!
L sniffed loudly, causing Light to whirl around and race back towards the detective. L pointed his face in the direction of the scent he'd caught.
"Winner winner chicken dinner." Light gave him a Scooby Snack and immediately frolicked in said direction.
The mysterious figure gasped and immediately spouted a giant nosebleed when Light faced him. He stepped out of the shadows, causing the murderer-who-doesn't-remember-he's-a-murderer to squeal like a girl. A manly girl, of course.
"Who the mu are you?" Light squawked attractively.
The man ripped off his mustache and did a L'Oréal hair flip because he was totally worth it. "I am...MIKAMI TERU!"
Light looked a bit confused.
Mikami snapped his fingers like a diva. "Oh, shoot! You aren't that far in the series yet! Oh, well. Carry on."
Suddenly, Light spotted the bag of chips half-hidden in Mikami's pocket. He started foaming at the mouth and scrambled to grab them. Unfortunately, Light was still scrawny from living off of saltine crackers and diet water as his magazines recommended for a sexy bod, so Mikami easily held him back with one hand.
"Ah, ah, ah," he reprimanded. "I'm here to make a deal."
Light seethed. "What kind of deal, you chip-stealing monster?"
Mikami tried not to be offended. "Well, I'll give you your chips back...on one condition."
"...All right. What condition?"
Mikami took out the scrumptious bag of chips and held it out. "You can have these if...you promise to go out with me."
Cats yowled.
Teenagers were angsty.
Even more couples divorced.
"WHAT? Why the HELL would I do THAT?"
Mikami's lip trembled pitifully. "B-but...please?"
Light wavered. Sure, he might be stuck with a creepy albeit sexy albeit probably-a-total-spaz/weirdo boyfriend forever, but at least he would get his potato chips.
"Light," L said in earnest. "If you accept his offer, I will be forced to arrest you as Kira."
Light bitch-slapped Mikami at the speed of Light, who flew threw the wall, past the task force (who still hadn't moved), circled around the shinigami realm and hit the edge of the abandoned warehouse with a crash.
"Ooooowwwwww," Mikami whined several episodes over. He shook his fist at the sky in contempt and complained loudly.
Light didn't care. While Mikami had been busy destroying plot lines and months of artwork, he had accidentally dropped the potato chips. Right at Light's feet.
"SUCCESS!" Light hollered, scooping the chips up delicately into his arms, shojo sparkles erupting from nowhere.
L plodded over in awe. "What should we name it?" he whispered, gently reaching out with intent to touch the shiny plastic casing.
Light smacked his hand away. "We?" he asked incredulously. "Uh, excuse me, mister I-didn't-help-you-raise-him-at-all. Where's my child support?"
L shrugged. Light sniffed haughtily. They pranced back to the main investigation room.
When Light entered the room, bag of potato chips nestled proudly in his arms, cheers, whistles, and applause greeted him. Everyone rushed over, cooing.
"Aw! He's got L's eyes!" Matsuda exclaimed.
"What the hell are you insinuating?" Light frothed, but got over it quickly. He couldn't hold a grudge now.
This was the moment. The one he'd been waiting for. Soon, he was about to be reunited with his one true love. He shooed everyone away and opened the bag of
chips with finesse.
...
...!
"Oh dear," said L.
The bag. Was. Empty.
Inside was a little sticky note that said,
Haha, bitch.
Love, Raye Penber, still haunting your ass.
Light's roar was heard for miles around.
FIN