"Conviction"
Rating: PG
Spoilers: Through early Season 9, particularly "A Tangled Webb" part 2
Keywords: Harm/Mac; hints of romance; Mac POV
In that moment, I wanted him. Completely.
Not just for sex. With Harm it would never just be sex. I wanted all of him. Body, soul, whatever he was willing to offer. And all I had to offer was my heart.
I don't know what it is about him that I've been drawn to all these years.
Well, I know what I've been PHYSICALLY drawn to. But emotionally...I'm not so sure. He never lets anyone get too close. I've probably been closer than anyone else in the last few years, but there are so many things that he would never allow me, or anyone, to know about him.
Still I love him, like I've never loved anyone else in my life.
If I were to be perfectly honest, I've loved him from the beginning. He put everything on the line to protect my uncle, who he didn't know, had never met. For all his faults, his stubborn arrogance, I know that he's the man I want to spend the rest of my life with.
I'm just so tired of waiting. And lying in that hotel bed, so close to him, I really thought that maybe the waiting could be over.
Talking to Maria Elena at the club actually made me think. Harm is a very good man. I know that he has always wanted me to be happy, even at the expense of what he wanted for his own life.
Maybe it's for the best that we were interrupted...that we're always interrupted. I know that if the planets were ever to align and Harm and I made it work, even for one night, there could never be anyone else for me.
I know that because I've tried to make other relationships work, with Dalton and with Mic. I even planned to marry Mic. But it was never right. If Harm hadn't crashed in the Atlantic that night, I would have probably found an excuse not to go through with the marriage. It would have hurt. It would have hurt Mic, but I wouldn't have been able to marry him, Not when I couldn't give myself to him completely.
In my head I know that what I told him the last night in Paraguay is true. We're too competitive with each other, and always have been. A relationship would never really work.
I just wish I could convince my heart.
End