Title: Borat Goes to England
Author: whatamidoing11
Rating: PG-13
Character(s)/Pairing(s): Borat
Summary: After much praise from his country of Kazakhstan for what he did in America, Borat sets out for England with his wife and brother.
Disclaimer: Some language
Shortly after returning home to his homeland of Kazakhstan with his new wife Luenell, Borat Sagdiyev learns that his report continually plays on television throughout the country. His town has received a plurality of press and there has been pressure on the Kazakh Ministry of Information to send Borat on a mission to another country to film another documentary that "benefits the country of Kazakhstan". Borat has just been informed that the ministry will send him to England once again to "make benefit glorious nation of Kazakhstan.
The camera starts with a Borat's head taking up the entire camera lens and speaking very raucously and annoyingly. "Hi again! My name-a-Borat and welcome back to my glorious Kazakhstan. I have learned lots from my trip to the US of A and now I am very happy I go now to U of K to do more research. I hope to do interview with many famous people who will teach me of their foreign ways. I lost my Pamela in the US of A so Borat must find another woman to make sexy time with other than my sister Natalya and wife Luenell."
Borat moves into the living room to introduce the camera to the rest of the family. "Dis my wife Luenell, she a little big but I do not care." Luenell smiles genuinely towards the camera. "My sister Natalya still number four prostitute in whole of Kazakhstan so I like, a lot." Borat proceeds to make out with Natalya. "Dis my retarded brother Bilo, he not supposed to be out of cage but we have decided to put him on leash for the trip. We still not sure how to get rid of his retard but maybe the gypsies will fix him." Bilo waves awkwardly to the camera from inside his small cage. "We bring my wife Luenell so we can have sexy time, it is vereh nice, I like a lot." The three of them proceed out to the wagon, which will take them to the airport. They are met with cheers of their townspeople who wish them well as they enter their car lugged by two donkeys. Only Borat's neighbor, Nursultan Tuyakbay does not cheer as he stands on his porch scowling at Borat and his family. "My neighbor Nursultan, he no enjoy that I have new IPad and American wife. He only has IPod video, which everyone knows is for little girls." They proceed to ride off out of the town as Bilo screams from his cage. The children of the town chase the wagon as it pulls away into the distance.
The scene switches to a map of the world and the plane flying a path eventually reaching London, England.
Arriving at Heathrow Airport Borat cautiously walks off the plane followed by Luenell holding a leash attached to the neck collar of Bilo. The three make their way out towards a cab where they meet their cab driver Yuri who looks foreign. Borat immediately see this and excitedly says "Hello! My name Borat, I am glad to meet Kazakhstani like me. How long have they held you captive in their country?" Yuri responds in a perfectly normal English accent, "I've actually lived here my entire life, my family is originally from Israel however."
Borat becomes very quiet and slowly retreats to the back of the cab with Luenell and Bilo. He then very quietly whispers to Luenell, "The gypsy Jew is back, what do we do. Should I throw him money so he will stay away." Luenell chuckles a little and responds "Oh baby this man is nothing to be afraid of he is just giving us a ride to the hotel." Borat gets a little less nervous and says to the cab driver, "Will you be able to cure my brothers disease? He is retard and will not change back to normal?"
Yuri responds, "Son, you know that if your brother is mentally ill, he should be taken to the hospital. I'm just a cab driver, I don't know what is wrong." Borat is now in complete disbelief and turns to Bilo, "Bilo dis gypsy cannot make you normal." Bilo replies in a very deranged voice "Where mother? I need drink and she only one who can do it." Luenell, knowing that Bilo is still breastfed, comforts him with guarantees of all the milk he can drink when they get to the Hotel. As the cab pulls up to the Hotel, Borat quickly pitches Yuri money and runs out of the cab tightly tugging Bilo behind him. Luenell (understanding cultural norms) apologizes to the driver and follows them up to the room.
The Kazakh Ministry of Information has gotten them a suite in downtown London for their stay. As they enter the room, the hotel serviceman spots Bilo's cage and immediately informs the three that animals are not permitted in the hotel. "It is ok," replied Borat, "Bilo just retard", pointing to his younger brother. The hotel manager looks in utter astonishment but eventually accepts it and leaves them to get settled.
After settling into their lavish dwelling, Luenell advises that the group sleep, as they have to interview London Police commissioner Adrian Leppard in the morning.
The next day they arrive at the Wood Street station and Borat and Bilo sit down with Leppard as Luenell waits patiently outside. "Why would the U of K allow retard to be leader of army?" Borat initially asks. "I'm not quite sure what you mean", replies Leppard whose eyes remain fixated on Bilo's neck and leash. "Why", inquiries Borat, "does the police allow a leper to be in control of them. In Kazakhstan we keep lepers and retards in cages so they do not escape and give us all disease." "No no" Leppard replies almost in disbelief of the question, "My last name is Leppard, I do not have leprosy. We would never cage any person in England or the United Kingdom for being ill or different"
Borat responds immediately, "Well maybe not cage but definitely chained up like Bilo here." He then turns to Bilo pats him on the head, says "good boy", and presents him some grass to eat. Leppard looks back and forth between the cameraman and Borat and asks if he is serious. When Borat responds "yes, vereh much", Leppard abruptly stands up and walks out leaving Borat there with Bilo, lethargically chewing on the grass.
Borat then proceeds to go to the house of legendary comedian John Cleese to conduct an interview on the importance of comedy for a country. While Luenell and Bilo return to the Hotel, Borat begins his one on one Q and A.
"You may be famous comedy man, but I vereh good with comedy too." "Alright", responds Cleese, "lets see what you've got."
" I like to make-a-sexy time with my wife…. (Pause), NOT." Borat laughs at his joke while Cleese kindly chuckles. "What else do you have", asks Cleese. Borat thinks for a second and replies, "Plagues is the best way to get rid of the unnormal people in the world."
Cleese becomes dismayed, "Was that a joke? Because it wasn't funny and terribly offensive." Borat finishes laughing and becomes confused that Cleese is not laughing with him. "Because the unnormal people should not be allowed to be like us." Borat replies, attempting to clarify what he said to Cleese.
"Yea I got that," replies Cleese, "but that wasn't a joke. That was cruel." Borat looks perplexed himself and stares at Cleese making him uneasy. "That was not joke, just funny when it happens." Cleese then attempts to explain comedy to Borat. "When one does comedy, he must understand that it is inappropriate to make fun of death or people tragically dying. We can make fun of people and ourselves but it must all be in good fun. Not to purposely hurt someone's feelings." Borat appears to understand it and Cleese allows him one final opportunity.
"My brother Bilo think he normal like us, but he retard so we keep him separate so he can't hurt people." "Once again", Cleese responds, "that is terrible. Judging from what I have heard from you in this interview I cannot tell if you are joking or not. You can't just call your brother mentally ill in a joke." Borat now becoming profoundly puzzled, "He actually retard but I make fun of him in good fun."
"I don't think you understand comedy at all", utters Cleese, "you should stick to reporting, even though I'm not sure you're very good at that either. You are rude and have terrible manners" "No no", Borat exclaims, "I vereh funny and make great report." Cleese subsequently snatches Borat's notepad that only has stick figures of birds attacking his brother Bilo in a cage. Cleese, disgusted, threatens to call the cops if Borat fails to leave. Borat looks dejected as he trudges from Cleese's house back to the hotel.
As the sun sets Borat explains to the cameraman that today failed to go as he had planned. As he enters to the hotel room, he notices Luenell breastfeeding a sleeping Bilo on the bed. Borat situates Bilo in his cage, and, too tired and depressed for "sexy time" with Luenell, falls into a deep sleep.