Note: This has been written piece by piece over the last four years, and greatly reflects the state of my existence during that time. There are a lot of horribly unhappy things ahead of you if you've clicked this story, and I will post each chapter with its own warnings. Pick and choose if you like, they are all stand-alone pieces.

Disclaimer: I do not own Trigun or its characters, and make no profit from writing this.

Warning: The chapter contains extremely graphic child molestation and violence.

The First Time

It was dark, and the floor against my face was so very cold. Somebody was talking, ranting above me; I tried to open my eyes. I grasped my head in pain, half my face was swollen and thrumming with warm pricks, a bruise already forming. That eye would not open. I pushed myself into a sitting position, to meet a thick rubber toe, that slammed me back to the floor. I hugged myself, and began to cry, I was so confused. "Rem! Rem!" He kicked me again, in my mouth. I could taste copper, and could feel the warm trickle on my chin, my mouth was full, and I began to choke. Coughing, I spat my blood as far away from myself as I could, and he began to laugh.

"Rem isn't here, she isn't going to protect you. Stop your crying, stop trying to make such a fuss out of this, shut up and listen to me." I didn't stop crying though, so he stomped on my fingers, and twisted his boot. When I tried to scream, he swooped over me, and lifted me by my throat. "The harder you make this for me, the harder I'll make it for your brother."

OHMYGOD why hadn't that occurred to me? For a second, I went utterly rigid with fear, staring with my one tear and blood smeared eye into his, and I wondered, had he already done this to Vash? I didn't think so, and I didn't want Steve to hurt my brother like this, so I stopped sobbing, and said, "Yes." That was all it took.

He dropped me, and I hit my knees with a thud. He made some vulgar comment I didn't at the time understand, and while I steeled myself for another blow, clenching my eyes and jaw, Steve wrapped his fingers in my hair. For the flicker of a second, Steve's hand caressed my scalp, but then his fingers dug in, clenching the back of my head. I heard his zipper, and heard him fumbling with something (my only dim chance at redemption, and I sat there with my eyes closed) then he thumped his hand against my face, not hard. When he did it again though, by my mouth, I realized it was not his hand. First, there was the smell. Musty and human, sweat dried in short hair, trapped up in several layers all day, the most sickening stench in my life. Hands aren't round, either. So, though I had an inkling as to what my have been happening, I opened my eyes and looked first at it, small, poking out of a bush half its height, Steve's other hand on the base of it, holding it out to me, and then I looked up at him, as he swayed back and forth, his eyes cold and severe.

"Well, don't you know what to do now?" He giggled joylessly. I felt more confused than the entire night prior, unable to remember even how this had begun. I shook my head to the negative, and Steve laughed. He removed the hand from his balls, and grabbed my chin tightly. "This is the most important thing you'll learn to do in your life," he rasped at me as he shoved a finger in my mouth.

Instinctually, I bit. This earned me an ear-boxing, and as the world spun and I was so shocked every sound came in on waves, Steve hooked his finger around my cheek and I opened my mouth wide. Then his cock was in my throat, his hands on my head and upper back, and the whole while he spoke to me, some words choked, some in rage. "You better not fucking bite me. Vash wouldn't bite, he's so much smarter than you are, knows what to do for his own good. You can tell anyone you like though Knives, tell anyone at all that you sucked me dick. Tell them how much you liked it. Nobody would ever believe you, if you told them about this. And you know what, this isn't even illegal. You aren't a human. So tell your Rem. She can't do anything. Tell your brother what you let me do to you, he'll be so disgusted." And then he would laugh some more.

My mouth would fill up with blood and something thicker, saltier, and he wouldn't let me breathe. I had to swallow all of it. This went on for some time, Steve laughing and berating me, me acting as though none of it was real, nothing was real, and Vashu was safe. Then I threw up. All the blood, and the way he was forcing my body, holding me and shaking me and fucking my face, invading my throat, and talking about everything…. I almost choked to death on my own vomit, and that could have quite potentially been the best thing to ever happen to me, but it didn't. He pulled away, with a scowl, and let me retch for several seconds. He took my shirt from me, and wiped himself with it, laughing again. Then, when I began to pull myself up on hand and knee, he was behind me ripping my pants down. I heard him spit, felt one hand on my hip, then felt him leaning into me.

Absolute terror.

What the hell could he be trying to do? But I knew, of course, I knew-there was only one thing he could be doing, and in that moment, I begged.

"Please let me go, let me go please I won't tell anyone, I'll never tell, please let me go Steve I'm so sorry…"

"You're going to like this Knives. It's you or your brother." To my eternal shame, I still begged him to stop, even though I knew what he'd do to Vash. It didn't matter though, Vash was the more loved, Rem would have known, Steve wouldn't have dared, but I didn't know that then. The begging amounted to nothing, he crammed himself up inside me fiercely, and I howled. Though he was holding me, I tried to buck away from the pain, so severe, and succeeded only in landing in my own sick. He didn't stop, didn't even laugh now, just held me as tightly as he could, and shortly, whenever I cried out or screamed, he would smash my face into the floor, the side that was already soft and swollen, so I tried to stay quiet.

All said and told, it couldn't really have lasted that long, but my memory stretches it. Maybe it was thirty seconds, maybe it was ten minutes, and though it will be an eternity to me my entire life long, I am inclined to think it took the better part of an hour.

Committing this horrendous act, Steve couldn't maintain a hard-on. Position me however he would, and bang away however hard, he didn't come. At length, he pulled away from me, and wiped himself with my shirt again. I tried to run. With a sickening glee, he pounced for me like a cat, as I began to cry and scream again, and this time, as I struggled and tried to turn around and bite him, tried to scratch at him- anything- he came. He slammed my head into the floor, leaned on me with all his weight, and rammed into me several times very hard, and then all about collapsed on me. His breath against my throat made me sick, his body against mine made me sick. I could feel the bile and blood cooling against my skin, as he smeared it into me further. Finally Steve stood up, and looking around, giggled again.

"You better get this place cleaned up Knives, the next time they come down here to check on the Plants, you don't want them to find you like this, do ya? And he left me, with the open and staring eyes of all my the Plants, all my own kind, on the ship.