Get around this
It was all his fault and he knew it and he hated to admit it and he...and he...Sherlock gripped the dark curls of his hair tightly and pulled at the lightly, just trying to release a little frustration. John was gone. John was gone...He had done something stupid and irreversable and he was gone...
You and I, we had it all.
He had left Sherlock all alone...'no.' His mind told him, 'you left him first.' Sherlock could almost imagine it. Sitting here in 221b Baker Street, in the same chair John likely sat in for the last 3 years, Thinking the exact same thoughts that Sherlock was now thinking. 'hesgonehesgonehesgonehesgone'
I wonder why, I let it fall.
There was this pugnant, revolting regret blooming in his chest and sucking life from him. It was his fault. He had let John think he was dead. he had let the love of his life, His only love, wallow in grief and heartbreak all alone- well, there was Mycroft who had been looking out for him, but he doubted that his brothers presence changed the fact that he had felt alone.- He had murdered John. wether he had meant to or not. He had murdered John by jumping off that roof...
I don't know why,
He shouldn't have done it. The thought persisted itself in the back of his mind and Sherlock kept seeing it over and over and over and over and over and over...John. laying in that Hospital bed. Watching him slip further and further away, Having got the text from Mycroft that John had swallowed at least 30 pills. John had looked at him with these glassy eyes and smiled. smiled at him. Then, just moments before the Cardiac Monitor made that horrible, horrible, gut wrenching noise...He had said "I love you."
I make this hard for you.
"I love you." Clear and strong as if he'd said it 3 years ago. He thought Sherlock was an illusion...a halucination...Sherlocks attempts to convince him to 'Hang on' and 'don't you dare let go' were in vain. He didn't believe it. He didn't believe Sherlock was really there. He didnt think that Sherlock was there with him...His heart began to beat weaker and weaker by the second. "i love you too. I always have, John but you...you can't-" His voice cracked and Tears rolled down his cheeks. John made a weak attempt to brush them away. "why are you...crying..? We'll be together...f-finally..." "no, John we won't. I am here. right here and now, i'm right here!" John gave a sad look...Slipped further away...and then slipped right out of Sherlocks hands...
And if I go, and get it back,
3 weeks. It had been 3 horrible and hurtful weeks since the day at the hospital- Since he had kissed Johns lips for the first and last time in 3 years. The wounds wouldn't heal or close and no case could distract him from the pain of losing John. Nothing took his mind away from that painful loss. Like losing a limb, He felt it down to his very core. "I-i'm sorry! S-so s-so-sorry..." He sobbed the words every evening. Holding one of Johns jumpers in order to remember him. "If i could take it back..."
Apologize, for all I lack!
weeks and months rolled by and Sherlock lulled into a dull routine. Nothing was exciting anymore. He lived, Solved puzzles...Saved lifes. He saved lifes for John. Because John would want him to. John would want him to help people, He'd always wanted him to use his gifts to help people...He should have done it to begin with. Now John couldn't see him help those people. The only thing remotely keeping him sane was the nightly texts he sent to Johns mobile- wether he would recieve those messages or not was irrelevent, vaguely, he realized this as a stage of denial, but the whole point of denial was not to accept it and so he didn't.-
saved a little girl today. Murderer killed her mother and brother and was coming back for her. wish you could have been here. Hope you come back soon. Went and got milk...I love you, always will...John- SH
Would you be there, to take this heart?
A whole year. It had been a whole year. as of today, at this hour...it had been a year. He sobbed to his hearts content on Johns grave. He sobbed and clung to it and sent repeated texts to the man who would never answer.
I miss you- SH
I miss you so much.- SH
I'm so sorry and you'll never know it. You'll never know how much you mean to me, John...I can't function or live properly without you. theres no meaning- SH
John...?-SH
John, please answer- SH
God...please, John, I miss you. Come Home.- SH
OF course you wont...I know that. But I dream it sometimes. Funny I never used to have dreams.- SH
I love you. -SH
I want you back. I want to kiss you and apologize and Hold you and never let go...- SH
I need you.- SH
I can't do this.- SH
Would you do anything at all?
How much more time could pass before he simply stopped working? Before his body and mind refused to handle this abuse? Half a year passed and he had long since relapsed back into the drug use. How long would it be before he OD'ed like last time...and this time never woke up...? He knew John would hate it. He knew john would hate if he ever found out about the drugs...but he couldn't find out could he? He was dead. he only did it because he could see John again this way.
Take me back to yesterday,
He could see John this way. Feel his touch and lips and his skin and Hold and Kiss and love him and John was there and...then he'd fade and Sherlock would be even worse than before. It never changed. the pattern was recurring. everytime he thought he couldn't get lower, He did.
Tonights text message just said
i'm sorry- SH
I swear it on your life,
almost two years now. Almost two whole years had passed. Sherlock looked like a skeleton, gaunt and pale and sick...Mycroft came by the morning of the 2nd year...and scoffed at him. "emotions are weak, brother, You know this. I warned you. Now look at you."
Sherlock had promptly punched him in the mouth hard enough to chip his took and fracture his hand.
I'll stay on the short side,
come back, John- SH
Please, John.- SH
I'm sorry.- SH
Forgive me, please, love...-SH
Don't keep killing me like this.-SH
no...It's me. I'm killing myself like this. falling into ruin because I can't function without you. Without my John- SH
I love you. more than anything else and...soon maybe i'll see you again. If I deserve to Go to the same place as you.- SH
I'll stay on the short side.
it was familiar. The scene of the Concrete from the top of Barts hospital...
Take me back to yesterday,
He texted John.
If you can forgive me,
I love you. I will always love you, John Watson.-SH
I will, stay by you only,
He couldn't tell if it was the cold rain or the tears that blurred his vision. He didn't know why it all seemed so...cold. as he stepped up on that ledge with his phone and dialed the number just for memories sake. So he could hear the answering machine play like he had done many times before, To hear johns voice.
Though if, you can forget,
Only it didn't go to voice mail. Johns panicked voice answered "Sherlock!" Sherlock froze in place. Muscles going ridged.
We can get around this,
"Sherlock don't you dare jump off that ledge!" He saw the taxi pull around the corner and John scramble out of it- all so familiar...
Get around this, get around this,
"Sherlock! Talk to me! Answer me you prick!"
Get around, we can get around this,
"John..." There were tears and it was heavy in his voice...He stared down at john just the same way he had that day 5 years ago...only now his eyes were wide and his heart aching terribly.
Get around this, mess.
"why...?" John rushed up the stairs to the roof blindingly fast all the while listening to Sherlocks erratic breathing. "don't you dare step off that ledge Sherlock Holmes!" John burst through the door and threw down his phone. "John..." His mind was screaming a millon things at him.. "alive...you're alive..."
Now you can go, you can leave.
"i love you, Sherlock. I'm sorry that I did that. It was Selfish. I wanted you to suffer, and you have...please...don't do this. I should have thought it through more and nothing like this will ever ever ever happen again just...step down off that ledge..." He looked at Sherlock desperately and sherlock stared back with wide, shocked eyes. "I saw you die.." John nodded. "and I saw you die, too, Sherlock..."
I wouldn't blame, you for a thing.
Sherlock stepped down off the ledge and walked slowly to john, Running his fingers over the contours of his face. Refreshing his memory. Then he pulled him close to his chest and the two of them stood there in the pouring, ice cold rain and cried together with smiles. "i'm sorry." "So am I."
I acted like, I never should.
"I love you John..don't ever go anywhere ever again, i'm never letting you out of my sight, ever again." John laughed.
Take me back to yesterday,
"I'm never going anywhere ever again Sherlock...If you can forgive me."
If you can forgive me,
Sherlock Shook his head and Kissed John deep and passionately. "I did worse to you John...I love you. I want you back with me, forever..."
I will, stay by you only,
The rain wasn't as cold and bone chilling when they were there, Holding one another.
Though if, you can forget,