Speeding Cars
She rings the bell a few times, urgently, and doesn't wait for an answer before she starts rapping on the front door, crashing her knuckles hard onto the solid surface.
"Hey, Steve, you still here?" she yells and tries to sneak a glance inside the house through the living room windows, hoping she's not too late.
Finally, there's some movement inside the house and moments later the door swings open. He's dressed in green fatigues, holds a simple black bag of toiletries under his left arm while cradling a bunch of towels to his chest with the other one. He looks about ready to go off and fight some war and Kono wants to punch him in the face for that right then.
"Hey Kono, what's going on?" His brows furrow in misplaced worry. "Did something happen?" he asks, ready to drop everything and save the day.
Kono almost smiles at the absurdity of the situation.
Instead, she takes a deep breath and tightly clenches her hands to fists. It's all she can do to stop herself from slamming them into his already bruised face. She's angry at him. Furious. She knows it's all born out of worry and fear. But she gladly lets the blind, wild anger take control. Because she can deal with the anger. She's not sure if she can handle the fear.
"Danny said you're taking the week to do some kind of drill with the Navy," she states, her voice is cold, making her words sound like an accusation.
The worried frown on Steve's face melts into one of confusion. "Yeah," he says and starts walking back into the living room. "Yeah, it's mandatory for all reservists. To make sure everyone's fit for duty. Just in case," he adds with a casual shrug and tosses the bag of toiletries into the travel bag that is sitting on the couch. Kono walks up behind him as he tosses the towels on top of everything and zips up the bag. Ready to leave.
Ready to jump off another building. Ready to run in front of another speeding car.
Not if she's got anything to say about it.
"That so?"
He turns around to face her, frowning. Again. He does that a lot lately.
Steve opens his arms wide, a gesture that is meant to calm her down. Pacify the anger he doesn't seem to understand. But it has the opposite effect on her. It's making her even more angry because… how can he just pretend that what he's doing isn't stupid and irresponsible?
Like jumping off a building. Running in front of a speeding car.
When he comes closer and starts asking her what's going on, she can't hold back any longer and plants a fist into his chest.
He gasps in pain and looks at her in shock. He doesn't understand. "What the hell, Kono?"
It was a soft blow, despite all the anger. She was holding back, there was no force behind the punch. Normally, he wouldn't have even flinched. But he's hurt and so moves back and curls his arm protectively around his chest.
She raises an eyebrow at the instinctive gesture. "There. You can spare yourself the trip. You're clearly not fit for duty."
"Kono," he says and trails off, like he doesn't know what to say.
"You didn't tell anyone else, did you?" It's not really a question, she knows he didn't. If Danny knew, they wouldn't be having this conversation. Trust Danny to mother-hen anyone into submission. Even Steve.
Trust Danny, Kono thinks and wonders why Steve didn't tell him about his injuries.
Why did he tell her?
"Tell who what?" he asks, feigning confusion. He used to be better at this. Pretending. But he hasn't exactly been on top of his game lately. It's hard to pretend that everything is okay when it's clearly not.
When you're jumping off of buildings. When you're running in front of speeding cars.
It's self-destructive. Like doing a drill with cracked ribs.
Kono knows he's not confused about what she meant. He's playing for time. Maybe he's hoping she'll just drop it if he keeps at it long enough. And maybe rookie Kono would have, at some point. Rookie Kono, who put the boss up on that pedestal. Because he was her hero. Because he was indestructible. But that was before. He's still her hero, but now she can see the cracks.
"About your ribs," she states as calmly as she can. "You didn't tell anyone."
He shrugs again and it looks like the little movement hurts. "It's not that bad," he claims, contradicting everything she can see with her own eyes.
She punches him again. Drives her fist again into the already abused ribs. She barely touches him, but he hisses in pain nonetheless.
"Yeah, it is," she says matter of factly.
He's holding his chest where she hit him, breathing heavier than before. "I know what I can handle, Kono, I'm fine," he says and Kono almost laughs at that. He could be missing all four limbs and still insist that he was fine.
He could be jumping off a building. He could be running in front of a speeding car. He would still insist that he is fine.
She just huffs and shakes her head in disbelieve. "Yeah, right." Her voice heavy with sarcasm.
"Look, Kono, I gotta do this sooner or later anyway," he explains. "And it's the only chance I'm gonna get in a while to spend some time with Cath," he adds and Kono wonders if she's noticed that he has changed.
How could she not?
"Wow, she must be really something if you're going to put yourself through a drill with cracked ribs just to spend some time with her." Kono bites the insides of her cheeks, because that came out wrong. This isn't about Catherine or his relationship with her. It's about him doing something stupid. Again. But he doesn't get that. He doesn't want to get it.
Steve frowns at her again. But it's a different frown this time. He's angry now, but that's good. Because she rarely sees any real emotion from him anymore. He's always so… distant.
"What, are you jealous, Kono? Is that what this is about?"
He doesn't mean it and she knows that. He's deflecting. Trying to put her on the defensive. Trying to make this about her. Her weakness.
She ignores him. "You know what I think? I think you're running away."
"Excuse me?" There's more anger in his voice now. His jaw is set thigh and he just stares at her. And Kono hates the way his cheekbones are sticking out and how hollow his face looks. How his eyes almost disappear in the dark circles. She wonders how long this has been going on. When all this started, because he doesn't look like the Steve McGarrett she met over a year ago on the beach. He's just a broken shell.
Someone who jumps off of buildings. Someone who runs in front of speeding cars.
So much has happened. So much pain. It's hard to say when it all started to eat away at him. But she noticed it a while ago.
"Just take a look in the mirror, Steve," she says, her voice is softer now and she wonders how she could have been so mad at him. How can she be angry when he looks so… broken? "You're exhausted. You don't sleep, you don't eat and…" she trails off as she feels a heavy sadness settle deep inside her. It's getting harder to breathe. "We've all noticed. All this shit that's happened to you. All the betrayal and all the hurt-"
She chokes on the last word. How could she be this arrogant? Thinking that she can just come here and… what? Fix him? Just like that? Say the right words and he'd no longer want to jump off of buildings, no longer want to run in front of speeding cars?
It's naïve and stupid.
"Kono," he just says and his voice is barely a whisper, pleading, begging her to stop talking, because he's trying so hard to push it all away. She knows. He puts everything in neat little boxes and pushes them far, far away, buries them, hoping everything will somehow just go away. But it doesn't.
"And now Lori," she says, more to herself than to him. And it's right in this moment – when he flinches at the mention of Lori's name – that she realizes that there is always something more. More pain. More guilt. Every day, the weight on his shoulders gets a little bit heavier.
And she feels like there's nothing she can do about it.
"You're blaming yourself for Lori leaving."
He's not saying anything, but he doesn't need to. It's all over his face. The question, who else, Kono? Who else would be to blame for this if not me? It's right there in his eyes.
"I know it's pointless for me to tell you that it's not your fault, but… it's not."
"I gotta go," he says all of a sudden and grabs his bag.
Kono knows she has to let him go. Because she can't fix this. Can't fix him. He needs to get out of here, escape for a few days. Be with Catherine. Do the drill with his cracked ribs. Numb the raw, emotional pain that took up residence somewhere deep inside him with some real, physical pain.
It's a coping mechanism. Just like jumping off of buildings and running in front of speeding cars. It's not right. Not healthy. Self-destructive even.
But there's nothing she can do about it. Nothing to make it better. She doesn't know how. He's broken and there are just too many pieces. Too many for her to put back together again. But she will find a way. They will. The team. The family. They will find a way, together, to fix this, to fix themselves. Because when he is broken, then so are they.
But for now, she has to let him go.
He walks past her and waits by the door. Kono slowly follows him. "Take care of yourself," she says and leaves, hoping he's not broken beyond repair.