The problem with Connor, Abby mused, was that he was too trusting. He believed everything she told him, even when she was outright lying to him. She'd often told him that she was brave, that she wasn't scared of anything, and he'd totally bought it. She'd overheard him bragging to Duncan about how "his" Abby was the bravest person on the planet. He was wrong of course, there were some things that utterly terrified her, that left her nearly paralyzed with fear, but Connor didn't know that. She hadn't wanted to embarrass Connor in front of his friend, but she had sat him down later when Duncan had gone home and had another talk with him about calling her "his Abby."
"We're just pals, Con. I'm just not interested in you like that, okay?" And that was another blatant lie that she'd been telling for the past two and a half years, one that Connor seemed to believe.
He'd looked down at his feet and nodded, "Sorry, Abs, it's just… sometimes I think we're more, you know."
"Well, we're not."
"At the very least, you're me best pal, Abby."
"At the very most, you mean, but I will consent to that."
"Best pals," Connor repeated with a grin, "Can I get a hug from me best pal?"
Abby laughed and nodded and gave him a hug. He clung to her a little longer than was acceptable and she had to push him away, but it hadn't seemed to faze him at all.
That had all been a few weeks ago though, and Abby had noticed something recently. Connor was becoming more open about his feeling for her. He was telling her that she was beautiful almost every morning and he'd even told her that he loved her a few times. Granted, he'd spoken it like a joke, ("Abby, I'll love you forever if you cook spaghetti tonight," he'd said only a few hours ago) but Abby knew that that his excessive use of the "L" word over the last few days was intentional. And last night they'd had to talk, again, when he'd told her quite seriously that if she ever did change her mind about dating him, he'd be up for it.
And it was all those little things he kept doing to show her how much he actually cared that had Abby running scared. Abby wasn't afraid of dinosaurs, or pain, or even death, but when it came to matters of the heart, she was petrified.
And it was that fear that drove Abby to do what she was doing now. It did bother her that Connor would probably end up getting hurt in all this, but he'd get over it soon enough, she convinced herself; he'd move on and find someone better than she was: someone who actually deserved his affections.
She glanced around the pub, eying up any guy that appeared to be single to see if he would suit her needs. She knew that if she told anyone at all what she was doing, they would tell her it was an idiotic idea and she needed to get psychiatric help, but it couldn't be helped. She was searching for an abusive boyfriend.
She needed a boyfriend, because she wanted Connor to finally understand that she was adamant about her rejection of him. It was her way of finally getting him to realise they were truly just friends. She wanted an abusive boyfriend because she wasn't willing to take advantage of someone and use them like she was about to do, unless they truly deserved it. Besides, the reason she was so scared of Connor's affections was because she was scared of love, period. She didn't want anyone that might actually upset her when they wound up leaving her. With someone abusive, there'd be no emotional ties. Abby wasn't scared of abuse or physical pain, only emotional. After all, she was used to abuse. It was normal, familiar, and not scary. It wasn't the first time she'd sought out such a relationship, but it was the first time in many years. Really, it wasn't so different than people who cut themselves, she reasoned in her mind, it was just a different way of inflicting a pain that could help her forget about what really hurt, even if Connor hadn't actually hurt her, yet. She ignored the warning bells going off in her head, telling her that, while it wasn't much different, both were wrong and crazy.
She studied the men at the bar carefully, watching their mannerisms and the way they spoke to her when they offered her drinks. She'd know the right guy for the job when she found him; she'd been with enough of them to know the signs.
/
It was nearly three in the morning when Abby arrived home with her new man. She'd settled on a guy named Shane Reginald who she'd seen slap a waitress. Now she opened the front door nervously. This was the part she wasn't looking forward to, letting Connor down. She might have been too scared to tell Connor she loved him, but she did, and she hated to hurt him.
Connor was still up, waiting for her, when she arrived. "Abby! Where've you been?" he demanded, and she knew he'd worried about her. He halted in his tracks when he saw the man at her side and smelled the alcohol. "Abby, you're drunk!"
"I'm not Connor, I only had three, but he is." She nodded at her new boyfriend, whom she hoped would remember they were going out come morning.
"Who is he, Abs?" Connor looked confused.
The man answered for himself, "I am Sir Shane Reginald the Third, or maybe the Fourth, I can't remember just now, and I am the boyfriend of this hot Lady Abigail who stands beside me."
Abby looked up at Shane, avoiding looking at Connor because she couldn't handle seeing what was written on his face. "C'mon, Shane," she said, "let's get you to bed. You can get to know Connor in the morning, when you're sober." She grabbed his hand and led him toward her bedroom. She then ordered him to wait there and shut the door, finally forcing herself to look at her best friend.
His face was pale and she saw the shocked hurt in his eyes. "He's not really a knight, you know," Abby said, not knowing what else to say, but feeling like she had to say something. "That's just the drink talking. He's a photographer. I got that much out of him before the last few beers."
"I'm more concerned about the word boyfriend than the word Sir." Connor responded dryly, finding his voice again and not even bothering to disguise his upset tone.
"Don't mess this up for me, Con," Abby said, once again lying to him, "I really like him. He wasn't drunk when we were hanging out earlier and he accidentally had a few too many trying to get up the nerve to ask me out. Just… don't judge him until he's sober, yeah?"
She saw Connor quickly mask his emotions, for her sake, as he nodded. "Fine," he promised, kissing her cheek, "Goodnight, Abby."
"Night," she whispered back. She waited until he had gone upstairs before she burst into tears. She hated how she'd hurt him. For that reason alone, she deserved to be abused, she reasoned. She wiped her eyes and made her way back to Shane.
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The next couple of days had Abby doubting her judgement. Shane Reginald seemed to be actually treating her with respect and she hoped she hadn't selected wrongly. She told herself that he was just behaving because it was a new relationship. After all, she'd seen him hit that waitress. Connor mostly avoided everything when Shane was there, she noticed. He lost himself in his video games and ignored everything around them. Abby tried not to worry about him.
When the abuse did start, it was verbal only at first. He told her he wasn't sure why he was dating her as she was clearly not good enough for him. Abby sighed, if she wasn't good enough for Shane Reginald, then she definitely wasn't good enough for Connor Temple. She just wished Connor would realise that and finally get over her. He was still tiptoeing around them both, and he'd resorted to shooting her these sorrow-filled puppy dog looks every few moments. They were becoming harder and harder ignore.
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"Are you really going to wear that out?" Shane asked Abby when she entered the room. She was wearing a bright red spaghetti strapped dress that flowed lightly to her knees in what, she thought, was a rather flirty design. She'd matched it with red sandals and she wore red lipstick, but her purse was black to match the thin black ribbon tied at her waist. "You look like a prostitute." He concluded.
Abby froze and glanced at Connor. She hadn't expected Shane to insult her like that in front of him. All her exes had kept their hurtful words (and fists) to themselves when others were around. She saw immediately that Connor was furious and about to lay into Shane. Thinking fast, she reached up and kissed Shane passionately, throwing Connor off. Then she grinned at him, "Thank-you. I appreciate the honesty. I certainly don't want to go out looking like a prostitute; I'll go change, yeah?"
She turned to her bedroom, and to her surprise, Connor stood and followed her. "Abby, can I talk to you in private a moment?"
Abby hesitated. She knew Shane would be angry if she accepted, but she couldn't say no. She nodded and ushered him into her room, shutting the door behind them.
"Abby, he's wrong. You look beautiful."
Abby smiled at him, "Thanks, Con."
"Wear what you want, Abby. You shouldn't change just because he didn't like it."
Abby shook her head, "It's okay, Connor. I am wearing what I want because what I want is for my boyfriend to think I look nice."
"Your boyfriend," Connor spat the word out like it hurt him to say it, "Should never have said that to begin with. It wasn't true, you look absolutely amazing."
"It's none of your business, Con." Abby replied firmly. To be honest, she hadn't wanted Connor to see Shane speak to her like that and she definitely didn't want to discuss it with Connor. The last thing she wanted was to have to justify her actions to him.
"It was well rude of him."
"Again, none of your business."
"Sorry," Connor muttered. He flopped down onto her bed, "It's just… be careful, Abs. I know you don't care what I think and I know you want me to stay out of it, but… I don't like him, Abby. I just don't want you to get hurt."
Abby sighed, frustrated. She'd been with Shane for over a month now, and Connor still cared far too much about her. "I can take care of myself, Con," she snapped. "Now please, just leave so I can get changed, yeah?"
Connor nodded, but before he left he gave her quiet smile, "Okay, Abby. I'll trust you, but don't forget, you're always beautiful to me."
Abby smiled back and gave him a playful shove toward the door.
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She'd been right. Shane had been angry that Connor had wanted to speak privately with her. She told Connor the bruise on her neck was nothing more than a hickey, but she'd seen the look on his face and knew he didn't believe it. 'It's about time he figured out when I'm lying to him,' she mused, but the thought of losing Connor's trust had in tears on and off throughout the day. Only when none of the other ARC staff were around though of course.
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Once the abuse had started, it grew worse rapidly. She always denied it to Connor, telling Connor that she'd done something in the field or during kickboxing class, but she knew he worried. He started going out of his way for her, treating her like she would break at any moment. He'd started doing all the cooking and cleaning and he'd even become respectful of Shane. Abby had a feeling he was trying to keep Shane in a good mood for her sake.
The truth was that Shane Reginald was becoming jealous of the way she and Connor always had to run off together when work called. She took Shane's punches and wondered how long it would take for Connor to give up on her and move to the next girl so she could break off the relationship. In the meantime, she zoned out and thought about Connor's smile while Shane hit her.
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"Abby," Jenny approached her as she worked in the lab, "Lester wants to see you for a moment."
Abby sighed, she was actually busy at the moment. "Alright, alright, I'm coming." She replied, heading out of the room.
She was just about to enter Lester's office when she saw Connor coming out of it. She froze, horrified, when she saw that he'd been crying. "Connor! What's wrong? What happened? What'd Lester say to you?"
Connor shook his head, "I'm fine, Abs. Just… don't hate me, okay?"
Abby looked at him, puzzled. "Connor, you're my best friend. I could never hate you."
He reached for her hand and gave it a quick squeeze, "You're me best mate too."
Abby smiled before pulling her hand free and nodding toward the door, "I gotta go, Con. Lester's waiting. You're sure you're okay?"
"Fine," he promised. "Go, talk to Lester."
Abby turned and entered the room, shutting the door behind her.
"Ah, Ms. Maitland," Lester spoke, "Take a seat. I want to ask you a couple questions about Connor."
Abby nodded, wondering what this was all about.
"He messed up today, big time." Lester said. "He could've been killed if it wasn't for your quick thinking in the field. Well done, by the way."
"Thank-you," Abby whispered, feeling her stomach drop. Lester wouldn't have sacked Connor, would he have? Is that why Connor was so upset? "It was one mistake," she spoke again in defence of him, "Connor is great at his job."
"And why do you think he made such a silly mistake?" Lester asked her.
Abby frowned, "How would I know? I'm a zoologist, not a psychologist."
"You're also his best friend and you live with him. You know him better than anyone else. Fine then, do you want to know what he said happened?"
Abby nodded, confused as to why Lester was telling her this.
"He said he was tired. He said he hasn't slept in over two weeks and he spends every waking moment, which is apparently just every moment, worrying about you. He said you're dating someone who hits you and that your bruises aren't really from kickboxing like you've told the rest of us."
Abby felt herself get angry. Connor had no right to be discussing her private matters with Lester. She'd asked him to mind his own business. She hadn't wanted to justify herself to Connor, let alone the rest of the people she worked with. "It's not Connor's business," she spat, "who I go out with. He's just jealous so he makes stuff up."
"Is that so?" Lester asked, "So this guy doesn't hurt you?"
"No!" Abby lied forcefully, "Never." She blushed, humiliated that she was discussing her love life with her boss. She knew Connor was worried about her, but for the moment she was too angry to care.
"Abby," Lester said, sounding more gentle than normal, "I'm sure Connor means well. He could be mistaken, but he wasn't lying. He was very upset about the entire thing. He's terrified that you'll hate him for telling me, but he didn't know what choice he had. He asked me to stop you from seeing him, to use force if I had to."
Abby stared at him, "Who I date is none of your business, nor Connor's. He'd never hurt me, anyway."
"Are you sure?" Lester asked her.
"Yes, of course I am."
"Okay," Lester said, "I won't take action right now, but I don't want to see any more bruises on you and if you ever need to talk, we're all here for you. Especially Connor. He loves you, Abby, he told me that. I rather think you love him too, am I right?"
Abby didn't answer, so Lester continued, "Connor feels that he isn't in the right frame of mind to do any more work in the field right now. He'd decided to step back and only work inside the labs for the time being. He said he's doing so for the safety of the rest of team as well as himself. He doesn't want to risk any more stupid mistakes caused by lack of sleep. Perhaps you should step away too for a little while, take a break?"
"I'm fine," Abby retorted angrily, "I don't need your protection, or his." Then she turned and stormed out of the room, slamming Lester's door behind her.
She found Connor in his lab a few minutes later and it was obvious that he'd been crying again, but she simply glared at him. "So much for being my friend, Connor," she stated coldly, "I want you out of my flat by tonight. Shane doesn't like it that you live with me anyway." She knew that bringing up Shane was a low blow, but she couldn't seem to help herself. She turned and walked out, without waiting to see his reaction or hear his reply.
After effectively ruining her friendship with Connor, Abby left the ARC. She needed some fresh air to think and she didn't care if she was supposed to be working still. She took a jog around a nearby park, trying to clear her mind, but it didn't help. She finally collapsed onto a bench and buried her face in her hands as she began to cry.
She'd made a horrible mistake and she knew it. The whole reason she'd pushed Connor's advances away in the first place was because she'd been afraid of losing him, and now she'd gone and done just that. Her fears had been justified at least, she decided, losing Connor hurt far more than any other hurt she'd felt before. She felt dizzy just thinking about going home and not having Connor there to make her a cup of tea. All her anger at him had dissipated nearly as soon as she'd left the ARC, but she supposed he'd be more that a little angry at her now. She sighed, why couldn't Connor have just accepted them as friends in the first place? Then she wouldn't have had to go through these last four months with Shane. Then maybe she wouldn't have ordered him to leave because everything would have been fine between them.
Except it hadn't been fine, Abby realised. It'd been good, but they'd both been frustrated by Abby's attempts to stop their relationship from going any further. They'd been walking around unsatisfied, neither willing to move on, neither willing to let go. Abby stood. She hated apologizing, hated admitting she'd messed up, but she was far too terrified of losing him to not do so, and she ran back to the flat where she hoped Connor would be by now. She hoped he hadn't finished packing and left already.
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Connor didn't look at her when she entered his room. She stood by the door, watching him, relieved that he was still there. He had his gym bag out and was trying to shove all his belongings into it without folding anything first.
"I'm packing as quick as I can, Abs," he stated coldly, tossing a handful of Star Wars figurines into a side pocket.
Abby didn't try to hide the tears that were streaking down her cheeks. "Please, Connor, don't leave me."
Connor's head whipped around to look at her and she saw the surprise and then concern register in his face. "Abby?"
"I need you, Con. Please stay," she begged him.
A look of relief washed across Connor's face as he quickly pulled her into a tight bear hug, "Abby! I never wanted to! It was you as said I had to leave. I thought you hated me for telling Lester."
"I was mad, Connor, but I couldn't hate you, not ever. I'm sorry, Con."
Connor let go of her and motioned for her to sit beside him on the bed. She did so and Connor looked her in the eyes intently, "Abby, I meant it when I said you're me best friend. But friends, they tell each other stuff. You shouldn't lie to me, Abby. I know you lied about Shane. I know he hurts you. I wish you'd leave him, Abs, but even if you decide not to, I wish you'd talk to me when you need to."
Abby ducked her head, ashamed that she'd ever lied to Connor in the first place.
"Con, I… I wanted him to hurt me. I chose someone abusive on purpose, okay?"
Connor's expression changed from concerned to shocked. He opened his mouth to say something and then closed it when no words came out. Finally he managed to get out one word, "Why?" Abby saw that he was extremely upset by her declaration.
Abby was silent for a moment, trying to figure out how to explain herself. Finally she sighed and spoke quietly, "I deserved to be hurt; I deserved it because I hurt you. I hurt you by bringing home a boyfriend when I should have been dating you, Connor. And I couldn't very well take advantage of someone who didn't deserve to be used, so I picked someone who did deserve it… Shane. I just, I used him so you'd give up on the idea of me and you being more than friends. I just wanted you to get over me and move on."
Connor swallowed and then stood up and Abby saw that he was trying to hide his tears, but she saw them anyway. "Then, it's all my fault you got hurt," he whispered, looking stricken and ready to run from the room, "I shouldn't have pushed so much and you wouldn't have sought him out. It's all my fault, Abby, I'm sorry."
Abby immediately stood, coming to his side and placing her hand on his arm, "No! No, Connor, never. Don't blame yourself, please. You did nothing wrong, yeah? All you did was love me. I just got scared, okay? I'm always scared, Connor. I know I told you I wasn't scared of anything, but I was scared of love. I should have trusted you, yeah? I should have accepted you, but I just… I'm not good enough for you, Connor. I'm not even good enough for Shane, he says so all the time. I thought you'd love me and then realise I wasn't good enough and you'd leave and I'd be so hurt and that terrified me, but I almost lost you anyway, didn't I?"
"Abby, maybe, maybe I should move out after all."
Abby let her hand drop from his arm and began to shake her head vehemently, "Connor, no. You can't! I promise it wasn't your fault."
"But Abby, I'm scaring you and I can't… I can't stop loving you, Abby. I don't want to scare you, and I certainly don't want to make you look for someone who'll hurt you and… Abby, it's just too hard for me to be just friends with you, and I can pretend for you, but it's never true and sometimes I can't help but to let you know, especially when you say things like that, because Abby, you are good enough for me and I don't want you to think otherwise."
Abby smiled at him, "Connor, it's okay. I want you to love me. I'm scared, yeah, but I'm more scared of you leaving me. Connor, I'll... I'll be your girlfriend, if you like."
Connor's eyes widened and a smile appeared on his face, "Yeah?"
Abby bit her lip, but she still couldn't hide her grin at the hopeful and happy expression in his eyes, "Yeah."
"I love you, Abby," Connor said, testing her reaction.
"I love you too, Connor, I really do."
Connor sighed happily, "And here was I thinking you hated me just a half hour ago. Can I kiss you, Abby?"
Abby laughed but shook her head, "Not yet, I have to be fair, Con. Lemme go dump Shane first, okay?"
"Do it by text," Connor urged, "It works quite well actually, and then he can't hurt you when you tell him."
Abby hesitated, she normally thought it was an awful way to dump somebody, but Connor had a point. Shane would probably hurt her quite badly if she told him face to face. "Alright," she agreed, pulling out her mobile.
She typed in a quick message to Shane and then handed the phone to Connor, "Wanna do the honour?"
Connor eagerly hit the send button and handed the phone back to her. "Now can I kiss you?"
Abby giggled and nodded.
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Abby knocked on the open door frame to announce her presence before entering Lester's office. She had to apologize to him for her behaviour the day before. Jenny was in the room talking to Lester about something and the way she blushed a bit when Abby entered let Abby know that she herself had been the topic of that discussion.
Lester motioned for Abby to sit down. "I came to apologize," Abby said quickly, feeling like she'd been doing too much of this lately, "I know you were just concerned about me and I shouldn't have gotten so angry."
"Thank-you," Lester said, "I can take it. To be honest, I was more concerned about you getting mad at Connor."
"Abby," Jenny said, "You know, if you ever do need to talk, I'm a pretty good listener."
"It's fine," Abby said, smiling, "I'm fine. I promise."
"And can you promise us that your new boyfriend isn't hurting you?" Lester asked firmly.
Abby laughed, as she stood up and headed back to the door, "My new boyfriend would never hurt me. My new boyfriend, is Connor."
She left the room, but took a peek through the glass walls to see Jenny and Lester staring after her with puzzled expressions. She giggled to herself, feeling truly happy for once, and went off to find her new boyfriend and tell him to expect a meeting with Lester very soon.