Cola Side vs Sprite Side
Yoda stood in front of his refrigerator and sighed heavily.
"Begun the Juice Wars have! Powerful the Emperor is, but Jedi you must be! To darkness give in you must not! (Yadda yadda yaddda. Yoda, yoda, yoda.)
The Emperor walks in. Look at that little green bat, if the Finance Committee says I can't fire him for bad advertising I'm going to electrocute their asses! That should teach them that they can't tell me, Darth Fluffy Pink Bunny Slippers of Doom, what to do!
He takes a few more steps in the room and tries to get the attention of the senile old bat, but he fails. Yoda goes on speaking about anything from gardening tips to how to have countless girlfriends and get away from a devastating beating when they meet and a frustrated Palpatine starts banging his head on the walls until Yoda notices the small pool of blood at his feet and the unconscious Emperor laying on the ground. Yoda starts chewing on a piece of wood torn from a chair after finishing his cane and looks at Palpy.
"Romantic you must be. Extremely red your face is, like a tomato you look. Good furniture your office has! Delicious it is!"
Palpy jumps to his feet and sees that most of his furniture, including his TV, laptop and mobile, are covered with bite marks.
"What have you done to my office, you little root eating freak?"
"Hungry Yoda was, pizza in 20 minutes come had it not! No tip evil pizza boy get will!"
"Ok, next time stay in the waiting room please!"
"Delicious too it was! Good quality it had!"
"That's it; I had it up to here with you! You won't join the Dark, Caramel and Caffeine Side, but you think it is okay for you to chew on my furniture? You are fired!"
"Fire me you cannot! Powerful forces meddling with you are!"
"I'm more powerful than you will ever be in the Cola Side of the Force!"
"But more powerful than my lawyers you are not! If you'll fire me, richer than you can ever imagine I shall become!"
"I don't know, I have a pretty big imagination!" Palpy starts daydreaming about being in the place of the guy from the vodka commercial. I would give anything to be in that guy's shoes! All the days the same my ass, I wouldn't mind that routine even if it coast Vader an arm and his legs. (The TV starts and they show a commercial where Obi-Wan cuts off Vader's good arm and his legs dumping him in a pit of lava and walks away with a bottle of Cola Vanilla in his hand while singing: "Come, mister Vader man jump into the lava! Etc.")
"Glass of water I would like! Spicy your furniture was."
"Oh, I'll give you water, you little $&&$&&& (Censored by Jedi TV. Keep on cloning! Producers of hits like "It's raining clones!", "Born to be Sith" , "Time bomb" by Tom Jones and the famous soap-opera now at it's 6592 episode, "The Death Star", an adaptation of the series "The Love Boat".)
Palpy walks to the fridge, takes a bottle of Cola and pours it into Yoda's glass. Smiling, he uses the power of the Cola Side of the Force and the poster of Miss December from the highly successful magazine Jediboy to confuse batso. Sent into meditation by the combined powers of Miss December and Palpy's Cola powers, Yoda drinks the entire glass, realizing too late that it was filled with Cola.
"Noooooo! Cannot be this is! Melting I am!"
"Shut up you little bat, you're not melting, but from this moment on the Cola Side, the side of the caramel and caffeine from within the Force, will have you! Your Sprite drinking days are over my dear senile, old Batsy! The melting is a metaphor, it means taking cash from the competition with a big shovel! You will never work in this town again except as a pool boy!"
Yoda stays in the middle of the room chewing wood and drinking Cola like crazy while Palpy dances around him singing: "I feel pretty, oh, so pretty!" (You know the rest from "Analyze That!" the Sing Sing scene.)
Twenty five years later…
Yoda sits on Dagobah with a net and detergent bottle in his hands.
"Filthy pool Lucas has! Always full of leaves it is, never clean it remains! Like a jungle planet looks it does, but living a Jedi has to make!... Hey, what's that moron in an X-wing doing? His heading strait into the Jacuzzi, this cannot be! He destroyed it, but at least the precious I still have!" Yoda takes a bottle of Cola and drinks, then goes and kicks Luke's ass. (Scene taken out at editing because of extreme violence; Quote from Lucas: "Horrible it was, horrible! Blood everywhere, the green guy is a monster he must be destroyed and replaced with a puppet till we have that nifty CGI technology in Episode II!" Lucas runs out demanding Prozac and his teddy bear, Bingo.)
So you see, the Cola Side will one day rule the universe! Join us, join the Cola Side and you will get access to the contests with them cool glasses! Buy a Cola bottle from a supermarket near you and your ascension to caffeine and caramel beverages shall be complete! He, he, he, he, he, he!
I'd like to thank several people, including the ones who pester me about the dangers of Cola.
Warning: Once Cola you have tasted, for ever it will dominate your path.
Please review (I know I'll regret this), it's the first fic I actually post, so any comment is welcomed. Thanks!