Hey everyone, here's a parody I wrote when I got tired of writing my overly-serious story and needed some comedic distraction. So hopefully this brightens your day if it's not already super luminous! Enjoy ;)
The Substitute.
So, today, school was supposed to be like any other day. Boring, tiresome and altogether lame. I was dead wrong. Turns out, today was not going to be a normal Monday. God, normally I hate Mondays! Not this Monday though, so when I got to school and found out that we had a substitute teacher for science, I was surprised. Science is my first hour and Mrs. Dumbell was supposedly ill, usually she would come in, ill or no. Oh well, maybe we'd watch a video on molecules or something. I traipsed exhausted into my first hour and took a my usual seat at the back of the room. My friend, Emilia, who was sitting next to me, looked nearly as tired as I was.
"Hey, Em, I heard someone say we have a sub today." I informed her, I couldn't think of anything better to say.
"Oh, I hope it's not Mr. Tuff again. He's a wretch!"
"Yeah." I agreed.
"Did you finish the worksheet from Friday?"
"There was a worksheet? Oh crap, I forgot!" I groaned, I hated forgetting an assignment. Oh well, maybe the sub wouldn't have been informed of it anyway. Knowing my life, I wouldn't be that lucky. I laid my head down and closed my eyes. By now, pretty much everyone was in the classroom except for the usual tardy-goers. Suddenly, the door slammed shut as I heard the sub walk in. I didn't really pay too much attention. Like I said, I had my head down, eyes shut.
"Okay, time to vake up everyone...zhe bell vill ring in precisely ten seconds." My head shot up at the sound of the shrill, familiar voice.
"Oh my god..." I whispered.
In the front the room, dressed in his normal Nazi attire, was everyone's favorite insane doctor from Call of Duty: Zombies. The bell rang just as he'd predicted. He tilted his head, "Pleased to meet you all... I am zhe great Doctor Richtofen!"
One of the guys in my class named Jim laughed, "Hey dude, whats with the stupid get-up? This isn't history class y'know!" He looked to the others for support. OMG. He just said that...to Doctor Richtofen. Wait...Doctor Richtofen was subbing for my class. I tried to get my head around that.
The doctor slowly deadpanned his livid gaze onto the boy, "Oh look it's a monkey after Dempshey's own heart." He hissed and lunged over the teacher's desk, towering over the unfortunate, ego-centric, teenager. "Now Apologize to zhe Doctor or else." He glowered down and seized the front of Jim's shirt, face twisted. I sank slightly behind my desk. I might have been in the back of the room, but it was still frightening. Emilia was pale faced. Looking like she wanted to leave.
"Ummm..." Jim muttered.
"Oh, vunderbar! Now I can teach zhe class about...DISSECTIONS! STARTING VITH YOU!" Cried the doctor joyfully.
Just on time to here the doctor say disections, the usual three tardees walked into the room together the way they always did. The boy in front dropped his binder and gaped at the spectacle before him. Richtofen turned to look at them, dropping a terrorized Jim back into his seat.
"You are LATE!" The Doctor screeched, making people grimace, "Zhe bell rang precisely five minutes ago. I suppose ve vill have to have more than one class session for all zhe glorious disections!"
He looked down and then picked up the binder the student dropped, "I don't suppose zhere's any fingers in here." He sniffed it, "OF COURSE ZHERE AREN'T" in a fit of rage, he flung the binder at the student.
It bounced off his head, "Ow!" The student complained.
"Maybe you should duck next time! AHAHAHAHAHAHAH!" Richtofen laughed gleefully.
"Sorry to interrupt, but don't we have that paper to grade?" A boy named Alex muttered looking a little more than worried.
It took Richtofen a moment to realize he was being addressed. "Hmm? Oh yes, zhere vas somezhing in zhe paper about zhat...but I vanted to do somezhing completely different. Oh vell." He sighed, turned, and walked calmly around his desk like nothing had happened and saw the teacher's note, "Ja, so it seems ve are supposed to grade zhose papers...pass zhem forward meine good minions!"
Papers were shuffled and passed forward, I shook my head negatively to indicate that I didn't have mine as the girl in front turned to grab mine and Emilia's papers. She seized Emilia's and sent it up.
Dr. Richtofen had leapt up onto the desk and was now perched like a vulture, eyeing everyone and looking eccentric, his narrow face was screwed up in concentration. I took a quick glance around and found every range of emotion on faces from fear to disbelief to annoyance. After a stack of the homework papers were on his desk, he straightened them out.
I was expecting him to just pass them back out randomly to grade, but instead he said, "I zhink ve vill experiment in a little bit. But first let's start grading...vith FLAMES!" He whipped out a lighter from his jacket and set the flame to the stack on the desk. He looked very calm, eyes gleaming maniacally. "Looks like you vill all get an F...for FIRE!" He laughed at his own joke.
"What are you doing?" Cried a girl, horrified.
"Shhhh...Zhe doctor is operating!" He squealed as the papers burst into flame and smoke rose into the room. Luckily for the crazy Nazi, the fire alarm in our school didn't work. When all was said and done, a huge black spot was on the desk along with a pile of hot ashes. People choked and coughed in the smoky room. "Oh," groaned Dr. Richtofen, satisfied, "Zhat vas just so...hot!"
I was so glad I didn't complete that assignment.
"I guess I won't ask to grade anything ever again." Muttered Alex, downcast.
Everyone else was speechless, even the idiots in my class. I glanced at the clock anxiously. It hadn't even been ten minutes yet! A loud bam made me jump and I spun my head to the front of the room. The doctor was leaning over a book he'd just slammed onto the desk beside him to cover the all-too-noticeable scorch mark, staring creepily at everyone. "Oh, such joy to teach the young. Expecially about fire!" He said, then gasped, eyes rolling up in his head, "I just had a vonderous idea!" He screeched the last part. "I vill show you all, how to fix a teleporter!" he hissed.
Abruptly, he jumped off the desk and onto the floor. "Come on, meine pretty patients!" He skipped out the door.
"What the fuck? We supposed to follow that creep?" Muttered a guy.
Richtofen's head popped back in through the door, Nazi hat tilted. "Vell, I guess ve could stay here and just see how many of you know zhe specifics of torture? It's all surprisingly scientific. Actually, I zhink I might like zhat better anyvay!" He started to come back into the room.
Everyone jumped up instantly, ready to go fix the teleporter after that. "JOY, so ve are going to fix zhe teleporter afterall, vunderbar! Oh you von't need to bring anyzhing!" Richtofen called back as he disappeared again, all sunshine and rainbows.
We followed him outside, it was a beautiful spring day. It was weird, a Nazi escorting us onward on that warm spring day. As he lead us, whistling, down the road, I couldn't help but feel, despite my fears, that this was going to be the most interesting Monday-no any day-of my life. We walked awhile and everyone grew discontent and began muttering.
"Where the hell are we goin'?"
"Is he kidnapping us?"
"I'm pretty sure that what he did in the classroom was illegal."
"Who the fuck is he, like a child rapist or something?"
Richtofen could hear all the muttering, so he called back to the students giving him a wide berth, "I don't rape children...But Dempshey rapes monkeys! Und nein, I am not kidnapping you, I need your inherent skills for meine project! Und vhat is zhe definition for zhe American vord, illegal? I've never heard of it before. Ve are going to zhe park, OF COURSE! NOW SHUT UP UND SHTOP TALKING TO ME!"
"Shit!" muttered Jim, wincing. "We weren't talking to you in the first place!"
Edward Richtofen stopped abruptly and spun on his heel. His face taught with ferocious anger. Everyone took an involuntary step back. "Oh, I forgot your name...vait, I didn't even know it to begin vith, no matter. YOU should watch out, zhe doctor is almost out of SHPLEENS! As in, I might have to cut you open and take yours out myshelf...and a few other choice organs." He trailed off looking thoughtful. "BUT NOT YET! Now, my minions, lets enter zhe park." He said pointing at a sign. Whiteglade Park, it said.
He lead us to a short metal garage inconspicuously off to the side. We walked in and saw them, the teleporters. "These here are the matter transference devices," Richtofen said. I gasped, the two devices-one large, one smaller- looked like the real thing off the game and I shuddered with excitement.
"Excuse me what's a matter trans-tra-transparent...devi-?" Somone stuttered. "A MATTER TRANSFERENCE DEVICE YOU DUMMKOPF! As in a teleporter, as in a device zhat sends you zhrough time and space to somevhere else, as in-I'm over-explaining zhis...anyvays, vhen I came here, it broke. NOW YOU all are going to help zhe good doctor fixsh it!" Everyone looked a little crestfallen, apparently they thought he was just psycho, afterall teleporters didn't really exist. Right? But if this was really the same Doctor Richtofen, then I wanted to see the teleporter in action.
"Great!" I said excitedly. "Where do we start?" Everyone stared at me with mild surprise. I was usually the quiet one and everyone had probably thought I was petrified out of my shoes or something. They definitely didn't expect me to speak up.
Richtofen looked directly at me, eyes shining. "Vell first ve must collect some parts from zhe local store. I've got some ozhers on it but zhey, I fear, are terribly inadequate for such a job. You vill head en route to zhere location using zhe smaller M.T.D. because it actually vorks. Now let us begin vith zhe operation. Who's first?" No one volunteered. Richtofen looked annoyed and then pointed at me, "YOU vill be first," He declared and I couldn't refuse for my excitement and fear. I walked slowly up the device, and I couldn't help but notice Emilia's look of fear and worry. I stepped into the smaller teleporter warily and saw the doctor wink out from under his hat. "Please keep hands und feet inside zhe device at all times." He smiled feircely, and I was certain there was a good chance I would die. "Danke." He said and activated the device. Blue electricty filled the small space I was in and I jumped in surprise, managing not to scream. Then, I saw a blue tunnel and I was falling weightless through time and space. I landed on a concrete ground and groaned in pain. I stood up and saw the parking lot a little ways away. Beyond that, Walmart.
"Oh boy." I muttered.
"Vhat's vrong?" I jumped and yelped in surprise, turning to see an irritated Richtofen looking at me.
"Wait...why did you follow me?"
Richtofen adjusted his hat and bared his teeth in disgust, "Zhey zhought I killed you, fried you vith zhe teleporter. So ignorant, zhe device couldn't do zhat! At zhe most it vould've zombiefied your cells, but never fried you. Anyvays, zhey vould've called zhe cops zhen and zhere, but I said I'd come to prove zhat zhe device vas harmless. Come on, ve have an hour before zhey call zhe police." He marched toward Walmart.
I stared, surprise at the short speech and at the fact that Richtofen was going into walmart, dressed like a Nazi, crazy and all...Wow. I followed and we marched through the automatic doors, "Zhere are zhe ozhers," Said Richtofen, sounding unhappy, pointing to the other three zombie-slayers. I gasped and then laughed giddily. I was in Walmart with the four of the most badass videogame characters.
"Dat's de help you promised Richtofen?" Nikolai yelled then groaned, "Ohhh they won't even let wodka go in!"
"Shut up, drunk, you give Takeo headache." Muttered the Japanese man.
"The fuck Doc? Where'd you get the girl?" growled Dempsey, looking surprised.
"She knows how to vork zhese strange stores, she vill help us." Richtofen said smugly. I gaped at them as we drew close. They looked different out of the screen. This was way too weird! Suddenly we were swamped by curious and excited people.
"Oh look at that awesome cosplay!"
"I want an autograph!" Someone shouted, apparently these guys played Zombies.
Richtofen turned to the crowd, "I see you've all come to see the doctor, who's first? Please, please...autographs are five deutsch-marks." He called grinning. "It even sounds like him!" Someone squealed, all fangirly.
"Oh dey give Nikolai headache!" Muttered the wasted Russian.
"Lets go then." I said. "You want those parts right?"
I managed to convince a young worker there that they were cosplaying it up for a party later.
Somehow we made it all the way to the check-out lane with the parts with no one getting kissed by fangirls or stabbed by the doctor. Too bad for the fans no one had five deutsch-marks for an autograph, so no one got an autograph either. Unfortunately, that's where it got ridiculous.
"I'll do the talking." I muttered and walked up to the cashier, placing the parts on the counter.
"You find everything alright?" She asked.
"Yeah."
I saw her gaping at the men behind me.
"Somezhing vrong?" Asked Richtofen.
"This isn't Halloween, so the FBI might be interested why you're dressed like a Nazi." She said putting the parts in bags, "your total is one hundred fifteen dollars and...no cents." 115 of course...wait 115? I glanced at the others and realized they most likely had no money.
I didn't either.
"I think I left my wallet out in the car?..." I said lamely. A blind person could've seen through that lie.
The woman frowned angrily.
"OH Dempshey, zhe barn door's open!" Cried Richtofen suddenly.
"Shit Fucker! Why the hell you lookin'!" Dempsey cried, face red and zipping his pants. The woman was looking, too.
I grabbed the bags and ran as fast as I could out of there.
I was running to the spot where we could be teleported back safely back to the garage using a device Richtofen had brought. I heard sirens.
My phone rang, it was Emilia, "Hello?" I said breathlessly, still running.
"Oh good you're alright, we've been worried!"
"Yeah I'm fine," I said. Yeah right!
"The other's were wanting to call the cops right away." She told me. Someone else had already done that!
"Zhey better not have touched anyzhing, or zhe schweinehundes vill pay!"
"Have they touched anything Em?" I asked, casting Richtofen a worried look as we sprinted on.
"No, most have gone back to the school anyway, only a few are even still here."
"Oh."
I informed Richtofen.
"Oh vell, zhey couldn't appreciate true science anyway, vhe are better off vithout zhem." He activated the device and we were transported to the park. As we entered the garage, I noticed only about ten students had stayed behind. Amongst them were Alex and Emilia.
Dempsey suddenly said, "I can't wait to fix this piece of junk so we can get back to killing freakbags!"
"Patience, American, all in due time." Richtofen walked up to the teleporter.
"Okay meine patients, let's get to vork! Vill you give zhe doctor a hand?" Then he laughed and said, "get it? I'm a doctor and I amputate so you'd give me your..." He trailed off as everyone stared at him. "STHOP LOOKING AT ME!"
"Hey Richtofen, maybe you give em wodka, they quit looking at you." Belched Nikolai, "But you can't have mine!"
"What do you expect, you're creeping them out, shithead!" Muttered Dempsey leaning on the wall.
The doctor glared at the Marine angrily, "Shut up, Dummkopf and bring zhose ozhers to the machine!"
We must of worked for hours, with Takeo spewing proverbs and anger at a dishonorable drunk, Dempsey cursing like a sailor, Nikolai belching and farting, and the Doctor alternating between screams and laughter of delight to those of anger and annoyance.
Finally we finished and I glanced at my phone. It was only eleven, I was surprised. I'd expected it to be three at least. Richtofen walked around the machine, inspecting it. "It appears to have been fixed, and you dummkopfs didn't screw it up, surprising." He powered up the larger device and bright, controlled electricity ran through the wires.
Just then, I heard sirens, tires squealing, and car doors. "Nein! ZHEY ARE HERE." Cried Richtofen. The garage's metal door burst open. A police officer with a megaphone entered and called through it, "We know who you are. Dr. Rich-Riktfi-Richtof-Ahh" He growled, fustrated then went for, "Neo-Nazi bastard! Put your hands in the air and you and the little conspirators will be-!"
"Shut up, fucking motherfuckers! It's fucking Christmas in here! OORAH!" Cried Dempsey, grabbing an M16 and firing at the ceiling, raining metal pieces down.
Nikolai groaned, "You capitalists bastards give me such a headache!"
"You are all so noisy, like herds of thousands of elephrants" murmured Takeo.
Several more police officers came in, hiding behind junk and cabinets.
"That's it!" Cried Megaphone-Man, getting mad.
I was shoved into the teleporter along with some other students. It was powered up, I closed my eyes. We were transported through time and space, or we were supposed to be. I peeked between my eyelids. We were still in the garage.
"What happened?" Whined Nikolai.
"Zhat's my question." Richtofen screamed.
"Last chance...to surrender!" Called Megaphone.
"Oh sthupid Dempshey, you messed up zhe device vhen you carelessly fired zhat damn veapon!"
"Not my fault you didn't tell me were to shoot!" Dempsey yelled angrily.
He disappeared for a few moments and came back, "Zhere, it should be fixed now." He powered it up again, and this time we were teleported away.
We stood in a tall factory, ceilings soaring with high shelves...full of vodka!
Nikolai gasped, "oh my god, Richtofen did you kill us? Cause I'm in WODKA HEAVEN!"
Whoa that was extremely weird. What did you think? I know it's really dumb but I feel better having wrote it. ;) I apologize for any mistakes.