Title: The Noble and Most Ancient House of Weasley
Summary: If the Sorting Hat even had a head, it would have a headache. A headache spanning several decades.
Rating: PG
Author's Notes: No, I don't own Harry Potter, yes, it would be nice to, and I would love you forever and ever if you left a review. Stereotypical enough for you?
Enjoy!
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Nice hair.
"Thanks. Mum cut it, but it grew back overnight. It was my first sign of magic, 'cause I was a bit of a late bloomer, and she got so teary over it that she never got around to re-trimming it."
A Weasley, eh?
"You know it. I'm the first, but definitely not the last."
Well, I know just where to put you.
"Y'know, Dad said that you said the same thing--"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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"Hey, Hat, before you sort me, I have a question."
Not at all nervous about being sorted, then?
"Why should I be? I mean, there hasn't been a Weasley in any house but Gryffindor since Hogwarts was formed, and Patrick Theodore Weasley went into Gryffindor anyway. A Weasley in any house but Gryffindor would make the very foundations of Hogwarts crumble into dust and ruin, and we can't be having that."
Very poetic.
"Thank you."
Ask away. It's not like I've anything better to do, except maybe sort about a hundred other students.
"Well, then I'll keep it short. Why isn't there a dragon as a House mascot? And why aren't there any dragons in the Forbidden Forest? And why is owning a dragon illegal, anyway?"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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You can't possibly be serious.
"Actually, I've rather a reputation for doing just that."
I wasn't talking about you, boy. How many Weasleys are on the way? There's already three of you.
"I think I'll just leave it to you to find out."
Want to go to Slytherin, you cheeky lad?
"Fine, fine. No need to get snippy. There's the twins, Ron, and Ginny, so far. Happy?"
You Weasleys. Tell your mother to keep the breeding down. There's only so many of your clan that a wizarding school can hold, even if it is Hogwarts.
"I won't tell Mum that, if you tell me where I can find out about how you were made."
Try Hogwarts: A History.
"And you don't think I've already read that? Just because I'm going into Gryffindor doesn't mean I can't read, you know."
You really want to go to Slytherin, don't you?
"Not particularly, if you don't mind."
Well, then keep your gob shut and ask the librarian. That's what she's there for.
"That's what I intend to do, thank you very much. Thank you again for your oh-so-helpful information."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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"Phoar. A talking hat!"
Don't tell me that your parents didn't already tell you about me.
"Well, they did, but I didn't believe them. I figured that they were trying to get me to take the mickey because I had just turned the table into a horde of stampeding djinni."
Did you, really?
"Actually, it was Fred, but don't tell him I said that."
Fascinating.
"I suppose a hat wouldn't really have much interest in us lowly students, huh?"
Just be quiet long enough so that I can get rid of you.
"You really don't want to know how many people have said that about me."
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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"Phoar! A--"
Talking hat.
"You can read minds?"
Only ones that have identical twin brothers.
"I knew I should've gone first."
He knows that you were the one who changed the table.
"Hah! I knew it! Wait...which time?"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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"Y'know, you aren't a troll, after all."
Hats don't normally share appearances with trolls, no.
"That's the last time I believe something Fred and George tell me."
For some reason, I rather doubt it.
"Thanks loads."
Well, I know just where to put you.
"Y'know, Bill said that you said the same thing--"
"GRYFFINDOR!"
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Now, that's odd. A shy Weasley.
Well, come on now, say something.
" 'm not shy. 'm just..."
What?
"Fred'nGeorgesaidyouwouldsuckoutmybrains."
It's lucky that your family's lineage doesn't rest in Ravenclaw.
"Hey!"
There we go. The typical Weasley spark surfaces.
"Nice to know I was expected."
Believe me, I expect several more.
"Actually, I'm the youngest."
I haven't been this happy since that McGonagall woman was accused of using me as a sandbox.
"What?"
"GRYFFINDOR!"