I heard Mike come in from his late shift and relaxed. I never slept well when I was waiting for him to come home from work. He was quiet but I was comforted by the sounds of him getting ready for bed. He went straight into the bathroom for a shower and I knew by the length of the shower that it had been a rough night for him. I must have dozed off for a bit, waiting for him to come to bed and was surprised that he didn't reach for me, as he usually did when he crawled into bed beside me. I slid over and rested my head on his shoulder and stroked his chest and arm with my free hand. He was tense and rigid. I kissed his neck and whispered "thank you for coming home to me."
He swallowed hard and I moved up on my elbow so I could look at him. In the light coming in through the blinds I could see Mike staring up at the ceiling, not looking at me. I ran my fingers through his hair and stroked his check, trying to draw his eyes to me. "Mike? I love you…very much." He let out a shuddering breath and finally looked at me. My heart broke at the look in his eyes. "I'm glad," he said.
"Is everyone okay?". He nodded yes. At this point in our lives, "everyone" meant Terry, Willie and even Lt. Riker. "Are you okay?" He looked like he was going to cry and I still didn't know what was bothering him. "I need to hold you right now," he rasped, and pulled me to him. I moved so that I was laying on top of him and held him. Mike called this his "security blanket". Sometimes, the things he saw and dealt with as a cop rubbed him raw and left him at loose ends. I was so thankful that, in those times, he came home to me. That wasn't how it was when he first started this job. He would go out with Terry and Willie for a beer or two or more and then try to hide it from me when he came home, saying everything was fine and that nothing much had happened during his shift.
I had to sit him down and let him know that wasn't how I wanted it to be between us. As a policeman, it was his duty to protect but I didn't need or want him to protect me from what he saw; what ate at him after a particularly bad shift. I reminded him that our vows had been to be there for one another through better or worse and I wanted to help him when he was hurting. So, this "security blanket" was one way I did that. He said feeling me all around, my scent, my weight, impressed on him my love – our love for one another. And that's what helped put him back together. So I snuggled in and began to whisper to him how much I loved him and that I was there for whatever he needed.
His heart was still pounding in his chest and he'd not relaxed yet when he suddenly shifted and rolled so that he was on top. He crushed his mouth to mine and his tongue demanded entrance. His kiss was deep and wild and I held on, giving him whatever he needed. As quickly as it began, he backed off and began lightly kissing, teasing almost. He looked at me with those amazing blue eyes and said "I love you…so much." Then he moved lower and laid his head on my breast and sighed deeply. I took his free hand and kissed his palm and rested it on my cheek before placing it on my breast. I could feel him relax as I ran my fingers lightly through his hair, down his neck, across his shoulders. Holding him like this meant the world to me. He trusted me to watch him in his sleep. To help him fight off any demons from his work. To love him fiercely…and tenderly. This was my gift to him. And his gift to me.