Milk It, Bitch! Take a Two-Hour Shit!
Daisy visited her friend Minnie one afternoon, partly because she was bored, and Minnie was lonely. For several weeks now, she and Mickey were split up on account of an argument. When together, Mickey and Minnie were the splitting images of each other, able to fill each other's sentences and know exactly what gift the other wanted on his or her birthday. Everything was perfect. Too perfect. It turned out Mickey was not looking for a female version of his self; he needed someone a little crazier than he, someone who wasn't afraid to be…experimental. Unpredictable. Hell, even villainous…
So when word got out that Mickey was single, every girl in Toon Town started to make themselves available, leading to a mass of break-ups and even a few divorces. The saddest example was when Clarabelle left Goofy for a chance at the famous mouse, causing him to leap from the Toon Town Bridge. His body was never recovered, and the local news played up the hype, with headlines such as 'Where's Goofy?' and 'Goofy Not Gone', implying that he really wasn't dead, and his leap was nothing more than a publicity stunt. Still, the fact is he disappeared from showbiz altogether, and that is enough in people's hearts to believe him dead. But for others, not so much. He became a regular Elvis, with sightings spanning just about every gas station in every major city of the world. There was even a photo, but experts ruled it to be nothing more than a skillful, Photoshop hoax.
Mickey eventually settled with a virtual unknown, a toon by the name of Sarah Squirrel. She was a drug addict who did time for robbery. She never got into mainstream showbiz, but she did a few private films. The whole world was shocked at Mickey's sudden break with his good side, some even tried to sue the Disney icon, claiming something they had believed in their whole lives went straight to the gutter. The various suits failed, of course; for you see in Hollywood, Mickey Mouse is God. This sudden action led many copycat toons to disembark from their good side and put a little more filth into the world of cartoon showbiz. Only a few stayed true to their innocent character.
Which brings us back to Minnie. Unlike her former boyfriend, when word got out that she was single, nary a toon ever attempted to 'get at her'. The only one who persisted was Mortimer, that horny bastard. Minnie could never go out with him. Or could she? After the break-up, she remained chaste and resolved to date Mickey again. When she finally accepted it was finally over, she relented. But all Mortimer wanted to do was get into her little pink panties. At the restaurant where the 'date rape' took place, he kept reaching under the table to 'feel her up'. In the end, all he ever got was a white mushroom sauce on his head and a slap to the face. But that didn't stop him from trying over and over again. For Minnie, the ball game was over. But for Mortimer, a date with Minnie was first base.
At the end of it all, Minnie came away with a hate for guys in general, even her beloved Mickey.
"All men are pigs!" she would say loud and proud, when nobody was around, of course.
So Daisy and Minnie were sitting on the couch trying to figure out what to do.
"We could play charades," Minnie offered. "Or a board game."
Daisy looked bored.
"No? Okay, how about a movie on T.V.?"
Daisy rolled her eyes.
"Come on, Minnie. We've done those things a million times already. Can't we try something new?"
"Okay, Daisy. Why don't you lay down some suggestions?"
"Hmmm," Daisy thought for a minute. Then she thought for another, sometimes chuckling to herself. Minnie began to wonder if Daisy's mind got off track and was thinking about God knows what. Now Minnie's eyes started to roll. Then, out of the blue, she snapped up.
"Let's go out, Minnie! You know, just us girls. I know a special club where we can dance and have fun!"
"Ooh, that sounds like a good idea! Let me get dressed right away."
In a few moments, Minnie appeared in a nice little dress, heels, bow…the usual Minnie Mouse attire. Daisy frowned.
"I think we need to go on a little shopping spree," she smiled deviously.
Minnie drove to the mall with Daisy as a passenger, because Daisy did not like to drive (she actually doesn't know how, but is too proud to admit it, the bitch). When they got out of the car, Daisy led the way to a few shops Minnie never set foot in. One of them, Upon a Star, carried a line of "showy outfits" that she would have never thought about trying on in her entire life.
"You shop here?" Minnie asked.
"Sometimes," Daisy responded.
"You don't think some of these outfits are a little…skimpy?"
"Heavens no," Daisy laughed. "Here, try this on."
She handed Minnie a shiny, black leather outfit. Minnie looked as if she thought the whole thing was a joke, but Daisy insisted. Minnie went to the fitting room and squeezed into it. Moments later, she came out with an awkward step. Then a loud catcall whistled from across the store.
"Well, well, if it isn't Minnie Mouse. Or is it? Looking good, baby!"
"Get lost, Mortimer," Daisy said.
"Pickin' an outfit for our next date, Minnie?"
"I said GET LOST." Daisy's tone was as mean and dirty as it could get.
"Okay, okay, sheesh, you can't blame a guy for lookin'. For crying out loud…" Mortimer disappeared as quickly as he had surfaced. And so did Minnie, back into the fitting room. She took off that horrid outfit and put on her old one.
"I think you made me put that on for a joke," she said angrily.
"Never!" Daisy said. "I would have tried that on myself; in fact I was going to right after you."
"Really?" Minnie asked.
"Of course," Daisy reassured.
"Thanks, Daisy. And thanks for getting rid of that creep Mortimer."
"No problem. What a pervert! Hanging around these kinds of department stores, it's so obvious. Try this on."
Daisy shoved a new outfit into Minnie's arms. This one looked more promising. It was a purple evening gown, complete with purple and pink ribbons to put on her head. It was certainly more appealing to her than the last one, but so very different. In a moment, she stepped out.
"PERFECT!" Daisy jumped with joy.
It was getting dark fast, so the two jumped in the car and left, Daisy giving directions to this 'special club' and Minnie obeying faithfully. After a few minutes, Minnie began to worry.
"Daisy, isn't this the East Side of Town?" she asked.
"Yeah, so?" Daisy responded.
"Isn't the East Side of Town the dangerous part of Town?"
"You worry too much."
Minnie was shocked at how dirty the streets were. The alleys were dark, and the sidewalks were filled with weird-looking toons she had never seen before. The buildings were absolutely stunning, though. Not like the place of her former employment, the House of Mouse, but just as lit up. They passed a nice place called The Queen of Clubs and Minnie swore she saw Jiminy Cricket hopping in quite discreetly.
"Make a right here," Daisy instructed.
Minnie turned right.
"No, I mean left," corrected Daisy.
Minnie made a U-turn and turned in the proper direction.
"Darn! It was a right," re-corrected Daisy.
"I wish you would make up your mind," Minnie complained.
"That's it! Minnie, pull over!"
She did so, and was astonished to find a marvelous mock-palace with big neon letters which read: The Magic Lamp. There was most certainly a lamp on the roof of the building, which spewed swirling purple and pink smoke.
"It matches your outfit!" Daisy pointed out.
"So it does, how about that?" Minnie observed.
A pulsing, techno-beat could be heard coming from the inside, as well as various chatter. As the doors magically opened up to her, a throng of female Disney characters could be seen dancing or lounging at the bar:
There was a large centerpiece aquarium with Ariel and her mermaid sisters, making out shamelessly in the glowing, blue water; Princess Jasmine was stripping on a small stage erected just for her (she was indeed part-owner of The Magic Lamp), Esmeralda and Pocahontas were practically on each other, Princess Tiana was dropping down to the floor like it was hot, and countless others were just dancing in the most slutty, explicit way they knew how. A bar at the back of the room was run by Ursula the sea witch, who concocted deep spell-shots of liquor for anyone who dropped by, and Tinker Bell the green fairy was whizzing about the room ritualistically sprinkling some sort of glittery dust on everybody, like some sort of pagan blessing. It was some sight to befall innocent eyes.
"Daisy," Minnie could barely talk. "This is a les bar…"
"I know," Daisy could hardly contain her excitement, "Isn't it wonderful?"
She pushed Minnie into the mix
"Well look who it is," she heard someone say.
"Well it's about time," said another.
"I like your dress…"
Minnie soon found herself standing at the bar.
"Well hello there," Ursula greeted. "Take a seat honey, don't be afraid."
She and Daisy sat at the bar.
"Slip me a Cinderella," requested Daisy. "Put it on my tab."
"You got it." Ursula acknowledged. "And something for our new guest?"
Minnie wasn't a drinker so she politely declined, still trying to come to terms with the fact that she was in a nightclub surrounded by countless lesbians.
"She'll have a Sleeping Beauty," Daisy ordered for her.
"*An excellent choice," Ursula delighted at such a bold decision.
Minnie noticed Clarabelle at the end of the counter, alone and stone-drunk. It was a sad sight.
"Clarabelle?" called Minnie.
"Don't talk to her," Daisy warned.
"What are you looking at (hic)?" the drunken cow slurred. "It wasn't my fault!"
Ursula placed the drinks down for Minnie and Daisy.
"Don't mind her," she said. "She's like that with everybody. Just enjoy your drinks and have a good time."
Daisy's Cinderella drink was served in a glass slipper, and she guzzled it down with a smile. Minnie, who wasn't known for letting her friends down, stared at the shot-glass and hesitated.
"Oh come on," Daisy urged. "It's not going to kill you."
Minnie picked up the glass and looked at the swirling, golden-brown liquor.
"I guess it wouldn't hurt…" she said finally.
Minnie gulped down the shot, eyes closed tight. It tasted horrible, and it burned her virgin throat.
"There you go," said Daisy.
Suddenly the lights became more appealing to Minnie, and she began to feel a little dizzy.
"Welcome to The Magic Lamp," Ursula said warmly.
Minnie's eyes wandered about the room, astonished at all the Disney characters engaged in such debauchery.
"So many familiar faces, I never would have guessed," she said finally. "And you too, Daisy? What about Donald?"
"Donald Duck is a loser, and I can't understand what he's saying half the time. But he's got money, and though he's a bit of a cheapskate, he wouldn't dare turn me down, because I know something nobody else knows," Daisy leaned close to Minnie and whispered: "He's got erectile dysfunction." Then she whipped her head back and enjoyed a devious laugh.
Minnie knew it wasn't polite to laugh, but she couldn't help it. She let out a little giggle, which escalated into an uproarious laughter along with her friend.
"Come on, let's dance," said Daisy.
The two left the bar, leaving Ursula and a stoned Clarabelle to the dance floor. For Minnie, the room spun and she danced around in a daze to the same, hypnotic beat that was playing ever since they entered. Tinker Bell, that little green fairy, sprinkled Minnie with that strange pixie dust she was throwing around at the start.
"What is this, it makes me feel…kinda funny," Minnie wondered.
"Don't worry, Minnie. It's just a little thing she does. How do you feel?"
"It makes me feel good," she said.
The dust was in fact a type of aphrodisiac, mixed and used by exotic Neverland fairies. The two were dancing about when Daisy caught Minnie staring at Princess Jasmine, who was wildly dancing around a stripper pole.
"She gives private lap dances in those rooms behind that big curtain, you know. All you have to do is go up to her and ask. You want one?"
"Well, this is all so sudden," Minnie blushed.
"Whoops, too late. It seems she already has a customer," Daisy said as Jasmine was leading Meg to one of the rooms behind the curtain.
"What's Meg doing here? I thought she was with Hercules," asked Minnie.
"She was, and still is. Like me, she swings both ways. A lot of us here do, as a matter of fact. But there are some hard-core lesbians here, take Mulan, for example."
Instantly, Daisy immersed herself in the crowd out of sight as Mulan appeared behind Minnie, who starting feeling her up while dancing. Minnie craved the long-awaited attention and let Mulan's hands feel from her thighs to the sides of her belly, and up to her breasts.
"Nice to see you here," she said quietly in her ear. She gave Minnie a lick from her neck to her cheek, which sent chills down her spine, while still dancing directly behind her.
Minnie, assuming the role of the female, started to grind. Everyone in close proximity started to cheer for her, and some started to approach Minnie from the front. The first was Belle; she grabbed her waist and danced with her a few minutes. When she backed off, foxy Maid Marian came with a seductive look in her eyes. She danced the closest, inch by inch until the two were practically face to face. Her wild, mesmerizing fox eyes never left Minnie's, and her fox tongue found its way into Minnie's mouth. Mulan was still behind her, but she eased off the groping to let Marian do her thing. One after another, various females crowded around Minnie, making her feel appreciated and secure.
This is where I belong, she thought to herself.
Daisy reappeared after a few hours and the two danced, drawing nearer and nearer to each other. Minnie looked upon her friend with a new perspective. The person she had known for years suddenly became renewed. They looked into each other's eyes, both knowing full well what the other wanted. They embraced with a full on French kiss, and made out to everyone's delight.
After a few more trips to the bar and a few more dances, it was closing time. Everybody cleared the building, when Minnie realized she was too drunk to drive.
"We'll take a cab," Daisy insisted.
Nearly stumbling out of the door, the two hailed a taxi when suddenly Mortimer appeared out of a low-end bar, alcohol on his breath.
"Oh fuck, here comes Mortimer," said Daisy.
"Minnie! Minnie? You're a-a-" Mortimer couldn't believe his eyes.
"Back off, numb-nuts," Minnie shoved him aside and opened the taxi door.
"Good one, Minnie," Daisy was pleasantly surprised.
They left him stunned and confused, and took the taxi home. When they got there, Minnie paid the driver and the two went in the dark house.
"My feet are killing me," Minnie complained, and she kicked off her shoes.
"Mine too, let's sit on the couch," suggested Daisy.
As they sat down, Daisy spread her legs out and motioned for Minnie to nestle up against her. Minnie nodded and, with her knees to the carpet, pressed her face against the duck's soft, feathery crotch. Daisy's plan had worked. It took a while for the right moment to make her move, but when Mickey left everything fell into place. Enjoying the oral pleasure, she tilted her head back with a big smile let out a heavy sigh.
"Do I know how to plan a day or what?"
*Authors note: it was customary for The Magic Lamp to serve drinks named after various closeted women, not to pay homage, but to make fun of and alienate those women.