Title: The Good Kind (Take My Tortured Heart by the Hand and Write Me Off)
Category: Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D.
Genre: Romance
Ship: Ward/Simmons
Overall Rating: Mature [TEEN]
Word Count: 3,399
Summary: "But what she longs more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward."
I
-we're at the beginning-
The first time Simmons really looks herself in the mirror she memorizes her flaws, from the the hollow look in her eyes to the tremble in her bottom lip. It doesn't take her long to turn away, she feels unbeautiful.
She takes in her surroundings. Her one bedroom apartment that holds few belongings, but it's home. Her home. And she's unsure when she'll return.
She's been reassigned to a smaller task force. She isn't given much detail, but she doesn't complain. A job is a job.
Anything that takes away from her pain. Right?
She thinks this will help her forget the past, that she will be able to forget him. The betrayal still runs deep within her veins, it's a wonder that she was able to fool anyone. If S.H.I.E.L.D. was really smart they would have never given her the okay to return to work.
Sometimes she forgets she's a better actress than she gives herself credit for.
She doesn't hesitate to look back when she shuts the door behind her. She never liked those damn red walls anyway.
When she steps onto the Hub she cringes at the sight before her.
Fitz. (As if that says it all).
It feels like forever since she last saw him. Heck, it has been almost three years since she finally made up her mind and decided that lab work just wasn't what she wanted out of life. She reminds herself that he was the one who stopped talking to her. Not the other way around.
She can't blame him though- she turned her back on their years of hard work for a silly little fantasy, in a romance that was filled with nothing but deceit. It's almost too unbearable to think of.
It's not the sight of him that makes her regret accepting this mission, however. It's the two men arguing before her that instantly tells her this is going to become a disaster.
She ponders on how to approach them, but in the end it's Fitz that notices her first. His anger bleeds through her pores. It doesn't sting as much when the taller man, the one who had his back to her, turns in her direction and really looks at her.
She doesn't recognize him but she's pretty sure he knows who she is. Everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. does. Simmons is the girl who let her emotions dictate her decisions instead of her gut- it almost put an end to the world.
She really should get an update on all the field agents. She knows she never will.
And he's still staring at her. It sends a thousand tiny, uncontrollable, shivers down her spine.
If only he would stop… so she clears her throat, "I'm here to speak to Agent Coulson. I'm Agent Simmons... I'll be working with you until further notice."
"I'm Agent Ward… and this is Fitz." He reaches out a hand to welcome her but she saves him the trouble of having to deal with the consequences of touching her.
It's Fitz's scoff that tells her she can leave now so she makes her way up the spiral staircase and silently begs that next time he'll slap her. Anything that'll remind her there's still a person inside.
Things on board finally slip into routine and by the third week on the job Simmons unsure if she can call Ward a friend, she's not the kind of girl to have friends. But the silent mornings they share with one another are not unpleasant.
Whether it's him cooking breakfast and her finishing up his crossword puzzles it slides into a comfortability she doesn't like.
She can sense his eyes on her and it's like she's being exposed. She hums to distract his wondering eyes from her calves, yet she still chooses to sleep in t-shirts twice her size without shying away from the fact that it cause him to stare.
It's a dangerous game she's playing, she know this. A part of her wants this, however, so she gives in… just a little bit. Besides, if she starts wearing real pajamas now she knows that he'll know that she's finally caught on.
But he's a man and like all men they have fantasies so she'll let him hold on to this one.
It's not like it means anything.
No one knows for sure what she does. Well, except for her and Coulson.
Fitz and Ward are becoming extremely impatient with all the secrets. All she has to offer on what she does is that it's not as big of a deal as they'd like to think. Her heart's not in it to tell them why. And Coulson has given her strict orders to keep what she knows to herself.
It's the least she can do.
Skye's the first to attempt to crack her walls and it ends with her being a ravenous bitch. She's really broken the silent peace agreement now. Good, she thinks. That'll teach them not to push buttons with warning labels on them.
She can't help but feel a little guilty though. It wasn't as if Skye new the rules. After all, she was new.
It causes the rest of the team to act fraught and she decides that perhaps she needs to fix this mess. So later that night she walks to Skye's bunk not even bothering to knock before entering. The other girl is sitting on her small twin size bed looking at something that Simmons assumes must be pretty important. She hadn't even noticed her not so subtle entrance and she has to give Skye a small tap on her leg to get her attention.
She doesn't look at her when she speaks, "I'm sorry about earlier Skye. I shouldn't have said what I did. If I'm being honest it was an attack against myself. Not you. Eventually you'll figure out things for yourself, things involving the people on this plane and S.H.I.E.L.D. It's not all pleasant…, but my point is I'm someone you shouldn't want to get to know."
Skye gives her this funny look, one she recognizes. She's not sure what she was hoping for because if it was forgiveness than she's out of luck and it takes a whole lot of willpower to stand up again.
She gets it though. You don't talk about someone's unpleasant past unless you're trying to break open old scars. She was cruel to be cruel, not cruel to get you off my back.
And she's out of there before Skye can say anything. Simmons learned a long time ago that feelings led to trouble and trouble led to disaster.
When she bumps into Ward in the hallway she immediately regrets her decision to fix the situation.
There's something about him that gives her a tingling sensation that he could be the missing piece to her story and it's like he knows her better than herself.
Funny.
They've barely spoken a word to one another. His actions speak louder than words, she's learned it's his way of communicating, and when it comes down to it she wouldn't change those quiet moments they often share for anything in the world.
Not the time when she almost fell off the stool trying to grab some silly old family ingredients, not when he asks her to play board games, and not even the times he spars with her.
She'll never admit to feeling afraid, but it scares her because if she recalls correctly the last time the words freedom spoke to her heart it had cost her everything she held dear. She can't afford to shatter any more of the glass that made her who she is.
Or, at least, who she was.
"Sorry."
Sorry seems to be the only word she knows lately. A quick pace, she accepts, will get her out of anymore uncomfortable situations. However, he's fast on his toes and his fingers slide around her delicate arm.
"Simmons. I…, I know I'm not the kind of person who should be giving advice but if you think it's not okay to feel... than you're wrong. It's in our nature to make mistakes and to be angry and sad that we messed up, but we have to let ourselves heal eventually."
A surge of relief washes over her then, and yet, it's just not enough. It's not enough to motivate her to believe in him. To believe in herself.
"Hasn't anyone ever told you Agent Ward that people who seek advice already know the answer they're looking for? It's permission they're seeking, not guidance."
She doesn't regret speaking her mind this time. At least, not to him.
Days later the team finds out that she's not just Agent Simmons, but Dr. Simmons. Thanks to Coulson revealing that she actually has two PhD's. Fitz is the only one who doesn't look shocked and it all leaves them curious.
He knew long before all of them that she had specialized in biochemistry. In a life that didn't consist of hitting things and death.
They all start to come to understand why she's here, but they're still missing all the pieces.
She finally finds herself to be relevant and that she can contribute to the bunch. She gets to examine a dead body- the science portion doesn't bring her joy like it used to, not when she's looking at this poor man's cold face and seeing a devastated family in the back of her mind.
It doesn't occur to her that this infectious disease, if you will, can be caught. No, not until hours (days? she's unsure) later when her and Fitz are locked inside the lab and she's running a really high fever. They strain themselves into finding a cure because it's who they are, it's what they do.
She just never thought that this is how things would end for her, but she doesn't cry. She's not weak, never weak. So as she asks Coulson to tell her dad first she's surprised to feel a tear dripping down her cheek. It's best to let it fall, maybe they won't notice. But they all do and when she sees tears in Skye's eyes it's the first time in years that she lets herself smile.
Who would have thought someone would cry over her? The thought itself makes her want to laugh.
She refuses to look at Ward. She can feel his questions penetrating her. Why didn't you tell any of us you knew Fitz? Why do you live your life in the dark? Why are you willing to let yourself die? She just doesn't have the answers.
Death brings people closer, Simmons realizes.
Because Fitz is trying so hard to stay professional but through it all they're friendship is stronger than ever and she mentally tells herself that he must know how much he means to her… just as she's making sure the blow to his head only does enough damage to make him pass out.
The only way to protect her team is to jump. She needs to do things right for once. It hurts like hell when he shouts out her name but she's already free falling through the air.
The drop is taking longer than she expected and she tells herself she's not afraid.
She most definitely is.
She's not afraid for herself though. She's afraid that this what her life will add up to: a waste. Because she wasted more than half of it being somebody she never wanted to be. If only she had a little more time.
Yeah, to screw it up more. She hates herself for thinking it, but she does. Her eyes close then, just when a pair of masculine arms wrap around her and something sharp stabs her in the thigh.
When she feels herself hit the water it's the first time she opens her eyes and she finds herself surprised to find that it's Ward who's holding her so close.
"I never thought I'd see you in hell."
She drifts off again and this time she hopes she never wakes up.
She's silent, like always, when Coulson yells at them. She doesn't let him see what she's really feeling. She saving this rage for a particular someone, "It won't happen again, Sir."
When they're out of his office she corner's Ward and her hand goes flying across his cheek.
"You should have let me die. It's what I deserve."
It's the cool hand that he puts to her cheek that stuns her. He really should know better. It lasts about ten seconds until it's the opposite hand that lands a blow to other side of his cheek when he knows to let her walk away.
It's been two months since she jumped out of the plane, two months since Ward saved her life, and two long months since she's said more than five words to anyone.
It's been two months and she still hasn't been able to stand in the same room as Ward.
But when Fitz comes to have a little chat with her in the kitchen, she gets that it's affecting everyone's ability to do their job.
He begins hesitantly, "I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I do know one of you has to fix it."
She wants to make things better. It's just not in her to.
"Coulson wants the problem resolved. He says that he only needs one field agent. And surprisingly I don't want it to be you that has to go. We both know who he'll send packing, Jemma."
Her first name hasn't been whispered in so long it's like she doesn't know who this Jemma is anymore.
"When did you figure it out?"
She stops from taking a bite into her sandwich to look at him.
"I always knew why you were here Simmons. You can pretend to know and believe what Coulson tells you, but I think it's a little more complicated than that."
The pat to her shoulder confuses her more and when he steals the sandwich from her hands she doesn't fight him on it. She just returns the smile.
She doesn't have to understand all at once.
Simmons is the first to approach Ward. He's sitting in the lounge, seemingly invested in what he's reading, wearing glasses that Simmons undoubtedly finds to be very attractive.
She really hates to think this is the man she slapped. Twice.
"Agent Ward? May I have a five seconds of your attention?"
He glances at her for a moment and she kind of just wants Coulson to go ahead and kick her off the team already. She'd been avoiding Ward for a reason. If she was gone she wouldn't have to face the damage done.
"I've been informed that this dispute is causing problems within the group and I would like to resolve it."
He's still glancing at his book, but she knows. She knows he's paying attention. And it causes something in her to snap.
"Fine, you don't want to look at me then go ahead and pretend to be reading your precious book. But I know you're paying attention. And I have a few things I'd like to say to you, but if you're expecting an apology you're not going to get one... The thing is I don't regret slapping you because I didn't asked to be saved. Maybe I shouldn't have jumped, maybe I shouldn't have slapped you, maybe the second one was too much. I don't know Agent Ward, but I do regret that I never thanked you for jumping out of a plane for me regardless of the circumstances," As her fingers become intertwined with the hem of her shirt it takes all of her courage to finish speaking, "I'm a very damaged person inside, Ward. And I'm pretty sure that I'm unsavable… It's why I have been so angry with you... You risked your life, something that is so precious and valuable. I'm angry because when you compare our lives mine is meaningless, if someone were to die, it should be me. I may walk and talk like a living being but I'm dead on the inside. My point is- You can't bring something back from the grave and I don't want it to be hanging over my head if you die to save me, especially when I know I don't deserve the right to breathe the same air as the rest of you."
Her tone becomes hitched and she has to swallow that last bit down. She wasn't expecting to use so many words but here she was giving the best damn speech of her life.
He's giving her that soft look that he saves just for her as she tries emerge herself in thoughts that doesn't consist of him and the way that he makes her feel. The sound of his voice, so soft and gentle, frightens her. Because he can see past her lies and into that dark pit in her heart that holds her truths.
"I wasn't looking for an apology, just trying to give you some space. But I have to say I disagree with you, Simmons. I believe you can be saved, that you want to be saved," his fingers gently brush a few strands of her hair behind her ear, "You just won't let anyone save you because you think it'll do more damage to your soul than what's already been done. And that's why you're angry… because I could be the one to save you. If you let me."
It hits her hard when she realizes the intent in his words. It's in his eyes that he doesn't quite understand them himself, but she gets it better than she wants to.
She musters up the courage to hurt him and it breaks every little piece of her that's left, "Do you really think you can save me when you couldn't save your own brother?"
It sounds dirty coming out of her mouth and she sees the hope in his eyes die. Mission accomplished. Sometimes you have to be cruel to get your point across and it really makes her hate herself worse than she already does. It breaks her heart that when he walks away he's taking all of her with him.
When she makes it back to her bunk she falls soundlessly on her bed and buries her head deep within the pillows. She's not sure how long she lays awake. It must've been a lifetime because she's had time to replay all of her wrongful decisions over and over again.
She wants to tell everyone the truth. From beginning to end.
She can't. She just can't do it. And it kills her.
Because how can she be honest with those she's grown to care about when she doesn't know how to be honest with herself?
And she begins to long.
She longs for London, she longs for her worn out books, she longs for her parents and her one bedroom apartment, she longs to be miserable in silence, and she longs to wither away with the echoes of past sins.
She longs to not have Agent Coulson and May looking out for her.
She longs to get rid of Skye's optimism and lost but found friendship with Fitz.
But what she longs for more than anything is to not be on the edge of stepping into a world where she learns to love again. Because what's unacceptable is this longing to be in love with Grant Ward.
What she doesn't know is that she's already there, already loving him. And all it took was for him to see her standing there, dismantled and worn out, and see that she was this beautiful miracle bound to happen.
But she broke it, because she breaks everything.
So she cries because no ones there to see her walls finally crack and she know by tomorrow morning she'll have to pick herself up again. She'll have to pretend like nothings changed because that's what she's good at.
She doesn't know when she falls asleep but when she does she finds that her dreams allow her to find something called faith. And she really hopes by the time she wakes up she can hold on to it forever.