Disclaimer: yeh...so I don't own South Park or the creators if I did though it would just be porn and all South Park fans would hate me...
Warning: A butt-fuck ton of cursing its fucking South Park what did you expect? :) enjoy.
Prologue: Fucking Mondays
It's Monday. It's the first day of school. And like any other teen Stan Marsh is not ready. The only thing he looks forward to is his bed. He grumbles and stumbles his way to his bathroom. He begins his daily rituals of hygiene. Combing his hair even though he had that one freaking cow-lick that never laid down. Shaving his chin and brushing his teeth, he watched himself in the mirror. "Damn, I'm a sexy fuck," he said smiling with tooth paste plastered all over his face.
Returning to his bedroom he opens the last drawer and closet pulling out clothing that consisted of a brown leather jacket and a white t-shirt with jeans. He checked the clock realizing he had a shit ton of time so he went into the kitchen to eat.
"Morning Stan," his mother, Sharon greeted. Her warm motherly smile naturally appeared as she stood in her pink slippers making Stan smile softly. She set some waffles, eggs, and bacon down in front of him. He eyed his meal for a second before devouring the whole plate in an inhuman speed. Even with being a lean muscle bound fucker he ate like Cartman and never got fat. Lucky ass.
"Secwonz! (Seconds!)," he mumbled face stuffed with food. His mother shook her head disapprovingly. She then scorned him for trying to drink the orange juice from the carton. Clicking her tongue feigning annoyance but glad he was healthy, she gave him more food.
"Morning Stan! Morning Shelly!," Randy Marsh yawned coming down stairs in his open blue robe. Stan cringed trying to avert his eyes. He wasn't wearing underwear. Sometimes Stan was so done with his father.
"Eww dad! Did you just scratch your fucking ass?!," Shelly screeched. The now brace-less senior in high school feigned a choking noise and got up from the table. Stan decided that was a good idea because his parents were now making out.
"Dude, fuck this," he growled grabbing his bag and throwing on his sneakers. The weather wasn't bad but, it wasn't all that nice either. It made him glad he was wearing a jacket, that's for damn sure. He had too much time to wait at the bus stop and Shelly was being a bitch, so she defiantly won't give him a ride. He then opted to go to his super best friends house.
Kyle's house was just down the street. Even from a distance you could still hear Sheila's loud voice. It seems Gerald can't find his socks and Ike isn't listen to her. It sounded very chaotic, but it was a good way to past time.
"Hello mama Broflovski," Stan greeted as he came in the door. He had his own key and yes, it's gotten to the point where they don't even bat an eyelash at his arrival. Being super best friends with their son they see him a lot so he basically lives there.
"Stan!," Kyle exclaimed running up to his best friend throwing his arms around the tan boys neck eagerly. Stan chuckled as the smaller man basically jumped into his lap. He smelled of oranges. Stan wondered if the red head got some new shampoo. Wait, why is he thinking about this now?
"Haha nice to see you too, Kyle," Stan smiled his hands resting on Kyle's hips. "Hope ya didn't miss me too much," Stan had went to 'jack it' in San Diego for the summer and Kyle went to Jersey.
"Boys, you called each other every day and texted every other day. A few weeks apart is healthy," Sheila scoffed and rolled her eyes. She then disappeared back into the kitchen.
"Anyway...you ready to go, dude?," Stan pointed toward the door hinting he was good to go.
"Uh...one moment...MAh! Where is my boot?," Kyle yelled down the hall.
"At the door! Have a great day Bubbah!," Sheila bellowed out. Kyle made an 'ah!' sound quickly putting on his other dark brown boot. His outfit was composed of his usual dark green long sleeve shirt (his favorite color) and skinny jeans. As they made it outside Stan promptly checked him out and slapped The shorter boy's ass.
"Skinny jeans should be banned for people like you," Stan winked and laughed at Kyle's blushing face. Messing with him was too much fun and too easy.
"Dude, you have a fucking girlfriend will you stop being so gay?," Kyle growled trying to hide his smile. He could never be mad at his super best friend for long.
"Ok but only if you stop wearing girl jeans it's distracting," Stan pointed out tauntingly.
"Dude, you know the reason why I have to wear them," Kyle snapped. He was a diabetic and skinny as hell so men's pants just don't cut it. Plus he likes the way they fit anyway.
"Hey...Kenny is probably cooking right now, you wanna go to his house?," Stan offered. Kyle shrugged indifferently. He loved Kenny's food though. The blonde was amazing at cooking. Also his baking was absolutely orgasmic.
Making it to the poorest house in South Park the boys knocked on the door. Well, Kenny's family has gotten better now that both Kenny and Kevin also have jobs to contribute financially. "Knock knock mother fucker open up!," Stan called out. Usually he would be more polite entering the house like how he would do with Kyle's folks. However, Kenny's parents don't give two fucks plus they're probably high and drunk off their asses about now.
"Da fuq y'all want?," Kevin opened the door he was a college man just a year older than Shelly. He had stubble that he hadn't got rid of yet and a strong build. He was a mature looking Kenny without the super perv act but more of an super dirtbag act.
"Where's Kenny?," Kyle asked. Kevin didn't answer he just opened the door wider and they both stepped in. Once inside, they went down the hall and noticed that Butters was also there. He often visited Kenny's house usually because of Karen. She wanted to learn how to dance and Butters was a dance instructor at the studio so he helped her out for free. Kenny appreciated that a lot.
"Hey But-,"Stan was cut off by Butters raising his finger to his lips silently shushing him. The small blonde then motioned them to the mouth of the kitchen to just peep in. That's when they saw it.
"WHAT'S NEW PUSSYCAT? WOOOOaaaaahhhOOOOHHohoh," there was music playing and Kenny was serenading his little sister who was laughing hysterically. "What's new PUSSYCAT?," he was holding a piece of sausage to his lips like a microphone and making weird dancing motions purposely singing off key.
"Aww isn't Ken just sweet?," Butters giggled he enjoyed looking for the good in people. To him despite his impressive record of sex with random people and getting I'm trouble with Craig's "gang", Kenny was a flipping angel. Kyle and Stan just looked at each other trying not to laugh. They thought it was cute that Butters had a little crush on the other blue eyed kid. Even if neither of them knew it yet.
"Yo, Kenny I hope you know you have a stalker over there," Stan teased as he walked into the kitchen. Kenny wasn't even embarrassed he just welcomed him. It is hard to embarrass a kid with no shame.
"Oh really? I wonder who it is? Do they want my nuts? All they have to do is ask...," Kenny pretended not to know although he had a pretty good clue of who it was.
"Well, a hint. It's not me," Kyle walked out with his hands up in mock surrender.
"G-guys! No fair! I'm not a stalker!," Butter finally walked out, his face fully flushed red. Kenny smirked all knowingly.
"Butters!," Karen cheered. She really liked him. Butters held his arms open as said girl ran into them. He gave her a kiss on the cheek and she giggled turning red.
"Hey Buttercup! Where's my hug and kiss?," Kenny teased. Butters over heated not realizing it was a joke and he wasn't obliged to do it. Butters was wearing dark blue skinny jeans that were rolled up above his ankles and a light blue shirt with hello kitty on it (he has become more open about his obsession with that cat) and his yellow sneakers. Meanwhile, Kenny was in some fitting jeans that girls say makes his ass look fucking heavenly and no shirt. While he wasn't as muscular as Stan was he had a nice amount muscle. Made him look damn good that's for sure.
"Hey! No teasing my innocent Butters ya pervert!," Kyle scorned suppressing a smile to show he meant business.
"It's o-ok," Butters rubbed his knuckles together and then scooted closer to Kenny. He threw his arms up on his back as Kenny returned the favor around his hips and they embraced for a while. It was impossible not to like any physical contact with Kenny. He was warm and made you feel safe besides this was also shirtless Kenny! Who wouldn't wanna hold that shit? Finally, Butters broke away trying to stifle a tiny whine.
"Hay! Where's my kiss?," Butters turned even more red and then turned back around. He got up I'm his tippy toes (because Kenny was pretty tall) and pecked him on the cheek. He then retreated behind Kyle. "Such a lovely kiss I'll make sure to remember it forever," Kenny smirked caressing the air around his cheek trying not to touch it.
"Yeah, yeah, tend to your sausages or they'll burn," Kyle waved him off. He was pretty protective of Butters' innocence and knew the dirty blond was out to get it. Kenny loved virgins. He loved them a lot.
It took Kenny a second to make a fabulous breakfast for everyone. There were omelets, French toast, bacon (which Kyle couldn't have), pancakes, and a lot more.
"Damn...Kenny this was delicious...," Stan yawned rubbing his belly chub. Even though he ate earlier, this guy could eat a dump truck and still ask for seconds.
"Seriously, Ken this food is of the d-devil, it's sinfully delicious," Butters smiled cheerfully. Kyle (being like his mother) wiped the crumbs off his cheeks.
"Why thank you," Kenny smiled as he bowed. He put the dishes in the sink. He would let his mom get to them later.
"Guys we have 15 minutes and I don't think we want to be late on the first day," Kyle warned.
"Oh geez! Ken put a shirt on lets go!," Butters jumped out of his chair. "My parents will ground me if I'm late!," he freaked.
"Hah...it will be ok Buttercup," Kenny sighed. He grabbed the least dirty shirt (which was a black Nirvana shirt) and his signature orange sweater. "Bye, my cute little sister!," Kenny hugged Karen.
"Have a great first day at school," Butters wished to her and kissed her forehead. Kyle and Stan waved goodbye, they weren't close enough for hugs and kisses yet.
"Bye, dumbass," Kenny said in a mockingly sweet tone towards his elder brother. "Bye, Mom, Dad!," Kenny bellowed out.
"Don't get your teeth knocked out Kenneth," Kevin warned holding up his fist before settling back into the couch. Watching "Beavis and Butthead" drinking a Pabst blue ribbon enjoying his morning.
The one good thing about South Park was you could get anywhere under 20 mins by walking and 15 mins of you were driving. Aren't little red-neck mountain towns just lovely? Seeing that South Park High School was just around the corner from Kenny's house the boys opted to go to the gas station across the street. So Kyle can buy some Arizona tea.
"It stinks in here," Stan frowned knowing that toneless uninterested voice anywhere. "Marsh", it was Craig. Craig insisted that they be mortal enemies. Although Stan had no problem with Craig other than him being a complete asshole, they could be friends. Maybe even good friends.
"Tucker," Stan spat back.
"Tch," Craig made a disgusted face and flipped the other raven off. Clyde and Token, who were both by his side, smiled in acknowledgement. It was weird how they all changed but stayed the same. Craig was a tall fucker that towered over Stan by a few inches. Clyde lost his baby fat but, still has his adorable chipmunk cheeks. Token, well he is still the suave black son of a bitch he always was.
"Yo Craig!," Kenny came up breaking the tension. Just a while ago he was chatting up some chick and got her number. Oh yeah, they were fucking tonight. That's just how Kenny operated. He was the town whore and proud of it. He knew every face and banged at least half of the population in South, North, and even Middle Park. Boys and girls he doesn't care. Kenny gives wet dreams to all.
"Hey Kenny they're gonna do a morning assembly for the freshman you wanna ditch and have a smoke?," Craig asked. Him and Kenny usually hung out. They didn't get in trouble. They were trouble. They like to light shit on fire and to get into fights.
"Sure," Kenny shrugged. After that conversation Butters bought his favorite blow pop candy (gaayyy!) and the boys were on there way.
"Ah shit here comes fat ass," Kyle growled. The fat boy drove up by them in his moms car slowly (as he instructed her) flipping them off. "Fuck you Cartman!," Kyle snapped.
"Stahp bein sucha Jewrat Kahl!," Cartman spat out.
"I'm Jewish! For the last time stop being so racist!," Kyle was getting a headache.
"Like I said for the last time stop being such a Jew rat...anyway mom drive faster I don't wanna catch his dirty Jew disease...for everyone else...you're assholes except Kenny, he is a man whore and Butter is a fag," Cartman sped off.
"I'm kicking his ass when we get to school," Kyle promised.
Arriving to the school they noticed someone on the roof. "Is that Kevin Stoley?," Kyle pointed out.
"Oh GOD! Is he gonna -ngh jump!? Too much pressure nooooo!," the voice that could only belong to Tweek, was on the verge of tears. The boy took a sip of coffee to calm himself down. Funny how that works.
"Calm down kid," Craig voiced stoically towards Tweek. "Hey Stoley! Do it!," everyone stared at the teen who just cheered someone to commit suicide.
"What're ya doing!?," Clyde grabbed his best friend by the shoulders.
"Ya man, not cool," Token bellowed out. Usually Craig would listen to Token but this time was different.
"Do it!," Craig roared out again.
"DO IT DO IT DO IT DOIT!," Cartman yelled. Kyle glared at him holding his fist up showing he was well prepared to kick ass.
"Dude, you've reached the height of douchiness!," Stan yelled. However before he could punch some sense into him, Kevin turned around and pulled his pants down mooning the whole school. "What the actual fuck?," Stan stumbled backwards in shock. Clyde, Craig, and Kenny were laughing like stoners uncontrollably.
"Geezus, next time you do something like this leave me out of it," Token mumbled.
"It was so worth it though," Craig chuckled lowly. Kenny was on the verge of tears because, Craig was laughing but his face was completely straight. "It worked better than I thought, you should have seen all of your faces," he pointed out.
"Hey! Stoley! We have your payment right here!," Clyde yelled waving a limited edition SkyWalker figurine. Stoley, red faced, pulled his pants up and walked away to go down the stairs and collected his prize.
"Haha wow, that Craig is a psycho...right?," Stan looked when there was no response and found that Kyle was gone. "Where the hell...?," he searched around as all the kids were laughing about what happened and saw two figures standing at the school board. One figure belong to his super best friend and the other to his girlfriend. The school board posted the names and grades of each student and how they ranked in the entrance tests. "What's up guys?." No response. Stan rested his arm around both their hips trying to get their attention. When it didn't work he asked what was wrong.
"I got...third," Wendy said in a shocked voice.
"I g-got second," Kyle said in a shaky voice. Shaking his curly red locks back and forth he checked the board again.
"So who got first?," Stan asked confused. He knew they would compete all the time for who got the highest grades and usually it was one or the other would get first. They were the smartest kids in school so who got first?
"Oh! Well, it seems I have received first!," a smug British voice exclaimed. Both Kyle and Wendy glared at him with killing intent.
"GREGORY?," they exclaimed in shock. After primary school Gregory went back to England to attend the oh so prestigious boarding school for the gifted of Yardale. That prissy bastard. Kyle wanted to kick his ass but, Gregory was just too damn charming. His blonde hair slicked back showing the clearest blue eyes in the world. He was a good looking motherfucker. His orange button up was tucked into his dark brown slacks showing off his thin waist. And he sparkles.
"Ah well I'm just gonna get to the auditorium I'd rather not be late...good bye", Gregory winked flirtatiously and walked off; his expensive loafers clicked loudly. Behind him followed his French companion. Who was looking extra pissed off this morning. Maybe he was also surprised by Gregory's return. He lit up a cigarette and walked into the school.
"Hey kid! Is that a shovel? Are you smoking? Wait is that a sword!?", one of the male teachers shrieked.
"It's called a rapier also, good sir we are responsible fellows. Well, at least I am we will never use these thing with bad intents," Gregory turned up his charm. Eventually, the teacher gave in but...
"Ok...but, you with the stubble you can't smoke here!," the teacher demanded he put it out.
"Stupeed leettle sheet," Christophe mumbled as he cringed his teeth. He stepped toward the teacher prepared to pull out his shovel until Gregory put his hand on the others shoulder. It was silent for a long time and then Christophe gave in removing the bud from his lips. Taking one last drag he threw in on the floor and stepped on it suggestively towards the teacher as if to say "tell me not to smoke again and this will be your head". They walked off leaving the teacher to shake terrified.
"That bastard...," Kyle mumbled. "Wendy?," Kyle turned to the girl who, since primary always wore a hat. It was just a silly habit that never went away.
"I understand...," she sighed. "From now on we must put our petty competition aside...we must crush that smug son of a bitch!," she bawled her fist tightly. This was war.
"Geez...lets go," Stan sighed dramatically. Grabbing them by their arms and dragging them into the school and eventually to the auditorium.
Upon arriving that took the nearest seats which landed them next to Cartman. "Hello, I welcome you new students, M'kay," the boys recognize that stuffy voice, big head, and stick body anywhere. Mr. Mackey is principal? "I hope you all know what we suspect from you this year M'kay," he paused making sure to stare at problem child number one, meaning Cartman.
"Fuck you man!," Cartman screeched and flipped him off simultaneously. Mr. Makey was appalled about how much worse Cartman had gotten. The only thing better about him is that he lost weight. The brunette was still an insufferable dick face but at least he was a healthy insufferable dick face.
"Anyway M'kay, I'll have one of your teachers to come up and talk to you, M'kay," Mr. Makey stepped away and a beautiful teacher stepped up. All the students cheered and the boys whistled. She was a bit old but sexy as fuck. She had tig 'o bitties and a slender waist with a nice ass. All the boys were ready to cream their pants...until she spoke.
"Hello guize, for some of you I will be your Homeroom teacher! I'm Ms. Garrison!", her southern accent rang a bell in the boys heads (both of them,). Now, the boys were disappointed and disgusted that they got so hot and bothered. The girls were laughing so hard they could hardly contain themselves and Cartman was screaming curses into the air.
"Fucking Mondays", Stan grumbled sitting back in his chair thinking on how to get rid of his boner.
Author'a Notes: Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it and I will be uploading again as soon as I can! Thank my BETA reader for fixing my crap grammar!
Please review.