I don't own Bully. If I did it'd be sick and I would've made the Wii version freaking easier to box the preps with. Jeez.
Spoilers ahead......kind of.
Derby carefully took his pocket knife to the blurry package tape on his moderately sized brown box. He left a considerable amount of room between the blade and his empty hand, so not to chip a perfectly manicured finger. Needless to say, it only made it harder to slice the damn thing open. The fire was crackling in his brick fireplace, the mantle sprinkled with his boxing trophies. It was a quiet night, though cutting open the box might cause a stir, and he might chuck it across the room like he did last year. And the year before that. And then before that. And so on and so forth.
"Knock kn--, aw screw it. I'm coming in anyway."
Tad made his way into Derby's master bedroom and sat himself on the leather recliner opposite Derby's carefully detailed red Victorian armchair. "A package? You know I'm sure the knife is actually supposed to go through the tape," he commented. Derby only needed to shoot him a look and hold the knife up before Tad closed his mother fucking trap and Derby set to work on the package once more. "Grandmum sent it. I already know what it is anyway," he grumbled. Tad raised a perfectly trimmed eyebrow.
The damn thing finally opened and Derby peeled back the cardboard, wincing at the snaps of the remaining tape and small shards of cardboard flying off. He left his pocket knife on his polished glass coffee table before pulling out the contents. Tad nearly rippled with laughter.
Derby sat their, a polished miniature race car in hand. "Does Grandmum know we're sixteen now and not five?" Tad asked, letting a few giggles sneak out. Derby let the thing carelessly drop back into the box and he rubbed his temples. "She sends the thing as jokes because my name reminds her of those stupid car races on TV. Like the Kansas Derby, or something," he explained. Tad couldn't help but burst into hysterics, nearly falling from the chair. He pulled the lever back, letting the chair snap back so he could lay back comfortably while laughing until he cried. "Ha, ha, ha. Yeah I get it," Derby grumbled. Suddenly, a flash of pink caught his eye at the bottom of the box. He shifted the shredded paper (such high-tech protection Grandmumsy, you really DO care) and plucked the sheet of pink paper into the open, before letting the box drop to the floor on his right side.
"Got a letter now?" Tad asked. Derby's eyes scanned over it, and he groaned and slumped in the chair. "What now?" Derby "Hpmh!"ed and crumpled the paper before chucking it at his friend. Tad flattened out the feminine stationary and read it over.
Dearest Derby,
I hope you enjoy your new race car! Your Grandfather and I simply adore watching those race cars drive around and crash on the television set, and since you share the name after one of the most important races ever, I thought it'd be a neat little jest on my part to send you a race car!
Anyway, I'm sure you know that when a male member of our family turns sixteen it's time to start the pairings to continue the family wealth. I'll simply get to the nitty gritty, and tell you that it's been discussed and you have been paired with your cousin Pinky.
Be nice! And don't forget to call me once in a while!
-Meemaw
Tad snickered, causing Derby to sulk even more. "Where should I even start? The fact you're stuck with Pinky or 'Meemaw'" Tad giggled. "I'd rather you start nothing," he answered. Tad put the letter on the table and leaned back again. "At least you weren't paired with Fatwad," he offered, trying to lift his spirits. He noticed the chill run through Derby's body.
Fatwad. Maltball. To be paired with her was a free ticket to a quick suicide on Derby's part. It literally took twenty-seven boxes of assorted chocolates to force her not to wear the trademark Aquaberry vest and let Bullworth know that of all people, Eunice was secretly a prep.
"Don't even mention her name in my presence. The only consolation I have is how hot Pinky is, because other than that I'm perfectly aware of her instant gratification problem as well a being a full-out diva bitch from the fiery gates themselves," Derby growled. Tad sighed and up righted the recliner. "So what do you do now?"
Derby growled and threw his head back in exasperation. "Win her over."
Seduction Attempt Number One: Poetry
A true noble prep such as ourselves acknowledges the power of well-strung words and an exceptional vocabulary not only makes ourselves appear more intelligent than the person we're talking to, but can also seduce a female. With careful precision, an exceptional string of words can become a beautiful poem that she will love.
-Tad's Guide to Teenage Love; Tip #32
Derby wasn't exactly too keen on the whole "In-Breeding" concept, not that too many preps were. A good chunk of the Harrington House were his second cousins or his first cousins, and Pinky happened to be in that handful. Aside from the diva attitude, he acknowledged her sleek frame and well, to be blunt, her sweet rack. He held some physical attraction, but he was almost positive that such an attraction was embedded into his genes from generations of in-breeding.
But it was what was expected from him, and let he be struck down now should he let Pinky see how nervous he was.
And so he sat at his rich mahogany desk, surrounded by balls of crumpled failed poems. He took his pen to the paper once more, his thesaurus at the ready, and tried to sound elegant, in poem form.
There once was a prep, Pinky/She certainly did not smell stinky.
No. Fuck fuck. No. Dammit, why was he suddenly sucking at his best subject? Wait....sucking.
He crumpled up the piece of paper and started anew.
Pinky, oh Pinky, with your seriously sweet rack/You don't know how much, I'd love to tap that.
Derby froze for a minute. Wait. Waait. Waaait. Reality hit him and he shoved that poem as deep inside the garbage can as he possibly could. He looked at his Rolex and groaned. One-o'-clock in the morning. He had a quadratics test first period that he definitely did not study for. He leaned back in his chair, groaning and grasping for ideas. He quickly shot back upright with a sudden stroke of genius.
He scribbled down his poem and, after giving it a good read a few times, deemed it worthy of his future wife. He carefully slipped on his loafers and sneaked outside, his poem tucked away in a pink envelop with her name on the front, with a heart sticker holding the flap down. He thought it was a nice touch. He didn't bother with his bike, it was too much of a hassle. At this hour only a few prefects were prowling around, and unfortunately one was always keeping watch over the female dorm.
He made it to the jock fountain, sighing in relief that the coast was clear here. He carefully made his way to the school parking lot, and saw no prefects yet. He stole a look behind him, and then ran like hell to the apple tree beside the girl's dorm and climbed up into it. He let a quiet sigh escape before climbing down into the lot before the girl's dorm, knowing the prefect never actually went in the vicinity of it, only outside. He pressed his toned boxer body against the wall and slid, grimacing about the stains and distress he was causing his recently pressed uniform. He made it to the arch and carefully tapped the letter to the bricks before making his way back to Harrington House.
Mission Impossible: Completed.
x-x-x-x-x-x
"Ohmygosh! Pinky! PINKYYYYY!"
Pink shot up in her bed, lifting up her eye-mask so one eye could evilly glare at Angie, who for some reason didn't sleep in on a Saturday like normal people. "What? I was sleeping! You know, that thing that happens late at night where everything gets DARK! I'm one of those people who actually need it," she hissed through her perfectly straight teeth. "Someone left you a love letter!" Angie squeaked in delight. Pink instantly jumped from her bed and slid into her pink bunny slippers. "Out of my way horse-face!" she called over her shoulder, feeling no remorse for the sight of Angie on her back like a stranded turtle.
She found a crowd of girls circled around the wall, oohing and ahhing at the letter carefully tapped to the wall. No one dared to touch it as if it might shatter right there, or Pinky might claw their faces off. She shoved the ugly people from the wall and tore the envelope off. She carefully opened it, noting the fresh fragrant of lemons, and scanned what it said. Was it from someone hot or gross? She considered the letter to be from Melvin, her number one fan, but disregarded the idea when she smelled the lemons. He'd probably go into a sneezing fit touching the letter with all the lemon scent. Maybe it was that handsome bad-boy she often saw running around. Jammy? Rimmy? Whoever he was, he was hot. Even if he was on the short side.
................(readreadread)
"What kind of shit is this?" she yelled, crumpling it and returning to her room.
Derby's heart sank from behind the courtyard wall. Didn't take a rocket scientist to determine that he was no Shakespeare. He sighed and shuffled his way to his math test, prepared to fail.
Roses are red, violets are blue. I want to put my money in you.
-D.H
Dear Derby,
You're a fucking dumb ass for sending her that note.
-God
"You know what? Fuck off Tad it was late at night and it seemed cool at the time, okay?!"
"Derby! You can go to the principal for using such language in my class!"
Seduction Attempt Number Two: Flirt and Switch
If you're blessed in the looks area, most girls will respond to your flirtatious antics. However, should that girl see you flirting with another girl, it's a possibility that girl will respond negatively to the other girl you are flirting with. This action on her part shows she doesn't approve of you with other females. There is a possibility of backfire, but for love you must take risks.
-Tad's Guide to Teenage Love; Tip #16
"Hey Pinky," Derby approached his wife-to-be with a warm smile, sitting next to her at the designated lunch table the preps had claimed for their clique. "Hey Derby. What's up?" she asked, taking a bite from her candy bar. "Not much, just needed to see your pretty face," he gave a chesire grin and spun in his seat, trying his best to look suave leaning with his back against the table. Pinky burst into a fit of giggles and spun with him.
Did she even know they were related?
"I'm serious. I bet you could eat sixty of those candy bars and not gain an ounce," he complimented. She laughed again, finishing off the bar and tossing the wrapped over her shoulder at a passing nerd. Derby took his cue and wrapped his arm around her waist. "Hey Derby, wanna give me your geography homework? I completely blanked and damned if I know where the hell the country 'Jordan' is," Bif called from across the table. Derby directed his attention from his arm candy for a second, oblivious to Pinky's sudden wandering eye. She bit her lip and carefully scanned the boy standing at the cafeteria entrance. He was standing next to that creepy (and strangely sexy) anti-social kid Gary. He was dressed in a basic uniform, not a single bit of flair or style, yet the way he held himself deeply interested Pinky. They were talking about something, and she gave a small smile when Gary nodded his head to their clique and Jimmy followed the gaze. She gave a small smile but he seemed not to notice.
"Yeah, massively inbred, and completely brainless."
"Very observing, Jimmy-boy."
She bet he was complimenting her, and was very sad when the bell rang and they ran off. Suddenly she felt Derby's hand squeeze her hip and she turned her head. "I'll see you later Princess, alright?" he smiled. She nodded and she walked off to biology. Princess. He knew what she liked. She figured the family had paired them together, and decided to go with the flow. If Derby could win her, what would be the problem? She'd find another hot cousin if he fell short of her standards.
...............................(gymgymgym)
Ugh, finally. That ridiculous physical education class was over. He could be doing something much more exciting than the standard curriculum, like boxing or fencing. But no, that grotesque, sweaty, and obese monster of a teacher felt it was necessary to throw rubber balls around. The only consolation he had was nailing Bucky in his naked mole rat. Oh how he squealed. Derby loved it when they squealed in pain.
He changed back into his uniform and carefully checked his appearance through the side of the mirror that wasn't cracked, and even then he had to look through the graffiti. Time for his plan's execution. He stood in the hallway by the entrance to the boy's locker room, his finger poised over his blackberry. He knew she was in there, she only had to come out. He checked his Rolex, his Blackberry on a different and very important screen. Fifteen past four. Where was the c--
Suddenly she walked out, and Derby quickly sent his text to Tad, letting him know it was time, and shoved it in his backpocket. He approached her, using every bit of strength not to throw up on the spot.
"Hey Eunice," he cooed, using his best flirtatious voice. She turned and got this shimmer in her eye. "Well hello there Derby. How are you doing?" she asked, returning the flirt in her voice. He swallow a wad of vomit and continued. "Nothing, I just needed to see a pretty face. Come, walk with me," he offered, slowly and reluctantly grasping her hand. He could feel bits of chocolate between her fingers, and he very slowly led her to the pool. "Oo Derby, you have such manly hands," she complimented. "Oh....uhm....well thank you. Yours is very.......soft. It's rather...uhm....nice," he offered back. She giggled. "Hey Derby, forget the walk, I know what else we could do."
Derby raised his eyebrow, and the next thing he knew he was on the ground. The ground was really cold. Wait, why were there decaying ceiling tiles and......is that a shower head? Suddenly he tasted a wave of chocolate and a hand dangerously near his crotch. He waved his arms for anyone passing in the......oh god. He glanced at the walls: No urinals. Eunice finally got off his face and started kissing his neck.
"RAPE! HELP! RAAAAAPE! RAPE IN THE GIRL'S LOCKER ROOM! RAAAAAAAPE!!! TAD! TAD I KNOW YOU'RE THERE! HELP ME! THE PLAN FAILED! I'M BEING RAPED!"
And of course, Tad didn't show. The opposite did. Pinky popped her head in. Eunice rolled off, and in the process slammed into the shower knob, soaking Derby in lava water. He shot up yelping like a puppy, and slid to the floor in front of Pinky. He lay there, wet and humiliated. She stared with confusion and interest. Tad said there was something going down at the gym building, but was this it?
"Uhm, hi Derby," she said. Derby gave a limp wave, before noticing Tad in the background. He was wildly gesturing, moving his arms up and down in front of him. Derby knew what he was trying to say. He hauled himself up off the floor, straightened his collar, and looked Pinky straight in the eye.
"Do you wanna go on a date with me sometime?" he asked. Pinky giggled and grinned. "Sure! Meet me at the movie theater on Thursday at five," and with that she walked off. Derby let out his breath, and approached Tad, loafers squeaking with each step. They just looked at each other for a little bit before Tad broke the silence, motioning to his chin.
"You got a little chocolate--"
"Shut up."
Seduction Attempt Number Three: Dating
If the woman you desire has accepted your offer of a date, she does hold interest. However, you can cause her to lose all interest, so it is important to follow the Bs:
Be on time.
Be well dressed.
Be well-mannered.
This is a very important step in gaining the woman as your girlfriend.
-Tad's Guide to Teenage Love; Tip #46
Derby carefully smoothed his hair in his mirror and straightened his tie. Finally. The date had come. He had been shaken when he heard that Pinky and that new kid were seen together at the movie theater. But that ruffian was not getting his new hot wife (he doubt he could even stand her) without him doing something about it. He carefully wrapped the bouquet of daisies and lilacs in paper and made his way out of the dorm. He noticed that the sun was out, and the movie theater wasn't that bad of a walk, so he set out on foot. However, he made the mistake of cutting through the parking lot exit, instead of the front gates.
Oh silly Derby, didn't he know what happened only two hours ago?
.....................(flashbackflashbackflashback)
She smoothed her skirt and hair before carefully folding the money into her pocket. She heard from various sources that the man she was looking for often loitered near the old school bus in the parking lot. She got an adrenaline rush knowing that the mere sight of him could make her heart sink and jaw drop, as if he punched her.
And he wasn't too bad looking either.
She finally made the dreaded walk, and the hard part was yet to come. However, if she wanted her revenge, she was going to get it. At first she didn't see him, but one sight of Algie running like a crazed lunatic made her think twice. And then the inevitable proof:
"RRUUUSSSSEEEELLLLLL!"
Yep, he was present.
She made her way to the parking lot, where Russel was stomping around with Trent and Wade like a gorilla. She swallowed every meal she had ever eaten and approached them. "Well well, what's Fatwad coming to our turf for?" she heard Trent sneer. She tried not to make contact with the vicious bisexual, and looked at the ground. "I need to speak with Russel privately," she muttered. "What's that butterball? We couldn't hear you over the ten pounds of chocolate in your mouth!" Wade hollered, sending them all into hysterics. She stamped her foot, "I said I want to speak to Russel!"
"Huh? Why do you want talk Russel?" Russel asked. She grimaced. "I have a deal to make," she offered, and waved the wad of cash as insurance. Russel's eyes grew wide. For a nineteen-year-old junior in high school that couldn't form a simple sentence, he sure loved money. "Keep talking Whale," he said. He waved off Trent and Wade and she sighed, she had made it.
"I want you to made sure Derby does not leave the campus today, got it? If you need to beat him up, even better. Every entrance has to be blocked for him," she told him. Russel rubbed his head, and for a minute she thought he didn't understand, but he finally nodded and snatched the money away. "Got it, Derby won't leave. Russel get his boys on it," he told her. She thanked him and waddled off.
.........................(endofflashback)
Ugh, there were those ruffian bullies again. Why were they making eye contact with him? He inwardly groaned, he did NOT need some D- buffoons ruining his day. Uh oh. Where they walking towards him? Oh god, it was their leader. Caveboy. He stepped in front of Troy and Wade and approached Derby. He stood his ground, crushing the poor flower stems in his hand. "What your name?" Russel growled. Derby gulped. This was a trick. A trick. A tricky trick. He could feel it.
He bit his lip, searching for an answer. "Uhmm.......my name? Well that would be the first name, or "prenom" in French. The name that the parents give when you're born--" and suddenly he found himself floating, thanks to Russel's fist enclosed around his collar. "YOU TELL RUSSEL YOUR NAME NOW!" the beast roared. Derby's heart was racing.
"Uhm....uh.....it's Tad," he finally stammered. Russel got a confused look on his face (Shocker there) and roughly let go of Derby's collar. "Oh, okay," he grunted, and allowed him to pass. He wiped the sweat from his forehead and straightened his collar. "Thanks," he spat, making his way down the path and through the gate. Out of the corner of his eye he saw an Aquaberry cruiser coming from the Vale and up over the bridge.
Oh fuck.
Derby frantically looked for a bush, a garbage can, SOMETHING to hide behind before Tad rolled up and--
"Hey Derby!" he shouted, giving a wave before carefully braking in front of the front gates. Derby slowly turned his head over his shoulder and suddenly wished he hadn't. Russel's fist slammed into his gut, knocking all the wind from him. Tad suddenly realize his mistake, and jumped on Russel's back, pressing his knuckles into his shoulders. "Run Derby!" he screamed as Russel threw him harshly to the pavement. "Tad I'm gonna fuck you up after this!" and Derby instantly took off for the bridge, knowing Russel would never follow him if he ran inside a building somewhere, or better yet the boxing house. But for a guy who couldn't form the sentence: "It is a nice day today" he was damn fast. Russel suddenly had a grip on the shoulder of his Aquaberry vest, and he heard the fabric rip and the flowers drop to the floor. He pivoted on his heel and made a sharp uppercut, sending Russel a few feet back. "You don't touch my fucking uniform you shit-covered monkey!" Derby was slowly going insane. He had forgotten all about the date, and was only focusing on this prick that decided to piss him off. His head jerked in the direction of sirens, and he bee-lined over to the beach railing and without even thinking, jumped over.
He thumped against the sand and thought he heard something crack. He pushed himself to his knees and crawled deep under the boardwalk. He heard the sirens close by, and forced himself even deeper into the shadows. He pulled out his Blackberry and shone the light around. The hobo that usually resided here was gone, leaving broken beer bottles and, aha! A dark blanket. He jammed his phone back in his pocket and pulled the blank up and over his head and curled his feet in. He heard a few cops on the beach, their boots stomping the sand into the boot designs. He saw the ray of a flashlight several meters away, and the returned to the street. He cursed under his breath - he got under a smelly hobo blanket for nothing?!
He kicked the damn thing off and shakily stood up. Sore -- everything was sore. He took a few steps forward, tripped, and rolled down the sandy hill. He finally landed on his stomach, the cool sand easing the pain a bit. He didn't want to get up, the sand felt so nice.
He didn't know how long he was laying there, but suddenly the sky got dark. Apparently no one cared about a face down teenager in the sand not moving. He suddenly remembered his date with Pinky, and his mind forced him to shoot upright. His body took the backlash, and he winced. He rolled his neck around and shook his arms. Nothing seemed broken, but damned if he wasn't getting a massage later. He slowly made his way up the stairs. He checked his watch but it was no use, the fall broke it and stopped it at 4:45 p.m.. He was about to reach the top when the wind was knocked out of him again.
Why the fuck was the new kid groping his cous-I mean future wife?! And why was she doing it back?!
"Thanks Jimmy, I had a great time. I can't believe Derby stood me up," she giggled. He fell on his ass on the step. Nothing was right with the world. He listened to them depart, and soon some footsteps approached him. It was Tad, looking disheveled, but not as beaten up as Derby was.
"Whoah dude, you okay? You look like shit," he helped Derby up. "No, you look like shit," Derby growled. Tad raised his eyebrow. "No I'm okay, maybe a little messed up but--"
Derby slipped off his loafer and dumped every grain of sand that was in their on Tad's head, and then repeated the process with the other shoe.
"No, you look like shit," and he walked home in his socks.
Seduction Attempt Number Four: Strength
This one is fairly self-explanatory. If the woman sees you as a wimp, she might not want to be your girlfriend.
-Tad's Guide to Teenage Love; Tip #92
"Who's the boss now my WASPY little friend?! Answer the question!" Jimmy screamed. Derby felt his his hair being pulled back, feeling an unpleasant breeze against his new black eye. "You are....." he croaked. "Louder!" "YOU ARE" Derby yelled, feeling sexually assaulted. Jimmy forcefully dropped Derby's head, and he felt everything go fuzzy. Jimmy gloated some more, and he heard the door slam close behind him. Parker slowly rose from the ground, gently cupping his future children. "Derby.....you okay?" he whispered, his throat sore from getting punched. Derby waved. "I'm just gonna lay here, tell everyone to stay out," he wheezed. Parker nodded and made his way over to the balcony where Chad lay. Derby panted against the floor, and grimaced when he heard the door creak open.
"Get the fuck out!" he yelled. But the footsteps approached him anyway, and something brown and white was put in front of him. Hands rolled him over, and he hissed in pain. He saw the dark hair and grit his teeth. "Parker, get away from me!" he snarled. But the fuzzy Parker put Derby's head on it's lap and put a cold ice pack on his eye. "Shut your face, it's Pinky," she whispered. His vision finally corrected itself, and she saw her dab a square of gauze in hydrogen peroxide and dab his arm. He relaxed to her touch. It was silent for the next while, before he got the courage to speak.
"If you don't wanna marry me that's fine. I know you could have Bif or someone else that's not a complete washout like me," he grumbled. "I think you forgot that Jimmy creamed Bif too, it wouldn't exactly be a nice replacement. Anyway, I like you," her bubbly voice was irritating, yet soothing. "But you and Jimmy, I saw you--" she interrupted him by rubbing a cut on his chin, making him wince.
"I was just mad you stood me up, but Tad found me and explained what happened. He also got sand all over my new shoes," she pouted. He smiled and sat upright. He scooted so he was next to her, and it was silent again, before they both broke out giggling. She shook her head, chuckling, and started working at his arm again. He watched closely, her front tooth biting her lip in concentration. He used his free hand to tilt her chin up and flick his tongue over it.
Pinky took the hint, and kissed him back.
Derby sat on his bed, nursing his eye with an ice pack, when Pinky walked through. "Hey, feeling better?" she squeaked -- er, said. He nodded and she sat next to him. It was silent again as Pinky twiddled her thumbs. Derby was about to say something when she spoke up first. "How are your shoulders and sides?" she inquired. Derby furrowed his brow. "Uhm, fine. Why?" he asked, curious at why she was so specific. She kicked off her loafers and pulled off her Aquaberry vest, only her blouse left. "'Cause I feel like doing this," she told him as if he were the silliest person ever. She suddenly threw the ice pack to the floor and pushed him against the bed, attacking his mouth. Derby responded, and they fought for dominance for a while. Derby opened one eye and reached into his nightstand drawer. He pulled out a velvet black box, but Pinky shoved it back in.
"Forget the ring, we both know the answer. Just get a condom," she growled. His eyes went wide, but he complied. "You sure?" he asked. She suddenly bit on a tender spot on his neck. Yeah, okay.
"Hey Derby how's it hang-- WHOAHHHH," and Tad ran out of the room.
"Who was that Derb?" Pinky asked from Derby's collarbone. "Just Tad," he voice grumbled, "Hey are you really sure you wanna go all the way so soon?" he asked again. She picked her head up and looked into his eyes.
"Put your money in me," he chuckled. He threw his head back in laughter and rolled her under him.
Derby failed to notice Tad slip back in and take the love guide. But it's not like he needed it anymore.
HOLY FUCK I FINISHED.