Monster
a/n: Written circa March 2009.
This is a part of a long set of drabbles I've written for a community on livejournal (fe_drabble). This won the week it was submitted for. I really like it, since I think it fits Naesala's character really well. The prompt for it was; "One's country ought to be defended, whether with shame or glory, by whatever means possible". Spoilers for FE10.
In regards to the length of this; the word limit for the drabbles on the community each week is 500 words. Hence why it's short. ;)
There was a time, when he didn't have to think on any of this. When he could carelessly go about each day, selfish and complacent.
That was a reason some laguz hated him. Selfish. But, he saw selflessness. He kept his country safe; he silently took up the blood pact with no words to any of his former allies; he did things he'd rather not relish. But he was never selfish. He sacrificed almost everything that he had to get to this point; that's not selfishness, is it? Perhaps he went the wrong way about it... but he was never selfish.
Some would never understand. They didn't have countries to keep on the brink of existence or Raven mouths to feed. Selling his next of kin for money wasn't a wondrous plan, but it was necessary, even if in his head he knew it was wrong, wrong, wrong. But it had to be ignored. It always had to be ignored.
He never would have thought, in his wildest daydreams, that he would be working with those humans, those beorc, as thieves, even against those he had once called friend. Sky pirates was not a reputation that he would've ever coined or fathomed or wanted his people to have.
But even if it's treacherous, and a crime against all his closest kin - he keeps a sliver of dignity. Begnion don't completely rule over him. He only stays as long as it's in his benefit - never longer, never less. He's not going to be a slave to that mark.
He hears their words. He may not have the ears of the Hawk King at his side to decipher them all, but he hears them all the same. Traitor, traitor, traitor. He knows it's the last straw when he hands the Laguz Alliance over to Begnion. He doesn't even know if the one who always forgave him will forgive him this time. They wouldn't even give him a chance to talk - not that he could tell them besides.
Even if Nealuchi stands by him, he doesn't share his thoughts. Nealuchi shouldn't have to give everything away to stand by a dastard crow like him.
But he is a Raven, and a Raven, despite being called callous crows nowadays, will never bow its head in shame or guilt. He knows what he has done as the monarch for a country that depends on him, and he won't file it away under lock and key. He will hold his head high, because he knows what he's done, and he doesn't want to hide it or lie; he'll smirk and sneer, to mask the conscience that they all believe he doesn't have.
He can see them in his mind's eye, in a line, eyes full of hate... and he can clearly hear them speak now. Easily.
"You're despicable."
Naesala doesn't deny it, for he can see what he's become.
He bitterly smiles, no purse strings attached, sacrificing all over again.
"I'm a monster."