This is pure parody. Thought I'd make that clear. I don't own anything except for the Superray concept. Also, please, I beg you, this isn't MST. Just another parody.
-The Author
In the year 2003, Peter Jackson and New Line Cinema presented a movie that would change the fate of many who watched it. That movie was The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. It covered the betrayal of Gollum, the Battle of Pelennor Fields, the madness of Denethor, and the ultimate destruction of the Ring. Upon viewing the movie, a cry went up among the fans:
E/F shippers: WHERE THE HELL IS EOWYN AND FARAMIR?
The epic romance of Eowyn, shieldmaiden of Rohan, and Faramir, Captain of Gondor, had been reduced to a cheesy smile at the end of the movie!
Aragorn: makes a boring speech about humility and unity
Everyone: applauds
Eowyn and Faramir: smile at each other
That's right! They reduced an entire chapter of the third book to make way for some stupid romance that had only been listed in the appendices!
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: You have a great destiny before you!
Aragorn: I love you!
Arwen: I give up my immortality for you!
Aragorn: Is that dress see-through?
The web nation felt the wrath of the E/F shippers. Long blogs were written, condemning Peter Jackson as the lowest scum of the earth. Fan fictions were written to fill in the gaps left by the movie. Fans were overjoyed to hear of the release of the Extended Edition.
E/F shippers: New and Extended Scenes! That must mean more Faramir and Eowyn goodness! I just won't eat for a while!
Armed with unhealthy snack foods and unnaturally thin wallets, E/F shippers sat before their new American altars, surrounded by Surround Sound, and watched with joy. It seemed promising.
E/F shippers: Hey! A scene called Houses of Healing! Another scene: The Captain and the White lady! Sweet!
The Extended edition had only two Faramir/Eowyn scenes, each barely lasting thirty seconds long. The scenes:
Houses of Healing:
Eowyn gets up and walks to the window of the Houses of Healing. She looks out and scans the horizon. She looks to the left of herself – and sees Faramir, Captain of Gondor, his arm in a sling, watching her. He leans against a pole and smiles a little.
The Captain and the White Lady:
Eowyn: OMG, the world is cold and depressing AND WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!
Faramir: I disagree.
Eowyn: You're so sweet!
She leans on his shoulder. He smiles a little.
E/F shippers: And…?
Hello? What happened to "they watched the battle with the wind blowing in their faces, mixing their hair together, raven and gold"? What happened to, "he kissed her above the battlements, and cared not who saw"? What happened to, "Will you have people say 'there goes Faramir, Captain of Gondor, who tamed the wild Shieldmaiden of Rohan, was there no woman of his own race to choose from'? And he said, 'I would.'"
Clearly, Peter Jackson messed up. Fortunately, the author of this piece of what is blatantly fan fiction happens to have a superray that can zap cast, crew, and set using models from movies and a pre-written script. And so, without further ado, silverjigsaw presents…
THE STEWARD AND THE WHITE LADY
In association with Peter Jackson and New Line Cinemas
Produced by & Directed by silverjigsaw
Starring David Wenham, Miranda Otto, Viggo Mortensen, Brad Dorif, Karl Urban,
Bernard Hill, Orlando Bloom, John Rhys-Davies, Ian McKellen, Elijah Wood, Sean Astin, John Nogle, and Sean Bean
Based upon the books by J.R.R. Tolkien
Golden Hall of Edoras
Eowyn: Your son is badly wounded, my Lord.
Theoden: wheezes
Eomer: Some of Saruman's orcs got him.
Grima: Lies! Filthy lies! Something must be done about you.
Thunder: and lightning
Some Random Shadowy Multi-Pillared Hall of Edoras
Eomer: Saruman bought you, didn't he?
Grima: Uh…what? Your sister's walking by and she has a nice can.
Eomer: Now I kill you!
Grima: Er…sorry…by order of the King Theoden you've been banished from the Kingdom. You are the weakest link, g'bye.
Theodred's Furry Bedroom of Edoras
Eowyn: cries over her dead cousin
Grima: Oh, he's dead. What a tragedy for you.
Eowyn: I am crying, aren't I?
Grima: Listen, babe, I get you. You're hot. I mean, you're cold. Cool. Fair. Really swell, you know? And I can fix that whole loneliness thing. Theme. Thing.
Eowyn: Wow, you have no eyebrows.
The Golden Hall of Edoras
Aragorn, Legolas, and Gimli: enter swarm converge punch kick maim head-butt
Grima: wets pants
Gandalf: The courtesy of your hall is somewhat lessened of late, Theoden King.
Grima: Go away! You're not wanted!
Gandalf: Hold your forked tongue! I have not battled fire and death to bandy crooked words with a witless worm!
Grima: Wow, that was a totally awesome line.
Gandalf: I release you from your curse, Theoden!
Theoden: laughs
Gandalf: Er…well…that wasn't supposed to happen.
Theoden: I'm really Saruman!
Legolas: Like my spider senses didn't tell me that already.
Gandalf: glows white
Theoden and Grima: wet pants
Eowyn: enters
Aragorn: grabs her
Eowyn: falls in love
Gandalf: jerks his staff
Gimli: That doesn't sound dirty at all.
Theoden: growls
Gandalf: jerks his staff
Gimli: Not at ALL.
Theoden: falls back
Eowyn: runs to him
Theoden: I know your face! You're…um…don't tell me…er…hold on, I'll get it…Eowyn, right?
Eowyn: cries
Golden Hall, later.
Theoden: We're under attack! Let's all slowly travel to Helm's Deep down an extremely vulnerable path where we can be easily ambushed!
Gandalf: I don't like it.
Aragorn: looks angsty
The Stables of Edoras
Servant: Crazy horse! Let's shoot it!
Aragorn: No, let me! Shush, horse.
Horse: falls in love
Eowyn: His name is Brego.
Aragorn: Hello, Brego.
Horse: nibbles on his ear
Aragorn: talks in Elvish
Eowyn: Wow, he can tame a horse, but can he tame ME?
Aragorn: Turn this poor guy free.
Horse: Nooooooo! Take me with you and your quiet handsomeness, Viggo!
Eowyn: No, take me!
Aragorn: looks angsty
Golden Hall
Eowyn: fake sword-fights
Aragorn: joins her
Aragorn: Wow, you can totally hold a sword up without falling over.
Eowyn: Yeah, you're pretty hot. I mean, I'm pretty good.
Aragorn: You scared of something, Princess?
Eowyn: Yeah…a cage. Except an entirely metaphorical cage, you understand.
Aragorn: Of course. Don't you worry your pretty head about it. I doubt that'll happen to you.
Eowyn: falls in love
Forests of Not Edoras
Sam: What we need's a few taters.
Smeagol: What's taters, precious?
Sam: Po-Tay-Toes! Boil 'em, mash 'em, stick em in a stew!
Frodo: is gone
Sam: Mr. Frodo? Man, and the only who's not supposed to wander off by himself. I'm a really bad bodyguard.
Frodo: is watching mercenaries travel to Mordor
Sam: What is that, Mr. Frodo?
Frodo: Mercenaries traveling to Mordor, Sam.
Sam: Well, speaking of Mordor, let's go there.
Frodo: Nah, let's watch the mercenaries travel for an excruciatingly long time.
Sam: I'd really feel better if we were off to Mordor.
Frodo: Really, I'd rather watch these guys walk by.
Sam: We really should get moving and leave the rabbit stew behind.
Frodo: I'm good.
Sam: They could see us.
Frodo: I'll slip on the magic ring so that no one can see me except the Enemy.
Sam: I give up.
Frodo: Okay, let's go.
Sam: No, wait, look, Mr. Frodo! Oliphaunts!
Mercenary: I keel you!
Hobbits: wet pants
Faramir: kills mercenary
Frodo: Wow, thanks, handsome stranger!
Faramir: gives a monologue about how the mercenary wasn't evil, making sure we know he's a good guy
Frodo: falls in love
Faramir: Well, blindfold these two innocent-looking dudes and take 'em to our headquarters!
On the Road to Helm's Deep
Eowyn: Here, have some stew.
Aragorn: looks angsty
Eowyn: My Uncle told me you're really old.
Aragorn: It's true. I'm 87.
Eowyn: Wow, you're old.
Aragorn: looks angsty
Later, On the Road to Helm's Deep
Eowyn: So, where'd you get the jewel?
Aragorn: Huh?
Eowyn: The jewel. On your neck? The only thing on your body that isn't sweaty, dirty, dingy, dark, or disgusting?
Aragorn: looks angsty
Eowyn: Crap.
Flashback
Arwen: In case you forgot, we're deeply in love.
Aragorn: I dream about you nightly.
Arwen: Even though we're not in the book.
Aragorn: Well, we get mentioned.
Arwen: Love you, doll.
Back to the Present
Aragorn: I got it from this hot elf chick.
Eowyn: Crap.
Legolas: My spider senses are tingling.
Theoden: We're under attack! Women and children, run for your lives!
Eowyn: Except me, right? You'll let me fight, right?
Theoden: Hell, no. You stay with the women.
Eowyn: looks angsty
Aragorn: Don't do that, dollface. Makes you look ugly.
Eowyn: Crap.
Attack of the Wolves of Isengard
Gimli: I can't ride a horse!
Warg: Grr!
Gimli: I keel you!
Legolas: kills warg
Gimli: is stuck under the warg
Goblin: Grr!
Gimli: headtwist!
Goblin: dead!
New Warg: Grr!
Aragorn: behead!
Gimli: Whew!
Aragorn: falls off cliff
Audience: Hah! Take that!
Cave in the Forests of Ithilien
Frodo and Sam: unblindfolded
Faramir: So, chaps, whatcha doing out here in the Forests of Ithilien?
Frodo: Uh…we're on vacation.
Sam: Mmhmm. That's right. Vacation.
Faramir: What are you, his bodyguard?
Sam: No, his gardener.
Faramir: Rrrriiight. And the third member of your party? Who is that? Your love child?
Frodo: Psh. I wish. I mean, there was no other.
Faramir: Look, just tell me the truth.
Frodo: We came from Rivendell on a special quest that we can't tell you any more about.
Faramir: Hey, my brother left from Rivendell on a special quest that he couldn't tell us any more about.
Sam: Oh, you're Boromir's brother.
Faramir: looks angsty
Frodo: falls in love
Flashback
Boromir: swings dangerously from a flagpole seven stories high
Faramir: The men love you!
Boromir: BEER!
Denethor: I have this special mission that requires an extraordinary amount of tact, subtlety, and intelligence, so I'm going to send my big muscular brute of a son instead of the intelligent one that desperately seeks my approval.
Boromir: How does that work?
Faramir: Jackass.
The Forbidden Pool
Faramir: Here's the deal, Frodo. Either you get this gray dude to leave the pool, or I shoot.
Frodo: Er…he's my guide.
Faramir: Hah! And you told me there's only two of you in your group.
Frodo: lures Smeagol out of the pool
Rangers: grab beat punch kick throw on the ground
Smeagol: becomes schizophrenic again
Helm's Deep
Aragorn: I'm not dead!
Horse: kisses Aragorn
Aragorn: Ooohh…Arwen…
Horse: Sure, that's my name. Arwen.
Aragorn: rides horse to Helm's Deep
Aragorn: Wow, you're a really smart horse.
Gimli: Yay! Aragorn! You're not dead!
Aragorn: Yeah, sure whatever. Hey, Legolas!
Gimli: Bitch.
Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're late.
Aragorn: Very good.
Legolas: Here's your jewel back.
Gimli: That's not dirty at ALL.
Eowyn: falls in love
Random Hall in Helm's Deep
Theoden: gives an inspiring speech
Gimli: blows big, huge horn
Gimli: Not dirty at ALL.
Caves of Ithilien
Faramir: You have the One Ring To Rule Them All.
Frodo: How'd you guess?
Faramir: My father would hold me above all men if I gave him this Ring.
Frodo: He has father issues, too!
Faramir: In fact…I think I will bring you back to Gondor with me.
Frodo: falls in love
Sam: Mr. Frodo? That's a bad thing?
Somewhere In Helm's Deep
Legolas: My spider senses tell me that we should fortify that wall there.
Aragorn: Done and done.
Eowyn: Aragorn! I'm supposed to go hide in the caves with the women!
Aragorn: Well, you are a woman, unless there's something you're not telling me.
Eowyn: But I want to fight!
Aragorn: Tough noogies.
Eowyn: I LOVE YOU.
Aragorn: looks angsty
Eowyn: Crap.
Osgiliath
Faramir: Send these Hobbits to my Father. Tell him Faramir sends a great gift.
Nazgul: attack
Goblins: invade
Gondorians: defend
Frodo: stands on top of the wall and holds up the Ring
Faramir: I knew it! I knew I couldn't trust him!
Sam: jumps on Frodo
Frodo: Oh, Sam!
Faramir: Hmm…clearly this conflict of interest means that they're both entirely trustworthy people that I can totally send into Mordor to destroy the Weapon of the Enemy!
Gollum: And then I kill them! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
Faramir: throws him against the wall
The Battle of Helm's Deep
Elves: show up
Rohirrim: Yay!
Gimli: I'm short!
Orcs: attack
Rohirrim: defend
Elves: shoot arrows
Orcs: die
Theoden: We might just win!
Orcs: blow up wall
Theoden: Crap.
Rohirrim: die
Aragorn: Gimli! Let's hold off the invading troops by going a secret way around and attacking from the side!
Gimli: I'm short!
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: Toss me!
Aragorn: What?
Gimli: Toss me! I'm too short! I won't be able to make the jump! Just don't tell the elf.
Legolas: My spider senses tell me the Dwarf is degrading himself.
Aragorn: tosses Gimli
Gimli: behead stab slice cut maim
Aragorn: jumps
They: kill a thousand Orcs Between Them Via Movie Magic
Orcs: die
Rohirrim: die
One Elf: dies
Aragorn: looks angsty
Theoden: We won't make it until morning!
Morning: comes
Gandalf: comes
Eomer: comes
Eorlingas: attack
Orcs: die
Fangorn Forest: appears
Orcs: retreat
Fangorn Forest: kill slice maim rip tear bash punch kick whip murder
Everyone: cheers
The Golden Hall of Edoras
Theoden: Hail the victorious dead!
Rohirrim: Hail!
All: drink
Aragorn: looks angsty
Gimli: LET'S DRINK!
Eowyn: Here, Aragorn, drink from my cup.
Aragorn: drinks
Eowyn: falls in love
Aragorn: walks away
Theoden: I'm happy for you, Eowyn. He's a great guy.
Eowyn: Gee, thanks, Uncle.
Audience: Aw they love each other!
Gimli: falls down drunk
The Golden Hall of Edoras At Night
Eowyn: is sleeping in the Hall instead of her chambers for some reason
Aragorn: walks into the Hall for some weird reason
Eowyn: grabs his hand
Aragorn: wtf?
Eowyn: I dreamed I saw a great wave, climbing over the lands and above hills. I stood upon the brink. It was utterly dark in the abyss before my feet. There was a light shining behind me, but I could not turn, only stand and wait.
Aragorn: Yeah, that's deep, sweetheart.
Aragorn: puts her hand under the blanket
Eowyn: OMG he touched my chest!
The Great Hall of the Kings in Minas Tirith
Gandalf: Now, listen carefully. Lord Denethor is Boromir's father. To give him news of his beloved son's death would be most unwise. And do not mention Frodo, or the Ring. And say nothing of Aragorn either. In fact, it's better if you don't speak at all, Peregrin Took.
Pippin: If I had a nickel for every time I heard that…
Gandalf: Greetings, Lord Denethor, Steward of Gondor.
Denethor: I know about Boromir. I know about Frodo. I know about the Ring. I know about Aragorn. And now, you, random hobbit, you talk.
Pippin: Uh…
Denethor: Hm. Interesting. I like your style. Ever met my son Boromir?
Pippin: I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry he died defending me and my kinsmen WHO IS NOT MY GAY LOVER I'll do anything to make you feel better!
Gandalf: Fool of a Took!
Gandalf and Pippin: exit
Denethor: Okay.
Gandalf: Wait, I was supposed to tell him to light the beacons to call for aid in the battle against Mordor that's about to happen!
Random Road in Minas Tirith
Gandalf: Here's the deal. Pippin, you're going to climb up an extremely tall stone wall and light a very, very big pile of wood without the King's permission and without anyone noticing and without you dying. You can do it. You're a hobbit.
Pippin: Great.
Gandalf: tries to look innocent
Pippin: climbs up the huge cliff thing
Tower Guards: drink ale
Pippin: knocks over lighter fluid
Tower Guards: drink ale
Pippin: lights the beacon
Tower Guards: What are we drinking?
Pippin: scales down the wall
Legolas: I couldn't have done better myself.
Golden Hall of Edoras
Aragorn: The beacons are lit! Gondor calls for aid!
Theoden: And we will answer!
Rohirrim: Woohoo!
Eowyn: Say, I think I'll ride along and die in battle!
Osgiliath
Gondorian: is shot
Faramir: Quick! Everyone run in the direction the arrow came from!
Orcs: invade
Gondorians: defend
Orcs: kill maim spew blood look ugly
Gondorians: defend stab shove look shiny
Faramir: runs for next kill
Arrows: shoot
Faramir: dodges
Random Gondorian: We can't win!
Faramir: Retreat!
Hall of Kings in Minas Tirith:
Denethor: The fall of Osgiliath is all your fault, Faramir! Now make it up to me by taking it back! Shoo!
Faramir: You wish I'd gone on the quest and died instead, don't you?
Denethor: Yeah, duh.
Faramir: cries
Denethor: Now go away and die!
Faramir: exits
Denethor: eats red food
Pippin: sings
It's All: symbolic
Faramir: gets shot down by arrows
Dunharrow
Aragorn: So, Eowyn, what's with the sword?
Eowyn: Nnnnnothing. So, Aragorn, you're an honorable man who I would – I mean the men would die for.
Aragorn: I can't give you what you seek. You love but a shadow and a whisper.
Eowyn: Crap.
Audience: You can't? Then who the hell can?
Theoden: We only have six thousand spears. The enemy has like a hundred times that many. We are so dead.
Elrond: Here, Mr. Anderson, I mean, Aragorn, take this kick-ass sword and get some ghost soldiers in the creepy part of the mountains where men do not dare to tread.
Aragorn: Yeah, okay.
Legolas: My spider senses tell me you're going into danger.
Gimli: We'll come with you.
Rohirrim: Great. Now they've abandoned us.
Sunrise
Theoden: Eowyn, I need you to go back home and lead our people in my stead.
Eowyn: Psh. What else is new?
Theoden: I also need you to start smiling again. Like you used to. That would make me truly happy.
Audience: sniffs
Leaving Dunharrow
Theoden: Sorry, random Hobbit number four, you can't ride into battle with us.
Merry: But I want to fight!
Theoden: Thems the breaks.
Merry: Crap!
Random Soldier: grabs him and lets him ride in horseback
Merry: Huh?
Random Soldier: Don't steal my word!
Merry: Wait – Eowyn? Is that you?
Eowyn: Duh. Ride with me.
Gates of Gondor
Faramir: is dragged in by his horse
Denethor: OMFG! Faramir! He's dead!
Pippin: Wait! He's still alive!
Denethor: I'm the last of my line! My sons are dead! My line has failed! Rohan has deserted us! Theoden's betrayed me. Run away! Run away!
Gondorians: Run away! Run away!
Gandalf: smacks Denethor with his staff
Audience: cheers
Gandalf: Prepare for battle!
Gondorians: listens to him
Orcs: die
Baby: cries
Nazgul: attacks
Gondorians: die
Goblins: invade
Gondorians: shoot them
Gandalf: Pippin! Go back to the Citadel!
Pippin: But I want to fight!
Goblins: kill maim wound
Gandalf: smack smack stab swish
Pippin: wets pants
Goblins: stab slash bang
Gandalf: block defend kill smack
Goblin: sneaks up behind him
Pippin: stabbity
Gandalf: Well…um…back up the Citadel, anyway.
Random Field In Between Rohan and Gondor
Merry: Look, my Lady, I know I'm a simple Hobbit and all that, but you're this gorgeous Rohirrim lady and you've got a lot to live for. Alls I want to do is live up to my friends.
Eowyn: I want to DIE.
Merry: Well, um.
Minas Tirith
Denethor: leads a funeral procession
Pippin: follows
Denethor: There is no more hope for Gondor.
A Flower: blossoms on the White Tree
Denethor: No tomb for Denethor and Faramir. Time to die like the heathen kings of old. Bring wood and oil.
The Gate: is destroyed
Orcs: invade
Denethor: Faramir is burning. Already burning.
Pippin: HE'S NOT DEAD, YOU IDIOT.
Denethor: I release you from your service. Go now and die in what way seems best to you. POUR OIL ON THE WOOD!
Pippin: searches for Gandalf
Gondorians: retreat
Women: scream
Orcs: kill maim pillage destroy
Pippin: Gandalf! Denethor has lost his mind! He's gonna burn Faramir alive!
Gandalf: rides with Pippin to help
Witch King: I keel you and your staff!
Gandalf: Dammit!
Witch King: No man can kill me!
Gandalf: Great.
Pelennor Fields
Rohirrim: arrive
Witch King: flies away
Eowyn: is scared
Orcs: wait for Theoden to give an inspiring speech
Theoden: gives an inspiring speech
Rohirrim: Death!
Eowyn: has really small teeth
Merry: Death!
Eowyn: Death!
Rohirrim: attack
Orcs: fire at will
Will: dies
Rohirrim: run over the Orcs
Orcs: Run away! Run away!
Funeral Room
Denethor: covers himself and Faramir in oil
Faramir: flinches
Denethor: Set a fire in our flesh.
Four Gondorians: approach the wood
Gandalf: arrives
Denethor: glowers
Gandalf: Stay this madness!
Denethor: lights fire
Faramir: breathes
Gandalf: knocks Denethor over again
Pippin: jumps off horse and pushes Faramir through the flames onto the floor
Denethor: attacks Pippin
Pippin: wets pants
Gandalf: knocks Denethor into the flames
Faramir: wakes up
Denethor: Faramir!
Denethor: goes up in smoke
Gandalf: So passes Denethor, son of Ecthelion.
Pelennor Fields
Eomer: kill slash wound kill
Theoden: kill slash wound kill
Eowyn: kill slash wound kill
Merry: stabbity
Theoden: Make safe the city!
Audience: Like Yoda you speak!
Mercenaries: attack
Rohirrim: charge
Eomer: brings down two elephants with a single spear thrust
Eowyn: takes down another elephant
Another elephant: is killed
Eowyn and Merry: are separated
Eowyn: defends Theoden
Theoden: is impressed
Merry: kicks ass at killing
Witch King: attacks Theoden
Theoden: wets pants
Witch King: Feast on his flesh.
Eowyn: I will kill you if you touch him.
Witch King: Do not come between the Nazgul and his prey.
Eowyn: beheads Nazgul
Witch King: Fine, come between the Nazgul and his prey. Clearly, we need a new approach. So. Here's my super-cool mace.
Eowyn: Crap.
Witch King: swings
Eowyn: jumps away
Witch King: swings
Eowyn: ducks
Witch King: swings
Eowyn's Shield: is destroyed
Eowyn: falls back, hurt
Witch King: chokes Eowyn
Merry: stabbity
Witch King: drops Eowyn
Merry: Ow my stabbing arm owowow!
Witch King: Still. No man can kill me.
Eowyn: takes off helmet, revealing gorgeous long blonde locks that I envy
Eowyn: I am no man.
Witch King: Crap.
Eowyn: stabbity
Witch King: shrivels up and dies.
Eowyn: Owie my arm!
Orc: attacks Eowyn
Aragorn: kill slash maim destroy
Legolas: My spider senses helped me kill that elephant!
The Day: is saved
Aragorn: looks angsty
Eowyn: finds Theoden
Theoden: I know your face. Eowyn, right? I'm dying.
Eowyn: No. No. I'm going to save you.
Theoden: You already did.
All Eyes: are wet
Theoden: dies
Eowyn: is speechless
The Houses of Healing
Eowyn: is healing
Faramir: is healing
Eowyn: is depressed
Faramir: is in the Garden
Eowyn: is brought before Faramir
Faramir: falls in love
Eowyn: I want to go join the battle at the Black Gate of Mordor so I can die next to my Lord Aragorn.
Faramir: is in love
Eowyn: So can I go?
Faramir: NO! Because…um…that's not in my power to grant.
Eowyn: Well…my window looks west instead of East, and I want to watch the battle progress.
Faramir: I can totally give you that.
Eowyn: Thanks!
Faramir: is in love
Eowyn: So…can I go now?
Faramir: No! Because…in return, you have to walk and talk with me in the garden every day.
Eowyn: Why?
Faramir: Because you're hot.
Eowyn: Crap.
Faramir: is in love
The Gardens
Faramir: Here's this gorgeous shiny blue mantle with silvery stars on it.
Eowyn: Thanks!
Faramir: It was my mother's.
Eowyn: Crap.
Faramir: is in love
They: watch the battle progress while the wind weaves their hair together, raven and gold
Otherwhere
The Ring: is destroyed
The Day: is saved
The People: are happy
Gollum: is dead
Eomer: is leaving
Eowyn: doesn't go with him
The Gardens
Faramir: has left the Houses of Healing
Eowyn: is alone
Faramir: What's up with that?
Eowyn: Uh…nuthin'.
Faramir: Look, there's one of two reasons you're not leaving with your brother to go home. One is that you're in love with Aragorn. The other is that you're in love with me. Which is it?
Eowyn: is silent
Faramir: is in love
Eowyn: I do not desire to be queen any longer.
Faramir: Well, good thing, because I'm not gonna be King.
Eowyn: is in love
Faramir: kisses her on top of the wall where everyone can see
The Gondorians: are happy
Eowyn and Faramir: are in love
E/F shippers: kill Eowyn and steal David Wenham for themselves
The Author: apologizes and removes that last sentence
The Huge Stone Courtyard
Gandalf: crowns Aragorn
Aragorn: gives a boring speech about humility and unity
Everyone: applauds
Eowyn and Faramir: smile at each other
Aragorn: tongues Arwen
Sam: marries Rosie
Frodo: is jealous
Everyone: lives happily ever after