The Loneliness of my Heart is equal to the Rain
By: Heartless Eponine
Author's Notes: Hey there. First of all, this is my first Sailor Moon fanfiction ever to write and publish. I hope you enjoy this.
I should have not caused trouble… in coming all the way to your place.
I was like a mere rat scampering in another house. I should have not been a bother to you for planning all this Chibiusa-chan.
It was one late afternoon that felt like nighttime already. Clouds were dark and depressing. Our plans on going out together have changed into a self-prison in the Tsukino residence. We were stuck temporarily inside Usagi's bedroom. I was hoping that the rain would stop but it continued pouring until the late afternoon. As we were moping about the gloomy weather, Usagi, Rei, Minako, Ami, and Makoto were away on vacation outside of town. Everything seemed so timely and perfect. Stupid weather.
"I am very sorry that it had to end this way." She spoke with disappointment. "To think I was really looking forward to watching a movie or just walk around town together with you, Hotaru-chan."
I shook my head and gave out a smile. "It's alright. We don't have much of a choice if the sky really wants to cry today." I was a bit proud of myself that I was to make such a statement in a tone of metaphor.
Chibiusa was just sitting on her bed with a very disappointed face. It was the first time that I was able to see her in such an emotion up-close—wait, let me rephrase this: It is my first time ever to see someone very very disappointed.
Sometimes, it slips my mind that Chibiusa was my first and only friend whom I trusted all my life. But as days went on, it seems that fate wants us to drift apart. Is it really destined that I will meet Chibiusa—and then just disappear like a bubble? If this reality is really happening, it saddens me why I am one unlucky person to experience and endure this type of suffering.
I had enough. This has to end. But how?
If Chibiusa is the solution and hope to all this mysterious unknown sufferings that I am currently experiencing, I don't want her involved. It would just hurt her. Should I leave the house? Should I say goodbye before it's too late? Every question that echoes in the very nerves of my brain continued to make me even more nervous.
"Neh, Hotaru-chan." Chibiusa poked my forehead. That got me back to reality at least.
"Chibiusa-chan?"
There was this awkward long pause before she spoke once more. She was a bit mad at me. The hell, what did I do now?
"Stop thinking that you're lonely please!"
"Ehhh?!"
Does she possess the ability to read minds?
"What makes you think of that, Chibiusa-chan?" I can't believe that I stammered that statement. Way the go hiding your guilt Ms. Tomoe.
"I just know it – and I hate it!" She pouted and went near beside to me to where I was. "Will you stop it?"
"I am happy Chibiusa-chan."
"Lies!" her voice started to crackle. My emotions are slowly boiling in inside. "It's been very unusual lately and it's starting to bug be for a while. Hotaru-chan, what is wrong? Is someone hurting you? Do you have family problems again?"
"I—"
"TELL ME!"
Another strike to the heart. I couldn't hold it anymore. I wept but never said anything. My pink-haired friend just froze. She hugged me with all her might. It was the only warmth that I was really comfortable with. It was a shame that I wouldn't be able to feel this type of feeling anymore. I care for her, so it would be better I wouldn't be a burden to her anymore.
Beneath my sobbing, I inhaled to gain up courage to say something. There are some fragments of thoughts lingering in my mind right now. Just trying to distinguish them would take up a lot of time. But everything seems to be clear: me and Chibiusa will be falling apart soon. It hurts to know the reality. To know that I'm going to leave the only friend I care for in this world—perhaps even more than a friend.
"Chibiusa-chan, I think there's a chance I might be leaving."
She froze and stood still like someone died in front of her. For her age and thinking, I think it was definitely too much for her to even inculcate everything that I just said. I'm sorry Chibiusa, but this has to end.
"Why?!" She wailed in front of me. Honestly did not know what to do or speak next. I was afraid to tell her that sooner or later, another person living inside me is going to destroy her. I don't know when or how, but one thing is clear: I don't want her to hurt Chibiusa. Even if it would take my own life or it would just turn everything to darkness. The sooner I leave her life, the better that she should be out of harm's way for my soon-to-be wrongdoings.
Is it sacrifice? No. It was never been thought that way. I just love her too much that it hurts.
The room was then surrounded by continuous echoes of cries and wailing. I did not answer Chibiusa the reason for me leaving. For some reason it didn't matter to her anymore. She hugged so tight and just continued crying. My eyes were building up until it finally to shed up tears.
I hugged her. So tight like it was the last day of the world to exist.
On that rainy day, I rest my head on the side of the bed beside her as I watched her sleep that night. Watching her fade away from this depressing world she exists in. I just still don't understand why she sleeps heavenly in the depths of emptiness around her. Even in sadness.
I held her hand and wept softly enough for myself to hear. I took a surprise glance when her small hand clenched mine. I looked at her, my heart skipped a beat. She was weeping softly repeatedly saying my name between her sobs. "Hotaru-chan, don't leave me."
My heart clenched. Those seizures were returning again. But before that would happen, I took the chance. I rest my forehead in hers, hugged her tight and my sobs became louder. Beneath my breath, I kept praying that nothing is going to happen to me upon hugging the only friend I had in my arms. It felt like this was our farewell - I might never see Chibiusa ever again. Just the thought of that is like adding a thick thorn to my heart and another huge lump of my throat that it is hard for me to swallow. But what ever happens - it will happen. It is hurtful but I should accept my fate.
I wonder why memorable moments like these have to fade away so suddenly. Sooner or later, I will be living in solitude again because I was mysteriously destined to be. But if ever I would really drift apart from this world, I would just remember those times. Those moments where I knew that there was really such thing as hope and light.
It continued to pour outside. The loneliness of my heart was equal to the rain. But my soul embraced the light. Now the only deliverance I have is to disappear and drift in my own silence.