I'm back! My computer has been out of commission for several months. I got a monitor working. It's less than ideal, but a guy is coming to fix my laptop soon. In the meantime, I will provide you with another story. This one has been bouncing around in my head for a while. I decided to finally type it out. This story will be cracktastic and full of inappropriate-ness. I hope that it will give you all a good laugh. So, without further ado, I present Night Of The Living Eyebrows.
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Shocked was an appropriate word for the situation. It was a word that could be used to describe both of them. The Doctor brought a hand up to his stinging cheek. He was horrified at the whole situation. And Clara. Poor Clara. She hadn't asked for this. The Doctor stared at his companion's scarlet face. This was humiliating, the Doctor thought.
It had all started innocently enough with the Doctor falling asleep on a rather idylic alien planet. He couldn't recall a time he had felt so rested. Of course, he did eventually have to return to the TARDIS and leave. Then, it was on to Clara's. It would probably be a fairly typical Wednesday. Well, as typical as things can get when you make a habit out of running for your life. By the time the Doctor had arrived at Clara's flat, his eyebrows had begun to itch. Confident in his superior willpower, the Doctor ignored it. It was of no consequence. He had a thing that he wanted to show his companion. When he opened the TARDIS' door, Clara was already standing outside. She looked ready to go. She was even wearing sensible shoes. There was the matter of that short skirt, though. It might ride up a bit if or when they had to run. He didn't really think about it further than that, but for some reason his eyebrows seemed to itch more at that fleeting thought. The Doctor and Clara exchanged greetings before heading into the TARDIS. The Doctor glanced at Clara's skirt again. It really was rather short. His eyebrows began to tingle, as did his left hand. A bit annoying, but easily ignored. He paid no heed to the strange sensation in his hand and eyebrows and turned his focus to his companion's face. "So," Clara asked, "What's the plan for today?"
"We're going to a wedding." the Doctor said with a grimace.
"A wedding?" Clara said quizzically, "Why would you be going to someone's wedding?"
"It wasn't my idea." the Doctor replied. "Save someone's life and suddenly you're invited to their wedding."
"And you're still going?" Clara raised an eyebrow
The Doctor grumbled, "I need a plus one. You're going to be my plus one."
"I never agreed to that." Clara said, crossing her arms over her chest.
"Clara, don't argue with me on this." The Doctor said, his face forming into one of his typical scowls.
Clara seemed to think about it for a while. "Fine." she said. "I'll be your plus one. You need someone to make sure you behave anyway."
Well, that was easier than he had expected. Thank goodness for things like that. Clara was a control freak, but she would always look out for him, whether he thought he needed it or not. Breaking off the conversation, the Doctor headed to the console and began pressing buttons and pulling levers, sending the TARDIS hurtling through the vortex. The Doctor scowled once more. A wedding meant that he would have to get out his tuxedo. He preferred his regular clothes, thank you very much. Clara seemed to take that as her cue to head off to find some more wedding-appropriate clothing. The Doctor also headed off in search of his tuxedo.
When the two returned to the control room, the Doctor was dressed in a very neat, very clean tuxedo. Clara was wearing a blue one-shoulder dress that came down to just above her knees. The Doctor gave Clara a once-over. He approved. It was wedding-appropriate. The Doctor then glanced at the door. He was still reluctant to go, but he had to. He felt Clara place a hand on his arm. "Come on, Doctor." Clara said with a smile. "What's the worst that could happen?"
Oh, if they only knew how bad things would become.
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The Doctor was surprised to find out that his current incarnation did not mind weddings as long as there was champagne afterwards. He rather liked champagne. He had also gone the entire time without insulting anyone. Clara would be proud. Speaking of Clara, she also appeared to be enjoying the champagne. Suddenly, someone bumped into her. She fumbled the glass and spilled it on her chest. The man who had bumped into her muttered his apologies and fetched her a napkin to clean herself up. The Doctor, of course, took a quick look at Clara to make sure that she was okay. His gaze was drawn to the wet spot on her chest. His eyebrows began to tingle again, as did his hand. How strange. He would have to run some scans on himself when he returned to the TARDIS. In the meantime, Clara had walked right up next to him. "Enjoying yourself?" She questioned with a smile.
"I'm not entirely miserable." the Doctor replied.
"At least that's one of us." Clara said, her smile falling. "One of the groomsman keeps hitting on me."
The Doctor scowled, but said nothing. He took another sip of his champagne. Clara glanced at a groomsman, who waggled his tongue lewdly at her. The petite female turned to the Doctor and said, "He keeps doing that. Can you do that eyebrow thing?"
"Eyebrow thing?" the Doctor questioned.
"Yeah, the eyebrow thing." Clara said. "You know, when you glare extra hard at someone and intimidate them with your eyebrows."
The Doctor looked at the groomsman, who was still making lewd faces and gestures towards Clara. That wouldn't do. The Time Lord cleared his throat, gaining the groomsman's attention. The Doctor then proceeded to do what Clara had described as 'the eyebrow thing'. It sent a clear message: stay away from the brunette. The man paled and quickly backed away. Clara let out a sigh of relief and said, "Thank you, Doctor."
Clara leaned against the Doctor, catching him by surprise as her hip bumped his. Not the touching thing. He didn't like the touching thing, especially since her bum was currently on his thigh. Clara didn't seem to be aware of it. The Doctor tried not to think about it. His eyebrows began to tingle again. He quickly finished his glass of champagne and grabbed another one off of the tray. Of course, while he was paying attention to one hand, the other was up to something. Suddenly, Clara went stiff. As his companion stiffened, the Doctor suddenly became aware of the location of his other hand. It was on Clara's bottom. His eybrows now tingling continuously, the Doctor's hand seemed to be controlled by a force that he could not explain. To the Time Lord's horror, his hand began to act up again and gave Clara's bum a squeeze. With surprising speed, Clara whirled around and brought her hand to the Doctor's cheek with a loud smack. She had slapped him. He had groped her without his own consent and she had slapped him. The Doctor brought his hand up to his stinging cheek, his expression one of utter shock and horror. Her face was red, probably from embarrassment. Angrily, Clara snapped, "What the hell, Doctor?"
"It wasn't me!" the Doctor defended himself.
"You groped me!" Clara said angrily.
"My hand did it on its own." The Doctor insisted. "We need to get back to the TARDIS right away so I can run some scans."
With that said, the Doctor grabbed Clara by the wrist and ran away from the party. At least his hand and eyebrows had stopped tingling.
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To say that the Doctor was surprised was an understatement. Surprised didn't even come close to it. He heard Clara's voice ask, "Well, is there a medical reason as to why you grabbed my bum?"
The Doctor turned to face his companion and said, "My eyebrows have become sentient. They were controlling my hand."
Clara was silent for an achingly long time. The Doctor actually wished that she would just say something. Then he heard her snicker. That snicker quickly developed into a full-blown laugh. She was clutching her sides. The Doctor scowled and said, "It's not funny."
"It is a little bit." Clara said, wiping a tear from her eye. "Your eyebrows? Honestly!"
"This is a big problem, Clara!" the Doctor said firmly. "I've lost control of my hand. Who knows what it could do next?"
"Calm down, Doctor." Clara said, trying to placate him. "Do you know what's causing this? When did it start?"
The Doctor made the connection. It had started not long after he had taken that nap. He hadn't even meant to drop off. It had just happened. Only now did he realize how suspicious that was. He didn't take naps just anywhere. "I think I know where to start looking." The Doctor decided out loud.
"Right." Clara said. "Well, I'm going to go put my regular clothes back on."
"Don't take too long." The Doctor said back. "Get dressed quickly."
Clara nodded and quickly ran off. With her back to the Doctor, he was given a rather good view of how the dress hugged her rear end. His eyebrows and hand began to tingle again. Loudly, he said, "No!"
He had to get control over this problem. A scowl was etched into his face as he headed off to change into his usual ensemble as well. Hopefully, Clara would undress and get dressed quickly. His eyebrows began to tingle harder than before. He balled his fist, trying to maintain tight control over his hand. Unfortunately, it wasn't his hand that he had to worry about. The words 'Clara' and 'undress' in the same sentance made him feel funny. "No!" He growled.
He needed to fix his eyebrows before they invaded his mind and put other thoughts into his mind, thoughts that would be even more inappropriate.
Once he was in his usual outfit, he returned to the control room. Clara was already there, waiting for him. She seemed rather anxious. The Doctor couldn't help but ask, "What's wrong?"
Clara fidgeted anxiously and replied, "My gran is sick. She's turning green. I think I might have given her some alien illness."
The Doctor, rather irritated at this point by his current predicament, said, "I suppose you want me to do something about it."
"Would you mind?" Clara asked, her eyes wide and innocent as she bit her lip.
Not the look! The Doctor just couldn't say no to Clara when she gave him that look. The Time Lord held back a sigh. "All right." he acquiesced. "I'll take a side trip to your grandmother's home."
"Just don't feel me up in front of my gran." Clara said firmly.
"I don't plan to." the Doctor replied. "If I pay attention to where my hand is, I'll be able to prevent it with my superior willpower."
"You'd better." Clara said.
"I give you my word that my hand will not come anywhere near your bum." the Doctor said sincerely.
"I'll hold you to that." Clara said, still a little suspicious.
The Doctor turned around and headed over to the console. He began to press buttons and pull levers to transport the TARDIS to right outside Clara's grandmother's home.
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When Clara and the Doctor entered the elderly woman's domicile, they saw that the rest of Clara's family was also there. This would complicate things. Clara's grandmother blew her nose loudly before noticing Clara. "Clara!" the old woman greeted her. "It's good to see you. It's too bad that it's when I'm sick."
"Yeah, well, I brought someone." Clara replied. "This is..."
"Doctor John Smith." the Doctor introduced himself. "People call me the Doctor."
"Another doctor, Clara?" Linda said with an amused look. "It seems that you have a type."
"Oh, we're not together!" Clara said quickly. "He's just here to see gran."
"I hope he's a good doctor." Clara's father said. "She's really sick, but she doesn't want to go to the hospital."
"I'm fine." Clara's grandmother insisted. "It's just a bit of a cold."
"You're turning green!" Clara's father said loudly.
"Calm down." Clara's grandmother said. "The Doctor is here. Let's see what he can do."
Clara looked at the Doctor. The Time Lord nodded and pulled out his sonic screwdriver. It whirred as he bent over and brought it near Clara's grandmother. "This is rare." the Doctor said, standing up straight.
"Of course it is." Clara's father said. "She's green. Can you help her?"
"This is something that I can fix." the Doctor said. "I'll be right back."
The Doctor turned to leave. He glanced back to see Clara bending over to talk to her seated grandmother. Her bum was sticking in the air. The Doctor's eyebrows and hand began to tingle. The Doctor grabbed his wrist tightly and left. He went back to the TARDIS, where he headed to the infirmary to fetch a cure for the green illness. He would have to pay very close attention to his hand.
When the Doctor returned to Clara's grandmother's home, he saw that everyone was looking at him expectantly. Clara was giving him that look again. The Doctor swallowed. He then headed over to Clara's grandmother. He held out the cure and said, "I'm going to inject this."
Clara's grandmother smiled at the Doctor. The Doctor then injected the cure into the woman's arm, trying not to touch her any more than he had to. He stepped back. Clara's family huddled around Clara's grandmother, watching as the green began to fade away. The Doctor was watching as well, standing slightly behind and to the left of Clara. Without fail, the cure was working. While the Doctor was watching Clara's grandmother, just in case there were side effects, his attention was not on his hand. The Doctor saw Clara stiffen beside him. His gaze shot down to see that his hand was rubbing- no, caressing- Clara's behind. He quickly pulled his hand away. He rather expected Clara to slap him. Instead, she stiffly said, "Doctor, can we go outside? To talk?"
Reluctantly, the Doctor nodded. He and Clara then left the dwelling. Once they were out of earshot of the family, Clara tore into the Doctor. "You said that you wouldn't grab me there!" the petite brunette snapped.
"It was the eyebrows!" the Doctor hissed.
"You said you would pay attention!" Clara said angrily.
"It's not my fault." the Doctor said defensively. "I got distracted."
"Too distracted to notice that you were groping me?" Clara asked, still clearly angry.
"It was your idea to come here instead of heading to that planet right away to find out what's wrong with me." the Doctor argued.
"You are so-" Clara growled, "Argh! I can't believe you!"
"The sooner we get to that planet, the sooner I'll be able to put an end to this problem." The Doctor said, clearly quite annoyed at the whole predicament.
"Fine!" Clara snapped. "In the meantime, keep your hands to yourself!"
If only it were that easy.
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For a while, the coordinates to the planet evaded the Doctor. On one of the planets they had arrived on, they were accosted by a slimy creature, which spurted goo all over Clara. Only putting the words 'spurted' and 'on Clara' in the same sentance made the Doctor feel funny and caused his hand and eyebrows to tingle. Clara gave him a stern talking-to that included a lot of yelling. She then left, presumably to find some clean clothes. She returned in a pair of snug jeans. She glared at the Doctor before turning away to give him the silent treatment. This, of course, gave the Doctor a clear view of Clara's behind, which seemed to be enhanced by the jeans. The Doctor's eyebrows and hand were tingling, and they were tingling hard. Slowly, his hand began to reach for Clara's behind. Quickly realizing what was going on, the Doctor grabbed his wrist and yanked it away. He had caught himself just in time. Had he not caught on, he would have once again touched Clara's bottom. She would probably slap him again. He didn't want that.
By the time they arrived on the correct planet, Clara seemed to have calmed down a bit. Thank goodness for that. Now they could focus on dealing with the Doctor's little problem. Their search led them to a small, primative village. Not long after they arrived, the Doctor once again caught himself reaching over to grope Clara. He managed to stop himself. It was getting harder and harder for him to stop himself. He needed to fix this problem and he needed to fix it soon. His eyebrows were making him try to touch his companion and were putting inappropriate thoughts about her into his head. One of the villagers had noticed the Doctor stop himself and took the duo to the village's shaman. The shaman smiled and said calmly, "I am told that you have a bit of a problem with self-control around the female."
"It's not my fault." the Doctor defended himself.
"I never said it was." the shaman replied. "I have seen this before. I know what is wrong with you."
"Well, what is it?" Clara asked.
"Some part of his body has been possessed by an incorporeal being." the shaman explained. "It decreases inhibitions. Things that have crossed your mind, actions that you have considered but never acted on, will be acted upon."
"I have never, ever thought about touching Clara." the Doctor said, scowling deeply.
"He doesn't like touching anyone." Clara said, seemingly upset for some reason.
The shaman smiled knowingly and said, "Regardless, your solution is simple. You must head to the ruins and touch the crystal. The being will be drawn out of you and into the crystal. Then, the choice whether to act upon your thoughts or not will be returned to you."
The Doctor frowned, but he nodded. He just wanted this to be over with. "Where are these ruins?" the Time Lord asked.
"They are directly to the west." the shaman replied. "But beware, there are dangers in the ruins. Your journey will require stealth. If you cannot make your way through the ruins, they you'd better pray to the spirits that the inhabitants of the ruins will listen to reason."
"I will get rid of this incorporeal being." the Doctor said. He then turned around and left the shaman's hut.
Clara smiled at the shaman and said, "Thank you for your help."
Clara then turned around to follow the Doctor.
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When the Doctor and Clara arrived at the ruins, they attempted to quietly make their way through them. When they saw one of the inhabitants, who was the same species as the shaman, they ducked behind a piece of rubble. Simultaneously, the Doctor and Clara peeked over the debris to see if the inhabitant had gone. Suddenly, Clara gasped loudly. The Doctor's hand was gently squeezing her behind. When Clara gasped, the inhabitant of the ruins began to turn around. The Doctor grabbed Clara, pulling her back behind the piece of ruined building once more. Clara's arm lifted, probably preparing to slap the Doctor. The Time Lord quickly grabbed his companion's arm, stopping her before she could strike him. The Doctor looked Clara directly in the face, his expression clearly portraying 'be quiet'. To his surprise, the Doctor saw that Clara's face had turned a fetching pink. She was refusing to look at him. He didn't like that. When the sound of the person in the ruins walking away began to sound, the Doctor took Clara's hand in his and pulled her out from behind the rubble, leading her through the ruins as they ducked behind ruined buildings to hide from the ruins' inhabitants. While hiding behind a large pillar, the Doctor became aware of the fact that he was still holding Clara's hand. In fact, he had entwined his fingers with hers and was caressing her hand with his thumb. It was the Doctor's turn to blush as he released Clara's hand and pulled his own away. "Come on." the Doctor whispered to his companion. "We're almost there."
The duo continued to quietly make their way through the ruins until, finally, a crystalline pillar was in sight. This must be the crystal that they were looking for. The Doctor sped up a bit, heading straight for the crystal. When he arrived at the crystal, the Doctor pulled out his sonic screwdriver and ran a quick scan on it. It was indeed what they were looking for. The Doctor slowly reached for the pillar. When his hand made contact, he suddenly felt a weight lift off of his shoulders. The incorporeal being possessing him had left his body. Clara clutched her hands together and asked, "Is it gone?"
The relieved Doctor couldn't help but smile. "It's gone."
"Good." Clara said. "Let's get out of here. This place gives me the creeps."
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When the Doctor and Clara were well away from the ruins, they returned to the TARDIS. Both of them were relieved that the Doctor's little problem was gone. His inhibitions were under control and Clara's bum was safe from the Doctor's hands. This had been a very exhausting Wednesday. The weary Doctor accessed the controls to the TARDIS and set it to head to Earth. Maybe he would sleep for an hour or two once Clara had left. When they arrived at Clara's flat, the Doctor quickly opened the doors of the TARDIS to let Clara out. Absent-mindedly, he took her hand, entwining his fingers with hers. His eyes met Clara's. They both started blushing. "Well," Clara said awkwardly. "I'd best be going."
"Right." the Doctor said, sounding equally awkward as he released his companion's hand. "See you next Wednesday."
Clara smiled nervously and turned around. She then went stiff again. The Doctor quickly realized what the problem was. His hand was rubbing Clara's bum again. This time, his eyebrows and hand were tingle-free. He had no explanation for this. He jerked his hand away from Clara, who turned around to face it. "Right." the Doctor said, his face scarled. "Sorry. I didn't mean- just, sorry."
Clara was just as red as he was. "Why did you do that?" she asked, apparently confused.
"I don't know." the Doctor admitted.
"Right." Clara said. "I'm... going to go now."
With that, the brunette left. When Clara was gone, the Doctor realized why he had grabbed her. It was because he, or at least some part of him, had wanted to. It was in that instant that the Doctor realized that he was doomed, doomed to a future of inappropriate thoughts about his companion and the possibility of touching her like that again. Part of him, he discovered, wouldn't mind.
Maybe, he thought, that wouldn't be so bad after all.