Welcome back! Thanks to those who checked out my first foray into Mass Effect!
Disclaimer: Mass Effect is not mine. Believe me, I wish I could write as well as the people at BioWare
"I thought we had something real. I…I loved you!"
How many times had she replayed those words? Hell, she couldn't even count anymore. Shepard sighed and put her head in her hands. Damn the Illusive Man! He'd known. He'd known about Kaidan being on Horizon! And to make matters worse, he'd tipped off the Collectors on purpose! She still didn't believe him about his whole 'wanting to be a step ahead of the Collectors' bull crap. He never played things from just one angle. He'd wanted to see how she would react. If she would be able to leave her past behind her. The question was, could she?
Shepard raised her head and looked at the picture sitting on her desk. In it, Kaidan was looking straight into the camera. Serious his expression may have looked, but upon closer inspection you could see the slight upward tilt of his lips and the amused gleam in his eyes. Which had been due to her sticking her tongue out at him when she took the picture. Shepard had been hoping for a full on smile when she snapped the picture with her omni-tool, but now that she looked at it, that particular expression suited him far better. Sweet, shy humor lurking just below the mask of military seriousness. It was one of the things that first attracted her to him. That and his idealism. A childhood spent reading space-faring novels made him look out into the final frontier with an open, wide-eyed wonder that helped maintain her optimism. Hell, Kaidan in general had been the reason she felt so optimistic while chasing down Saren. He'd believed in her. Had complete faith that she would bring that Turian traitor down no matter what, consequences be damned.
"…I loved you!"
"You think I don't know that?! That I'm with Cerberus just to piss you off?!" Shepard growled. She huffed, "and what the hell do you mean 'loved?' Now that I'm back on the scene, you've moved on? Or am I still dead in your eyes?"
Hell, given the company she was forced to keep, she might be. Kaidain was an Alliance soldier to the very core. To him, the situation was cut and dry. The Alliance was good, Cerberus was evil. It didn't matter that Cerberus was the only one who gave even half a damn about human colonies disappearing, they were a so-called terrorist group and that was all he cared about. Her association with them made her just as bad.
It stung. Kaidan Alenko, the man she loved considered her a traitor. He'd defended her from Delan, embraced her, and then cut her down right in front of her squad. She stood there, feeling the eyes of Garrus and Miranda boring deep into her back as Kaidan slung insults and accusations at her. She'd tried so hard to make him see that she was still her, the kind, soft-spoken woman he remembered, but he wanted none of it. Bitter and angry, he'd torn her apart right in front of her squad.
Shepard laid her head down on her desk and closed her eyes, listening to the sounds of the ship. The creaks, the faint hum of the engines, the strange, whomph noise that no one but Tali could identify. It felt lonely without him here. Sure, she'd picked up some old faces along the way, but Kaidan's was the one that had been floating in the back of her mind ever since her revival. She'd wanted so much to see him again, but now…
Now I don't know if I ever want to see him again, she thought. His words had sliced right down to the bone. That pain wasn't going to leave any time soon. Then again, she probably would have felt a little better were it not for the sympathetic look Garrus threw her as they climbed into the shuttle. Something about that look just drove home how there was no going back after that meeting. An irritated groan slipped from between the commander's clenched teeth. Damn, maybe the Illusive Man had been onto something. Maybe she did have a piece of her past that needed sloughing off. But could she do it? Could she find it in herself to just box all those precious memories away, leaving them to rot away deep in the farthest corners of her mind? Could she? After all she and Kaidan endured together? She thought back to that night before Ilos. His hands stroking through her hair, him warm breath on her neck, the surprising softness of his lips and how their bodies melded together, moving in perfect harmony, as if their coupling had been ordained by God himself. It was a magical night. One that, no matter how long she lived, Shepard would never trade it for anything. Not even a swift end to the Reapers. He'd been her friend, her confidant, her lover. Did she really want to forgo even the slightest chance of winning him back? The message he sent her. There was something buried beneath. A little golden seed, quivering beneath the black, acidic soil of bitter rejection. If she tended to it, allowed it to grow and mature into the beauty it had been, she and Kaidan could have those old days back, or at the very least have each other back.
Then, a little voice spoke up:
Is that really what's best for Kaidan?
Stunned, Shepard's head popped up. Before she could counter, it spoke again.
There's a very good chance you'll die on this mission. Only this time, it will be permanent. Your first death devastated Kaidan. What do you think a second one would do?
Shepard swallowed. She knew very well what losing her a second time would do to him. Kaidan wouldn't just be miserable, he would be utterly crushed. Reaching for the picture, Shepard plucked it off her desk and stared at the man in it. He was a member of her squad when they confronted Saren on the Citadel. Fighting through wave after wave of Geth, greasy pillars of smoke painted across a scarlet sky, and the sickening smell of charred flesh. Through some miracle she'd gotten through to Saren, only to have his corpse rise up under the command of Sovereign. It had been a grueling battle, the husk scuttling around like an unhallowed insect, never staying in once place long enough for her to get a good, clean shot. But they'd prevailed in the end. Hell, they'd even saved the Council to boot! And Kaidan had been by her side during all of it. She still remembered climbing out from under one of Sovereign's many blown-off chunks, hand clamped against her wound, side screaming in agony as hot blood spilled out onto the ground. Relief washed over Anderson's face, Wrex even cracked a smile. And Kaidan? He'd been elated. Just by looking at him, she could tell he was trying his hardest to resist running over and kissing her like there was no tomorrow. Of course, she'd been fighting the same desires. Thankfully, her cabin aboard the Normandy was there in the aftermath to supply them with all the privacy in the world.
Their love was complete and pure. It could be again, but only if she survived. She sighed.
Do I want to place something so important on such a volatile variable?
No. She didn't. Kaidan deserved better than that. Placing the picture back on the desk, she regarded it for a moment. Shepard could feel the memories churning again, waiting to drag her beneath, drown her in emotions. A light ding overhead pulled her away from her mind's raging sea.
"Commander Shepard, forgive the intrusion, but Yeoman Chambers has some news she would like to pass onto you. She is down in the Combat Information Center."
"Thanks EDI." Shepard replied. EDI's intercom dinged once more, signifying her return to her station. As she stood, Shepard turned the photo face down on the desk. With that, she exited her quarters.
She had to let go. It was better for the both of them if she did.
To me, it's a lot more powerful seeing the photo of the love interest from the first game turned face down instead of simply gone. It feels as if Shepard is rejecting the time spent with their partner. Now, originally, Fem!Shep was supposed to stay upset throughout the entire story, but well, you know how that goes. The stories evolve on their own. At any rate, let me know what you think. I'd love to hear from you.