Well, I'm writing a sequel to my dark fanfiction, and since I can't seem to reach the sap quite yet, I decided on something humorous that just wouldn't leave me alone! So, enjoy and please drop a review off when you get to the bottom!

Warnings: SLASH! (Boy-boy relationships), possible OOC, a lime-type scene, and PWP… but the concept is humorous!

Pairings: Malik/Bakura, Yami Malik/Yami Bakura, Yugi/Yami Yugi

Disclaimers: I don't own Yu-Gi-Oh! ::Sniffle:: I wish I did. Also, credit goes to Zelairkenprincess for giving me this idea. I also don't own that Idiots Guide to (Insert hobby/whatever here) that inspired the title.

Hikaris for Idiots

Chapter 1: How to get your Light detention in school, without ever leaving the comfort of home. Yami Malik tests his theory about how far the "bond" between Hikari and Yami extends.

"Are they ever going to tell each other they like the other?"

"Probably not. They're being shy and sweet. It's absolutely disgusting."

"Mm… I think we should do something about it."

"We should?"

"Yes, we should."

"Like what?"

"Well, I've been wondering just how far our connections extend…"

"You mean…You think so? Well, we've never tried it before so I suppose… You really think it'll work?"

"Yes, I do. Let's wait a few hours, when they're together, and test it out."

"A few hours? But, they'll be in- …That's evil. Let's do it!"

***

Malik stood off to the side, leaning against the wall and grumbling, watching as a group of kids played basketball. He pulled uncomfortably on his gym uniform, frowning and wondering once again why in the world he ever left Egypt to go to Domino High School, of all places.

"Good luck." Bakura smiled at him as he came off the court, and Malik blushed slightly. The groups changed, and now Malik was on a team with Yugi, Tristan, and two other boys he didn't know very well.

Tristan was the best by far of their team, though Malik wasn't a particularly bad player himself. Everyone towered over Yugi, however, and it was obvious that school sports, basketball in particular, weren't his forte.

Suddenly, a wave of warmth washed over Malik, spreading outward from the pit of his stomach to the rest of his body. He sucked absently on his bottom lip, as he oft did when confused, then gasped, wide-eyed, and let it go. It was sensitive, a tingling sensation building in it and slowly moving down the column of his neck.

"Hey, Malik? Are you okay?" Yugi's concerned voice broke Malik out of the shocked trance he was in.

"I'm fine." Malik's reply was short and just a bit harsher than he intended, but he felt vaguely irritated at the interruption.

"You sure? Maybe you should sit down. You look kinda red."

Malik shrugged, doing his best to ignore the sparks of pleasure that crept down his body towards his groin, as he stayed on the court for the last couple of minutes of playing time. Then, he sat on the sideline, next to Bakura, breathing heavier than he would normally be after such a short game.

"G-good job…" Bakura's voice was shaky; he panted out the words. His olive skin was flush, and he sat hugging his knees to the chest, shifting uncomfortably and struggling to concentrate on the game.

Malik gasped loudly, whimpering slightly, as the tingling pleasure exploded in his crotch, and several people gave him odd looks. He noticed dazedly that Bakura had a surprised, wide-eyed expression on his face, and his attention was caught by the pink tongue that reached out, continually running over Bakura's lips.

/Yami? Yami, what's going…?/ Malik tried to reach his Yami, wondering what was happening. Vaguely, he heard himself moan lowly, feelings increasing as he attempted to mentally contact his Yami. He could feel the fingers running over his chest, the silky hair trailing over his thighs, the warm, wet mouth sucking on his… Malik abruptly cut off, straining to block the connection he shared with his Yami, face heated.

It took a moment, but he managed to school his face into something resembling a glare, growling at the people who were staring at him. Not that he cared; Malik didn't really like them all that much, anyway.

"Y-you… You feel that… too?" Bakura asked, voice shaky and breathless.

"How did… Wait," Malik took a deep breath, eyes narrowed at Bakura. "That's your Yami doing this?"

"Your Yami's not exactly a passive partner himself…"

"Aww, fuck." Malik buried his face in his hands, elbows digging into his knees. The pleasure washed over him, swirling around his body and resting warmly in his groin. His muscles trembled, and the ghostly breath over his crotch was gone; his fingers tingled, and his body ached for something- what exactly, he was unsure of.

"I believe that's the… idEA," Bakura's voice rose shrilly, and he squirmed in his position. "I think… I think y-YOU should…"

Malik followed Bakura's gaze to his lap, cheeks heating further, and pulled his knees up to his chest. "M-make your Yami… Stop…"

"M-make him…? What about yOURS?" Bakura was panting heavily, squirming in his seat, fingers gripping his pants tightly.

Malik glared, feeling incredibly irritable. He didn't like the way he was hot and bothered, sweaty and breathless, the way his body responded further to Bakura's flushed skin, and the way he wanted to run his tongue along it, tasting, sucking… Malik abruptly stood, shouting and pointing accusingly at Bakura.

"GET YOUR RABID, HORNY YAMI OFF OF MINE!"

Bakura blushed brightly, and Malik turned his head to notice all activity in the gymnasium had stopped. Everyone was staring silently at Malik as he stood before Bakura, very obviously aroused. He hesitated a moment, then ran out of the gym, down the hallway.

Malik heard the footsteps behind him, and turned his head to see an equally aroused Bakura chasing him. He kept running, turning the corner and continuing down the hall. Then, Malik moaned loudly, collapsing against wall, eyes closed, and lost himself in the wave of pleasure that crashed over his body, ghostly touches of a tight heat suddenly surrounding and overwhelming him.

Bakura ran into the back of him, gasping and groaning himself, and wrapped his arms around Malik. They leaned against each other, supporting each other, and Malik unconsciously ground himself back against the hard bulge in Bakura's shorts.

"BOYS! JUST WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?" They opened their eyes to see an angry, flustered teacher storming towards them. Bakura and Malik shared a look, then broke out into a run, holding hands as they raced down the hall, Malik slightly in the lead.

"STOP! GET BACK HERE YOUNG MEN!" They ignored the receding sound of the teacher's voice, skidding to a stop around the corner and dashing into the bathroom.

"What are you doing? ACK!" Malik barely noticed the girlish shrieks, paid no heed to the pink painted walls, or the flurry of shocked people. He backed Bakura into the wall, pushing their bodies flush together, and kissed him hard, tongue snaking out to pry the other's mouth open.

Malik tore himself away from Bakura's mouth long enough to glare at the group of wide-eyed, slack-jaw girls; they hurried out of the bathroom, and Malik locked the door behind them. Impatient with the lack of contact, Bakura ground his crotch against Malik's; he used the opportunity to flip them over, slamming Malik against the wall, and pressing their lips back together.

They kissed fiercely tongues diving into the other's mouth; it was sloppy, slick with saliva, and Malik's shoulders hurt from being forcefully smashed against the wall, but it felt good, and they clawed at each other in desperation. Fingers tangled in hair, tugging hard, and they ground against each other almost painfully, pleasure spiraling upwards and bringing them closer to release.

Malik took no notice to the loud bangs on the door, the angry voices and jingle of keys; he was so very close to the edge, and he wrapped one leg around Bakura, trying to draw him impossibly closer. The pleasure hit a peak, and colors burst behind his eyelids; he climaxed violently, gym shorts becoming sticky and wet. His body trembled, and he continued releasing, feeling Bakura reach his own orgasm.

They slumped against the wall, coming down from their high, tired and damp and wholly uncomfortable, yet incredibly satisfied. Then their little world of sex and afterglow was interrupted as the door slammed open and both were reminded rather abruptly that they were at school.

"IN ALL MY YEARS, I NEVER!" Malik turned his head to find the angry, sputtering teacher from before standing in the doorway with the janitor, their physical education instructor, the giggling red-faced girls he had kicked out of the bathroom, and a half-shocked half-amused Yugi.

Malik looked up at the teacher and the large group of people that were congregating around the door as that period ended, then down at Bakura and himself and said the only phrase that came to mind to summarize their precarious situation. "Oh, shit."

***

"Hey! Malik, Bakura, wha' happ'ned ta ya's? There're some wild rumors goin' on 'bout ya's." Joey, Yugi, Tristan, and Tea ran to catch up to Malik and Bakura as they walked home.

"Our Y-yamis… They were… a-and…" Bakura stuttered, stumbling over his words and blushing an interesting shade of red.

"You know," Malik said to Bakura casually, wrapping an arm around his waist and drawing him closer, "I never knew a person could turn so many different shades of red. And all in the same afternoon, no less."

"Shut up," Bakura muttered. The situation on the whole embarrassed him greatly, especially discussing it with the principal of the school in come-covered shorts. Bakura was rather sour that Malik only had a slight flush covering his cheeks the entire time, while it seemed that he, himself, found a new shade of red to turn every time he opened his mouth.

"So it's true?" Tea asked, completely surprised.

"It's none of your business," Malik informed her curtly, glaring. They all blinked at the iciness in his voice.

"Well, umm… I gotta go. Talk to you later!" Tristan left, and soon after Joey and Tea followed. Only Yugi remained, trotting after them, and looking up at them curiously.

"What?" Malik stopped abruptly and asked. Bakura nearly tripped as Malik's arm tugged him to a stop, but Malik steadied him.

"Oh, I was wondering… You said about your Yami…"

"Malik, Yugi has a Yami too… We should tell him."

"Tell him what?" Yugi's puzzle glowed, his Yami separating from him.

"O-oh," Bakura blushed again. "Our Yamis… They were having… Umm…"

"They were having sex, and we could feel it," Malik cut Bakura off, color rising on his cheeks. The arm around Bakura's waist tightened, and he drew the other teen closer to him.

"So it worked, did it?" Malik's and Bakura's Yamis sauntered up the street towards them, looking extremely smug and self-satisfied.

"What? Do you mean that you…?"

"We were tired of you toeing around the fact that you liked each other," Malik's Yami informed him. "So we decided you needed a little nudge in the right direction. What better opportunity to prove my little theory?"

"WE WERE IN CLASS!" Malik shrieked at his Yami. "WE GOT DETENTION!"

"I know."

"You knew? Why you…!" Malik glared angrily at his Yami, and chased him down the street, yelling Egyptian curses at him. Bakura grinned at his new boyfriend, waving good-bye to his two friends, and following along at a slower pace with his Yami.

Yugi watched them leave, then turned to his Yami, scuffing the ground with his shoe and peering up at him from under his blond bangs.

"Yes, Aibou?" Yami raised an eyebrow expectantly.

"Well… I was just wondering… if you… wanna go home… a-and…"

"See if that works for us too?" Yami grinned at his shy, blushing Aibou as he nodded his head. Yami grabbed his hand, running off together in the direction of the Game Shop.

Well, that's it for now! (For those of you who don't realize it, Yugi and his Yami are off to have sex now). Please review and tell me what you think.