A/N: SPOILERS FOR SEKIRO AHOY!

Well, that does it.

I give up.

Not on writing mind you, but a certain game. I can proudly admit I almost made it. Almost. But this is where this old bird throws in the towel.

I love the game, but I just can't play it anymore.

Now before anyone accuses me of quitting early, I say ye nay! I've beaten nearly EVERY boss in Sekiro and I cannot find that last damn prayer bead. Cannot beat Owl (Father). Can't beat the Demon of Hatred. AND A CERTAIN SWORD SAINT IS KICKING MY ASS!

I've gotten so sodding close, parrying like a motherfucker and EVERY TIME! EVERY! TIME! Right at the end! Yes, I'm parrying. Yes, I'm using all the buffs, yes, I'm using Divine Confetti. As well as the Dancing Dragon Mask which requires FIVE skill points just to level up! Even so! EVEN SO! I've busted my ass-and two controllers-trying to beat this. I like it. Its fun...and I will beat it.

...I just need a break before I give myself a stroke.

Here have this nice little story while I go out and buy a new controller.

"MY NAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAME IS GYOUBU MASATAKA ONIWA! AS I BREATHE! YOU SHALL NOT PASS THE CASTLE GATE!"

~?

Not My Shadow

Ha.

Haha.

Hahaha!

That's it! I give up! I quit!

You heard me; looks like I've finally been bested! By a videogame no less! Hey! That's high praise coming from a dimension hoping deity! Congratulations, Sword Saint! I hope you're happy! I'd write your name here just to warn people about this last boss bullshittery, but that'd be beneath me. So, in short? Faaaaaaaawk you and your bloody spear-swinging, lightning-tossing, hip-firing fuckery! I was going to leave this world well enough alone, you know. Not touch it at all. Out of respect. Honor. Awe. Maria would've been so proud of me. But after this?

Spending weeks being picked apart by the final boss?

Trying to fight you like a man, only to get steamrolled time and time again? I don't think so.

So. Congratulations are in order, Sekiro, you brilliant bastard. You brought this on yourself. You've no one else to blame.

If I can't beat the bloody game with a controller then I can wreak havoc in the world itself. Sweet bloody vengeance. Perhaps that's petty of me, to muddle in the affairs of a beautiful world like this; to inflict pranks, chaos and so much more upon the denizens of this realm, if only to wreak retribution upon a choice few. Some might even call it childish. Should I feel bad? Hmm. Maybe. Do I regret it? Nope! Let 'ol Sekiro go about his mighty quest to save his Master.

I have other plans.

As for limits hmmm...aha! I've got it. Limited godly powers, can't attack first, three miracles, no resurrections, and only one companion. Maria ought to be happy to get out of that new clocktower she's holed herself up in since I plucked her out of that nightmare. After all, if I have to suffer then it won't be alone! Surely the best quests are those you share with an ally, a friend, or even a trusty steed...oh!

Well now, I think I know just where to start on our grand little adventure!

With the man who handed me my very first death at that!

VENGEANCE WILL BE MINE!

(...0o0o0...)

The castle gate remains closed.

This was Gyobu's duty, his honor, his task.

So long as he stood guard upon this ruined battlefield none would surmount it nor him; indeed Lord Genichiro gave him this task-this honor-because no other could be trusted to it. He was the "Demon" who safeguarded Ashina castle from intruders, he was the one their enemies feared. Relentlessly, the Interior Ministers had tried to breach the castle gate time and time again and time again Gyoubu had repulsed them. All that remained of their ill-fated attempts were these broken bodies strewn across the wastes. The rest proved food for the crows.

Gyoubu Masataka Oniwa was very good at his job.

Any intruder fool enough to set foot onto this battlefield would meet their end.

Astride his faithful war steed Onikage and with his trusty spear in hand, Oniwa took on all comers. None surpassed him. None would, if had any say about it! Those that had escaped him had only done so by running away, turning tail to feel from whence they came. Good. Let the rats run and tell tale of the terror they'd seen here and-

A flicker of movement across the battlefield caught his attention as someone vaulted the wall.

Incredulous, he actually watched them for a moment.

They-whomever they were-made no effort to conceal themselves in the least; nor did they rush headlong at the gate as several shinobi had in the past. This one advanced slowly, sure and steady steps carrying him ever forward. Even from this distance Oniwa bristled at the sight of him; the way the young man's flaxen hair caught the sun and seemed to leap into flames. And there, nestled between that golden mane, catching the fading evening light to glimmer like blood...

...horns.

"Hello?" a low, drawling voice echoed out into the wastes. "Anybody home?"

Ordinarily, Oniwa would've charged by now, shouting his name to the heavens. Honor demanded it. Yet something gave him pause. He might be hailed as "Demon" by all of Ashina-and her enemies-yet at the end of the day he was just a man. An incredibly powerful mountain of a man perhaps-downright terrifying at that-but still human nevertheless.

Thus he didn't quite know what to make of this strange newcomer gliding across the war torn land as if he owned it.

Clad in an eclectic hakama of deep navy over which he'd thrown an open crimson robe of sorts, the intruder looked every bit like some sort of wandering jester; not a mercenary, and certainly not a warrior. Ah, but there was another with him, smaller, yet clad in drab leathers, a strange blade gripped tight at her side, her face alarmingly pale, yet almost hidden beneath her hat. Somehow she seemed the more dangerous of the pair. Blood spattered hunting leathers and wide grey eyes all, she radiated an imitable sense of dread, as though death itself itself had come to greet him this day.

Bah!

Enough of this!

He was Gyobu! He feared nothing!

With nary a nudge, he spurred his mount to life beneath him and surged forward to meet the newcomers in a clatter. To battle!

Howling his fury to the heavens he thundered out, spear raised, declaring himself to these would-be intruders who dared encroach on sacred ground: Neither made any attempt to change their course; nay, the tall one saw him and only hastened his pace, surging forward to meet him.

"MY NAAAAAAAAAAME IS GYOUBU MASATAKA ONIWA!" every word shook the earth beneath him, scraping his throat raw in time with Onikage's stamping hooves. "AS I BREATHE! YOU WILL NOT PASS-

-the castle gate, I know!" Much to his great chagrin the horned man shouted him down before he could finish. "Funny thing about that! Has it ever occurred to you that, I don't know, someone might be able to hop over it? Climb it? This world has all manner of skilled shinobi! Could be happening right now, you know! But enough talk!"

Much to his surprise, the whiskered warrior pivoted on him then, grinning like a madman.

"MY NAME IS UZUMAKI NARUTO!"

Yes it came as quite the shock indeed when the intruder struck a pose and shouted back with just as much-if not more-force right into his face. If his voice was that of a demon then this was the howl of an angry god and for a moment, just a moment, Oniwa was given pause. No matter! He was upon him now, ready to drive the spear through his chest or ride him down. Even his companion finally appeared to recognize their own peril and flung themselves away to safety. A flash of pale blond hair caught his eye as she tumbled away. A woman, then? Hrmph! Her foresight would avail her naught. He'd hunt her down and make certain she was-

He hit a wall.

There was no such barrier in sight, and yet the moment this "Demon" thrust his spear forward to take the intruder's head, he hit a wall.

There could be no other comparison.

An unarmored foot crunched down in a mighty stomp as he struck, trapping the weapon between his sole and the earth. Try as he might Oniwa couldn't free his spear. It should've been simple. He was many times larger than this horned jester, yet for all his raw might and all his strength, he simply couldn't manage the feat. Stronger than any vice, more unyielding than even Lord Isshin himself. Wild blue eyes blazed up at him, brimming with quiet satisfaction, and yet the jester made no move to strike, to take advantage of this brief moment of weakness.

He didn't need to.

Without warning the young man threw something at him.

"Now, Maria!"

Onikage reared back, screaming as the world erupted into fire beneath his hooves, nearly unseating his master in the process.

In the chaos his loyal steed never felt the faint weight upon on his back until it was too late.

Gyobu did.

Writhing in his saddle the armored behemoth turned, pivoting to face whomever dared strike at him from behind. Ah, but that very same armor slowed him. Doomed him. A soft flicker of ashen hair flitted before him as he found himself face to face with the very woman he'd sought to run down. Those cold grey eyes held his for a long moment, darker than the depths of any ocean. Alighted there, crouched flawlessly upon Onikage's back, all but destined to end his life. In that cold moment, that brief sliver of a second before his imminent defeat, he had time enough for one thought. How lovely. If this was the bringer of his death, then he would welcome her.

As befitting of a warrior, she did not hesitate.

"Sleep." a lone, velvet word caressed his senses as he fell.

Her blade struck true, piercing him from behind even as he struck out at her with the butt of his spear. In that he was only mildly successful. Pain blossomed like a sakura tree in his mind as the point emerged through the pit of his taut stomach and burst into open air, sending blood bubbling up between clenched teeth. Realizing his master's peril at last Onikage bucked feverishly, frantically seeking to throw the intruder off, but too slowly, far too slowly.

His wild efforts only served to unseat his dying master all the sooner.

In that instant the woman ripped her trick weapon free and kicked forward against his back, slamming Gyobu forward even as she vaulted away. The earth rushed up to greet him like an old friend, arms open wide as he toppled forward to his doom.

It was not to be.

One hand thrust forward, catching him as he fell.

Again those high, wild blue eyes blazed back at him, but this time he caught a spark of compassion within them. Pity, perhaps? Empathy for the dying? It mattered not. He'd failed Lord Genichiro; even should he somehow survive this mortal wound his honor, nay, his very life was forfeit. With his death the castle gate would surely be breached, Ashina would fall...and...and...what was he thinking about again? Someone had taken hold of him by the head, and once more he could see naught but the man behind them. He was smiling. It was...not a pleasant smile.

"You."

A lone finger rose.

"I choose you as my first recruit."

Gyobu was given no chance to protest.

Not in the least; because quite suddenly, his world was pain.

A/N: Feels good to finally write something about Sekiro, considering how much blood sweat and tears I've invested into it. I'm putting my heart and soul-as well as two helpful co-writers and good advisers into this mad masterpiece, so I hope it makes you laugh. Laughter makes the world go round, I've found, and it also keeps me from putting myself in the ground. Hmm. Was that a rhyme, just now? Why I believe it was! Bring on that Tomoe DLC Fromsoft, I'm ready.

For those who are confused, Naruto just recruited Gyoubu.

Expect ALL the references and laughs to be had.

So in the Immortal Words of Atlas...

...Review Would You Kindly?

Keeps me going.

And alive.

(Previews)

A lone finger rose in elucidation. "Wait for it, my boy."

Much could be said for Wolf; he barely blinked.

"If you're trying to distract me it won't-

He did not, however, see the kite.

"WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

Wolf did not die well.

Emma hissed out a breath.

"Shura!"

"Much worse, my dear. MUCH WORSE."

Pausing just long enough to pluck his severed head from the ground, the blond's corpse sketched a low bow and set it on a stump. Then, like a puppet on broken strings, his still-headless form spun with impossible speed to ram the back of his fist into Wolf's jaw before the latter could plunge the blade into his back hurl him away. Cast to the ground shinobi tumbled briefly but sprang back up, some distance away.

Again, that twisted form turned face him.

The head grinned.

"Lucky for you lot, I never chose that ending. C'mere, starving wolf! Lets dance!"

"Ohhhhh is this bow important? I think it is!"

Genichiro gave a low growl. "Give it back!"

"You will address us as the Ramen Lord, and nothing else!"

To her credit, the Divine Child of the Rejuvenating Waters offered a sunny smile.

"Pleased to meet you, Ramen Lord."

Naruto felt his face twitch.

...oi. That was a joke."

She tilted her head.

"Was it?"

R&R~!